2-10-12 Light for the Longings

Full moon calls to the heart - Tell me what you ache for. And the heart whispers to the full moon- silver secrets and iridescent dreams. What are the dreams you left behind- the places you have not gone, the life you have not lived? Tell the moon. She will listen, and light your way. Bring out from the moon shadows what longs to be lived.   Oriah Mountain Dreamer

 2-10-12  Light for the Longings

Tuesday I went to the office and had a ton of stuff to do. My associates had done some stuff when I was out but not everything that I do. I also had a lot of requests for stuff to do and I pushed back on some of it. I have been driving myself too hard and making myself sick in the process and now that I know I am never going to get promoted I have no desire to go all the extra miles for this company. Even when I slow down I am still doing the work of 3 people for them, I do not feel guilty anymore for pushing back. Now the question remains, will they see the light and promote me or will I get traded to a new group? For now I am leaving this one to the Universe...

I was supposed to have a coffee date with a guy from Craigslist after work but I asked him if we could push it back to Friday, I needed to go to the gym and to the library. He didn't even reply to me at all. I really hate going through all the creeps and the jerks and the losers to find one descent guy to date from the online ads, yet still it seems to be the best place to find someone, all the guys who come to meetup there are 6 or 8 other women there before me per guy and most of them do not want a relationship that is why they are out at meetup every night. Also it's hard to wade through a cesspool of human sludge and not come out stinking yourself on the other side, which is what's wrong with most singles today, they are all jaded, and justifiably so. I like most everyone else on the dating scene these days expect the worst , and thats really no way to do it, because you do get what you expect. I am still working on the answer to that problem. ...

At lunchtime I went to my wallet to get money out and it seemed to me that $100 was missing. It haunted me all afternoon, I do keep my purse locked up at home now but there is one key hidden in the box where my angel cards are, I figured anyone who would look at those wouldn't steal from me. It bugged me and bugged me and I got to thinking how I kept smelling pot, not for real but as a warning, and then I recalled that Jeremy's friend who always drove him to the place to buy had been down last night... Yet I didn't want to believe my own son would take money from me now, when I am so desperate in need for it. I prayed dear angels, please show me who took my money.......and my phone rang.....it was jeremy and I felt that meant it was him. He seldom calls me during the day but he called to tell me he had made the call to unemployment. I of course confronted him and he of course denied it, but when I said I always keep my purse locked up but you must have found where I hid the spare key he went silent. I can't begin to tell you the sadness of this betrayal was. Not that he hasn't stolen from me before, but it was worse now, in Flemington he had been surrounded by rich kids who regularly took money from thier parents but now we lived in a new area and I had hoped the examples of the boys he hangs with now would teach him something...

I went home and changed and went right back out to the gym, not even waiting to talk to him. It bugged me and bugged me not knowing what was truth, I was too close to this problem to trust my hunches, so I texted Mary. I got a text back right away but it was not her it was Randy, he said he had some "fish pills" for me, he's worried about my heart and thinks they will help. We, being distrustful of doctors and not having extram money for co-pays and extra visits and sometimes not even having any insurance, have been using these for years when we think we have infections. He thinks its my overactive sinusus that are over taxing my heart and causing the squeezing, I am sure there is truth to that. Anyway.... he said he was bringing them over when he got off work and I said good. Between then and when he came Mary texted and said yes he did take my money but to go easy on him he's a good boy. When Randy came he said that he "didn't see it" and if he had taken that much he would have seen it and I know him well enough to know that he is right. The next day Mary said if he took any in his mine he was not stealing only borrowing and in the end I decided to let it go. Fear of lack has me off kilter in this area.

It was really nice to see Randy though, he came in and layed on my bed with me, he always looks so cute in his UPS uniform and I rolled over and hugged him and he smelled so good. I told him this is what I want a nice smelling boyfriend to come home to me at night. He said he could be that boyfriend and I said no you can't you live over there with THEM, and he said but I like coming home to you, they ignore me, playing video games or drinking with buddies, she don't even look at me or talk to me they are all just using me for a place to live. I cut him off and asked about snowmobiling--- that story led to something I don't like, this weekend he is going with his new friends to Vermont and next weekend he is supposed to got and take me, I have even already started packing! BUT....now he says they are going to Maine for those 4 days and he may want to go with them. I didn't get mad, I understood why he wanted to go when he explained it, its so rare for him to find people to ride with, and his vacation had been cut short... So I said well I guess I will start unpacking, and darn it I cancelled my workshop and offered my ticket I had already bought for Mardi Gras, I wonder if I can get that back??  But he said no no just wait I am not sure yet if I want to go with them, I have to see how this weekend goes


Wednesday I was working from home and the cat did his usual trick of sleeping on the rug NEXT to the bed that I bought for him see:

I do not understand why he does this! Its a nice soft warm bed! So I texted Randy and showed him the picture and I asked him to use his powers and tell the cat to get in his bed. I focused on my work and then 10 minutes later I looked and he was in his bed! see other picture:

I texted with Randy later and said did you do that? Yup was his reply. I thanked him and then he reminded me to take my "fish pills". After work I took Jeremy to buy his groceries for the week and he even bought us some Kentucky Fried Chicken for dinner. Then later in the evening I sat there and got to thinking and feeling so sad and lonely and then I texted Randy whining and complaining about how lonely I was and how unfair it all is that she who does not appreciate him or treat him well gets to live with him and I am left alone, it got so bad that he called me and we talked awhile. I told him he needs to tell the universe that he does not want me so that I can be free. We talked a long time the details I won't get into but he thinks I am too picky and I want too much from a guy and I should just pick one already. He really had me bugging out for a bit but just before bed my reading from Adele came, you can read it below if you really want to know or if you want to learn how reading work. But all in all the answer is the same, the universe is working on it, so work on ME and do what I LOVE and find my own passion. Yes I would be unhappy if committed to a man who would leave me on Valentines weekend to go to Maine with the guys, and he would be unhappy with a woman who would want him to spend it with her instead of going with the guys.....

Thursday I ordered three big 28 ounce heart shaped boxes of chocolates, one for each of my son's and one for Randy, because friend or not I do love him. When I texted Dustin to verify his current address he spouted something about not sending him something that he hates this Hallmark , comercial holiday and he doesn't want anything and I should invest the money instead. I sent the gift before I read the second message and I told him too late and if he hated the gift that much he can take it to work and share with the guys in his shop. Oh his is too young to be so cranky that boy! He has spent way too much time with my cranky old Dad! LOL I do not get the whole hate Valentines Day thing at all! One of my friends posted in the Spiritual group some link about Occupy Valentines Day! My God what are they going to complain about, or tell us we are doing wrong next? This was my reply to that comment:

personally i really apreciate V-day-   i hope to get a box of chocoltes or a dinner out

but i am sure to GIVE a box of chocolates to those that i love-- i was blessed with an ad purchase and the fact that walmart.com takes pay pal and got my sons and my favorite man friend a box each

and sure it should be everyday but i kinda like the idea that there is a day dedicated to showing love,

its sad but true that we get so busy with life that we foget the things we should do every day

but that to me is what holidays were made for- V-day, christmas, easter, 4th of july- the world gives us permisson to slow down and take a moment to give and to enjoy.............as we evolve we will learn to give this permision to ourselves on ANY day.....sadly the planet isnt there yet

I find it deeply saddening that some choose this day to feel sorry for themselves and look at what they lack or what they desire (and I too have cried a few tears on many a V-day so no judgement here)

But yes I am very very thankful for V-day and I wont get involved in anything that has Occupy in the title, I am not here to sit around and try to make anyone see my point of view on any matter, I am here to get up and live my life in the best way that i can so that others may want to get up and come join in the fun

and that's all I got to say about that....

Thursday night I was so bone tired weary from work, there is so much to do that my work flow gives me chest pains every time I look at it! I had to cancel my appointment with my trainer that night and stay home and lay on the couch, somethings gotta give I am not giving up my life and my health for that place! Randy also called to talk to me for a bit, Jeremy had called him during the day asking to borrow a caulking gun and he had said he had to look for it, it may be broken and besides he was leaving for Vermont. Jeremy had said ok just when you can get to it please do....so Randy fearing I would get mad (and thusly he wouldn't get laid) called me to explain how he was leaving and probably going up that night to Morristown to sleep in a hotel room as the guy he was going with wanted to leave at 8am the next day. I was incredulous that he had $60 to spend on a room so he could save an hours sleep but yet he never has money to take me out to dinner, and I will be shocked if he gets me anything or takes me out for V-day. Yes this is the reason he is a friend and not my mate, I do deserve better. I love him but again I must love me more and know that I deserve to be treated better than this. I begged off the phone call due to the noise in his truck and didn't feel at all sad about him, or about my single hood on yet another approaching V-day. I know the universe loves me and is working on this for me....

Friday my angel card of the day was Focus and that is just what I intend to do. Focus on the love that is in my life and focus on the love I wish to share and to attract. I know that it will come to me and I also know that I am pretty lucky right now too.

Today I want you to focus on the good things and the love that you DO have. Do not behave like little children sitting in your bed crying and afraid of the shadows in your room, you choices: Hide under the covers and hope things will change, call out for help so that someone comes and saves your from the shadows or turn on the light and see there really are no shadows and you are just fine! Only light will lead you to where you want to go.....step into it and get on your way!

With Love and in the Light, Cassie



Reading:
I'm doing your reading to answer your question if Randy is a friend or mate.

Here's what I get:
Archangel Chamuel - Beloved one
Archangel Michael - Remember Who You Are
Archangel Haniel - Passion

This is interesting considering the question is about Randy.  My answer is going to be friend...Here's why:

The first card says "I am helping you with your spiritual soul mate relationship." What I feel from this is that you're in a discovery phase right now and aligning yourself with spiritual guidance as well as spiritual knowledge. I feel as though this "soul mate" is you, that Arch Chamuel is helping you find and love you. Call upon him for guidance and help because he can help you find your self love as well as the love that your heart desires.

What's interesting is this leans right into the 2nd card which is "You are powerful, loving and creative child of God. You are very loved." You're bright, beautiful and stronger than you think you are.  You need to almost use this card's message as a daily affirmation. I also hear that you need to pause for a moment, quiet your mind and uncover what you feel about Randy.  Are you in love with Randy or the idea of Randy.  The reason that they are asking that is because you're losing sight of yourself... which plays back into the spiritual/the first card.  It's important for us to be true to our real core selves FOR EVERYTHING - work, love, self love, spiritual, etc...

The third card really sums this up AND ties in the other reading I did for you.  The card reads "Trust and follow your renewed passion in your love life and career." So if you follow this in steps like action items when you love you, you're going to discover your heart and soul's passion.  You're partially there.. look at what you uncovered about work.  You're not passionate about love right now. What I mean by passionate is what burns inside of you, what moves you what makes you tick, what makes you love... do you know? Stop at nothing... find YOUR passions. As yourself "what do I want?"

NOW.. with the reading I had yesterday.  We are all coming into alignment with new energy this energy is a new learning process for us.  This is a year of discovery of emotions, true self and getting rid of the things (energy, people, etc...) that are not good for you.  Distance yourself from the people that consume your energy.  Protect your energy, shield, cut cords and cleanse your energy daily.  What I really think is interesting is though we're going through different things... my life is changing around me.  I'm looking around and realizing that EVERYTHING I know is different than how it was 3 months ago! I've pushed/backed away from people that come to me for help but do not want to help themselves, people that do not respect me, and people that just simply take me for granted.  I never would have imagined I'd be in this sort of "ok what do I have to do because change is coming and its right around the corner..." situation.

So with all that said... I think that you should just find some quiet time and as yourself: How do you feel about Randy? and What do you want? I think you'll be surprised what you find out....

HUGS and Love!
Adele

my reply:

I love Randy for many reasons, and he is spiritually gifted too which is a very rare find- when together both our our powers are even stronger and together its truly amazing

BUT

Randy is still a little childlike and selfish and doesn't want to move forward he thinks he's fine the way he is

so he comes to me we are both hugely happy then he disappoints me in some way--- his childlike personality delights me at other times    -- but i guess the bottom line is he always puts himself first before me, then again he thinks i should do the same..

I love him and I want him to want to grow up a little and be more giving and committed IF he wants me

I hear you on the change, I have been going through quite a bit of change myself these past few years.....and I am almost there....  I guess I kinda know its not quite my time to have THE relationship of my dreams, not just yet.....but i did want to know if it was to be Randy or someone else...........I guess I need to think more on the question   what do I want, what will keep my passion burning for the distance

Her last reply:

Well that does make more sense. Because I really kept hearing that she needs to be true to herself.  Guys are so blind sometimes - they don't see the wonderful thing they have in front of them and when they finally do, it's always too late. Don't lose your boundary... that you want him to grow up and be more giving and committed. The best advice I've ever been given is don't put more into a relationship than what you are getting back.  I'm not saying that you shouldn't reach out from time to time and stick your foot in the water to test the temperature... I did it with John. But, the more you give,... the less effort they have to put forth.  You deserve to be committed to and you deserve endless and copious amounts of love... in every fathomable and mind blowing way ;). 

Hugs, smiles and love!
Adele