2-21-12 Conditional Love

Our job is unconditional love.

The job of everyone else in our life is to push our buttons.Byron Katie

2-21-12  Conditional Love

Friday bright and early at 5:50 am I got a text from Randy...I'll be there at 6 he said...I told you I need 20 minutes I sent back....OK....he arrived at 6:11am LOL The kid that he is was all excited to get up there. We hit the road and talked and talked and talked like we always do, me doing more listening than talking, but that's ok its always been my personality and I am quite content that way. He looked over at me and asked "do you like me?" and I said sure I like you, we are friends, to which he frowned. I told him now you know get along better that way, leave it be. Then I asked him what he did with the big box of chocolates I got him and he said they were sooo good, he has them next to his bed and eats some everynight. I asked didn't she ask where they came from, he said she hasn't been home. No ? No, not for 2 weeks he said sheepishly. Where did she go? I don't know she split took the dog and left the kids. He said there was something said about going up north to take care of grandma but I am not sure. I asked a series of questions and found out that not only was she and her dog gone but so was all her clothes, half the dishes, all the tolietries, pictures from the wall, and the attic was bare. But the kids were still there and they weren't talking about her at all. I think she left ya I told him.. Maybe he said.. More questions later and I got out of him that she left when he had his vacation scheduled, just a couple weeks after her youngest kid turned 18 and she had threated to do so countless times before. I was speachless. I then asked how are you going to afford to pay  the utilites and the grocery bills for them? I am not he said, the pantry's about bare they will have to start buying food instead of spending money on cigarettes, video games and going out clubbing. I was still floored. I don't care if they are 18 and 21 what kind of mother dissapears on her kids I told him? And how can you afford that electric bill, wasn't it in her name? Has it been paid since she left? Nope, the older boy is gonna have to pay it he said. I also asked about Valentines day, saying that I had felt like my one rose had been pulled from a bigger bouqet. He said no I got her a dozen pink ones, they are still sitting on the table and the cats are eating them. I asked why he got them and he said in case she came home and was mad there was nothing. He then told me the older kid came and gave him an unsigned card and a box of candy and said it was from her. He said he didnt belive it was from her especially since she got him nothing for Christmas. I said I thought you told me she bought you running shoes for Christmas? No I nought them for me and she was supposed to wrap them and pay me back but she didn't. Wow I said...all she got me for my birthday was a box of ding dongs he said and she threw those at me. I had nothing to say about how sad and pathetic I thought it all was. But this is the life he chose over trying to grow and change and get me back. He told me he was glad she was gone though....


We arrived at the hotel shortly after 1 and I wanted to go get lunch, I get ill if I get too far off schedule. But after all the teasing we had done to each other all the way there he wanted some pokey. So we wound up going out for food at 4 and eating in the car as we drove up from St Johnsbury to Island Pond. He wanted to check out the snow conditions as there really wasn't much near the hotel. Before we left I got out a big white SpiritStone and we both held it as I charged it with the intention for snow for him to ride out of the hotel the next morning (I was hoping to be able to have the truck and not be stuck ALL day in the hotel). When we got to Island Pond it looked a bit mushy and not totally frozen so when he wanted me to go for a ride with him I opted to sit in the resteraunt and read my book. He rode for about an hour then came back and got me and rode me a short distance to the bon fire. That was fun we had brownies and tea and watched the snowmobiles come in. I got  video  video2 of that too. We hung out a bit and then went back to the hotel, ordered dinner and hung out in the hot tub some before going to bed. We had two beds but he came over and got in mine with me till I feel asleep. I hoped that I didn't snore and bother him in the night, that was a BIG issue with us when we dated and it drove us apart, he never ever stopped complaining about it instead of us working out solutions. He thinks its silly that I left him over that but he hurt my feelings over it so many times I couldn't stay... Right before bed I asked him, do you think she will come back? Probably he said....

Saturday I woke up before him and saw three snowmobilers heading out the trail behind the hotel and they had no problems, there had been some snow the night before! . I couldn't wait for him to wake up so I could tell him and I peeked over and noticed the ear plugs in his ears. *sigh* he said I didn't snore but I can't imagine him having those in unless I had. Oh well. When he got up we went down to breakfast together and he wound up talking to some other sledders and decided to drive back up to Island Pond to ride. That meant I was stuck all day at the hotel with no car. I didn't really mind though I spent the day online, reading, napping and watching TV, a much needed lazy day. He texted in the early evening Hot Tub at 9pm, I sent back and OK and ordered our dinner of spagetti and meatballs so it would arrive at 8, we could eat and go together. The place called about one and a half hours later to say they were out of pasta!! I called him all upset about 8:45 and he was just arriving back. In the end I had to call a new place then wait for the food while he went to the Hot Tub alone. He didn't stay long though as the place was full of noisy sledders drinking beer and throwing hamburgers around the place like foot balls. So we had a nice evening together but I told him I really do not ever want to move up here, I know we tossed that possiblity around at one point but no way can I deal with the lack of take out or even grocery stores. He said he was seriously re-thinking that himself.

Sunday he woke up and decided that he was going to leave from the hotel. He wanted me to ride with him but looking at that steep hill, and the tales he told of how bumpy the trail had been the day before caused me to chicken out. He was very dissapointed and I told him I was very sorry that I had intended to ride with him a bit on sunday when I told him I wanted to but now in the moment, I was too afraid. It remined me of the summer two years ago when I had come up there with him and chickend out on riding the motorcycle with him. I truly believe if I was meant to ride I would have foumd the courage, he does take awful risks, and rides really fast and he told me himself he is afraid to ride alone anymore, picturing himself injured along the trail and no one finding his body for days. But anyway we had decided to go home that day instead of stay till monday due to the lack of snow and I was glad. The plan was I was going to hang at the room till 1pm then pack the trucj and hang in the lobby by the fireplace with my book while he rode and then we'd head home about 4pm. I had saved half of my dinner from the night before to eat for lunch and was quite content with the plan. But he wasn't gone even a hour when the phone rang, his sled had broken down and I had to get the truck and go pick him up. He was very dissapointed about it breaking down yet again as he had put so much money into it. We drove around and saw some scenery in the truck and he told me he really thinks he's about done and tired of riding and he may give it up, or at least go back to just one sled and come less often and he's pretty darn sure he won't move up here now when he retires.

Later in the day we went to eat lunch before heading home, as we started to walk into the resteraunt he reached for my hand, I started to take it but he was walking too fast and I hadn't been feeling well the whole trip. I said no I do not want to hold your hand I don't want to start acting like that when so much is unsettled. What I was really thinking was when you haven't told me you want to find a way for us to live together now. He looked really sad about it but I just wasnt feeling like budging. So I started in on him about her and he better think about if he wants her back or not and if he does he needs to call and apologize and try to do better, that he could have fixed things with me if he had tried but he didn't. He again said that he just sits back and ends up with what comes to him he has no choices and I said no you DO have choices but you are stubborn and you let them pass you by. We started to head home and he kept talking about the snowmoblie should he fix it, ditch it replace it what, I talked about the kind of man I hoped to find and how I wanted to spend my life near the shore. I gave him the snow SpiritStone though and told him to keep it in his snowmobile jacket to always bring him snow and also to keep him save. We stopped at a Power sports store and he got his eye on a new snowmobile there and I knew what he was going to end up doing.... He then started to comment on how no one had texted or called him all weekend. He was kinda worried about that too so I told him why doesn't he check in? He said oh I bet when I get home she's there. I rolled my eyes. We spent a good deal of the ride home just poking each other's buttons, I honestly don't know why we keep doing this to one another, or should I say I don't know why I do this to him. I have spent all this time growing and evolving and changing and ask any of my really close friends they will say that I have, but when it comes to Randy I still act like a child, and insecure, messed up, totally guarded child. When he dropped me off I was so annoyed with him that when he said see you soon I said No you won't please leave. He did with out a word and the next day when I told him sorry that I had broken my promise to not get mad at him anymore he just said something snotty and I said something snottier back. Ugh I am so ashamed of my behavior. But here we are two people dangling our hearts on a string, keeping them from one another, wanting to be sure all conditions are correct for us to share them. Then again I think I have every right to dangle mine after the way he's treated me, but he thinks the same of me..... *sigh* I know there are lessons here yet for me to learn.......and I shall pray for guidance for that bigger issue. I know it will come... Mary says thought that I kept reacting so guardedly because he never was totally honest with me and he never behaved fully like a grown up relationship so that makes me feel better. But all I can do is try to find the lesson and keep moving onward with my life.

Today I want you to look at your life and your relationships and see where your are loving conditionally, or where you are pushing buttons of the ones that you really do love but just can't seem to show it or let go and feel it and go with the flow of love...... It's a tought thing to do, to just Love and be Loved, no strings attached.........but its by far the most important thing you ever do.....


With Love and in the Light,  Cassie

RIP Whitney Houston 

I Will Always Love You Official Music Video
http://youtu.be/8QaI-M9sxW4