11-7-11 Down on My Knees
Friday when I got home from Hospice training I took a little nap, the whole thing just drained me, the class was good and the people were nice but there was just so much talking, and one woman in particular just would not stop yapping and yapping. I find that sort of thing draining, I do so prefer alone time or one on one or small groups anymore. Anyway Randy had answered my e-mail and said he could see me that night but not Saturday ( I had told him Sunday was a no go because I wanted to go to a singles meetup event). So I texted him to say he could come over and I even had some stew to feed him..........it took him 2 hrs to answer me: how about sat morning before i go to work? THAT ticked me off but I did not react and just said sorry can't am busy, maybe next Sunday (and I was, but I also didn't want to be squeezed in) Oh crap was his reply. I sent back: your e-mail said tonight what happened? Have to work on the kids car he replied. Oh well like I said maybe next Sunday... I let it go and knew in my heart that if he or the universe was letting his family keep us apart it was meant to be that way, but I was NOT going to skip events I wanted to go to for him. Never make someone a priority in your life who only makes you an option in theirs! Then this message popped into my mail:
Every day when you wake up, ask yourself, "What do I really, really, really want?" You have to say "really, really, really," otherwise you may not believe it. Elizabeth Gilbert American Author and Short Story Writer |
Saturday morning I woke up from some very vivid dreams, most of them about my ex-in laws. I always take these dreams to be resolving my issues about wanting to have a close extended family. Not that I didn't have a family of my own back in Ohio but I never felt fully loved or accepted by them, I always felt like the black sheep. Therefore I had so hoped my ex-husband and his 9 siblings were going to be it but the dysfunction was extreme and well besides when you divorce an Italian the whole family shuns you it seems... But I digress. Part of the dream was someone wanting to be intimate with me and for some reason despite how desperately I wanted to on one level I somehow thought that I should not...but a guide was with me telling me I was being foolish turning away from what was offered me....so I woke up wanting someone very much and I decided to text Randy and tell him he could come over before work as suggested. He did not, he didn't answer me right away and by the time he did he said he would be late for work if he came over. I was mad at him all over again.
I went to the grocery store and driving home I prayed very loudly and very angrily to god and the angels to show me loud and clear once and for all does Randy or does he not belong in my life. And if he does not to get everyone to stop messing with me and putting him in my path and in my dreams! I came home and found the November e-zine from my friend pat chapman. The below stuck out at me:
Ultimately, the only way humanity will come out of the tangle of fear is if more of you choose love in every moment. This can feel small when you are doing it in your everyday life, but it makes an enormous
difference in the ongoing evolution. If you imagine one of those satellite images of earth at night where you can see the city lights of urban areas across the planet, imagine yourself as one little speck of either light or darkness. Looking down on Planet Earth right now, you are either creating light or you are creating darkness. We are talking now about the Light of Spirit and the Light of Love - the fundamental creative force of the universe. Do everything you can to beam a speck of light.
I could choose love or I could choose fear.....weather Randy was THE one he was willing to give me what moments he could to love me and I was being a brat about it, so I texted him and asked can you come tomorrow morning?Again he wanted to come the next evening, at our regular time, no I said I am not going to be home. Ok then I will come before work... Pam came we worked on the website later than I had expected and therefore I decided to spend Saturday night at home instead of going out.
Sunday I woke up just before the time Randy was to come over and I got up and freshed up and waited... 10 after I texted, nothing..... 20 after I texted.....nothing......45 min later I texted him a nasty litany that I don't want to remember let alone repeat. Finally he answered me that he just woke up to which my reply was if you loved me you would have set an alarm that's what I would have done. I sorry he replied to which I sent off another litany of his imperfections and how alone he's going to be when he's old and I am happily married to someone else. Shortly after that I got a call from someone looking at my house, driving by they had seen the For Sale By Owner sign and decided to go there and take a look. They told me there were broken windows, the back door open, tubing ripped out of the ground and pieces missing from the heating systems. They went to the basement and told me the hot water heaters were disconnected. I thanked them and called the police up there, they told me to drive up and meet them there to make the report. As I was getting ready I texted Randy and said remember how last week you told me the house contacted you and told you someone was stealing metal and messing it up and I thought it was what Andrew had taken? well this time they took everything! Holy Crap he replied..........I need a name I told him, go back and ask for a name....and I headed up to Flemington to this old crap house I thought I was done going back to.......
Driving up there I got a call from Kevin, we hadn't heard much from him the past week, when I e-mailed he said he had put his back out so I said feel better talk to you later...still it was odd that he called me as its usually Jeremy he calls....then I recalled how I had posted on the meetup event that I may be late due to a robbery at my old home.....the wheels in my head started to turn, and I recalled how two weeks ago when he went with us to winterize it he had mentioned that we should let him take the pipe and split the money then claim and I had said no to that one. He also had reveled that he had done this before. So when I got there and I looked around and saw the extent of the damage and missing items I knew that it was a professional job, and he was a pro. I sat there waiting for the cop and felt like an ass, and I felt so betrayed and I felt so disappointed the here my son and I had thought we found a friend to accept us. The cop was taking forever and I feared I would miss my event, even though I had pre-paid the ticket so I texted Randy and said can you come at 5 if I end up missing my event. Sure can he said.....
When the cop arrived he seemed annoyed and matter of fact and I told him everything I knew, supplied the name and number of the people who reported it etc. Then at one point he accused me of this and said if it turns out to be some insurance scam that i would be arrested! By the time we got done talking though he didn't feel it was me and he said this was all too common. I then rushed out of there and managed to get to the group and the movie in time. Everyone was sympathetic of what happened to me and said if I wanted to that the cops could probably subpoena meetup for the Kevin's real information. I explained that the cop said since I had brought him there before no fingerprints would count and since there was no eye witness there would be no way to prove it. I put it out of my mind and headed in to see the movie. My phone kept vibrating though and I checked and saw that it was Randy, where are you he texted? He even called too , I sent a quick I am not home text went to the event can you come at 7pm? I try he replied....
He never came at 7 and didn't answer my text, napping I thought. I felt so depressed, so betrayed, so devastated. I had to talk to Jeremy about it and I told him to never bring him here again, he wanted to know what I was going to tell him about Thanksgiving I had no answer for that. Kevin even called me again he said he could get me stuff for my hydroponic grower we got at a yard sale I said no thanks and told him how screwed I was financially how the cops thought I did it, a real sob story and that I couldn't talk. I hope he feels at least a little bad about this. At 9pm Randy texted Hi........Hi I sent back......you home? Yeah....and I need a back rub, and Orgasm and a shoulder to cry on can you handle that........I''ll be right over he said.......and he was.......and he gave me what I needed in that moment to comfort me.....
After all this I am feeling pretty beat down and shaken up. I don't know how I am going to ever sell the house now with the whole heating system and copper ripped out. Only one section left on the twisty stairs, as if someone had fallen carrying it down and left it... And I feel like such a fool for trusting someone and knowing that my poor choice stemmed from my desperate need. I know that my son choosing him over better choices came from him feeling too shy and insecure to go to the park in town or anywhere and make some good friends his own age...when you are starving you will eat crappy spoiled no one else wants it food and it will make you sick. We still have sadness and darkness in ourselves from our past pain and we are still attracting negative people to us...... I need to go back and I need to get down on my knees and pray to god really really really hard to release all this pain and this anger and this hurt and this low self esteem and I need to encourage my son to do so too.
Today as yourself what problems do you have that makes life too hard to stand? What is going to bring you to your knees? It happens to the best of us so don't be ashamed, just get on your knees and cry out to your god...........he'll be there for you and he'll send people to comfort you too......on your knees is a very good place to start...........
With Love and in the Light, Cassie
I could choose love or I could choose fear.....weather Randy was THE one he was willing to give me what moments he could to love me and I was being a brat about it, so I texted him and asked can you come tomorrow morning?Again he wanted to come the next evening, at our regular time, no I said I am not going to be home. Ok then I will come before work... Pam came we worked on the website later than I had expected and therefore I decided to spend Saturday night at home instead of going out.
Sunday I woke up just before the time Randy was to come over and I got up and freshed up and waited... 10 after I texted, nothing..... 20 after I texted.....nothing......45 min later I texted him a nasty litany that I don't want to remember let alone repeat. Finally he answered me that he just woke up to which my reply was if you loved me you would have set an alarm that's what I would have done. I sorry he replied to which I sent off another litany of his imperfections and how alone he's going to be when he's old and I am happily married to someone else. Shortly after that I got a call from someone looking at my house, driving by they had seen the For Sale By Owner sign and decided to go there and take a look. They told me there were broken windows, the back door open, tubing ripped out of the ground and pieces missing from the heating systems. They went to the basement and told me the hot water heaters were disconnected. I thanked them and called the police up there, they told me to drive up and meet them there to make the report. As I was getting ready I texted Randy and said remember how last week you told me the house contacted you and told you someone was stealing metal and messing it up and I thought it was what Andrew had taken? well this time they took everything! Holy Crap he replied..........I need a name I told him, go back and ask for a name....and I headed up to Flemington to this old crap house I thought I was done going back to.......
Driving up there I got a call from Kevin, we hadn't heard much from him the past week, when I e-mailed he said he had put his back out so I said feel better talk to you later...still it was odd that he called me as its usually Jeremy he calls....then I recalled how I had posted on the meetup event that I may be late due to a robbery at my old home.....the wheels in my head started to turn, and I recalled how two weeks ago when he went with us to winterize it he had mentioned that we should let him take the pipe and split the money then claim and I had said no to that one. He also had reveled that he had done this before. So when I got there and I looked around and saw the extent of the damage and missing items I knew that it was a professional job, and he was a pro. I sat there waiting for the cop and felt like an ass, and I felt so betrayed and I felt so disappointed the here my son and I had thought we found a friend to accept us. The cop was taking forever and I feared I would miss my event, even though I had pre-paid the ticket so I texted Randy and said can you come at 5 if I end up missing my event. Sure can he said.....
When the cop arrived he seemed annoyed and matter of fact and I told him everything I knew, supplied the name and number of the people who reported it etc. Then at one point he accused me of this and said if it turns out to be some insurance scam that i would be arrested! By the time we got done talking though he didn't feel it was me and he said this was all too common. I then rushed out of there and managed to get to the group and the movie in time. Everyone was sympathetic of what happened to me and said if I wanted to that the cops could probably subpoena meetup for the Kevin's real information. I explained that the cop said since I had brought him there before no fingerprints would count and since there was no eye witness there would be no way to prove it. I put it out of my mind and headed in to see the movie. My phone kept vibrating though and I checked and saw that it was Randy, where are you he texted? He even called too , I sent a quick I am not home text went to the event can you come at 7pm? I try he replied....
He never came at 7 and didn't answer my text, napping I thought. I felt so depressed, so betrayed, so devastated. I had to talk to Jeremy about it and I told him to never bring him here again, he wanted to know what I was going to tell him about Thanksgiving I had no answer for that. Kevin even called me again he said he could get me stuff for my hydroponic grower we got at a yard sale I said no thanks and told him how screwed I was financially how the cops thought I did it, a real sob story and that I couldn't talk. I hope he feels at least a little bad about this. At 9pm Randy texted Hi........Hi I sent back......you home? Yeah....and I need a back rub, and Orgasm and a shoulder to cry on can you handle that........I''ll be right over he said.......and he was.......and he gave me what I needed in that moment to comfort me.....
After all this I am feeling pretty beat down and shaken up. I don't know how I am going to ever sell the house now with the whole heating system and copper ripped out. Only one section left on the twisty stairs, as if someone had fallen carrying it down and left it... And I feel like such a fool for trusting someone and knowing that my poor choice stemmed from my desperate need. I know that my son choosing him over better choices came from him feeling too shy and insecure to go to the park in town or anywhere and make some good friends his own age...when you are starving you will eat crappy spoiled no one else wants it food and it will make you sick. We still have sadness and darkness in ourselves from our past pain and we are still attracting negative people to us...... I need to go back and I need to get down on my knees and pray to god really really really hard to release all this pain and this anger and this hurt and this low self esteem and I need to encourage my son to do so too.
Today as yourself what problems do you have that makes life too hard to stand? What is going to bring you to your knees? It happens to the best of us so don't be ashamed, just get on your knees and cry out to your god...........he'll be there for you and he'll send people to comfort you too......on your knees is a very good place to start...........
With Love and in the Light, Cassie
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