11-28-11 Barriers to Love

Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.

11-28-11  Barriers to Love

Friday evening I headed down to Red Bank to meet up with Joe's group and also Bob was hosting for another meetup group for the tree lighting ceremony and concert. It was a lovely night and we all had a great time. I went from group to group and also spent a good bit of time alone too. I am just like that anymore, can only take so much people interaction. I did slip into a spiritual store too and got some frankincense and myrrh incense for the holidays and I also got a new stone, one that is supposed to help me with my psychic abilities. I was still shaken about being so wrong about Randy and thinking his "family" wasn't taking him with them for Thanksgiving. I hate being so off when I was so certain, truth means so much to me... But anyway I didn't stay late and headed towards home, by 9pm I was sitting at the Keyport waterfront in my car, eating a slice and thinking I wished I had someone there with me and thinking Randy must be home with the family by then... I sat awhile and looked at the NYC lights across the bay then headed home.

Saturday I got up and planned out my day and texted Randy to see if he could come over that night. His reply was that Sunday would be better so I replied see you then and left it be. I had to go get my new cat and I had a new roommate moving in that evening.... I went to get my cat from Pam, he tolerated being held by me without putting up too much of a fuss and he didn't cry in carrier on the ride home. I held him and I carried him around all over and showed him where his food is and his litter box and held him till he stopped being scarred and started purring. The he wanted down and went to explore and ran and hid, the kids tried to coax him out later and got him all upset we looked and looked for him and then I noticed the open basement window! I looked everywhere, I went to the store to buy wet food, I was totally panicked by the time Randy replied to the photo I had sent him of me taking the car carrier out of the car. He tried to comfort me but it got me all upset thinking about old pets that I had lost, and missing his cat Skooter who used to sleep with me. I told him I just wanted a new cat to sleep with me, no one wants to sleep with me and I went on and on. Then Pam texted to see how we were doing and I felt even worse! Then right in the middle of all that my new roomate came to pay the rent and get his key.I did take some time away to talk to him a bit, he's been through the ringer so I had a good feeling that this was good that he come stay with me awhile while he gets his bearings. He told he he "saw a glow" about my place and we got to talking of spiritual topics. Turns out he is very gifted but hides it due to ridicule, told me he can "read" a person easily so I asked him to read me. He said that I am very giving, often too giving, that I have been hurt and dissapointed a great deal in my life, more than most and that I yearn for love but I have way too many barriers up to let anyone in. WOW was all I could say to that.

 Randy came over when he got off work and helped us look for the cat, no such luck but he sat and told not to worry and told me many tales of how his new cats hid for weeks before coming out and getting used to him. I told him of my fears that the cat went out the window and he said no no he senses he is here just be patient. He stayed with me a good while and we cuddled and talked and it was very nice and I thanked him for coming on a night he hadn't wanted to. Everything was going good till he brought up Thanksgiving again and how much he ate and said his Mom had been over to his house for dinner. I said oh you stayed at your house? Yup he said and the food was so good.. SHE cooked I asked? and then he mumbled something about having ordered a pre-cooked meal from Shop Rite. Then I had to ask, does your Mom like her, does she hang out and talk to her like she did me? She don't say nothing about her he said, knowing Mom that means she don't like her. I must confess I liked that a little bit.... There was one other thing though that happend, while he was there someone started knocking on the door rather forcefully and he got worried one of his "kids" had driven by and saw his truck, turns out one of my roommates had ordered pizza. He sure got worried which was itself annoying but also annoying that he does park in the driveway now he told me the kids drive past my house often...pretty irresponsible if ya ask me. Course he's afraid of them, not me....

Sunday I had a ton of chores to do and then Yoga. I was not as bendy and seemed to fall backwards from the progress I had made with the class and it was upsetting. This fat of mine is just so in the way of everything I want to do. Nancy said not to worry that I had been really sick and that was expected and don't think I went backwards that my muscles would remember what I had done before and get back to it quickly. In the evening Randy came after work again. It was nice to see him two days in a row like that. The cat had still not come out of hiding yet though..... We talked of many things and when he got on the topic of his "kid" I realized how that he is never going to leave, he can't hold a job and all this talk of joining the service sounds to me like just talk, nothing concrete has been done. But as Randy talked more and more of how much fun they have playing I just got sadder and sadder and pulled away even more. He could tell too and asked if I was mad but said no. Then he got on the topic of his finances and his future and what he wants to do. This time the plan he brought up was one that I could never mesh my future plans with and told him so. He said well that's only ONE of the scenarios I am considering and besides I could be with you on weekends he said. We also talked about his health and how while watching a TV show with her they saw a man who had an accident and was in a wheelchair and she said if that happens to you I am out of here. He told me that hurt him quite a bit but he knows its the truth, he then reflected on how well I took care of him when his back when out. I said yeah see they are going to use you for all the best years then when you get hurt and broken that's when I will get ya.

We talked some of what my roommate had said about my barriers to a relationship and also about how he was the only one I had ever let in. He told me he thinks I am crazy because I keep fighting with him and dumping him and wanting him back again. I said well quit coming back then! But I want to come back he said I like you... Then he told me that I need to quit thinking that the universe has any plan for me and to make my own plan, that I wasted too much time waiting for all these predictions to come true and I should just do it. I realized he was right and told him so and that I would think about it more. As he was leaving he told me that he'd go home, get the dog and walk it and call me then. I said no don't bother, he said you don't want me to call? Nah I said, all I had in my mind was he'd be walking her dog why would I want to talk to him and I had e-mail to answer....it wasn't till I was falling asleep that I realized I had just pushed him away a little AGAIN. Guess I am not much better than my new cat who needs and wants love and affection but I run and hide from it.... I gotta work on this some more......

Today I want you to work on the barriers in your own lives. I don't care how healthy you are you must have some, and some of us way more than others, and some of us way bigger than others..... Why put up things to block the very essence of life? Love! As we move towards the holidays, and when we are going to be encountering so many family members, the ones who probably got you started on all this barrier building in the first place, why don't you just ask for healing in these areas? Love is the greatest gift there is, how about giving some to yourself by taking down some of that barbed wire you put around your heart?



With Love and in the Light, Cassie