1-30-12 The Pain

The struggle of my life created empathy - I could relate to pain, being abandoned, having people not love me.

Oprah Winfrey

1-30-12  The Pain

Friday night as I was eating my dinner, finishing up my last blog, posting the indigo child link to my son's facebook wall when I got an e-mail from Randy with the subject line come to my world and look it was a video of a guy snowmobiling in Vermont saying this is what I see when I listen to my I-pod and ride. My reply to him was OMG I could only listen to it for a sec, why would they ruin that beautiful scenery with that disturbing sound track? I know this is the stuff he listens to also, bad ass hard rock full of pain and anger. *sigh* I went to get ready for the meetup dance that night, but after washing up, laying out my clothes on the bed I layed there for a minute and talked myself out of going out. It was hard, 96 had signed up, many of whom were my friends and some I hadn't seen in awhile but.... I checked my mail after putting on my PJs and Randy had replied saying if I was with him he'd listen to this song to which I replied sure its a quater after 1, your a little drunk and you need me now but...by a quarter after 2 the kids or the wife will be texting ya to come home.....

Saturday I got up did a few chores and met my reiki friend for a walk down by atlantic highlands along the water. She is my hero, she gives reiki treatments over the phone and makes great money doing it! That's what I want to do someday, someday soon! It was nice to walk and talk to her and I was suprised when she told me she and her husband are separated, especially since I had just met him at the New Years party. She said that was a "date". I listened to her and she basically just needs time to be just her and I kinda get that. I told her about my date on wednesday and she said oh no he's not right for you and she totally got my "hands thing" and said she looks at that too. After the walk we went to breakfast by the bay and talked and talked. Its so nice to have a spiritual friend who gets me on that level. She told me about how she works with the angels during her healing sessions and I told her that I have been being told to do that too, she said you totally should as you have angels around you all the time.  I ran a few errands and came home ready for a nap but ran into Jeremy and one of my roomates walking to the store. It was good to see them making friends, I knew that he would and they are good respectable boys too and his age. They drink some but they both work and came from blue collar families down here. I was very happy about all that because its been hard to show him what life really is when his friends all come from rich families, they wreck their expensive cars and have new ones in 48 hrs... He and I are trying a new arrangement, instead of him paying me $50 a week (1/3 of his income) and eating twice that in food, now he is not going to pay me anything, he will do chores for his rent BUT he has to buy his own food and if he eats anything of mine he has to pay for it. I think it may be a better deal for me and teach him even more responsibility....

Anyway, I checked my e-mail before my nap and there was one from Randy asking me what I was up to. Yup family gone for the day, him on vacation, if he had asked me to do something, as in activity and not sex related only, I may have said yes.... So I told him about my day and that I was supposed to go to a party in Morristown but I was going to reply no and then I was taking a nap. I did just that and I had bad dreams again, the afternoon before I dreamed a voice saying don't you worry about stability living in that rental house, he could kick you out at any time....today's bad dreams were i got tested for cancer at my job and then i got laid off and for some reason it seemed that my job had given me cancer but laid me off before it could be discovered. I had gone to Mary for advice and she told me to get in her jeep and she would take me somewhere for help but for some reason I could not get into her vehicle. Wierd very wierd but my angel-card-of-the-day had been dreams so I paid some attention to it. Once I woke up I checked my mail and was trying to figure out what I was going to eat for dinner and how I was going to spend my evening. Randy had replied to my e-mail saying he had nothing to do, I was debating on if I wanted to hang with him, ask him to get food or go see a movie or come give me a back rub. I finally texted and asked when would the kids be home. 9pm he said...oh ok and I let it be. What I wanted to hear was something along the lines of it doesn't matter I got all the time you want. He did reply again saying he was thinking of going to the fishery so I said I am starving come get me and I will go with ya....Ok I will, be ready in 10 min I said. He got here in 5 and laid down on my bed exhausted looking and told me the stories of how sick he's been and how disappointing last weekends Vermont trip had been that he stayed home this weekend.

So we went to get food at the fishery and we sat in the truck parked by the bay and ate and we talked and we joked some and I said see isn't it nice now that we are friends? He said he missed pokey and I said that I just wasn't into him that way now it was a real turn off to think of him heading off to be with the kids all the time. He didn't get it but he doesn't have to get it he just has to accept it. I told him about my date and he said he too could see that he wasn't right for me. I told him I especially didn't like the way he didn't want to hear about my spiritual stuff. After we ate he said what ya wanna do and I said oh we can go for a ride if ya want to, so he pulled out of the parking lot and I said well if you need to get home before the kids do its OK to take me home, but he said they had gotten home just as he was leaving and he told them he was going for food. I told him to take me home but he said he had some time, in then end we ended up going to Home Depot, I needed a vanity light bulb and he wanted to look at floor tiles. I couldn't believe she wouldn't go pick out floor tiles with him. As we got out of the truck he had a spring in his step and said he felt much better, I think its cuz of my reiki energy but I said nothing. When he dropped me off I told him if he wanted to do breakfast at that diner to text me in the morning I might be able to squeeze that in before game day....

I went to bed that night and looked at my poster on the wall called Dreams, and it said to dream of the life you want and such so I thought oh good maybe that was what the card had meant and I did dream that night, I dreamed of getting stock from my company and it growing and growing to a large sum. This did happen to me once in my life when I was on the verge of losing my house and I prayed in desperation, its not likely to happen again but still the dream showed me that I was going to be OK, at least it made me feel OK about my finances and really that's all you have to do is feel OK, God takes care of the rest and guides us to where we need to go and what we need to do to make money. So I was totally enjoying this dream when my phone rang at 5am..........It was Jeremy. He and my basement roommates had gone to a party and were drinking. While there Ed started beating on his girlfriend, Jeremy got upset and got in the middle of it and got thrown out of the house, he was so upset that he called me while he was walking home and went on and on about all this past pain he has inside of him about my ex beating me, my ex raping his brother and he saying it was HIS fault because it was his Dad that did it. Oy Vey the pain. I tried to reason with him that he was only 6 yrs old how could he have done anything. Then he said he just wanted to help Ed and I told him he can't reason with a person when drunk and he probably has a lot of pain too. After I got Jeremy settled then Ed came home and he was packing up and was going to leave, I talked him into staying and sleeping and we'd talk about it in the morning. Oh but the pain and the drama that came from inside him!

Sunday I got up and was preparing to go to my Board Games event, I dashed off a quick e-mail to Randy offering him a massage if he would call Jeremy and spend just a bit of time with him. Part of what he was crying about was growing up without a father and never having a male role model etc etc. I prayed it would work, they both need each other and they have more in common than they realize, but in many ways that is what keeps the bristles up with those two I think... Anyway the games event was a huge success and we all had so much fun! I am going to do more of those for sure. When I got home Jeremy greeted me with: Did you ask Randy to call me and hang out with me? Umm well errr yes I did you were crying so much that you have no make in your life. Well he called, asked if I wanted to go to McDonalds, I asked did my mom put you up to this and he said yes so I told him no thanks. I saw the e-mail from Randy saying he was depressed, did not feel well and would take him another day and I replied Oh well.  I also complained to Randy when he called later but his defense was that of course he'd get suspicious when he called him out of the blue like that he had to be honest. Randy listned to the story of the night before but concluded that he had no advice, that he too had it bad when he was a kid but he never behaved like my kid does. He did relate to the part about how Jeremy misses riding, that was how he gets out his pain, I knew already that is how they both deal with it.....

Oh the world is just so full of pain and hurt that we stuff down inside of is and it makes us all sick. I may not act out or drink or drug but I turn to food, cookies and such to feel better... I thought on that and decided to get busy and make the meetup group for fitness events for those of us who are in bad shape I slapped it together and I called Fun and Easy Fitness  I went to bed that night with a bit of hope in my heart.........but I knew I still needed answers on how to help these people who have so much pain inside of them....

It really is sad how full of pain we all are, and how we stuff it deep inside and it makes us sick.........we do not acknowledge it we just get mad at the behaviors. But like I told Jeremy, we all were born sweet and innocent babies, its life and how we react to the troubles that come our way that make us who we are. It doesn't really matter though what vice we self medicate with: sex, drugs, food, extreme danger, acts of violence, refusing to grow up, gambling etc........its all the same. Pain pain pain......we need to release it and stop stuffing it inside..........we are all as pure as the angels we need to stop letting our pain keep us from being who we were really meant to be..........

With Love and in the Light,  Cassie