11-25-11 The Door of The Heart
So Monday I wrote to Pam who had posted a photo the week before of a Ferrel cat she was in the process of taming. I had posted that I wanted a kitty cat and she said I could have that one. My reply was that I could not afford vet bills now. But I had discussed the cat with Randy the night before, mostly because the cat looked so much like his Skooter who had died, and he said I can get everything done for under $100 down here so I decided it was well worth some sacrifices. I really miss Skooter too, he's really the only pet I have let myself get attached to in a very very long time. Growing up I had many pets. dogs, cats, rabbits, cows etc. But some of them it was quite traumatic how I lost them. Other stories for another day.... but anyway I asked him would he mind if I got a cat just like Skooter and he said no, actually that would be really cool, so I wrote to her. She said I can have him but she was worried as he is a wild cat but I told her of all the wild ones I had taken in over the years back on the farm so we agreed to make plans later in the week to do the transfer.
When I got home from work I went to work out at the gym and got to thinking about Randy's "kid" training and wanting to get into the Navy Seals and recalled how he told me they would train for hours and then go home and drink till 3am Having a son in the military I knew this was not gonna fly so I texted Randy and cautioned him about this, telling him he should set the example of the person he was at that age, a hard worker, a healthy eater etc. I figured instead of fighting this situation I should try and help. He texted me back to tell me that the kid got fired, for not showing up for work or showing up late all the time. I gave him some comfort and coaching on parenting, told him I know its hard but in my heart all I could think of was great, he's not leaving any time soon. As a matter of fact probably NONE of them are leaving anytime soon, and why should they? They live in a house practically free, they don't have to clean it or mow the yard or do any chores, and they don't have to worry if they loose a job as Randy's there to pay for booze and smokes too. Yup that little dream we started to build for our future got blow down as if it were made of toothpicks and elmers glue and a hurricane came through! Oh well......I have faith.....besides I want a house with a Bay view and an A-frame cabin on a lake and Randy says he will never buy those, he'd rather live cheap, retire early and have more play time. We all gotta make our own way...
Tuesday my friend Beth posted that she had been feeling a lot of uneasiness with the energy shifts and had wondered if anyone else did too. Of course many did and I just told them no but i have had a feeling of happiness and well being no matter what "bad" thing is going on or worry that may try to creep in
I just don't care, none of this seems to matter its like I am in a reality TV show that's not going good but I know they are coming with new scripts sooner or later that's going to have a better ending. Writing that down to share made me acknowledge it to myself. Later that day I was driving home, the rain was falling, it was getting dark at only 4pm. My friend had cancelled going walking and I was looking forward to one night of not having to go out anywhere, but feeling a bit lonely that I had no one to go home to other than my son who doen't talk to me much. As I passed through where Randy's work is I realized I most likely would not pass him on 35 since the traffice was so bad, for a moment I felt sad and wished I was going to see him and a few moments later I did! It was at the busiest intersection of all the major routes, we got there at the same time him gettting off and me gettting on. I texted him when I stopped for gas to tell him and he replied Wow you are good! It makes me happy though to pass him each day crazy as that seems...
Wednesday I was working from home trying to get a bunch of stuff wrapped up for work, I am a little less behind everyday but still annoyed no one could pick up the slack for me when I was sick. I sent out a quick Thanksgiving message to my groups also and was thinking of how greatful I am to have a place to go for dinner the next day. Then for some reason late morning I got to thinking about Randy and I had this big urge to send him a message and tell him that I love him. I didn't do it though so stop rolling your eyes out there! LOL I did tell him however that I was thinking about him when he answered an e-mail I had sent him a few days before he wrote how nice I am thinking about you too. I don't know where this came from, I thought I had that love locked up safe inside me where it can't hurt me anymore, but there it was. Probably was the holidays I thought. But I did make a big post of lobster bisque in the crock pot and I put a container of it, a fresh biscut, and some fresh cookies in bag and texted him to come pick them up on his way home from work. I am a loving person and there's no reason for me to not show that love when I feel it, hoarding it and hiding it and dolling it out in rations like a punishment and rewards system serves no one, most of not me. Loving some can't hurt me, only if expectations are attached to that love.
Thursday was Thanksgiving and tons of messages were rolling in from my friends and relatives. That felt nice to trade that back and forth and Dustin even called me! In the afternoon Jeremy and I headed over to my friend Tina's house, she had graciously invited us and cooked a 5 course meal for 8! I gotta say the food was phenomenal and all home made. During dinner we got word that one of the meetup guys had died of a heart attack, he was our age and had been out at the event the night before. Really made us think a bit and apreciate one another and how short life really is. Later when we went to say goodnight I told Tina this was the best Thanksgiving Dinner ever... it warmed my heart see how happy that made her to hear that and we hugged. I thought on the way home how Jeremy had told Dustin we got invited to someone's house for dinner and that was our tradition. Its true too, someone always invites us to dinner and what lovely times we have had over the years. I also thought of Randy and wondered if the "family" who lives there took him with them to dinner, when I saw he had e-mailed me at 3:30 and had been texting with me at 11am I wondered even more...
Black Friday morning I got up and was getting ready to head to the gym, my voice was nagging me again to text Randy and see if he wanted me to bring him breakfast, he had told me he had to work all day starting at 5am then come home and go to the UPS job from 5-9. I finally gave in and texted to ask if he wanted anything, he didnt reply right away but I had to stop at K-mart to return something and he replied just as I walked out that a #4 from McDonalds would be good. I got the food and texted to ask where he wanted me to meet him. When he said he'd meet me out his truck I felt a little stab of the knife, recalling the he didn't want anyone there to see him and I together. He was greatful though for the food and offered to pay me but I said no that's my black friday gift to you. The he went on to tell me how much turkery he ate and pies and such and how awesome his Thanksgiving was. Yep the knife was shoved in as deep as it would go and then he had to go and twist it by reminding me of "them". Just like my Grandma always said, no good deed goes unpunished. But he of course hadn't done it maliciously, he's never been one to think about how what he's about to say could hurt someone else. And I must say that instead of wrenching pain it was only a mild sting. I am healing, and most importantly I had acted in love regardless of how it would pan out for me, and I felt good for having done it!
Today I want you to go into the doors of your heart and open them up wide and let out that ocean of love full force! Do not hold it in reserve, or fear giving it away that it may hurt you to love. For I have learned that when you love someone they may not return that love, or react the way you feel they should, or they may leave you alone or die too early and seldom do they love you in the way that you deserve but still..... love them anyway...... The door to you heart should always be open wide!
With Love and in the Light, Cassie
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