2-3-12 Ground Hog Day

2-3-12  Ground Hog Day

Monday morning the angel-card-of-the-day-2012 was Answered Prayer and I was excited to find out which of my prayers would be answered. When I got the office and settled in my boss called me as he was in my town that day and had my compensation stuff with him. I got excited hoping my promotion finally came but it did not. I got a small raise and a little bonus it will help a little but not nearly enough. So I asked my boss what can I put in my PDP  that will get me to the next level, and for the first time he finally came right out and said that unless I finish my degree he can't do anything for me. I had been told since coming to J&J that I could move up the levels I wanted to with out it but the economy stinks now, I have Phds clamoring for my job. He told me that he would get it paid for up front, that I could major in ANYthing that I wanted to and I could have a day a week off work to go to school. He even said once enrolled and we knew I would be done in a year or two he would put me in for that promotion based on expected graduation. Can't ask for more than that can I? So I told him OK I would look into it and went back to my desk and spent the rest of the morning trying to figure out what to take. By lunchtime I had a good idea, my original major; Psychology. I simply adore the field and I always wanted to help people and it will go along with what I REALLY want to do and that is be an Reiki healer and an author. Not that the world doesn't have enough of those already but still this major will give credibility to the things that I already know and possibly give me some better answers when I do hit those brick walls like how to help people get rid of their deep deep pain. But then someone mentioned there are degrees in Holistic health........and I recalled one time at my Shamans being shown that I should study herbs and nutritional treatments for health.

So I thought about this very much on my drive home. As I got halfway home I thought of Randy and how I would no longer pass him on 35 near the drawbridge since he got additional time added to his schedule. All well and good I thought to myself - our of sight out of mind I really do need to be looking for another man to be my mate. I cut through the industrial center, something I have had to do for months now due to construction, and there on the road heading my way was his big black truck unmistakeable with his snowmobile loaded in the back. I shook my head and tooted and waved and when I got home (I seem to have made a new habit of leaving my cell phone at home) I texted him to say I saw him and tell him about my raise and my boss wanting to send me to finish my degree. That's awesome he said and responded to a few more texts of my excitement and choosing what I would do. He also said we should go celebrate and  I hesitated for a bit and said OK, friends can celebrate successes right? I added that we should celebrate his increase also. Then he said I was gonna be rich. Then he said we ought to make a race to pay off our depts, his house me my credit cards so I said sure..he said he owed 15 K on his house. I said I over 30K on my credit cards, actually it's more like 45 K but I knew the 30 would shock him enough and I was right. To defend myself I added that I HAD over 200K equity in my home.... I did not remind him that had he grown up and moved me in and gotten along with my son then I could have taken the first offer I had on my house instead of passing it by staying longer and ending up never being able to sell it once the market tanked...*sigh* But then again IF it had been meant to be it would have happened. I am much better off having Randy as a friend than a boyfriend, no chance of disappointment in it this way.

Tuesday at work I talked to one college placement counselor and he told me of an online course I can do, it sounded very very good and we made an appointment to speak the following day once I looked over a few of the degree programs that they offered. I ruled out a few other places and well that was all the time I had to give to it because I had so much work flow to do and I was exhausted. Driving home I felt like I was going to fall asleep at the wheel, I had hoped to either go visit my hospice patient but skipped that, and my second choice was go to the gym but I was so sleepy at the wheel driving home I had to give up my idea of going to the gym as well. I had a little of that frustrated want to give up attitude but then I told myself that sometimes I just have to go with the flow of my body and rest when I need rest but not to let that make me give up. I drug myself out to take Jeremy to Home Depot to get stuff to fix the toilet and to eat and made it an early night.

Wednesday was a work from home day and I also heard back from the admissions counselor from one of the schools, it sounded doable, expensive but doable until he got to the part where he wanted my bank information. He said that they can give me deferred billing so that I can submit it to my company to pay but the bill has to come to me and they pay me and I pay them. He further explained that most companies pay 100% for an A, 80% for a B, etc etc. I can't pay ANY percent, and what if I would get sick or something and not pass? at 1,000 a pop for a course I would be screwed. This was again looking out of my grasp. I also looked at my raise again and it was not the dollar per week amount I thought it was but per month instead, that wouldn't even cover cost of living increases!  I got so upset that I just wanted to run away and forget the whole world for a bit and rest and regain my strength, but where? and how when I was broke?..... I thought of Randy and I though of Vermont and I gave in and I wrote to him and told him I do want to go with him after all.  I added a song he had played for me when we were dating and when he was down and broken with a bad back If I lay here It had always been one we listened to and the closest thing to having an "Our Song that we ever got. It's sad and comforting at the same time..

That evening I went to a charity event in Red Bank. I wanted to help the cause, Big Brothers and Big Sisters of America. I ate dinner at home and ordered one Martini while I was there. I met two new people, one a nice woman who was new and shy, she was glad to have someone to talk to and I was glad to wave at my friends then hide in the corner LOL Turns out she is a funeral director and I remembered that besides being Imbolic it was the 1 year anniversary of my Mom's death. I wondered if I was odd because that did not make me sad, I decided that I was OK with it because I knew she had "graduated" to the next plane. Next I met a nice guy one who had recently joined my singles meetup and I had greeted him because it said Yoga on his interests. He told me that he has recenly lost 75 lbs by going to Overeaters Annonymous and encouraged me to try it and even offered me his phone number in case I wanted to go with him, not to be fresh he said. So I declined his number but told him I will look into going, it sounded intriguing for sure, I do know I stress eat and my stress is high now because of money and heavy work load at the office. When I
got home I was going to go to bed but my voice said to check my mail first....Randy had replied and said sure I will take you with me, and yes he remembered that song it meant something to him everytime he hears it and he was sorry about my job. I felt better, he may not be the mate for me but he's a good comforting friend, and together we can just lay around a bit and forget the rest.... I need that

Thursday was Ground Hog Day and he did see his shadow and as per lore we will get 6 more weeks of winter, that's ok by me I can use 6 more weeks of rest.. I worked hard that day and then met my friend for dinner and a movie. She was all upset because she's been sick for weeks now with sinus problems. I told her though its normal to be sick and need more rest this time of year, there will be plenty of time to work hard and feel better when spring comes. She also insisted on paying me $20 for the over the phone Reiki I had given her the other day. Its hard for me to take money from friends but she said how do you expect to make this a business if you won't take money? I was greatful to her. The movie was awesome too, I can;t reccomend it enough: extremely loud and incredibly close  Good lessons in that movie. When it was over and we were saying goodnight I told her you know I think I know why I am not getting promoted at J&J, beacause I am not meant to, I am not meant to become dependent on the corporate world because if so I will never leave it. I am meant to support myself by healing people, that is my talent, that is my gift, that is my pourpose. She agreed, she said once you get used to bring in a lot and living that life style its hard to go back and have less.

SO hey it's winter, I am moving slow and resting some and I got to do some thinking and planning to do but that's ok thats what this time of year is for. So today do not beat yourslef up if you don't get to the gym as much as you'd like to, or that life is passing you buy because you are sleeping a bit more, or that you don't have a really great plan of action just yet........ It's ground hog day, halfway through winter but not through there yet..........rest a little now, waste a little time, don't worry if you have all the answers just yet..... soon enough your spring will come and your life will be like a garden thats bursting into life!!




With Love and in the Light,  Cassie





"Chasing Cars"

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we’re told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?