11-21-11 Smoke and Mirrors

 You have no idea how hard I've looked
for a gift to bring You.
Nothing seemed right.
What's the point of bringing gold to
the gold mine, or water to the ocean.
Everything I came up with was like
taking spices to the Orient.
It's no good giving my heart and my
soul because you already have these.
So I've brought you a mirror.
Look at yourself and remember me. Rumi ♥

11-21-11  Smoke and Mirrors

So Friday's blog was about embracing change, I had been teaching my son about what he wants he just has to ask for and BOOM. more change and I think he made it happen! LOL He had woken up complaining about how the downstairs roommate goes in his sectioned "room" in the basement and turns off his TV at night no matter how very low the volume is. Next thing I know the roommate comes up, says he's moving out he got a place closer to school and he was gone. There goes my Christmas money if I don't get someone fast I thought for a second then thought no no I WILL find someone right away........and put an ad up on Craigslist. After work I went and got my neighbor and we went for a walk down by the water front-- 4 laps we made in 40 minutes I think, that is our benchmark....

Saturday I woke up and planned my day: gym, home depot, bake cookies, wrap gifts, then in the evening I was going to the movies with Joe's singles group and I posted it to my group also. Jeremy got up very early and told me he hadn't slept much, I told him to go with the energy flow of his body that I too wasn't sleeping much but I had energy anyway and he said he did too. So I texted Randy to ask him to drop off the ladder he said we could borrow, thinking it a good day for Jeremy to put the outdoor lights up since it was so nice out. He didn't end up answering me for awhile and then he said he would be late for work if he brought it but he'd bring it that night, I replied that was OK supposed to be nice out Sunday also. At the time I was at Sears returning an item and on my way to the gym, I saw his truck so I texted to him that I saw it........ I then went and worked out for 45 minutes and when I got back to my phone he had replied saying: are you stalking me? When that got no reply he sent another 10 min later saying awww do you miss me? To the first one I replied: not stalking this is my Sears too, were you stalking when you drove by my house Tuesday? To the second one I replied: I have learned to not miss you, I am not into self abuse anymore. His only reply was next time I drive by I will blow the horn. Later in the day I did end up baking some peanut butter kiss cookies for the jewelry party the next day so I texted him to tell him I had a box of them waiting when he dropped off the ladder. My favorite was his reply.... I did my chores took my shower and was getting ready to go out so I texted him to tell him where I was leaving the cookies for him and maybe I'd see him tomorrow but I was going to a singles event tonight...........sure was his reply.

Later at the event though, I was standing around with my friends and Randy sent a text. Are you having fun on your date? It's not a date it's a singles event I sent back, angry at him for doubting what I had told him earluer about where I would be.....Lucky you he sent....I ignored it so then he asked were there any hot guys there..... I stood there and bitched about him some to one of my guy friends, then I realized how stupid a move that was, how was I going to get dates if I keep telling the single guys I am seeing an ex? Course it was nice when my guy friend told me he agreed how wrong it was that Randy was only going to give me 20 minutes of his time and go drinking with a buddy. So wanting to end the conversation, and feeling that he deserved to be home alone worrying about who I was meeting at a singles event I said yes there are several hot guys, (in truth there were 2 or 3 I think are cute, one I like especially). Randy  texted good maybe you can get one of them and do some pokey in the parking lot........grrrrr.......by then it was time for the movie to start so I sent back: no parking lots, these guys don't have a "wife" at home so if we want to do it they will invite me back to their house. That shut him up...... Later when I arrived home I saw the ladder was there but he hadn't taken his cookies....I was going to write or text to tell him that but decided to wait and not let him know I was home by 10pm and alone...

Sunday morning I got up early and my neighbor and I went for a walk down by the waterfront. I told her the latest Randy chronicles and you know what she told me? That I need to stop texting him back with these barbs of mine, that its mean what I say to him and just because he hurts me don't make it right for me to hurt him back. She said this way the two of you treat each other isn't good and it needs to stop and sad to say you are the mature one here and YOU need to make it stop. Sadly I knew that she was right.........she said that if I want to say something nasty to write it down but do not send it and to him and after awhile look at all of them and see how mean they really are (she reads this blog she knows what I say) so I agreed and we also discussed some  better replies to what went on recently so that's what I am going to practice. I told her that I know that I am in a period of growth to be a better person and to heal and stuff and the reason for the blog is to show others who come after me how I changed myself. So this will be a lesson, for me and for those of you who will read my words after. The point here is not to make Randy a better person or to get what I want here but for me to learn to BE nicer and to not react when I am in those moments of hurt and pain.....how can I attract love to my life when I am not reacting with total love and I am letting my hurt and my anger drive me? I vowed to work on this....

Jeremy and I spent Sunday doing chores and putting up the outside lights while we had the ladder. I texted Randy and told him I would be home if he wanted to come spend time with me when he got off work.....he ended up coming and we had a lovely time together. I tried to talk to him about how he had upset me the Friday before but he still doesn't get it, he still thinks its the right thing to do for him to put the kid first and said if Dustin came home it would be the same way and besides he said I was trying to squeeze you both in. I told him its not the same but decided to not go on anymore. I am tired of having the same fight with him,  he will never get it,  in his mind  he never knows when the guys will want to play and he cant ever pass up a chance......this is how he always was and always will be. I told him how snotty he's gotten too and his reply was that in the past he never fought back or stood up for himself but now he's learning to. He said I was mean to him last Friday so he was a smart alec back. I thought about it some and a part of me was glad he's learning to stand up for himself, he always was passive aggressive IE just not showing up, but in reality I feel, have always felt, that staying there and battling things out is healthier in the long run. I told him though that it wasn't nice of him to text and bother me when I was out Saturday night and he said I just wanted to see if you'd answer me, if you didn't then I know you like them better, and then he grinned and said but you answered me....... little shit I could smack him.....

Also we did talk about perhaps me going with him on a Vermont trip or two and how that would work out if I did. Seemed dooable... And also going to Work Out World some Sundays so he can coach me some.. He also told me how bad he feels when I am not seeing him and how great he feels for days after when I do see him, how he goes around grinning at work for days.... I told him I missed my spot in his bed and he said I can have it back. No I can't someone's in it I said but he said things are changing.  I walked him out to his truck as he wanted me to see how clean it was inside in the back, I went to look and he had her monkey hanging on the back seat handle, I was icking out and walking away and he said but I moved it from the front seat so it wouldnt bother ya! Its still not gone though I said.......but he again said things were changing and he was getting tired of keeping up all the smoke and mirrors routine to make what he had look like something that it really is not, never was and never would be. That's on you buddy I told him and said goodnight.........

Today  look closely at the mirrors of your life, those are the people that you interact with, the relationships that you have.  What kind of reactions are you getting and what hand did you have in creating them?  Be sure and blow away all the smoke and look clearly............ the clearer you see the more oneness you can find .....


With Love and in the Light, Cassie