2-17-12 Melting A Cold Cold Heart

The truth is that there is only one terminal dignity - love. And the story of a love is not important - what is important is that one is capable of love. It is perhaps the only glimpse we are permitted of eternity.
Helen Hayes, 1900-1993

 

2-17-12  Melting A Cold Cold Heart

Monday after work I went to the Nursing home to see my hospice patient. She seemed a little agitated as always, worrying over things that she wasn't able to communicate and then crying some. She did get a big smile as I was saying goodbye to her when I told her to have a Happy Valentines Day the next day. I wished she'd let go so she could go home to her husband and spend the day with him, but she is not yet ready to let go, she has said that before, I am not ready to go yet is very clear in her mumblings. I had texted Randy before going in there that I had used all my fish pills and that I was 50% better, good he had replied I will bring you more. While driving home he called me and told me all about his snowmobiling trip and how much this guy had put him down but how in the end his expensive and new snowmobile had broken down and he had to give him a ride and look up how to fix it and repair it in the parking lot at the hotel. He was all proud of himself but he swore to never ride with that guy again. Looks like I am going to get to go to Vermont next weekend and he said yes he'd rather spend the weekend with me. He talked to me all the way home and while I was unpacking my mail, I told him oh goody your V-day gift arrived! He sounded displeased, and I knew him well enough to know why, because now he HAS to go out and get me something, not because he doesnt care but because he doesn't like to spend the money. I didn't say one way or the other just commented that it wasn't nice to act that way when I had just excitedly told him I got him a gift , he mumbled something about geezee it's tomorrow and geezzee I need to work on my sled but I just ignored it.

Meanwhile back at home and there was much hustle and bustle in my home and noise from the basement. turns out one of my roommates had turned my basement into a tattoo parlor and was giving someone a tattoo down there. I asked Jeremy about it and who did Ed think he was and Jeremy said he's not hurting anything and he's trying to make his rent money for ya before you go away....couldn't argue with that I guess. LOL I started wondering if I should get brave and get one.... In the evening I worked some on my blog edits but kept getting distracted by facebook, one of Jeremy's old friends from our old town, a cute boy who adopted me as his Mom had posted something and I replied to it teasing him about a new job, then he posted he liked boys and I knew someone was messing with his site so I texted him and said either you came out of the closet or someones on your account, he got upset called me and dealt with it then texted me later saying the other guy was acting like a dick, I said no he's acting like himself LOL This whole thing amused me to no end though and made me feel glad to have these boys, who seem like family, as a part of my life. Oh and also my older boy Dustin had written me that day as well asking for some guidance on if any of my friends could help him to invest this lump sum payment he was getting from the Air Force. See he knows who his mom is even if we don't see eye to eye on religion... I went to bed that night feeling pretty good, watched part of the move Valentines Day and drifted to sleep......and just after midnight my phone woke me going drrrroooooiiiiiddddd.....

When I woke up in the morning my first thought was now who the heck texted me after midnight? It had been Randy wishing me a Happy Valentine's Day! Now how do you respond to a just after midnight, just after you got into deep sleep Happy Valentine's Day text? Well with a soon as you wake up and read it just after 5am Happy Valentines day text of course! LOL I waited all day to hear from him.....finally when I got home at 5 I saw he had texted at 4:15 (on his way to work) . It said I love You, HAPPY VALENTINES DAY. I was torn between feeling good about the I love you and annoyed that he had to wait till he was not with his family so he could then text me. I was slightly indignant and very sad about that for me AND for them, recalling how I felt when I was his girlfriend and he snuck and called his ex-GF when he was at work or late at night on holidays after I had gone to sleep. I didn't want to say I love you back, I didn't want to feel I love you back, loving him means pain to me because I am still at the point of loving someone means I want to BE with them, and no one can BE with Randy he's too free for that. I settled for You Do? Are you sure? LOL...his reply: Uh happy holiday C U tonite.....I couldn't resist one poke and replied what happened you sent the message to the wrong person? No duh he replied so I said OK c u 9:30....and my phone rang and it was Mary checking on me, she was really hoping that he would get me something for V-day and she was calling to see if he had. I told her maybe, that he was sneaking over after work, probably telling them he had extra deliveries for V-day. I told her he said he loved me and she said he does love you with Randy love, which always leaves you wanting. Yup I know I told her, not worries. TODAY he's what I have..in the future I hope God brings me more but I am going to be grateful today for what I do have. Besides I told her each sandpaper moment I get through with him smooths off a few of my rough edges, I am finally learning to just let things go and not start fights over it. Good she said very good. And I told her my philosophy on guys:

when a woman is in her teens or 20's the advice is Guys are like buses, there's always another one coming around soon.  But when a woman is in her 50's like I am, men are more like an old car, sure its old and its rusty, it breaks down often and it doesn't get you as far as you want to go but if you get rid of it you won't have anything to get you anywhere! Better to keep it around till something better comes along.....ya ya sounds kinda sad, but it's practical and its living in the moment with gratitude for what you do have.... After that I went online to finish my Birthday posts, I go around to each profile my main one and my spiritual one and my cassies caldendar one and wished people Happy Birthday. One I noticed someone from my calender site, who wasn't as old as me it said she had passed on, that was surprising and I thought about how annoying she could be at events, it made me pause wish I had been nicer to her. I read a few more posts and then noticed people talking about the Google Doodle for V-day  so I went to check it out, it really got to me I gotta say, I really could relate to the girl with the cold cold heart, but as you can see it wasn't gifts she wanted all she really wanted was for the boy to spend time and play with her.

I went to bed to wait for Randy and watched the movie Valentine's Day, course that just got me all stirred up on love and romance and the lack thereof in my life. The movie ended and he still wasn't there, I was just abu to text him that I was going to sleep when he showed up. He was 45 min late, but then again he was a UPS driver and it was Valentines Day. He came in with tales of late night floral deliveries, teddy bears and candies and bearing gifts..... 

I noticed that the one rose was silk and one was real, it was already dead, probably hidden in his truck from her, and who knows maybe plucked from a larger buouquet that he got for her. I gave him his very large box of candy and he was really happy with it, I told him I guess we better dump them in  a bag I don't know how you can hide this in your truck. He said he wasn't gonna he was going to take it in the house. I hadn't been in the mood for pokey but I did anyway, and he was especially attentive and stayed till past midnight. I did find out he had worked all day at Sears and that's the reason I didn't hear from him till after 4 so that made me feel better too. We also talked about Vermont, I asked were we going and he hemmed and stalled but I held my temper.... I reminded him he was supposed to give me a final answer yesterday. He went though all the reasons to go to Maine with the guys opposed to Vermont with me. In the end I told him he had 24 more hours and then I was making other plans.

The next day my buddy Mike called me, I had asked him to help my son make some investments plans and he said he was going to reply via e-mail soon. So I asked his advice on the Randy thing, and he reminded me that if i am in this I gotta take him as is, he said once he makes up his mind do not get mad if he don't want to take you but if he does, even if its at the last minute go, if you have no better plans.I really hate how you guys are I told him, yeah we suck don't we? Suck it up and deal or walk! he said. I spent spme time going over the meetup calender and found some things to do, I had a 4 day weekend and I was going to enjoy it somehow I thought. So after work when I ran some errands this was on my mind a good bit till finally I just said to the Universe I don't care, I just don't care whatever happens is fine. My phone went drrroooiiiiddd. It was Randy, the text said: would you like to go to Maine with me? I think my whole body smiled, he had thought of a compromise. Sure I said you're driving don't matter to me where ya take me (its all snow to me I thought) LOL. He texted the name of the place to reserch and I told him I would do it soon as I got home. He called later and we discussed it, then he went back the idea of Vermont, thinking of the 11 hr drive Maine would be. So I told him well if you go with that dude you can go with him, then he went on about how it was no fun to share a hotel room with him, he missed me and if we  went to Vermont he could ride me around to see some scenery. Whatever you want to do I told him, but know I will not ride for long hours or very fast.. He then asked what did I want, I told him I had found some things to do here and whatever he decided was fine. His call waiting beeped and he said he'd let me know. I was telling Adele, my new Reiki pen pal and she said my goodness he's a mess isn't he? Yup I said, but I understood, to him riding as fast as he could for as long and he can in the frozen wilderness is his love, but that's because he too has a cold cold heart and that's how he deals..... It's so much easier to deal when you understand....

Thursday after work I was finishing up packing for Vermont and telling Jeremy I was pretty sure I was going in the morning. Pretty sure he asked raising an eyebrow at me. Yeah you know how Randy is, but last night he was pretty much deciding he'd go with me. It was just after that I got a text and he wanted to know if I could be ready to leave at 6am. I thought about it and said sure, just text me when you wake up. I doupted he'd get up that early and even if he did I'd throw on a sweatsuit and go, I could nap in the truck if I wanted to. He texted a bit and then ended up calling all excited about our trip and that he was bringing TWO snowmobiles so that I can also ride with him! I had plans for me, my Kindle and the fireplace at the hotel but I told him I would give it a try if a flat place and for a short while. He also said he wanted to go out to dinner at this restraunt and he wanted to go on the sleds, I said after dark I wasnt gonna drive but I would ride on the back. He's like a kid how excited he is, and he finally confessed that he's getting scared about riding the trails alone, he keeps having this vision of breaking down and being stranded. Propbably his guardian angels warning him to be careful! LOL I had drug out my last baggie of SpiritStones, I had the idea to seed the whole ride up there but this made me think of also "planting" some along the VAST trails too. Might be a good idea.... So there you have it, I am heading to Vermont tommorow, with my friend. Randy's real happy I don't fight with him anymore and he's behaving much better because of it. I told him now that I just expect him to be my friend and not my boyfriend I lost all the expectations I had of ya. Good he said.....we'll see how good it is when I start looking for a motorcycle guy this spring. LOL But hey thats not today, today I am just going to enjoy what is.......

So today I want you to think about what it takes to melt a cold cold heart.....just a little peaceful time together, side by side just playing and enjoying and no worries no expectations and just loving with ease. It's not about what you spend ON a person either but more about the quality time you spend WITH them.....how many hearts can you work on melting? And have you started on yours???

With Love and in the Light,  Cassie

 "Cold Cold Heart"

I've tried so hard my dear to show
That you're my every dream
Yet you're afraid each thing I do
Is just some evil scheme

A memory from your lonesome past
Keeps us so far apart
Why can't I free your doubtful mind
And melt your cold cold heart

Another love before my time
Made your heart sad an' blue
And so my heart is paying now
For things I didn't do

In anger unkind words are said
That make the teardrops start
Why can't I free your doubtful mind
And melt your cold cold heart

There was a time when I believed
That you belonged to me
But now I know your heart is shackled
To a memory

The more I learn to care for you
The more we drift apart
Why can't I free your doubtful mind
And melt your cold cold heart