2-24-12 Learning to Love Myself
Tuesday morning I drove past Randy's house to see if her car was there, I had gone by the day before each time I ran out to run an errand and it wasn't there so I thought he had been lying about her coming back. This time it was there, so either she was back or he had only led me to believe she had left. Or who knows maybe in his mind he led me to think that so we'd have a better weekend? Or perhaps he was testing the waters with me to see if I really did want him? Who knows but one thing I knew for sure I wanted it all to stop. At this moment in time I don't even want to be his friend let alone think of more. He has always lied to me, or misled me or kept things from me and this is why there has always been turmoil. I prayed all the way to work and asked the angles to help me to forget he exists, move on and find someone new and to never look back again. My love for him is strong so I need strong help on this one. I wish I knew what it is in me that kept me believing and holding on, I have spent a great deal of my life waiting for someone to be with me, holding on to hope, not stepping into something real. I guess the real issue here is that I do not trust love so I settle for the possibility of love, that's so much safer to me. Sounds odd I know but I know many with this affliction, perhaps if I can beat it I can help others....... How does one set about learning to trust love, to grab it and live it instead of sit and wait and hope for it? Or worse yet semi-date someone who isn't truly available? That was the question spinning around and around in my brain as I went about my day. And just what was wrong with me that I had believed in him, wanted him, not wanted more for myself? Shortly after that this popped up in my news feed:
It confirmed to me that I wasn't crazy that he was a soul mate, this was a big point with me and why I kept going back. But instead of him being the soul mate for me to marry and spend the rest of my life with he was the soul mate to teach me some lessons. And I was pushed to the brink of nutcase on this one, wanting far too much to believe in what could be instead of just facing what is. I also learned that I still compromised and re-drew that line far too much, that I am not strong enough on who I really am when it comes to filling that aching gaping need inside me, that big burning desire to be LOVED. I am firmly convinced that no one really finds love until they do not NEED it anymore. And the only way to not need it is to love YOURSELF.
Another point this brings up with me is my weight issues, despite the fact that I have been going to the gym and being more active I haven't lost much weight. Main reason is I stress eat, and I sad eat, and I lonely eat, and I want a man eat. That is eat when I am upset or worried and eat when I really want love, that void in there is pretty big and it takes a lot to fill it. I have read some books and articles on the subject but I didn't really get it until today. All weekend long Randy had nagged me on my eating, and I did eat a good bit more than what is the norm for me, blaming it on my allergies and that my body must be craving energy to fight it off and I was so tired too but really I was eating to fulfill the unmet yearnings being with him leaves me, the yearning for true and deep affection and companionship. But this day, this day that I cut myself free of that thing with him that yearning for him and wanting love from him, this day my appetite was down, way down. No cookies for me, I had soup and salad for lunch and my energy was up, way up! I had flipped a switch by deciding that I did not NEED Randy to love me and want to be my mate. Now to remember where that switch is located in case I trip a circuit sometime!
Wednesday I stumbled across an article by Osho called Love or Mutual Masturbation, I love how blunt he is! It made me again see what I always knew but kept ignoring, that I had tried to build a relationship around good sex, when we had no hobbies in common, our sleeping and eating schedules did not match, nor how clean we like to keep our surroundings, his messiness is downright unhealthy!. I do not like riding things fast and he does not like going slow enough to see the scenery. And he was never content to go do the things I wanted to do like movies or karaoke or dinner out with friends, he is far too childish to have an adult conversation (and he wonders why people answer his Craigslist ads to go riding then blow him off once they meet him). But both of us out of our deep need to be loved tried to make that proverbial square peg fit in the round hole. I need to get back to the business of loving ME by going out and doing what I love to do, classes at the gym, walking, biking, sightseeing, spending time by the water....and its been so long since I went to a museum! That's what I need to do I told myself. With that in mind, and the unseasonably warm day, when I finished work I headed down to the beach to walk the shore and pick up shells. First I drove by the house on Sunset that I had wanted to buy just to see if they were still there, yep they were. The I drove around looking for other homes for sale with that same view, I am not giving up on that vision that I had of me sitting working from a deck with that view of the bay. Then I went to Cliffwood Beach and walked around and Oh how glorious it was , the sounds of the waves gently lapping were as soothing to my soul as if it were a baby being rocked and sang to in its mothers arms. I guess the earth is my mother though and that is why it soothes my soul so much. I love and nurture myself by spending time in nature. It was Ash Wednesday and the beginning of a new moon--40 days of Lent a time of deep reflection, a time to strip away whatever darkness, confusion, and old patterns cover the sun-the Light- in our hearts. Then, in the spring, we can be reborn into our true nature- our authentic self-on the first full moon in springtime. Yes yes that is what I am going to do. For Lent I give up the NEED to be loved and all the crazy things that need drove me to do.....
Thursday after work I went to see my hospice patient and then to a singles even my friend pulled together. It was the last thing I wanted to do I can't tell you enough how sick I am of the singles scene, especially being an overweight woman over 40. All the men always circle around the few yonger hotter women or the ones in short skirts and high heels. Ugh But then again they just go for that type because of thier own ego insecurities, they want eye candy to show off to thier friends so they look good. I can't tell you how many men I have been a friend and confidante to, who deeply loved me, yet would never date me because of my size. Ahh but does that really matter now? It shouldn't. At any rate I ened up being glad that I went as I talked to a few people who really needed a friend, and were probably feeling a bit insecure themselves. One in particular who really needs help as she is starting a new job, she asked if I had any SpiritStones with me but I did not. I really need to get brave and order some more of those to sell. But anyway I charged her ring for her with some energy and told her to contact me when she gets started as I may trade in my car if I can get a good deal.
Friday I woke up to this in my newsfeed, confirming my task at hand for myself:
contined: http://cassiespath4.blogspot.com/2012/02/2-24-12-learning-to-love-myself-part-2.html
Wednesday I stumbled across an article by Osho called Love or Mutual Masturbation, I love how blunt he is! It made me again see what I always knew but kept ignoring, that I had tried to build a relationship around good sex, when we had no hobbies in common, our sleeping and eating schedules did not match, nor how clean we like to keep our surroundings, his messiness is downright unhealthy!. I do not like riding things fast and he does not like going slow enough to see the scenery. And he was never content to go do the things I wanted to do like movies or karaoke or dinner out with friends, he is far too childish to have an adult conversation (and he wonders why people answer his Craigslist ads to go riding then blow him off once they meet him). But both of us out of our deep need to be loved tried to make that proverbial square peg fit in the round hole. I need to get back to the business of loving ME by going out and doing what I love to do, classes at the gym, walking, biking, sightseeing, spending time by the water....and its been so long since I went to a museum! That's what I need to do I told myself. With that in mind, and the unseasonably warm day, when I finished work I headed down to the beach to walk the shore and pick up shells. First I drove by the house on Sunset that I had wanted to buy just to see if they were still there, yep they were. The I drove around looking for other homes for sale with that same view, I am not giving up on that vision that I had of me sitting working from a deck with that view of the bay. Then I went to Cliffwood Beach and walked around and Oh how glorious it was , the sounds of the waves gently lapping were as soothing to my soul as if it were a baby being rocked and sang to in its mothers arms. I guess the earth is my mother though and that is why it soothes my soul so much. I love and nurture myself by spending time in nature. It was Ash Wednesday and the beginning of a new moon--40 days of Lent a time of deep reflection, a time to strip away whatever darkness, confusion, and old patterns cover the sun-the Light- in our hearts. Then, in the spring, we can be reborn into our true nature- our authentic self-on the first full moon in springtime. Yes yes that is what I am going to do. For Lent I give up the NEED to be loved and all the crazy things that need drove me to do.....
Thursday after work I went to see my hospice patient and then to a singles even my friend pulled together. It was the last thing I wanted to do I can't tell you enough how sick I am of the singles scene, especially being an overweight woman over 40. All the men always circle around the few yonger hotter women or the ones in short skirts and high heels. Ugh But then again they just go for that type because of thier own ego insecurities, they want eye candy to show off to thier friends so they look good. I can't tell you how many men I have been a friend and confidante to, who deeply loved me, yet would never date me because of my size. Ahh but does that really matter now? It shouldn't. At any rate I ened up being glad that I went as I talked to a few people who really needed a friend, and were probably feeling a bit insecure themselves. One in particular who really needs help as she is starting a new job, she asked if I had any SpiritStones with me but I did not. I really need to get brave and order some more of those to sell. But anyway I charged her ring for her with some energy and told her to contact me when she gets started as I may trade in my car if I can get a good deal.
Friday I woke up to this in my newsfeed, confirming my task at hand for myself:
contined: http://cassiespath4.blogspot.com/2012/02/2-24-12-learning-to-love-myself-part-2.html
No comments:
Post a Comment