1-30-12 The Pain

The struggle of my life created empathy - I could relate to pain, being abandoned, having people not love me.

Oprah Winfrey

1-30-12  The Pain

Friday night as I was eating my dinner, finishing up my last blog, posting the indigo child link to my son's facebook wall when I got an e-mail from Randy with the subject line come to my world and look it was a video of a guy snowmobiling in Vermont saying this is what I see when I listen to my I-pod and ride. My reply to him was OMG I could only listen to it for a sec, why would they ruin that beautiful scenery with that disturbing sound track? I know this is the stuff he listens to also, bad ass hard rock full of pain and anger. *sigh* I went to get ready for the meetup dance that night, but after washing up, laying out my clothes on the bed I layed there for a minute and talked myself out of going out. It was hard, 96 had signed up, many of whom were my friends and some I hadn't seen in awhile but.... I checked my mail after putting on my PJs and Randy had replied saying if I was with him he'd listen to this song to which I replied sure its a quater after 1, your a little drunk and you need me now but...by a quarter after 2 the kids or the wife will be texting ya to come home.....

Saturday I got up did a few chores and met my reiki friend for a walk down by atlantic highlands along the water. She is my hero, she gives reiki treatments over the phone and makes great money doing it! That's what I want to do someday, someday soon! It was nice to walk and talk to her and I was suprised when she told me she and her husband are separated, especially since I had just met him at the New Years party. She said that was a "date". I listened to her and she basically just needs time to be just her and I kinda get that. I told her about my date on wednesday and she said oh no he's not right for you and she totally got my "hands thing" and said she looks at that too. After the walk we went to breakfast by the bay and talked and talked. Its so nice to have a spiritual friend who gets me on that level. She told me about how she works with the angels during her healing sessions and I told her that I have been being told to do that too, she said you totally should as you have angels around you all the time.  I ran a few errands and came home ready for a nap but ran into Jeremy and one of my roomates walking to the store. It was good to see them making friends, I knew that he would and they are good respectable boys too and his age. They drink some but they both work and came from blue collar families down here. I was very happy about all that because its been hard to show him what life really is when his friends all come from rich families, they wreck their expensive cars and have new ones in 48 hrs... He and I are trying a new arrangement, instead of him paying me $50 a week (1/3 of his income) and eating twice that in food, now he is not going to pay me anything, he will do chores for his rent BUT he has to buy his own food and if he eats anything of mine he has to pay for it. I think it may be a better deal for me and teach him even more responsibility....

Anyway, I checked my e-mail before my nap and there was one from Randy asking me what I was up to. Yup family gone for the day, him on vacation, if he had asked me to do something, as in activity and not sex related only, I may have said yes.... So I told him about my day and that I was supposed to go to a party in Morristown but I was going to reply no and then I was taking a nap. I did just that and I had bad dreams again, the afternoon before I dreamed a voice saying don't you worry about stability living in that rental house, he could kick you out at any time....today's bad dreams were i got tested for cancer at my job and then i got laid off and for some reason it seemed that my job had given me cancer but laid me off before it could be discovered. I had gone to Mary for advice and she told me to get in her jeep and she would take me somewhere for help but for some reason I could not get into her vehicle. Wierd very wierd but my angel-card-of-the-day had been dreams so I paid some attention to it. Once I woke up I checked my mail and was trying to figure out what I was going to eat for dinner and how I was going to spend my evening. Randy had replied to my e-mail saying he had nothing to do, I was debating on if I wanted to hang with him, ask him to get food or go see a movie or come give me a back rub. I finally texted and asked when would the kids be home. 9pm he said...oh ok and I let it be. What I wanted to hear was something along the lines of it doesn't matter I got all the time you want. He did reply again saying he was thinking of going to the fishery so I said I am starving come get me and I will go with ya....Ok I will, be ready in 10 min I said. He got here in 5 and laid down on my bed exhausted looking and told me the stories of how sick he's been and how disappointing last weekends Vermont trip had been that he stayed home this weekend.

So we went to get food at the fishery and we sat in the truck parked by the bay and ate and we talked and we joked some and I said see isn't it nice now that we are friends? He said he missed pokey and I said that I just wasn't into him that way now it was a real turn off to think of him heading off to be with the kids all the time. He didn't get it but he doesn't have to get it he just has to accept it. I told him about my date and he said he too could see that he wasn't right for me. I told him I especially didn't like the way he didn't want to hear about my spiritual stuff. After we ate he said what ya wanna do and I said oh we can go for a ride if ya want to, so he pulled out of the parking lot and I said well if you need to get home before the kids do its OK to take me home, but he said they had gotten home just as he was leaving and he told them he was going for food. I told him to take me home but he said he had some time, in then end we ended up going to Home Depot, I needed a vanity light bulb and he wanted to look at floor tiles. I couldn't believe she wouldn't go pick out floor tiles with him. As we got out of the truck he had a spring in his step and said he felt much better, I think its cuz of my reiki energy but I said nothing. When he dropped me off I told him if he wanted to do breakfast at that diner to text me in the morning I might be able to squeeze that in before game day....

I went to bed that night and looked at my poster on the wall called Dreams, and it said to dream of the life you want and such so I thought oh good maybe that was what the card had meant and I did dream that night, I dreamed of getting stock from my company and it growing and growing to a large sum. This did happen to me once in my life when I was on the verge of losing my house and I prayed in desperation, its not likely to happen again but still the dream showed me that I was going to be OK, at least it made me feel OK about my finances and really that's all you have to do is feel OK, God takes care of the rest and guides us to where we need to go and what we need to do to make money. So I was totally enjoying this dream when my phone rang at 5am..........It was Jeremy. He and my basement roommates had gone to a party and were drinking. While there Ed started beating on his girlfriend, Jeremy got upset and got in the middle of it and got thrown out of the house, he was so upset that he called me while he was walking home and went on and on about all this past pain he has inside of him about my ex beating me, my ex raping his brother and he saying it was HIS fault because it was his Dad that did it. Oy Vey the pain. I tried to reason with him that he was only 6 yrs old how could he have done anything. Then he said he just wanted to help Ed and I told him he can't reason with a person when drunk and he probably has a lot of pain too. After I got Jeremy settled then Ed came home and he was packing up and was going to leave, I talked him into staying and sleeping and we'd talk about it in the morning. Oh but the pain and the drama that came from inside him!

Sunday I got up and was preparing to go to my Board Games event, I dashed off a quick e-mail to Randy offering him a massage if he would call Jeremy and spend just a bit of time with him. Part of what he was crying about was growing up without a father and never having a male role model etc etc. I prayed it would work, they both need each other and they have more in common than they realize, but in many ways that is what keeps the bristles up with those two I think... Anyway the games event was a huge success and we all had so much fun! I am going to do more of those for sure. When I got home Jeremy greeted me with: Did you ask Randy to call me and hang out with me? Umm well errr yes I did you were crying so much that you have no make in your life. Well he called, asked if I wanted to go to McDonalds, I asked did my mom put you up to this and he said yes so I told him no thanks. I saw the e-mail from Randy saying he was depressed, did not feel well and would take him another day and I replied Oh well.  I also complained to Randy when he called later but his defense was that of course he'd get suspicious when he called him out of the blue like that he had to be honest. Randy listned to the story of the night before but concluded that he had no advice, that he too had it bad when he was a kid but he never behaved like my kid does. He did relate to the part about how Jeremy misses riding, that was how he gets out his pain, I knew already that is how they both deal with it.....

Oh the world is just so full of pain and hurt that we stuff down inside of is and it makes us all sick. I may not act out or drink or drug but I turn to food, cookies and such to feel better... I thought on that and decided to get busy and make the meetup group for fitness events for those of us who are in bad shape I slapped it together and I called Fun and Easy Fitness  I went to bed that night with a bit of hope in my heart.........but I knew I still needed answers on how to help these people who have so much pain inside of them....

It really is sad how full of pain we all are, and how we stuff it deep inside and it makes us sick.........we do not acknowledge it we just get mad at the behaviors. But like I told Jeremy, we all were born sweet and innocent babies, its life and how we react to the troubles that come our way that make us who we are. It doesn't really matter though what vice we self medicate with: sex, drugs, food, extreme danger, acts of violence, refusing to grow up, gambling etc........its all the same. Pain pain pain......we need to release it and stop stuffing it inside..........we are all as pure as the angels we need to stop letting our pain keep us from being who we were really meant to be..........

With Love and in the Light,  Cassie

1-27-12 A Willing Spirit

“If you want to change the world, love a woman all the way through until she believes you, until her instincts, her visions, her voice, her art, her passion, her wildness have returned to her, until she is a force of love more powerful than all the political media demons who seek to devalue and destroy her.” ~ Lisa Citore ♥

1-27-12  A Willing Spirit

Monday after work I headed out to the gym. I was still achey but I knew I needed to get back in the game. I ended up taking the kick box class and I really pushed myself more than ever. I am seeing slight improvement there in how much I can do. When I got home Clint called me to firm up our date plans for Wednesday. He has upgraded it from a just coffee to dinner too. I think he likes me, then again he hasn't seen how fat I am yet, the pic I sent I am the same size but it looks good, not from a side angel. Ya ya I know I know me and my fat issues. He talked a bit about his divorce settlement and how he is resentful about how his wife would never work even when the kids were all grown, his youngest is 21! She also got a lot of financial support in the divorce and the house and the rental house. I can't help but feel a little resentful when I hear of all these big settlements women get. Oh and he had to pay for BOTH lawyers and she left him for a 25 yr old because he was on the road working so much! It boggles my mind, it really does. After he hung up I got a call from another Mary friend of mine who just got diagnosed with breast cancer, she is a nurse and she heard about Reiki at the hospital so I am going to give her a treatment and see how it works for her. She is skeptical but she wants to try it. I am praying very hard to the angels to assist me with this she needs a healing for sure she is single and has kids who still depend on her a great deal.

Tuesday driving to work Randy was on my mind, I had gotten a text late the night before and thought it was him and was disappointed when it was not. I prayed dear angels to show him, to at least help him to understand WHY I left him in the past and now. I said I do not want him anymore but I wish he could see from  my side, so he understands. It seemed the answer that came was he knows, he just hardened his heart and he chooses to not care. Ok then please help me to keep him from my mind I asked. When I got to work I made a quick phone call to my bank to verify that the township can take over the mortgage and I told them I received the insurance check also. I have to send it back to them, I can not cash it but I asked if I could have it back when the township assumes the mortgage. Its not much money but it would sure help, they were not sure.My friend never ended up coming for Reiki due to the traffic, which gave me plenty of time to get some chores done around the house and to think..........probably to think too much......

I kept thinking about Randy and it frustrated me on how he doesn't seem to understand why I am leaving him.. AGAIN.....it bugged me all evening and in the end I called Mary. I asked her do you think he really doesn't get it? She said that we have always known that he has the mind of a 12 yr old and he thinks that is a good way to live his life and that you should just accept that. But it's not fair to you to have to raise another child she said, nope nope I said I pretty much decided that I am better off alone than with him. She said its a sad thing because he and I are soul mates and we belong together but he is going to have to spend this life alone and come back and try and do it right in his next life, he just isn't willing to change and grow up and heal. I went to sleep feeling good about the decision I made and also deciding to not worry if he gets it or not, thats my Karma not his.

Wednesday I was encouraging my friend Wendy to do some of her classes on Skype and she told me that she truly wants to but finding the time is so very difficult. I told her that I often pray for time. I told her that when I pray for time it's almost like the clock stops ticking just for me. I truly have experienced this, i encourage anyone to try it. I too never used to be able to find the time to do the things I wanted to do but I do now. All we have to be is willing to change a little.......and then I made up the following quote:
When the Spirit is willing the flesh can be manipulated! ~cassie 2012~

Its true too! I made some changes to my abundance vision board, I added the weight loss, husband and money mantras and decided to take down the post-it for the Vermont cabin. I really only wanted a Vermont cabin for Randy anyway, and just for good measure I took down the stuffed moose I had gotten on one of my trips up there. Time to change my energies and my life!

After work I got ready and went to meet Clint for our date. He arrived right on time and greeted me with a big hug. I noticed he had his blue tooth on his ear and commented on it, he said oh I hope you don't mind I have to take a couple calls. I don't mind I told him. He was very nice and he paid for the meal, he wasn't really floating my boat but he wasn't unattractive either, he could grow on me I thought. I hoped.... I like most the eyes and the hands, well his eyes were un-remarkable, no depth there and his hands were chubby, like they belonged wrapped around the handle of a beer stein.........still he was such a nice guy and we matched on so many levels... He did end up turning the phone off too. But what bugged me was the date only lasted an hour and a half! I am used to first dates turning into long talking sessions when there is a spark, then again we really didn't have a spark he hadn't asked much about me and seemed disinterested about my Reiki and spiritual stuff like he didn't belive in it. He hugged me and kissed me good night on the cheek and told me he would call me and e-mail me and we could meet again........I wasn't sure I wanted to but I said ok sounds good. Since we met at 4:30 and the date was over by 6pm I went shopping before heading home. I kept telling myself that I need to try harder to like him, then just before the drawbridge a truck pulled in front of me.......a pick up truck with Vermont plates! Stop it I yelled to the universe.

Thursday I ended up telling Clint that I thought it was going to be very difficult for me to tolerate his busy work schedule even though I understood he had no control over it. I told him I would be willing to go out as friends, dutch treat of course. He said he isn't always this busy but ok as long as I could deal with it and perhaps he could meet one of my friends and it would work out. I told him sure come Sunday to game day or next week to the Super Bowl Party I think he was happier about not having to pay for my meals if we go out more than anything, I could be wrong but money seems to be a big focus with him, if he knew the size of my credit card dept he'd faint. LOL Around lunchtime I finally broke down and texted Randy to see how his trip was. Ya ya ya I can hear your collective groans out there, but I did promise to stay his friend. He texted back that the sled broke, cost $500 to fix and he got sick and came home Tuesday. Sorry to hear that I replied, maybe it will go better this weekend. I then asked him about where can I get wiper blades (mine was broken) and if he'd come over and put the new ones one. He told me two places, and said sure he'd come over. I stopped on the way to the gym and texted him right away, hoping he might even stop over that night, or the next day as I was working from home....he never replied.... That night I prayed to God to help me, help my sons and even Randy too.....

Friday morning bright and early Jeremy called me to ask was I working in the office that day. No it's friday I told him. He said he needed to get out of Flemington that there was some trouble up there.  I told him I had to work and he needed to get a ride, in the end though I had to take a 1/2 day off work and drove halfway to get him at the mall up there. He's got a mind to make some changes though, said he needs to fix up his life, needs to see a doctor and take care of this anxiety once and for all, wants to start reading more, wants to get a job now instead of waiting for schooling. I felt hopeful that he was growing up some more. I also told him that he probably is an indigo child and that is why he's so troubled, that if he could get in touch with his god and remember why he was brought here he's be so much happier. He listened to me some....We went to the library and he got a book on inport/export for dummines, I got some more books on CD and while I was in the dollar store he put my new wiper blade on, 5 minutes later my phone went drrrooooidddd. It was Randy asking if I had gotten the wiper blades. Jeremy answered him and said yes, I texted you last night. I told Jeremy that I bet the universe blocked my text, it has a way of looking out for ya once you set your intention....Then when we got home I said I got them last night Jeremy came home today and he put them on for me. Ok that's great he said. Wierd that you never got my text I said, Yeah it sure is he said...well have a safe trip I sent and that was all...

Sometimes the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak, at those times all you have to do is pray to god and the angels and tell them you need some help, once you turn over that situation they WILL help you, even if you have some weak moments. All that is needed is a willing spirit. Randy he's not ready to love me because he's not willing to grow up, Clint he's not ready to love me because he's not willing to give up or slow down that pace to earn so much money, he lost his family over it why would he slow down for me? But that's ok, someone someday will come along and be willing to love me all the way through.......in the meantime I will continue to love me, and I will get by just fine...

What are you willing to do to make better changes in your life today????


With Love and in the Light, Cassie

 

 

 

1-23-12 Soul Direction

What matters is how quickly
you do what your soul directs.
Rumi ♥

1-23-12  Soul Direction

Friday night after work I went to get my free intuitive healing session that I won the night I went to the Hypnotism fair. What a treat that was! 90 minutes of massage, energy healing, aromatherapy and crystal work! She told me that my angles had come and done nearly all the work on me and that I really should start working with them more. I told her that I do Angel Card Readings but she said I really need to do more work with them and let them help me with my Reiki services. At the end of the session I handed her my business card and she said oh my you are THAT Cassie! I have been on your calendar and I want to post my stuff there. I felt very good about the whole thing and that I had begun the link to my new spiritual community that my Shaman had promised me about this time last year. I stopped and got groceries on the way home and then once I was home eating my dinner I realized that Randy never came to get the solar cell phone charger so I texted him. He ended up calling and we talked for a long time. He asked if I wanted to go to Vermont with him and I said you were supposed to give me some notice and I barely have heard from you so I made other plans, life goes on...... He just said oh so I rambled on and told him about Clint.....and even bigger Oh. I assured him I would keep my promise and stay his friend but I just needed a man who wanted to be with me I told him. Oh was the most he could say, that and were ya happy that I fixed your air cleaner? He says he did it telepathically. I told him I did not belive him and if that were true to come give me a back rub as well because I pulled a muscle. LOL

Saturday I woke up and my cat was sleeping on the foot of my bed, made me wonder if Randy had anything to do with that. I had told him that I was dissapointed that my new cat was not being cuddly like I thought he was going to be. I refrained from texting to ask and tried to think more about Clint, who hadn't written me back since I spoke to Randy. Darn I hope I did not mess up my focus I thought to myself. There was a layer of snow all over and I was glad that I had backed out of the dance for this night but I still had to get out to the post office because I had sold two things on E-bay, the winter men's base layer that Columbia had given to me for advertising for them in my meetup. Two guys came and offered to do my drive and walk for $20 so I went for it, I could have gone out and got it done eventually myself but they looked like they could use the money. Then I got a call from my friend Ray from  True Path Readings, I had scheduled a reading and I needed one to re-group for the new year. It really helped me a great deal, he said that I can and will have abundance finacially but I need to take small steps to get there, I need to show more gratitude for what I have in my life now and that also means by not worrying about the future. He said he saw no romance in the next few months but he saw a young man who would come for a short time to teach me some things and he saw an older female also coming in later on to teach me some things and to help me learn to earn money slowly. He cautined me very much also about focusing on ONE thing at a time and to be careful where I put my energy as I was very powerfu. I told him I sometimes feel like a bull in a china shop with my energy and I so easily make things go away and come back and stuff. I promised to work on it.
By evening I hadn't heard from Clint and I got a little worried that my talking and thinking about Randy had perhaps shifted him away, well I am the master of my fate I am going to fix that! So I wrote to him and we had a few exchanges and I was hoping he would call but he said he was sick so I told him to get some rest before his flight home the next day. I was feeling just a tiny bit lonely home alone on a saturday night and then my phone rang, it was Randy, he was driving all alone with his snowmobile up to Vermont. Why don't you head up here he said? No I told you no I told you I have an event and I told you I am working on dating someone new so going away with you isn't part of the plan anymore. We ended up talking for over 4 hours though, about stuff, about him being so lonely, and somehow we got back on the topic of our past relationship. I am not even going to re-iterate it all again, its so tiresome. He did tell me though that part of my problem was I wasn't greatful enough and I was too impaitent, that things would have grown over time, he said he thinks he is my soulmate too but I rushed things too much. I know that I did make quite a few mistakes with that relationship, I did want too much too quickly, but all I really wanted for was for him to grow up just a little bit to be more responsible and less selfish and not want to leae me alone so much while he went to play. But I was coming from a great place of such deep need back then. I did tell him that I had thought he was my soulmate because he has powers (he did tell my cat to get in my bed and cuddle with me) and because he and I dreams dreams together and I thought he was the one I was meant to marry because Mary kept telling me that but he chose them and so be it. He again said I forced that on him, the situation with them because I left such a hole in his life when I left that he filled it any way he could but I stopped him. I am not going to rehash the past anymore I am moving forward towards my future........ I thought he got the point......I think I was wrong.....


Sunday morning he texted me before heading out to show me the temperature up there, so I sent back a be safe and have fun, text me when u get in tonight so I know u r safe....ok honey he replied......UGH!.....and CALL "the wife" and be sure and bring he a present you have to make what you have work.....anything else dear? Now I was annoyed so I said yeah use your powers to help me with Clint, I need a partner too. Sure will sweetie he said..........Oy Vey! Ok Thanks my friend, be well I sent back. I thought he would be done then and going out to ride but no he sent I MISS YOU....well he had obviously ingnored my 20 mintue dissertaion last night on don't miss me I don't miss you anymore. I decided to just ignore him so he'd go away.....No he sent one more, Let's have phone sex tonight he sent. Now I was mad, not only would he NOT do that when we were dating he was totally ignoring what I had said........my reply: Nah that's no fun. That shut him up. I colored my hair after that, took a shower and called my friend who is sick to give her a distance Reiki session over the phone. I am going to practice doing that more, sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't, I am going to call in the angels and get them to assist me. I only had time for a quick 15 minute session but she said she felt good and I told her to sleep now for a bit. I hung up and headed out to my Karaoke event.

Karaoke was loads of fun again even though I did not sing. First one guy was sad and not feeling well so we talked, he has been having some problems on the dating sites and how people have been reacting badly to him. He's such a catch too, a doctor, a wonderful personality, lots of fun....it was hard to see him down. I listened to his stories from the dating site and told him it's not him it's them, he cheered up as he sang and the day went on. Several of my old friends from past karaoke events came too, it was sooooo good to see them. My friend Denise came with her husband, it was so inspiring to see them together he is so kind and loving to her and they both love Karaoke. I want to find a man who shares a hobby or two with me. It doesn't have to be all of the but something ya know? When I got home I had not heard from Clint all day and I worried that my talking to Randy had given the wrong message to the universe so I sent him a note to check on him, he was still sick he said so I told him I would say some prayers for him and to get some rest. That night I did not hear from Randy to know if he came home from sledding safe, I resisted texting to check too. He is not my concern or my responsibility I need to not check on him. I went to bed and felt ok with that choice. The next morning Clint e-mailed me bright and early saying thanks for the prayers and he was feeling much better. Yep time for me to put a little focus on this and see how it goes... I also heard from my bank saying they recieved notice to discuss my mortgage with the towships lawyer, apparently my saying prayers and focusing on the house a bit helped. Ray was right, one step at a time, focus focus focus.... I need to unload this house as my first step and my second step is to work on earning more money so that I can pay off these credit cards. I am going to put my focus on getting Reiki clients and the other stuff on the back burner for now..... I have some direction now I know where to head...

Today I want you to take some quie time and listen to your soul, in your heart you know where you should be heading. Why be stubborn and put it off? Or afraid to make a move? All that you need do in any given moment is take one baby step in the right direction.....

With Love and in the Light, Cassie

1-20-12 Solar Flares

1-20-12  Solar Flares

Monday after work I stopped to visit my Hospice client, she as usual was in-coherent, this assignment truly is a challenge, if it were someone I had known and could talk to it may be different but as it is I am just trying to communicate with someone whom communication is not possible any more. But I will keep going until I am re-assigned. I did give her a bit of Reiki while there. When I got home I talked to my new roommate for a bit then made some dinner and some cookies. I also had chat in the singles group, I find it rather boring but the people like it. I had also posted a CL ad and was answering the 100 e-mails I had gotten, if I came up with one good one out of all that it would be a miracle... I got my assortment of 70 yr olds pretending to be 50 something, my 20 yr olds trying to convince me how much they like older women, the downright scary looking, the really super foreign looking ones, the penis pictures, and the ones who refuse to send a picture before they see mine (this means they are married and afraid of getting caught) But I did find ONE that was worth continuing to write to, a transplant from Texas 6 months ago, divorced a year and a half from a 26 yrs long marriage....a real southern gentleman too! We e-mailed back and forth all day and into the evening...

Tuesday we contined to write to each other and towards the end of my work day he said that I could call him later if I wanted to or he'd call me, the guy is supposed to do the calling right he said? Wow I was impressed and sent him my number but cautioned that I would be at the gym part of the night and he had cautioned that he had to go out and check on the guys on his crew. He is away working in Chicago this week and supervisor of some contruction company. He said this is the reason for his divorce that his wife got lonely and found a boyfriend. He never ended up calling, the e-mail he sent me when he got in was pretty late but he asked me to meet him for coffee the following week when he is back in Jersey. We continued to e-mail all day wednesday as well and decided that we want to go to Work Out World together, and he said once we get to know each other better we can work out together after work and then I can go to his place and he will cook me dinner. Wow I thought and told him that was great because a man who can cook is in my top 10 list for sure! I told him that I do the dishes though. This was way better than Randy I thought, he never cooked except of the occasional breakfast which was frozen pancakes and sausages, most of the time I had to buy dinner for both of us and do all the dishes too! He'd leave dishes all over the house too when I was back at my house because he knew that I would pick them up.... but anyway.

I had asked Clint if he liked to bike ride and he said that he did not have a bike but he liked to golf.....my reply to that was ok then I will go bike riding when you are golfing with your buddies! He wrote back and said he was thinking about getting a bike this spring. LOL  I like a guy who will fit in with my plans some but I hope he is not too accomodating for me, then again when it comes to men they only get worse so it's not such a bad thing to have one who tries to please you in the begining..that generally dies real quick once you settle in for the long haul.  That evening I was supposed to either go meet Mary for dinner or go to a Reiki healing share. I didn't end up making it to either as I didn't feel well, nauseous and dizzy, wondering if it was something I ate? The food doesnt get eaten with Jeremy away...... He did stop over as his new bank card arrived. He had been out for the day with Alex and his family looking at Yaughts (must be nice to have money) but it was good to see him, he went and got me $100 of it since he hadn't paid me any thing in so long. I was happy to be able to pay the gas bill! He also apologized for getting Dustin stirred up over that time a couple summers ago when Jeremy stole my car. That holy roller bible thumping judgmental son of my mine has NO idea the life I have lead or what's in my heart or why I do the things I have done or how I have done all I can to help Jeremy. But oh well let him be mad and let him judge me, one day he will know who I really am and he will love and respect an honor me as a child should his parent. My only prayer is that I don't have to wait till my death bed to see that day......or worse that he doesn't see it till he goes to the other side and has that clarity that comes only when you have been removed of all the negative human being crap. All I can do is pray for him, I guess I should remember to pray for him more. I spend so much time praying for Jeremy because of his troubles, and Dustin  well he never gave me any trouble. Always a good boy, never complained much, graduated and went right off to the Military. But I know that he is sad and he is lonely and deep deep down he just wants his mom to hug him. He had it the worst he did, I was only 23 when I had him and oh well here I am going off on a tangent again...... LOL  You get the point. It's hard to loosen up and love sometimes.......

Thursday the e-mails with Clint kept going on we talked about what we wanted most in a person and we also talked about our pet peeves. It all was working out so great, we both said that we really hope the "chemistry" is there when we meet. Thursday after work I was supposed to have a meeting with my trainer but my back had been hurting for 24 hrs straight and I had gotten little sleep the night before so I called to postpone another week. This is what hurts me, I try so hard to get on an exerscise routine but then I get sick or hurt. But I will go back, I have to go back, I paid for this! When I got home my roomate in the basement had brought his brother in law over and he wanted to rent the futon out for the same price so I let him. I havent gotten enough people for any of my workshops to need to use the basement and I haven't had any Reiki clients either and I have bills to pay. Once I checked him in I went into my room to see if I could get my air cleaner to work. I had cleaned it the day before and it didn't work so I let it dry out some more, now not even the red light was coming on, NO lights were coming on! I debated with myself again on weather I was just going to put the darn thing away or if I was going to text Randy to come fix it. When I told Clint one thing I loved about a man is if he can fix things and he said he can fix anything except electrical stuff. And Randy had said he would come fix it if there were problems as he had gotten a re-furbished one off e-bay. I wanted to ask him but I didn't want to jix the chances I had with Clint by talking to Randy, what to do what to do I thought to myself. Right at that moment my phone whent drrrooooiiiiiiidddddd.....

Did you guess who it was? Yup Randy. It said Hi.....I replied: wow I was just thinking about you, my air cleaner stopped working....I can fix it he sent back.....good I said, then he asked me a few questions about it and he said yep that happened to mine I can fix it.....I am working from home tommorow if you can stop by that would be great as my nose is all stuffy again.......he replied: I gotta work on my sled, heading to VT , nobody wants to go with me. So that was it I thought, I had told him I would go with him, I told him I even had some vacation time to use and I told him I needed a little advance notice as well so that I can arrange things. But no he waited and asked everyone else hoping they'd go and only asked me when he found out none of the boys could go and play. I replied sorry I can't go with you I have an event scheduled, and it was the truth too, I had left this weekend open knowing it was the start of his vacation week untill sunday. But we had so much fun at Karaoke that I had scheduled another one, and by gosh I knew I would have more fun there than waiting in a hotel room for him. He had nothing left to say and neither did I. 

Later that night Clint called me on the phone for the very first time, and it went quite well, we had much to talk about and thought alike on nearly everything, well except for his love not only of playing golf but watching it on TV! But that's kewl, it's good for men to have something to keep them busy when we women want to go shopping or something. LOL We also discovered not only does he live near me, that his office is even closer! Over near the area of The Starland Ballroom and when I asked him if he wanted to go to the concert he was very enthusiastic about it! We talked a very long time and firmed up a little our plan to meet for coffee when he gets back in town, we penciled in Wednesday.... I went to sleep that night feeling much better mentally (if not physically) and with the slightest bit of hope....

Friday morning there were posts on my facebook talking about how many of us are "feeling the shift" and have had flu like symptoms, body ahces and pains and the like. They said that over the weekend the flares would be at thier strongest, I was glad that I had that free energy healing session scheduled for Friday night, God had provided that for me at just the right time! Here is what they said:

"IMPORTANT ALERT: The sun has erupted with an M Class SOLAR FLARE that is Earth... Facing & due to impact this weekend. Now what was it I was saying yesterday about this weekend being a whole lot brighter! Scientists tell us that solar flares & CME's do NOT affect Humans & only impact on radio waves due to the solar radiation extra charging the Ionosphere which surrounds & protects Earth. But, from my personal experience, if you are a sensitive, in the days prior to, during & after a big flare we do get headachy, tired, run down, confused & all of those little hurts within us rise to the surface to be let go of." Elizabeth Peru © 2012 Please see COMMENTS for more on this topic.
  New Beginnings was the angel-card-of-the-day-2012 something was indeed going on! Not only  that but when I put my phone on the charger when I woke up at 6:30 am it had automatically called Clint! When I wote to apologize to him he said see your phone likes me maybe it's a sign..... I told him I do belive in signs and though nervously to myself I wonder how he's going to handle all this spriritual stuff about me..that was one of the big draws about Randy... what to do about him.... When I went in to make my bed later in the morning I tried the air cleaner again and it came on! Wow I thought! Now there also is a sign! I texted to tell  him not to worry about coming over that it was working again, he replied that he had come and fixed it (meaning via astral travel) I know he can astral travel but I know nothing of if they can manipulate physical reality in that state, I am thinking no.....but just for good measure and because I do and will always care for him I told him to have a safe trip and I would watch over him. I then added do you want to borrow my solar cell phone charger, I always have visions of him being stranded on the trail (because he always talks about how that could happen). He said OK so I said come get it and be sure to keep it on your sled. What can I say I do and will always care about him......I am just hoping that I can love someone who is going to love me back and be in my day to day life in a way that Randy just doesn't want to be.....
There was also a video on my facebook page about  The Shift and

Yes there are many changes going on in my life right now. Jeremy sorting his life out, my body and inner spirit changes. Also some changes in my social friends, my buddy Anthony left my meetup and joined a new one and now he and Victor my old business partner are planning an Improv workshop in a new meetup. I posted and I wished them well and encourged the others to go with the utmost sincerity. I had some fun doing that but its really not something I love to do. And while I care about both of these guys they just don't seem to belong in my life, not at this time anyway. That is ok.....I am content with my present and who and what is showing up here now today. I even let go, at least for a bit my money worries, and my annoyance at people using my hard work to promote thier events and make money and not share with me. God will suppy for me not them. I am ready of the solar flares the shift of what is coming and I am so excited!

Today prepare yourself for the changes that are coming and embrace them with peace and contentment.....all is as it should be.......and all will be well and in everyday and in every way you are getting better and better......



With Love and in the Light, Cassie

There once was a woman who woke up one morning, looked in the mirror, and noticed she had only three hairs on her head. "Well," she said, "I think I'll braid my hair today." So she did and she had a wonderful day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and saw that she had only two hairs on her head. "Hmmm..," she said, "I think I'll part my hair down the middle today." So she did and she had a grand day.
The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that she had only one hair on her head. "Well," she said, "Today I'm going to wear my hair in a pony tail." So she did, and she had a fun, fun day.
The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that there wasn't a single hair on her head. "YAY!" she exclaimed. "I don't have to fix my hair today!"
Author Unknown


RIP ETTA JONES   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fbtWBZMtCDU

1-16-12 Dancing Through the Rain

Don't run away from grief , o soul
Look for the remedy inside the pain.
because the rose came from the thorn
and the ruby came from a stone.
Rumi ♥

1-16-12   Dancing Through the Rain

Friday after work I went to the gym, I only stayed 40 minutes though and didn't push myself too hard because I still was having minor chest pains and when I started to work out I could feel my blood pressure rising and my ears thumping. I did a few things and not too hard and headed home. I had plenty of time though so I went and sat in my car down by the bulkhead and looked out at the water. On either side of me were guys in big trucks sitting there eating their dinners, all alone. One guy was older, perhaps a widower, the other guy was very large, like over 300 lbs large. And there I was sitting between them...it made me feel sad. Sad to be alone, sad to still be single, sad that the only real boyfriend I've had since my divorce 15 yrs ago was probably home drinking with 17 and 18 yr olds and that's where he preferred to be other than with me. Where are all the grown men at I wondered to the universe? The powers that be had no answers as I gazed across the bay to the NYC skyline.....the world is full of people, more people than ever, and yet most of us are more alone than any other time in history.....and more of us wear our loneliness like a thorn in our sides...

Saturday morning I got a call from my credit card company. That wasn't fun, I had to explain why I only sent them a fraction of the amount that they wanted me to send and that no I really couldn't send more this month and no not next month either and probably not for a long time. They transferred me over to someone else, to whom I had to once again explain my sorry tale about the contract to buy my house and it falling through etc etc etc. Turns out my credit rating is still too good for him to be able to help me, call back next month he said, maybe I can get your payments lowered then he told me. I headed out to the Alchemy of Attraction Seminar we were having and that got my mind off my dept. When I have problems I just go help others and soon enough my solution comes. It was a good event, only 5 people, and Joe couldn't make it but I think we did some good for those people. One woman though made me sad, she said she's been divorced since 92 (5 years longer than me) and she asked them how she could still have hope, she's tried everything, taken self help things, really worked on healing and growing. I felt the same way she did, and I had no good answer for her other than keep the faith. The seminar teachers just told her to keep loving and working on herself.  I wish they had a better answer for her because I needed one myself. That and the statistic he quoted how women will date a man who's a bit overweight but most men will not, they take a very underweight woman first. I will never be that.....even just getting to a normal weight is going to take lots of time and lots of work...UGH
After the workshop I headed home, stopped for cat food and gas and tried to figure out what I wanted to do that night. I knew what I wanted to do, stay home and cuddle up with someone who loves me with a pizza and a good movie. I did not have that. I had posted to one meetup that I might pop in, and I do like those people, and one friend had also texted me saying he was throwing together a last minute thing. I decided to take a nap and see how I felt later. I sent out an SOS to my spiritual friends to send me some good energy as I was feeling so down.... When I woke I decided that I was just going to stay home and have singles chat, it was so very cold out and I knew there would be others home for various reasons and I was right. While chatting I read a reply from my new friend Lynn who is a wonderful Reiki master, this is what she had to say to me and it gave me comfort:
hey, just did a little work on you. Archangel Michael is w/you. help is there for the asking.
also ... rebirth can come with chaos and drama. stay connected to your inner truth. chaos can deliver degrading messages, thoughts and feelings that are not true. notice them, and also notice that they are not speaking on behalf of your truth or God's.
Like birth, rebirth is a crying screaming mess of a blessed event. you are worth it!

So that was it! I was re-birthing. This pain, this sadness, this depression, probably even my chest pains was just a result of me changing. When I decided that Randy was not the one for me I had made a very important step towards changing myself and my destiny (yes we write our destiny). I prayed to St Michael that night before going to sleep, just telling him my money and my loneliness concerns and went to sleep.

I woke up the next morning not feeling much better, it was one of those Dear God why am I still here days....but I put my feet on the floor and got started with my day anyway. I had a Karaoke event  that afternoon and was dismayed that my Cyntergy class at the gym got moved from 8:30am to 11:30am now. I decided to go anyway, so what if at Karaoke I was in my gym clothes and not so put together, who knew if anyone would even show anyway! So off to the gym and I stayed for the whole class (even if I can't do all the moves I go and do the best I can) then headed towards the diner. I noticed Randy's truck at Sears and wondered if he'd text to come see me later, I didn't feel that he would, I feel like he knows he's got to let me go now. I had an amazingly good time at Karaoke, and 4 people came. We had so much fun that I decided to schedule it again for the following Sunday. I sat there and I thought, this is one of the things that I like to do. It would be nice to find someone who shares this interest with me, and ahhh this is what they mean about learning to love and know myself first... I went home feeling darn good and posted the event for the following week. The I checked e-mails and responded to a question someone had asked in the Divorce Support Group, he liked my reply and said he was going to try it and that also made me feel really good, I feel I am really helping these people there in my small ways. I went to bed that night feeling better about me and my life, hopeful for the future, accepting of the present..

Monday this was a quote I found on my facebook:
 “Today I will commit myself to detachment. I will allow myself and those around me the freedom to be as they are. I will not rigidly impose my idea of how things should be. I will not force solutions on problems, thereby creating new problems. I will participate in everything with detachment involvement.”
Deepak Chopra~shared by Liora

Also someone posted  a Joke my Mom used to tell me when I was a kid : I had a dream once. I dreamed that i ate a giant marshmallow. I woke to find my pillow was gone. I think I fell for it to the first time I heard it LOL It made me feel like that was her way of letting me know that she's up there working on the problem....I always knew she and I would be better friends once she got to heaven and stripped off all that judgmental bull crap her religion taught her....


Today I want you to not give up hope, to not curse the darkness, to keep on dancing through the rain and the pain and keep going. It's not easy sometimes that's for sure, and some of us have paths that are more difficult than others. Like I posted to my son today to give him some encouragement: Sure it's going to be a hard climb up to the top of that mountain, but the good part is that once you get there, you won't be knocked back down as fast and as easy as someone who got a helicopter ride to the top......... So don't run from your rain, dance in it!!!!


With Love and in the Light, Cassie


I Made it Through the Rain

1-13-12 Like a Shepard

Be a lamp, or a lifeboat, or a ladder.
Help someone's soul heal.
Walk out of your house like a shepherd.
Rumi ♥

1-13-12  Like a Shepard

Monday after work I went to volunteer at hospice, I only stayed about a half hour because the patient said she had to go to the rest room and I am not allowed to take her. It's really hard for me to take my time and go when she pretty much is incoherent and can't communicate and I don't know if she knows I am even there, but I trust that the universe put me here with this patient for a reason. Sometimes volunteering isn't about the warm fuzzy feeling you get for doing good, sometimes its just about doing good. I did help the agency however as I noted that the volunteer before me wrote in the book that he had fed her dinner and we are not allowed to feed them either, its not safe for us to do so and we aren't liscenced. I texted my supervisor and let her know, she was very grateful. I headed towards home as I then a dinner meeting with Joe on how we can help people and make money doing it, but my roommate started texting me and arguing about leaving the key, got very belligerent with me, so I had to go home and deal with him. I then ended up cleaning the room and doing the laundry and was grateful that Joe got stuck in the city and we cancelled our meeting.

I sat down for a bit to check my e-mails and saw that someone wrote me and told me I had a typo in one of my posted events, instead of getting annoyed I just thanked her and said that I type so fast and sometimes so late in the night or early in the morning that I do make mistakes. The old me from a few years ago would have been annoyed but I wasn't. Ends up this woman was an English major preparing for a big exam on Saturday and she was nervous, she want's to become a teacher. So I thanked her and told her I would pray for her and that she was really good at her stuff! She was very grateful, I am glad that I reacted the way that I did.
I also noted a news story of a 10 year old boy who was playing with a gun and shot himself in my town, guess I don't live in Hunterdon county anymore!. All the more reason I need to be here so I can pray for these people and bring love and light here.

Wednesday after work I head to the Chiropractor then towards the gym, but the traffic was horrendous due to some utility work, plus I was having some chest pains, been having a little squeezing thing going on for a week or so now. I keep giving Reiki to my heart and shoving out my fears of heart attack, just because my mom had them does not mean I am going to have them. At any rate I decided to skip the gym, got my groceries and I headed home.When I arrived someone was at my front door, in the dark, and when I pulled in the drive he came over to me claiming to have a large sum of my money and he wanted a reward for it. I told him that I had not lost any money and he whips out the rent check I had mailed to my landlord. Again he demanded a reward and I said that I can just cancel it at my bank and he said that will cost me $25 wouldn't it be easier to give him a reward. I got him to give me the check and I went inside and told him to wait that I would bring a reward........and I called the cops on him. The officer said he was a local scam artist. I felt a little foolish calling the police over this but I wanted to send a loud and clear message to this guy so that he wouldn't do this to me again or anyone else. I texted Randy about it and he only sent me a couple of one word answers. Cest La vie, he's busy with his kids and I need to busy myself even more with my own life. There had been a quote on my page that day about once I knew who I was by beloved would come....

Thursday it was pouring rain all the way to work, it's days like this I am very discouraged to live so far from the office, it's days like this I want to look for something closer to home. But I love my supervisor so much he is the kindest and fairest boss I think I ever had. I went to an event that night on the way home and saw a friend of mine, we got to talking about divorce and the divorce group I am in now and I told him how I had not wanted to join, after having been divorced for 15 years I did not need any help but I said once I got there i realized that I could in fact help a lot of them! I had experiences to share, things to tell, stuff to talk about and encouragement to give. It dawned on me as I spoke to him the message that I had heard on the book on CD I am listening to currently The Seat of the Soul it was about finding a mate and sharing your life and it said that too many of us look for a partner who can give to us and we think little of what we can give to our partner. I realized that I had been focusing just a bit much on finding a man who can take care of me and will buy me a house. I will take care of him but still I need to not focus so strongly on what I need and more on what I wish to share. I reflected also on the altercation I had earlier in the week with one of my friends who I allow to post stuff and find people to come to his events, he posted something for someone else and wanted me to attend. I said I may if they can wave the $5 fee, he got indignant saying that I have a job and they do not have jobs and I should pay. I said that the free advertising I give them is worth hundreds of dollars. I left the event up but I declined to attend, not that I couldnt have givne the $5 and I may have once there but I truly do not want to associate with black holes anymore. I wish to give and to help others but I must also use wisdom. Its hard, daily prayer and guidance is necessary least you fall off the cliff yourself... But even a shephard while he looks over and cares for his sheep will keep the predators away...

Today I want you go not think of yourslef and go out and see what you can do and give and be for others......everyone needs something and no matter who you are or what you have you have something to give......someone to reach out to...someone to help........but beware of the predators too!


With Love and in the Light, Cassie

1-9-12 Focus on Today

The focus is only ever this moment, what is happening right now. Our bodies already know only this present time; they can’t know ‘yesterday’ or ‘tomorrow,’

1-9-12  Focus on Today

So Friday night I decided to blow off going out dancing and spending cover charge money I really couldn't afford and I went to the gym instead. They had a kick boxing class at 6 and then I shopped on the way home. I had planned to go to 5 below and get an air pump for my exercise ball and the gym was giving out free steps for exercising so I got one of those too, looks like I am slowly putting together my own home gym... I did the grocery shopping for my workshop the next day and then when I got home Randy came to fix the kitchen cabinet door for me on his way home from work, he also took a look at the leaking pipe in the basement and told me what I needed to get and said he'd come back for that. While he worked I listened to him talk, he loves when I listen to him talk. He did a lot of repeating of the stories of the fun he has playing with the kids and they were quite boring, I wondered how I had listened to him the first time? Then again I can listen to most any story when I am in that phase of post coital bliss. LOL I asked about what gifts he exchanged with the kids and the woman who lives there and asked him about when did they actually end up coming home on Christmas and how sad it was they left him alone and he said no he wasn't upset. I said you sure were when you called me Christmas eve, again he denied it so I let him believe whatever lie he had told himself. Sometimes we have to let people get by with that sort of thing...sometimes....this was one of those times.

Saturday was my Soulmate workshop day. I woke up early and had a long list of things to do, I got the really important ones done like getting ready for the day and posting two events up. I still did not get to the NYE videos or setting up my e-bay store. So much to do so little time! I prayed for more time, or rather to get more done it the time I have, I am convinced that proper time management is part of evolution since there is no time anywhere else but here on earth, our classroom. But anyway the workshop was wonderful, I only had two students, one my long term BFF as a part of her Christmas gift, and one paying student. So by the time I figured in the cost of my supplies and the snacks I brought I broke even. But I do believe that I helped my friends very much, one in particular seems so together but we did get to a deep hurt and I gave he instructions on how to heal it. Luckily the full moon was the very next day so she could spend the next 24 hrs writing down her homework and then offering it up all in one weekend! She said she was going to do exactly that. During the workshop when I was showing them my vision board and how to create one the little post it that said Always shows up when I need. Kept falling off and each time I stuck it back on visions of Randy fixing my cabinet door the night before so it wouldn't be hanging off its hinge for my workshop kept popping in my head. Stop it I muttered in my mind to whomever was still nagging me on him, I made up my mind I do not belong with him.

After the workshop my BFF Chris and I went to dinner, I asked where she wanted to go and she said pick a place that you have not gone but wanted to so we headed off to Nemo's, an Asian/Sushi place in town that has a lovely view of the bay. It was only 4:30 but I had skipped lunch. I ordered Lemon Grass Shrimp  and was astounded by how good it was and so reasonably priced! I hope I get asked on a date sometime I thought, I will have him bring me here. We talked about our life our work our kids, he daughter just left and she is so very happy to have a lower grocery bill, and a cleaner more peaceful house but she misses her too. This empty nest thing is such a dichotomy... Then we went to have coffee at Espresso Joe's, another place I have been wanting to check out.  She made us Mocha lattes to die for! Since she had such a long ride she headed home by 6 and I checked in home to collect the rent from my one roommate, left him a note and reminded him that he still has to look for a place and move out as soon as he can. Chris agreed that it was so wrong to expect Jeremy to have to share the basement with him and why would I even want to live with him anyway. You will find someone else or God will send you money another way she had told me and I know she is right.

I then prepared to head out for an event, the birthday celebration of one of the meetup organizers whom I like very much, she's such a sweet person. I got a text from Randy: Hi.....hey I sent back, whatcha doing he replied? Heading out to a party in Highlands I sent back. Ok that's nice he replied. I headed out and thought that was the end of it but I did to reply to him a few more times at red lights..... 50 people are going I sent back....wow he replied....then I sent: I hope you have a fun evening doing navy seal training with junior......he replied that no one was home. Ha I thought last night you blew me off servers you right....but instead I replied well then you have a chance for a nap, I am here now have a good evening.....U2 he sent back. I walked in the door and forgot that he existed..... It was nice to see the people I already knew and I met some new ones as well! I got talking to some people and was telling two women about my attract your soulmate workshop and they had some dating questions. I swear need to write a dating 101 class also! You can teach what you are still learning I am told this again and again! LOL We settled in and ordered drinks, I don't normally drink but I decided to splurge and get a glass of sangria, it was yummy. After a bit we got hungry and decided to split a pizza, I worried about the money but I was hungry. So we talked more and she ended up telling me that she can heal people, she said I have no idea why I just told you that but I felt that I could. So I told her that I was a Reiki master and I can heal people too and do much more and she must be awfully powerful if she can do this with NO training or understanding and I encouraged her to take the Reiki classes. Shortly after that a guy I know from the groups came in to greet me and joined in the three of us and asked for a slice of our pizza, we shared and he ended up paying for the whole pie AND ordered all three of us another drink and insisted on paying! I was impressed, I had been telling the girls that I need to attract a man who pays for me when we go out, and told them of how with Randy I had to pay for HIM. No more of that for me, God created men to take care of and provide for us, the same as he created us to nurture and care for them. Anyway before we left my new friend asked me if I would put the palm of my hand on hers, she said I don't know why but I feel compelled to ask you to do this. I said sure and told her that lightworkers often share energy with one another in this way. She was all excited about the tingle of energy we shared so I told her I am thinking of doing a Reiki share like once a month with the lightworkers I meet she loved that idea. Another thing to add to my ever growing to-do list!

Sunday was Yoga and then divorce support group dinner. We had 4 students for the Yoga and were glad, I talked to Nancy about continuing to charge only $10 and she agreed with me that while others charge more it's better to get it out to MORE people than it is to make a lot of money, we may have only gotten $20 each for our time and gas money but the opportunity to GIVE also had much value. I was reminded on the way over there of the ever present saying: Do what you love and the money will follow. It is so true. I had to remember this more than ever because I got a text message from Domenic that he was moving out the next day and wanted a re-fund of the days not used. Ugh! But my son's peace of mind in whom he had to share that space with is important, I must trust God to provide a better roomate, and to one day supply the income so that I do not need to rent out that space.

After the class I went to a diner to meet up some people from the divorce support group. Wow, just wow. Some of the people are so focused on their pain they can't think straight to navigate their way through this divorce process. This is the first time I did a small dinner with that group and the whole conversation was about the trials and tribulations of the divorce process. Since I have been divorced now for 15 years all of that is a distant memory, however I did have some things to contribute to the conversation. I was very very glad to have been able to say a thing or two that would help them. It got me to thinking that I really need to do more of those Heal Your Heart workshops. These people need this, they need so many things, I need to help them and share with them what I have learned and am still learning. I am going to stick to my keep it affordable for the masses plan too, for my soulmate work shop I charge half of what I had paid for to take the same class and I then in supplies and snacks too! But my primary focus was on helping those who came, in the moment that they came, and who came that day... I am learning, deal with who and what shows up..... There was an e-mail from Randy when I got home later that night, he said thanks for the info for something I had sent him and that he missed me. I couldn't in that particular moment say that I missed him, so I didn't. I just wrote and told him about my fun weekend and wished him well......

Monday my card of the day was Focus and I realize again how much I need to live in the moment, with the people who are in that moment and I also need to focus my thoughts and my energy very very wisely. My primary goal is to help others, my secondary goal is to earn a descent living. So in the car that morning driving to work as I said my mantras again, calling on the angels to assist me, I told them that dollar amount I put for how much I want to earn was a suggestion, that I trusted divine guidance to know how much I really need.... So my bank account is shrinking, but all the bills are paid that were due as of this date. I know how I want to serve, the angels can take care of the monetary details.........I've got more important things to think about!

Today what are you focusing on? How can you fine tune that?..........

With Love and in the Light,   Cassie

1-6-12 The Right Fit

1-6-12  The Right Fit

Monday afternoon I waited for Randy while I did chores and got caught up on internet work I had to do. I thought of texting to see if he was coming but I didn't feel like doing so. I said a prayer to give that up to God and asked for some guidance, I said give me a date to read, meaning a date from an older blog to reflect on, it came to me to read March 21st the answer was clear, he doesn't want to play with me, he has his own pursuits as I do mine. This has always been the crux of our problems, I still on this day didn't know if I wanted to share my life with a man who shares none of my hobbies and I none of his, and man who wants to run off and play with the boys so very much. I decided to re-think my day and was folding the laundry convincing myself it was best to forget him, that he hadn't even texted me to wish me a happy new year yet when my phone when drrooooiddddd. It was him, he said happy new year, I miss you....I thought we had a date today I said, I got up, showered put on make up and been ready for you since 10m (it was nearly 2 then) he said I come over now....I decided to say OK even though by then my heart wasn't in it.

He came right over and I said are we going somewhere first or pokey first? He didn't say anything and so I said OK pokey first.... We were laying there after talking about a bunch of stuff and I asked about his new years and he went on about how much fun he had with the kids and their friends. I told him about my party and how I met a friends husband who can astral travel like he does and I asked him if he had any visions lately and he said yes yes as a matter of fact I did a week or two ago. He said he was standing in his house he has now, with his junior (the older kid that he likes) and it was all re-done inside, bigger rooms, wider hallways. hardwood floors he said it was just how he had said he hoped to make it look someday. I asked who lived there with him, was she there? No he said. Was the younger kid there? No he said. Just me and the junior and he kept asking me was I happy, is this what I wanted, is this how I wanted it to be. He noticed the change in me right away, the blow hit me hard.....and finally I said that must be your future, because you saw my future, you knew I was going to end up in this house here you saw it, me in this little house, temporarily....maybe he said. But I was not in it I told him. He said nooooooo noooooo that's not what it meant. Shortly after that his phone started buzzing, it was the junior looking for him. He had complained that he couldn't find anyone to go skiing with him and that he didn't have the money to spend on junior and his friends, because junior  would not go with him unless he could bring a friend. I just rolled my eyes and told him he better get home. He looked real sheepish as he left, saying you look mad. No I am not mad I told him and I wasn't........just disappointed.....i oughtta be used to that by now....

After he left I tried to call Mary my spiritual adviser but got no answer so I called my gal pal that I have known for a very very long time. She has some psychic powers of her own so I asked her did she think it was the spirits trying to ask Randy to look and see if he was going to be happy in his future with just that kid? She said I don't know but I think it's totally time for you to quit hoping he's going to be the man you want him to be, he never was and he doesn't want to be, in fact he's getting worse she said! I knew she was right, I knew even if I got him back I probably would not be happy, when I had mentioned that I was sad he spent new years with the kids and not me he said when we spent new years together i was sad with him. I wasn't sad but I was bored I recalled, and so was he. Chris said I need a man that I have as much fun with as I used to have with Victor. I thought about that, what a true companionship he and I used to have..but he wasn't a tiny shred bit attracted to me, he does not like larger women and I never fauled him for that. I asked her did she think I could find a man with whom I could be as sexually compatible with as I was with Randy and have the companionship that I had with Victor? Absolutely she said! I texted Randy and said, I forgot to ask you, in that house with just junior in your future, were you happy? He didn't reply at first so I sent it again, finally he replied Yes. I replied that well at least now we know how it's going to go, I can give up on that dream that I had for us. His reply was oh ha ha yer funny. I had nothing else to say.... I had said I wanted to let go of the whole mate thing and let God do his work, I had to keep that promise I had made to myself.... Loving someone means allowing them to be exactly who they want to be.....and I woke up to this message Tuesday:

 

I am tired of the pain, I want to take off these Randy shoes!  They just do not fit me!

I called my buddy Mike on Tuesday and asked his help on this one. He said that the only thing for me to do way to get myself out there and start dating seriously and stop thinking about Randy so much. He is right on that point. He also told me that I need to dress up more. I have to think about that one, I DO dress up put on make up and dress fashionably when I got out. I do not wear a lot of jewelry or heels or skirts however. I do know that the women who do get more attention though. He also mentioned a mutual female friend and how she just can't keep a man.  She went on a big diet and she lost a lot of weight and she looks amazing....however she didn't work on the INSIDE of herself. Not that she isn't a pretty nice person, she's a bit brash and harsh and loud, then again there maybe men that like that, who are we to say? There is a glove for every hand so they say....
Wednesday I woke up from a very intense dream where I was married to an old co-worker friend. It was showing me how things were and sort of like asking me if I was happy that way. He was a nice friend, and he took care of me thats for sure, I liked that about him and I want that in a man. We had a good social life too in the dream but there wasn't any passion. In the dream I talked to him about that and he said that I needed to be more agressive to him and initiate sex. Thats about the time I woke up. I am still pondering this one, I have been told that I am too standoffish with guys, that I need to flirt a little more. I confess all the men I have dated are ones who came on strong to me with just a hint of encouragement. I like it like that. Then again, I have looked back years later on some and realized that some guys I knew really had been into me and I had been oblivious to it.  Oh well. I am going to try and pay a bit more attention and be a bit more friendly when I go out to events, once I know a guy I can be as agressive as he is but no one knows that when they just meet me. Guess I got a bunch of  dating to start doing, better polish up the ole personal ad! LOL Wednesday night I went to my friend Jame's World Hypnotism Day event. It was very very informitive! I want to be a hypnotist now! LOL I have been inspired to give myself the following two suggestions every night before I got to sleep:

I am getting thinner and stronger and healthier every day
I am married to my perfect mate our life is rich and filled with love.
I earn all the money I need with ease and I help others


Thursday at work we all went out to lunch and my one annoying co-worker while we were all walking to the cars he asked had I made a new years resolution to get him in trouble? I said no why and he said my boss had called him up and yelled at him to get something done. I had actaully asked my boss to get what I needed from him because we had all asked many times. This guy's been with the company for nearly 35 years, he's been shuffled from group to group to group when he doesn't get along with others. He never seems to fit for very long, only a few years. But thats the good thing about J&J, they are like the Catholic church, no one ever gets fired only re-assigned! LOL  That night I came home and Jeremy was packing up and getting ready to leave and go to Flemington to stay at Alexe's for awhile, he was very very upset and told me that he would not be coming back untill I got rid of my roomate. The boys then went on to tell me stories of how much "activity" had gone on behind the curting where they were sitting and how sick and perverted and awful, not to mention the smell despite all the air fresheners and incence. I was talking to him and telling him I would handle it when the roomate came home. So I just told him while I had my courage up. He of course denied it, and I had told him before not to do that when my son was down there and to ask for some privacy. But it seems an hour isnt enough he does this for hours on end! I talked to Randy and he said it would be hard for me to get a new roomate and this dude was harmless but the more I thought about it I realize this is just NOT a good fit for him or for us. He needs a more private place to live, I can see why his parents kicked him out! He has a right to be whomever he wants to be but he needs to find a place where he fits, that place is not my home! (even though he did get up and washed himself good the next morning i had to clean my tub before i could take a shower!) ugh!

Friday was a work from home day, getting tons of stuff done, I did enjoy the peace with Jeremy gone and I cleaned up to prepare for my attract your soulmate workshop. I hope to help everyone learn how to attract thier soulmate, part of that is working on being the right person to attract the type of person that you want! I mean I may want a pair of strappy heels but if my feet are fat and bloated and I don't have a pedicure they aren't going to look very good on me are they?? Then again I do prefer my flip flops or my uggs, but I digress...

Today I want you to try a few new situations on for size. And maybe take a look at your relationships too, both friends and lovers. Do they "fit" right or are the too painful? Too tight? Too big? Do they leave callouses? Maybe its time to pack up a few things and take them to the good will store, or maybe just put them away in the back of the closet and only wear them on some occasions. But by all means don't think you have to stick around and keep a painful fitting ANYthing!

With Love and in the Light, Cassie

saw this and wanted to share it with you all: its going to be an amazing year!!

WELCOME TO FLIGHT 2012!

As we prepare for take off please make sure that your vision is clear and that you are ready to live in an upright position.
...
All self-destructive behaviors should be surrendered at this time. Should we meet with any turbulence during the flight, stretch your hands above your head and pray. Your prayers will be automatically answered by the depth of your trust. Once you trust that you will be supported and protected, you can assist other passengers.

There is no excess baggage permitted on this flight. The tower has cleared us for take off and we anticipate moving at a very high altitude. Whether your destination is peace, joy, wealth, health, companionship or greater service in the world, if you do your part, we will do ours. Now, buckle up, sit back, relax and enjoy the good you will be creating as we soar toward our destination.

Your Captain ~Iyanla Vanzant~

1-2-12 Letting Go

1-2-12  Letting Go

Friday morning I decided to start my list of New Years Resolutions, you can check it out below and be a witness to it and I can look at it next year and see how many I kept and how many need to be re-added! LOL In the afternoon I headed out to get a bin to put the outdoor Christmas lights in, listening to my borrowed book on CD and heard a great quote:
When the going gets tough the tough get going.....the enlightened surrender.― Martha N. Beck
I liked that and vowed to make that my biggest New Years Goal, surrendering everything to my higher power! I headed back home and I saw Randy pass me on 35, only when I am on vacation am I out in the daytime around here could this happen, so it was odd to see him. I didn't know if he saw me so I sped up on his right to wave.....but someone was with him so I ducked and turned. I felt a tinge of sadness but not much, it was one of the kids not HER at least. I went home and layed down to watch a movie and ignored my phone when it rang..... I checked it when I woke up and was pleased to see it was him so I called him back right away. He said I saw you today, and that he had taken junior to shop-rite to buy food for the New Years Party he was going to have with them. Then he talked about how he had to work 10-6 sat an 10-5 sunday so it wouldn't be a late party. I had given him the address of where I would be at midnight NYE just in case they ditched him though....

In the evening I went to the Comedy Show event with the divorce meetup. I saw a few people I hadn't seen in a long time. I also saw Tina and gave her some of the free Starland Ballroom tickets and I saw Joe and gave some to him as well. I had to give her a pep talk about keeping her group but told her also that if she got fed up she can always just use my groups. I got home just after midnight and was full of energy and ended up watching a TV movie, Big with Tom Hanks. Its was about a 13 yr old boy who gets big, goes to NYC gets a job and a girlfiriend and she is so happy with him and his innocent side (because inside he is still the 13 yr old) It reminded me a lot of Randy and when I saw how much fun the woman had with him I remembered how much fun he is and how he keeps me feeling young and having fun. In the movie the boy did mature and he did get very responsible but in the end he missed being a boy and he got changed back and went home. I wondered if there was any message in the movie for me, then again I am always looking for signs, probably too much. I let it be....

Saturday I woke up and the angel-card-of-the-day was New Love, again I wondered if it meant I was going to have a new man or that I was going to see a new man in Randy. I let it be..... and headed off to get my bloodwork done for the hospice place, finally my last thing to finish before I could start my volunteer work. I then went to the gym and got there just in time for the centergy class, (yoga to music), and was glad I made it. Afterwards I ran a ton of errands and got home arond noon and decied to make a late breakfast sine all I had was coffee so far. I made pancakes and veggie bacon that Shawn had left in my freezer. YUCK! I am NOT adding veggie bacon to my diet no way. I then cleaned two rooms and marveled how I had so much energy on only 5 hrs of sleep! I kept wondering if Randy would text to wish me a happy new year but he did not. I tried to rest but couldnt and then got ready and went to my party. I met a few nice new people, and saw a lot of old friends and passed out a lot of free tickets. I saw my new reiki friend and got to meet her husband, she told me that he can atral travel and I told her that Randy can too, it made me realize how important a spiritually connected mate is to someone like myself. It also made me feel a twinge of sadness to know he'd rather be with the boys than with me on NYE.  I went outside to check out the fire and looked up and noticed that the resteraunt was right under that huge condo complex that Randy had wanted to go see the price for us to possibly live there someday. I couldn't resist anymore and I sent him the picture...really nice he replied.....I sent back I hope you are having a happy new year with the kids.....he did not reply.

I really enjoyed the party though, mixing and mingling with old and new friends. I saw my old business partner there, I had hoped he might have brought me back my flash drive that he promised to return but he wouldn't even look my way when I tried several times to catch his eye so that I could wish him a Happy New Year, oh well time to give up hope that we will be able to restore our friendship.  Also there was a gal pal of mine who has been dating a guy friend of mine that I have known for a very long time so I decided to talk to him about her and the relatioship and see if I could encorage it some. He had a lot of valid points however, not to me deal breakers but bothersome enough. Relationships are that way, no two people are going to be a perfect fit the question remains how much you want to give in and compromise on to be together. So after talking to him I told her, you know you really are going to have to learn to go camping with him or move on and find someone who is NOT outdoorsy like you are not. The next day when I posted the below quote from Neal Donald Walsh's daily newsletter she replied ok out with the old in with the new I am ready to find my soulmate! Honestly it really is just a matter of letting it be, letting go and allowing rather than strugling.......

Sunday morning this was the message for new years day from my Converstaions With God daily message:

every day is a New Beginning.

A new cycle begins this day, yet a new cycle begins

every day. Indeed, every moment. So if you recognize

anything on this day, recognize what it symbolizes: The

miracle of the endlessly continuing Cycle of Life.

What a grand day! What a time for celebration! We

begin again today! We turn the page! And so, let go

of all that you do not wish to carry with you any further.

Any fear, any sadness, any anger, any resentment, any

disappointment, any lament...let it all go. And now, 

using the specialness of this day as a springboard, 

let's get on with Life! 

I lazed around trying to get caught up with my e-mails and cassiescalendar work. I really need to let go some of the things that I do because it's taking up too much of my time and not making me much money. It's just a matter of figuring out what, but I will pray on it and ask the angels to guide me. My roomate cooked that free turkey I had gotten from Shop Rite and in the evening I had a movie meetup event to go to. We had a very nice time particularly talking afterwards at the diner. My one friend told me however that another ex friend of mine reads my blog and cuts snippets out of it and finds fault with me. She has always judged me, and everyone else, very harshly. Yet here she is 44 years old and never married or been able to keep a man for very long despite the fact that she is very pretty--- on the outside-- I wish she could let go of her past pain and hurt from her childhood that made her this way. I offered reiki to her many a time but she never got it. My other friend who came is friends with my ex business partner and he told me he thinks he too must read my blog because he knows so much about every little thing that's going on in my life and what I am up to and what he thinks of my website and how he'd make it better. Honestly he needs to let it go already too! I told my friend how I had such a crush on this guy a couple years ago and he was shocked, had no idea and asked me why. Because he gave me so much attention I said, its simple as that. To me time/attention is love I said.... Of course this got my other friend on the Randy topic, she says she knows I love him and he makes me happy but she says I see you just as exacerbated with him too most of the time. I know I told her, I know. My guy friend said to me that I must have some commitment issues, I told him no I have had choosing issues, but I am much better than I was, I am almost ready to choose..... My gal pal said I need to have courage to talk to him about it and I told her we already have and pretty much decided to be together but not yet, he wants to wait till his kids move out. But I know that  IF I am going to be with him someday fully commited I have to learn to let go of being upset with him for liking to hang with the boys so much, it does make me nuts BUT on the other hand, with him I can be anyone that I want to be and have complete freedom and acceptance of me for who I am, that goes a very long way I said. Yes it really does she said to me. We sat there and discussed event ideas for the coming year and then said our good nights, all of us agreeing we are going to have a great year!

Monday I woke up and got to work on web stuff that needed to be done, and going through posts and making plans for my day. Last I had talked to Randy he was supposed to come see me for a "date" this day, I decided to wait and see if he rememebered me and not message him. This message popped up in my news feed:



I don't know what all my something better is going to be but I do know for a fact that everything in my life is going to be better, I know this because I am letting it all GO! Some things and some people will be gone for good, some will wander back into my life in new and better ways, thats yet to be seen and I am not going to look back OR too much forward I am going to look at the day at hand. I trust whatever it is that comes to me this year it will be good because I am going to think it so with positive thoughts and let go of negative ones.

Today take a look at your own life and see what you can let go............and bring in the new year, the new you!



With Love and in the Light, Cassie



My New Year's Resolutions:

• Go to the Gym at least 3 times a week--- letting go: Go to the gym regularly and work towards my goal of being leaner and stronger so that I can hike and bike to all the scenic vistas I want to see.
• I am going to eat healthy food, cut out the junk--letting go : I am going to add more fresh fruits, veggies and healthier choices to my diet but not deny myself totally of a burger, or real bacon or a cookie sometimes too
• Do not worry so much, focus on what I want not what I do not want.....letting go: I am going to dwel in possibilities and positivity!
• Make or get lots of money and pay off all my depts-- letting go: always have the money for whatever I need and never lack, hoard or fear about my needs.
• I want to read more--letting go: I am going to listen to books on CD in the car, and pray for more time to sit in parks and on beaches and read and relax
• I am going to attract my perfect mate--letting go: I am going to be happy with who shows up in my life and trust that it will all just fall into place in the right way and the right time

Now what about yours????