1-16-12 Dancing Through the Rain

Don't run away from grief , o soul
Look for the remedy inside the pain.
because the rose came from the thorn
and the ruby came from a stone.
Rumi ♥

1-16-12   Dancing Through the Rain

Friday after work I went to the gym, I only stayed 40 minutes though and didn't push myself too hard because I still was having minor chest pains and when I started to work out I could feel my blood pressure rising and my ears thumping. I did a few things and not too hard and headed home. I had plenty of time though so I went and sat in my car down by the bulkhead and looked out at the water. On either side of me were guys in big trucks sitting there eating their dinners, all alone. One guy was older, perhaps a widower, the other guy was very large, like over 300 lbs large. And there I was sitting between them...it made me feel sad. Sad to be alone, sad to still be single, sad that the only real boyfriend I've had since my divorce 15 yrs ago was probably home drinking with 17 and 18 yr olds and that's where he preferred to be other than with me. Where are all the grown men at I wondered to the universe? The powers that be had no answers as I gazed across the bay to the NYC skyline.....the world is full of people, more people than ever, and yet most of us are more alone than any other time in history.....and more of us wear our loneliness like a thorn in our sides...

Saturday morning I got a call from my credit card company. That wasn't fun, I had to explain why I only sent them a fraction of the amount that they wanted me to send and that no I really couldn't send more this month and no not next month either and probably not for a long time. They transferred me over to someone else, to whom I had to once again explain my sorry tale about the contract to buy my house and it falling through etc etc etc. Turns out my credit rating is still too good for him to be able to help me, call back next month he said, maybe I can get your payments lowered then he told me. I headed out to the Alchemy of Attraction Seminar we were having and that got my mind off my dept. When I have problems I just go help others and soon enough my solution comes. It was a good event, only 5 people, and Joe couldn't make it but I think we did some good for those people. One woman though made me sad, she said she's been divorced since 92 (5 years longer than me) and she asked them how she could still have hope, she's tried everything, taken self help things, really worked on healing and growing. I felt the same way she did, and I had no good answer for her other than keep the faith. The seminar teachers just told her to keep loving and working on herself.  I wish they had a better answer for her because I needed one myself. That and the statistic he quoted how women will date a man who's a bit overweight but most men will not, they take a very underweight woman first. I will never be that.....even just getting to a normal weight is going to take lots of time and lots of work...UGH
After the workshop I headed home, stopped for cat food and gas and tried to figure out what I wanted to do that night. I knew what I wanted to do, stay home and cuddle up with someone who loves me with a pizza and a good movie. I did not have that. I had posted to one meetup that I might pop in, and I do like those people, and one friend had also texted me saying he was throwing together a last minute thing. I decided to take a nap and see how I felt later. I sent out an SOS to my spiritual friends to send me some good energy as I was feeling so down.... When I woke I decided that I was just going to stay home and have singles chat, it was so very cold out and I knew there would be others home for various reasons and I was right. While chatting I read a reply from my new friend Lynn who is a wonderful Reiki master, this is what she had to say to me and it gave me comfort:
hey, just did a little work on you. Archangel Michael is w/you. help is there for the asking.
also ... rebirth can come with chaos and drama. stay connected to your inner truth. chaos can deliver degrading messages, thoughts and feelings that are not true. notice them, and also notice that they are not speaking on behalf of your truth or God's.
Like birth, rebirth is a crying screaming mess of a blessed event. you are worth it!

So that was it! I was re-birthing. This pain, this sadness, this depression, probably even my chest pains was just a result of me changing. When I decided that Randy was not the one for me I had made a very important step towards changing myself and my destiny (yes we write our destiny). I prayed to St Michael that night before going to sleep, just telling him my money and my loneliness concerns and went to sleep.

I woke up the next morning not feeling much better, it was one of those Dear God why am I still here days....but I put my feet on the floor and got started with my day anyway. I had a Karaoke event  that afternoon and was dismayed that my Cyntergy class at the gym got moved from 8:30am to 11:30am now. I decided to go anyway, so what if at Karaoke I was in my gym clothes and not so put together, who knew if anyone would even show anyway! So off to the gym and I stayed for the whole class (even if I can't do all the moves I go and do the best I can) then headed towards the diner. I noticed Randy's truck at Sears and wondered if he'd text to come see me later, I didn't feel that he would, I feel like he knows he's got to let me go now. I had an amazingly good time at Karaoke, and 4 people came. We had so much fun that I decided to schedule it again for the following Sunday. I sat there and I thought, this is one of the things that I like to do. It would be nice to find someone who shares this interest with me, and ahhh this is what they mean about learning to love and know myself first... I went home feeling darn good and posted the event for the following week. The I checked e-mails and responded to a question someone had asked in the Divorce Support Group, he liked my reply and said he was going to try it and that also made me feel really good, I feel I am really helping these people there in my small ways. I went to bed that night feeling better about me and my life, hopeful for the future, accepting of the present..

Monday this was a quote I found on my facebook:
 “Today I will commit myself to detachment. I will allow myself and those around me the freedom to be as they are. I will not rigidly impose my idea of how things should be. I will not force solutions on problems, thereby creating new problems. I will participate in everything with detachment involvement.”
Deepak Chopra~shared by Liora

Also someone posted  a Joke my Mom used to tell me when I was a kid : I had a dream once. I dreamed that i ate a giant marshmallow. I woke to find my pillow was gone. I think I fell for it to the first time I heard it LOL It made me feel like that was her way of letting me know that she's up there working on the problem....I always knew she and I would be better friends once she got to heaven and stripped off all that judgmental bull crap her religion taught her....


Today I want you to not give up hope, to not curse the darkness, to keep on dancing through the rain and the pain and keep going. It's not easy sometimes that's for sure, and some of us have paths that are more difficult than others. Like I posted to my son today to give him some encouragement: Sure it's going to be a hard climb up to the top of that mountain, but the good part is that once you get there, you won't be knocked back down as fast and as easy as someone who got a helicopter ride to the top......... So don't run from your rain, dance in it!!!!


With Love and in the Light, Cassie


I Made it Through the Rain