11-14-11 Value In The Ruined Places
Saturday morning I woke up bright and early, actually I had woken up several times from 4am till I finally got up at 7am. As one roommate headed out for the day, another came home from his night job and then my son woke up and I thought about how all these people are counting on me. Worries of financial problems, issues my web mistress was having with my web hosting company, the sadness of the Randy situation. I prayed each time I had woken up for my guides to ease some of this suffering, to show me a glimpse of a happier future. The message each time the same: everything will be ok. I had read a bit of Syliva Brown's book, Temples on the Other Side before going to sleep the night before and I recalled her personal story, her troublesome marriages, her raising two sons alone, her near financial ruin....but she went on to become rich and famous AND help many people, she also found a husband in her later years. I hope I don't have to wait till I am in my 70's but again I must trust in the timing of the universe but I do recall he saying how maddening the simplicity of the answer she'd get when she cried for help in her darkest of hours, something short and sweet just like I got. And she was a psychic who got so many messages for so many others! I shrugged it off and I headed out to gym for my one free training session, then it was going to be Improv in the afternoon....no time to worry about my problems, take care of today and let tomorrow take care of itself I told myself....
I really enjoyed my training session at the gym, it was nice to have someone tell me what to do and to coach me as I did it and it was not that hard of a work out either, I could totally get into this I thought so when he suggested we go over the billing plans one more time I agreed....but still I could not afford it, no way no how not now. Bummer. I told him I had to rush out as I had to get to Improv, he was so into that said he was a theater major and I told him to join CC and he can come to the next one. I went to the car and checked my phone messages, some guy was up looking at my old house and wanted to know the price. He said he would look around and get back to me, even after I told him about all that was stolen from it! Maybe "they" were taking care of this after all... I then drove up and got to Improv actually early. I sent Randy a text asking if he had fun the night before....he said yes lots....I said was it worth hurting me and letting me down.......here we go again he replied....I dropped it and went to class. One woman came who said she knew me from a hike I did years ago and she did a good job, then we had another newbie and also Nikki and my old buddy Victor came too. I was glad to be able to get past the hurt and pain of our past issues, truth is we had just gotten too close but neither of us could be what the other needed and wanted....sometimes you just have to circle back later with a different path... We all liked improv and made some plans to do that again and we also got to talking about business networking and how everyone just has all these events and everyone just passes out cards trying to get everyone elses business! I told them all the story of pots of stew that is part of my founders message of Cassies-Co-Operative They all liked it very much and so we said maybe we will do a business service trade event someday....
Sunday I woke up and made a descion about Randy, I could not give him my whole evening by taking him to the gym and then bringing him home and basically let him get away with his callous behavior. Besides the gym was a potential place to meet someone and I didn't need people thinking I had a boyfriend. So I texted him to see if he was still coming and to bring his razor......his reply: I cant it would violate policy statute 105-b of the rules. (I had sent him an e-mail friday night that I forgot about, laying out some rules for our "relationship" so that I would get the respect I felt I deserved.) Not feeling like arguing I just said whatever.....now he may be an idiot most of the time but he does know when a woman says whatever that's not good....so he replied I have can't meet your 2 hr requirement....ok whatever i sent back.....I have to work till 8pm.......to which I replied and I then you have to take your son to the park I am sure.....that ended that. It was about that time that I started to cramp up and feel ill and my female problem came back.. When I got back to the computer my buddy Dave was IMing me, he got stuck working on a sunday so wanted to chat. He's another one with psychic abilities so I asked him am I destined to be single for the rest of my life? He said he can't see that right now because I won't let go of Randy but if I did I would have endless possibilities. I told him if someone asked me out I would go but no one good ever does. I asked him though was I wrong was I really wrong when I though that the powers that be wanted us to be together? That the whole universe almost was conspiring to make this happen? No you were right he said the guides did want it but what I wanted and needed superceded what he could give me. Wow now there was a truth......but then I asked did I want and need too much? My phone rang and it was Mary, how are you she asked me and I said awful and poured out both my medical problem and my heart problem..... She said its time I went to the doctor for this and as far as Randy goes well its time to realize that unless he gets a lot of therapy and does the work to heal himself he just isn't capable of being a good partner. I told her the hardest thing to accept was that he really did not understand why I was mad at him for wanting to spend time with the person he considers to be his kid when he had made plans with me, he thinks I am being selfish. She said he's a sad little boy living in a man's body and doesn't see how odd it it is for him to keep wanting to hang with kids or that they only hang with him so he spends his money on them. Anyway I was in too much pain to worry about it too much and I slept most of the day.
Monday I contacted my boss, did a bit of work from home and was lucky enough to get a 10am doctor appointment. Surgery was his solution, but just a one day thing, my biggest worry was going to be how I was going to get a ride to and from the hospital. The scarier thing was what he told me of healthcare and what was going to happen to me in the future with Obamacare...... he said since I am overweight, have a history of high blood pressure, was a smoker etc...that when I am older my "metrics" will be bad and the panel that will decide if I can have a surgery or a procedure will most likely deny it. I had heard Mary tell me about these things but it didn't really hit home till then, mostly because I have no fear of dying, I want to die and go home as soon as I am allowed to go....however....what I do not want is to live a life of pain or limitation because I broke my hip but they wont replace it or I have heart disease like my mom did but they wont do the bypass surgery. I know that they also have plans to counsel old people on ways to help themselves commit suicide. No one listened to us when we cried out, and they still don't...... it's really scart to think that when people are old and crippled and feeble society is just going to throw them away to rot and die. Older people are the jewels of society and in the old times we use to honor that, wrinkles were worn like badges of honor, people came and listend to thier words. I know what a treasure old people are....just like I know what a treasure Randy is underneath all his childish selfishness and the hurt and pain he hasn't healed from is making him behave as lesser than who he really is deep deep inside. But I can't help him, all I can do is be an occasional friend to him. As for the healthcare plan and the way this nation is going, not sure if I am called to get involved in that one, I think I can do more good just spreading the light to all that I can, but we shall see...
Today I want you to take a good look around your life and see whats laying around in your dumpsters, perhaps its a friendship that went sour, or an aging family member that you had to tuck away in a home somewhere (It happens no sin in that), Or maybe you know someone who's ill or debilitated physically or mentally. Look at it again and see if you can see beyond the brokeness and find a treasure........... I know I do everyday......so can you.......the trick is to look with your heart and not with your eyes......
With Love and in the Light, Cassie
PS pray for me.....I am in pain........ugh! There's power in prayer and in numbers.....I promise to return the favor......
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