2-27-12 Heart of Truth

“What is uttered from the heart alone, Will win the hearts of others to your own.” 

~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe~

2-27-12   Heart of Truth

So Friday after posting the learning to love myself blog and my work day was over I was exhausted so I took a nap after work hoping to have the energy to go to the Dinner Dance that I had been sent a free ticket to attend. It looked like fun and it was all inclusive so I wanted to go, but I was just way too tired to go. My sinus stuff is really kicking my behind big time, and nearly everyone I know has sinus issues. I personally think it has to do with chem-trails, I have know about them for years now, and finally its becoming main stream knowledge. Still wish I knew how to fight them.... but I digress. I happily spent the evening doing some of my online work. At one point I saw a posted video from True Path Readings, the guy in Indiana who reads my cards. It was a Katy Perry video The One That Got Away. I had heard the song many a time and it made me think of Randy every time but I never saw the video. It really surprised me to see that in the video her boyfriend died in a crash, of course this immediately made me think of Randy up there snowmobiling in Vermont, even he knew danger was lurking for him! So I commented to Ray that this was NOT helping me to forget my daredevil! and he replied Oh Cassie! But since my angel card of the day had been St Michael I decided to pray and ask him to go watch over him, I can't let my love for him hurt me anymore but it doesn't mean that I can't care. In another life we can be together but not this one...

Saturday I woke up early and headed out for my Walking and Talking event for my Fun and Easy Fitness Meetup group. I was blustery cold and I was surprised to see that 7 people came! We only walked for 20 minutes but it was fun and we all went to the diner after for some breakfast, the special with tax and tip was only $5, can't beat that! I went home and happily scheduled one for the following Saturday at a new location. In the evening there was a Board Game Meetup at my new friends house, the one who lives 2 blocks from Randy, I felt better when I saw his truck there and knew he was home safe and not up riding. I got a text from my spiritual adviser about an hour after I got there asking me why was she thinking of me at that time, dang spirits need to give this thing a rest! I replied to her and put it all out of my mind and enjoyed my time at the event. It was soooo much fun, we all had a grand time and she promised to host more, its so nice to have friends in my same town who want to hang out, in Flemington I had friends but everyone was so busy all the time. They are going to join me in my beach picnics this summer!  I am so so very happy that I moved down this town even if I am not going to be with Randy, my heart is still much happier here.

When I got home I checked my e-mails really quick and saw that someone had replied to my blog post, she told me all about her life now and how rough it is and wound it up with:
i just wanted to say thank you for sharing your story.  It is going to help me figure out my messy life.
This blessed me so much and I wrote her back and wished her well, saying I would pray for her and send her Reiki and that she should be so very proud of all she has done so far in her life.I was very glad that these pourings out of my heart and the little lessons I include could help another, she wrote me the next day also and said she was going to start trying to write too. I was so glad.

Sunday I got up and decided to go take my Centery class at the gym. I was so tired and sore that I only did half of the class and then headed home. My sinus stuff was so bad that I was having trouble hearing. I did some online work and then napped. In the evening I was too tired to go out. I ended up calling my spiritual adviser and asked her why did she think Randy had lied to me? She said she wasn't sure that it's almost like lying has become a way of life for him, perhaps he wanted to see how I would react or where it would go. I told him this was bothering me why he lied was a puzzle that I wanted to solve. She said when I speak to him again I should call him on it and ask him. I told her I have no intention of ever contacting him again. You'll speak to him she told me, if you go long enough he will contact you and you will answer him. I told her she was probably right and that annoyed me, I am so disgusted with him for leading me to believe she left when she had not and he knew full well she had not and I am especially mad when we were returning home and he insulted me with the I wish you didn't live near me you are harder to hide comment. My heart and soul thrives on truth and is destroyed with lies and half truths. No wonder I had been weary the whole time I was with him and why I was so hungry too I was starving for truth. I had done my soul a great disservice by  being with him these last two years, I have much Karama to pay for this and scars to heal inside my heart. I have always worked very hard to be an honest person, and I do not lie but I was living in that lie, and with that lie and I damaged my heart. That is probably why it's been aching so, it no longer was a heart of truth. It is time to heal that, I wouldn't want to go on and try to find someone new until I fix it and thus the vibration it gives out. I must first learn to be honest and true to myself.

Today I want you all to pray and seek guidance and "get to the heart of things" seek the truth in your lives.Hold things up to the light and look at them closely. It will take much courage and fortitude but its the only way to lead a truly healthy life. And only a heart that reveals itself in truth can keep another truly close without causing harm.........


With Love and in the Light, Cassie

A Secret Scrolls message from Rhonda Byrne
Creator of The Secret 

When we first learn The Secret it is a defining moment in our life. We realize that everything we have experienced in our life was an effect, and that we caused those experiences through our thoughts and feelings.
In one incredible moment we come face-to-face with the fact that we have been the cause of many good things in our life, but we have also unintentionally brought pain and suffering to ourselves. At the same time, we realize that the future is entirely in our hands, that every possibility can be realized, and that we can easily change anything and everything in our life - through our thoughts and feelings.

Rhonda Byrne
The Secret... bringing joy to billions

2-24-12 Learning to Love Myself- part 2

Friday I woke up to this in my newsfeed, confirming my task at hand for myself:

Can you LOVE yourSelf?

It’s The ULTIMATE FORMULA For JOY!

It’s really simple.
...
Existence is conscious energy.
It creates and explores patterns within itself.
As it evolves form and intellligence these beings (you and I) can
create our own energetic patterns or ‘magnetic resonance’ through
our thoughts and expectations fueled by our emotions.

The easiest and simpliest way to create my perfect environment
is to love myself completely and emotionally all the time. This will
automatically synchronize my experience with all the elements to reinforce my self-love and joy.

- Lou Majors

 

So there I had it, that still was the problem facing me, the reason I was still fat despite my best efforts, the reason I was still alone with out a partner, the reason that was holding me back from all my highest goals. I recalled how two years ago my business partner Victor used to get on my case telling me I didn't love myself, and I swore that I did and he asked me what does it mean what does it feel like what does it look like? I couldn't really answer him, and he'd nag me so much on it. (yeah he was one of those soul mate teachers in my life) But I digress, I guess the real reason I don't know what this looks and feels like is because I never was taught it as a child. But hey its time to give that up and get going on this, but the first thing I am NOT going to do is beat myself up for the fact that I still haven't learned this lesson. I am just going to get right back on task.

So today I want you all to ask yourself Do you love yourself? And HOW do you love yourself and how does it feel? I'd love for you all to share here in the comments, we can make this a group project and learn together!

With Love and in the Light,  Cassie

Whitney Houston - Greatest Love of All

2-24-12 Learning to Love Myself

2-24-12    Learning to Love Myself

Tuesday morning I drove past Randy's house to see if her car was there, I had gone by the day before each time I ran out to run an errand and it wasn't there so I thought he had been lying about her coming back. This time it was there, so either she was back or he had only led me to believe she had left. Or who knows maybe in his mind he led me to think that so we'd have a better weekend? Or perhaps he was testing the waters with me to see if I really did want him? Who knows but one thing I knew for sure I wanted it all to stop. At this moment in time I don't even want to be his friend let alone think of more. He has always lied to me, or misled me or kept things from me and this is why there has always been turmoil. I prayed all the way to work and asked the angles to help me to forget he exists, move on and find someone new and to never look back again. My love for him is strong so I need strong help on this one. I wish I knew what it is in me that kept me believing and holding on, I have spent a great deal of my life waiting for someone to be with me, holding on to hope, not stepping into something real. I guess the real issue here is that I do not trust love so I settle for the possibility of love, that's so much safer to me. Sounds odd I know but I know many with this affliction, perhaps if I can beat it I can help others....... How does one set about learning to trust love, to grab it and live it instead of sit and wait and hope for it? Or worse yet semi-date someone who isn't truly available? That was the question spinning around and around in my brain as I went about my day. And just what was wrong with me that I had believed in him, wanted him, not wanted more for myself? Shortly after that this popped up in my news feed:

It confirmed to me that I wasn't crazy that he was a soul mate, this was a big point with me and why I kept going back. But instead of him being the soul mate for me to marry and spend the rest of my life with he was the soul mate to teach me some lessons. And I was pushed to the brink of nutcase on this one, wanting far too much to believe in what could be instead of just facing what is. I also learned that I still compromised and re-drew that line far too much, that I am not strong enough on who I really am when it comes to filling that aching gaping need inside me, that big burning desire to be LOVED. I am firmly convinced that no one really finds love until they do not NEED it anymore. And the only way to not need it is to love YOURSELF.

Another point this brings up with me is my weight issues, despite the fact that I have been going to the gym and being more active I haven't lost much weight. Main reason is I stress eat, and I sad eat, and I lonely eat, and I want a man eat. That is eat when I am upset or worried and eat when I really want love, that void in there is pretty big and it takes a lot to fill it. I have read some books and articles on the subject but I didn't really get it until today. All weekend long Randy had nagged me on my eating, and I did eat a good bit more than what is the norm for me, blaming it on my allergies and that my body must be craving energy to fight it off and I was so tired too but really I was eating to fulfill the unmet yearnings being with him leaves me, the yearning for true and deep affection and companionship. But this day, this day that I cut myself free of that thing with him that yearning for him and wanting love from him, this day my appetite was down, way down. No cookies for me, I had soup and salad for lunch and my energy was up, way up! I had flipped a switch by deciding that I did not NEED Randy to love me and want to be my mate. Now to remember where that switch is located in case I trip a circuit sometime!

Wednesday I stumbled across an article by Osho called Love or Mutual Masturbation, I love how blunt he is!  It made me again see what I always knew but kept ignoring,  that I had tried to build a relationship around good sex, when we had no hobbies in common, our sleeping and eating schedules did not match, nor how clean we like to keep our surroundings, his messiness is downright unhealthy!. I do not like riding things fast and he does not like going slow enough to see the scenery. And he was never content to go do the things I wanted to do like movies or karaoke or dinner out with friends, he is far too childish to have an adult conversation (and he wonders why people answer his Craigslist ads to go riding then blow him off once they meet him). But both of us out of our deep need to be loved tried to make that proverbial square peg fit in the round hole. I need to get back to the business of loving ME by going out and doing what I love to do, classes at the gym, walking, biking, sightseeing, spending time by the water....and its been so long since I went to a museum! That's what I need to do I told myself. With that in mind, and the unseasonably warm day, when I finished work I headed down to the beach to walk the shore and pick up shells. First I drove by the house on Sunset that I had wanted to buy just to see if they were still there, yep they were. The I drove around looking for other homes for sale with that same view, I am not giving up on that vision that I had of me sitting working from a deck with that view of the bay. Then I went to Cliffwood Beach and walked around and Oh how glorious it was , the sounds of the waves gently lapping were as soothing to my soul as if it were a baby being rocked and sang to in its mothers arms. I guess the earth is my mother though and that is why it soothes my soul so much. I love and nurture myself by spending time in nature. It was Ash Wednesday and the beginning of a new moon--40 days of Lent a time of deep reflection, a time to strip away whatever darkness, confusion, and old patterns cover the sun-the Light- in our hearts. Then, in the spring, we can be reborn into our true nature- our authentic self-on the first full moon in springtime. Yes yes that is what I am going to do. For Lent I give up the NEED to be loved and all the crazy things that need drove me to do.....

Thursday after work I went to see my hospice patient and then to a singles even my friend pulled together. It was the last thing I wanted to do I can't tell you enough how sick I am of the singles scene, especially being an overweight woman over 40. All the men always circle around the few yonger hotter women or the ones in short skirts and high heels. Ugh But then again they just go for that type because of thier own ego insecurities, they want eye candy to show off to thier friends so they look good. I can't tell you how many men I have been a friend and confidante to, who deeply loved me, yet would never date me because of my size. Ahh but does that really matter now? It shouldn't. At any rate I ened up being glad that I went as I talked to a few people who really needed a friend, and were probably feeling a bit insecure themselves. One in particular who really needs help as she is starting a new job, she asked if I had any SpiritStones with me but I did not. I really need to get brave and order some more of those to sell. But anyway I charged her ring for her with some energy and told her to contact me when she gets started as I may trade in my car if I can get a good deal.

Friday I woke up to this in my newsfeed, confirming my task at hand for myself:

contined: http://cassiespath4.blogspot.com/2012/02/2-24-12-learning-to-love-myself-part-2.html

2-21-12 Conditional Love

Our job is unconditional love.

The job of everyone else in our life is to push our buttons.Byron Katie

2-21-12  Conditional Love

Friday bright and early at 5:50 am I got a text from Randy...I'll be there at 6 he said...I told you I need 20 minutes I sent back....OK....he arrived at 6:11am LOL The kid that he is was all excited to get up there. We hit the road and talked and talked and talked like we always do, me doing more listening than talking, but that's ok its always been my personality and I am quite content that way. He looked over at me and asked "do you like me?" and I said sure I like you, we are friends, to which he frowned. I told him now you know get along better that way, leave it be. Then I asked him what he did with the big box of chocolates I got him and he said they were sooo good, he has them next to his bed and eats some everynight. I asked didn't she ask where they came from, he said she hasn't been home. No ? No, not for 2 weeks he said sheepishly. Where did she go? I don't know she split took the dog and left the kids. He said there was something said about going up north to take care of grandma but I am not sure. I asked a series of questions and found out that not only was she and her dog gone but so was all her clothes, half the dishes, all the tolietries, pictures from the wall, and the attic was bare. But the kids were still there and they weren't talking about her at all. I think she left ya I told him.. Maybe he said.. More questions later and I got out of him that she left when he had his vacation scheduled, just a couple weeks after her youngest kid turned 18 and she had threated to do so countless times before. I was speachless. I then asked how are you going to afford to pay  the utilites and the grocery bills for them? I am not he said, the pantry's about bare they will have to start buying food instead of spending money on cigarettes, video games and going out clubbing. I was still floored. I don't care if they are 18 and 21 what kind of mother dissapears on her kids I told him? And how can you afford that electric bill, wasn't it in her name? Has it been paid since she left? Nope, the older boy is gonna have to pay it he said. I also asked about Valentines day, saying that I had felt like my one rose had been pulled from a bigger bouqet. He said no I got her a dozen pink ones, they are still sitting on the table and the cats are eating them. I asked why he got them and he said in case she came home and was mad there was nothing. He then told me the older kid came and gave him an unsigned card and a box of candy and said it was from her. He said he didnt belive it was from her especially since she got him nothing for Christmas. I said I thought you told me she bought you running shoes for Christmas? No I nought them for me and she was supposed to wrap them and pay me back but she didn't. Wow I said...all she got me for my birthday was a box of ding dongs he said and she threw those at me. I had nothing to say about how sad and pathetic I thought it all was. But this is the life he chose over trying to grow and change and get me back. He told me he was glad she was gone though....


We arrived at the hotel shortly after 1 and I wanted to go get lunch, I get ill if I get too far off schedule. But after all the teasing we had done to each other all the way there he wanted some pokey. So we wound up going out for food at 4 and eating in the car as we drove up from St Johnsbury to Island Pond. He wanted to check out the snow conditions as there really wasn't much near the hotel. Before we left I got out a big white SpiritStone and we both held it as I charged it with the intention for snow for him to ride out of the hotel the next morning (I was hoping to be able to have the truck and not be stuck ALL day in the hotel). When we got to Island Pond it looked a bit mushy and not totally frozen so when he wanted me to go for a ride with him I opted to sit in the resteraunt and read my book. He rode for about an hour then came back and got me and rode me a short distance to the bon fire. That was fun we had brownies and tea and watched the snowmobiles come in. I got  video  video2 of that too. We hung out a bit and then went back to the hotel, ordered dinner and hung out in the hot tub some before going to bed. We had two beds but he came over and got in mine with me till I feel asleep. I hoped that I didn't snore and bother him in the night, that was a BIG issue with us when we dated and it drove us apart, he never ever stopped complaining about it instead of us working out solutions. He thinks its silly that I left him over that but he hurt my feelings over it so many times I couldn't stay... Right before bed I asked him, do you think she will come back? Probably he said....

Saturday I woke up before him and saw three snowmobilers heading out the trail behind the hotel and they had no problems, there had been some snow the night before! . I couldn't wait for him to wake up so I could tell him and I peeked over and noticed the ear plugs in his ears. *sigh* he said I didn't snore but I can't imagine him having those in unless I had. Oh well. When he got up we went down to breakfast together and he wound up talking to some other sledders and decided to drive back up to Island Pond to ride. That meant I was stuck all day at the hotel with no car. I didn't really mind though I spent the day online, reading, napping and watching TV, a much needed lazy day. He texted in the early evening Hot Tub at 9pm, I sent back and OK and ordered our dinner of spagetti and meatballs so it would arrive at 8, we could eat and go together. The place called about one and a half hours later to say they were out of pasta!! I called him all upset about 8:45 and he was just arriving back. In the end I had to call a new place then wait for the food while he went to the Hot Tub alone. He didn't stay long though as the place was full of noisy sledders drinking beer and throwing hamburgers around the place like foot balls. So we had a nice evening together but I told him I really do not ever want to move up here, I know we tossed that possiblity around at one point but no way can I deal with the lack of take out or even grocery stores. He said he was seriously re-thinking that himself.

Sunday he woke up and decided that he was going to leave from the hotel. He wanted me to ride with him but looking at that steep hill, and the tales he told of how bumpy the trail had been the day before caused me to chicken out. He was very dissapointed and I told him I was very sorry that I had intended to ride with him a bit on sunday when I told him I wanted to but now in the moment, I was too afraid. It remined me of the summer two years ago when I had come up there with him and chickend out on riding the motorcycle with him. I truly believe if I was meant to ride I would have foumd the courage, he does take awful risks, and rides really fast and he told me himself he is afraid to ride alone anymore, picturing himself injured along the trail and no one finding his body for days. But anyway we had decided to go home that day instead of stay till monday due to the lack of snow and I was glad. The plan was I was going to hang at the room till 1pm then pack the trucj and hang in the lobby by the fireplace with my book while he rode and then we'd head home about 4pm. I had saved half of my dinner from the night before to eat for lunch and was quite content with the plan. But he wasn't gone even a hour when the phone rang, his sled had broken down and I had to get the truck and go pick him up. He was very dissapointed about it breaking down yet again as he had put so much money into it. We drove around and saw some scenery in the truck and he told me he really thinks he's about done and tired of riding and he may give it up, or at least go back to just one sled and come less often and he's pretty darn sure he won't move up here now when he retires.

Later in the day we went to eat lunch before heading home, as we started to walk into the resteraunt he reached for my hand, I started to take it but he was walking too fast and I hadn't been feeling well the whole trip. I said no I do not want to hold your hand I don't want to start acting like that when so much is unsettled. What I was really thinking was when you haven't told me you want to find a way for us to live together now. He looked really sad about it but I just wasnt feeling like budging. So I started in on him about her and he better think about if he wants her back or not and if he does he needs to call and apologize and try to do better, that he could have fixed things with me if he had tried but he didn't. He again said that he just sits back and ends up with what comes to him he has no choices and I said no you DO have choices but you are stubborn and you let them pass you by. We started to head home and he kept talking about the snowmoblie should he fix it, ditch it replace it what, I talked about the kind of man I hoped to find and how I wanted to spend my life near the shore. I gave him the snow SpiritStone though and told him to keep it in his snowmobile jacket to always bring him snow and also to keep him save. We stopped at a Power sports store and he got his eye on a new snowmobile there and I knew what he was going to end up doing.... He then started to comment on how no one had texted or called him all weekend. He was kinda worried about that too so I told him why doesn't he check in? He said oh I bet when I get home she's there. I rolled my eyes. We spent a good deal of the ride home just poking each other's buttons, I honestly don't know why we keep doing this to one another, or should I say I don't know why I do this to him. I have spent all this time growing and evolving and changing and ask any of my really close friends they will say that I have, but when it comes to Randy I still act like a child, and insecure, messed up, totally guarded child. When he dropped me off I was so annoyed with him that when he said see you soon I said No you won't please leave. He did with out a word and the next day when I told him sorry that I had broken my promise to not get mad at him anymore he just said something snotty and I said something snottier back. Ugh I am so ashamed of my behavior. But here we are two people dangling our hearts on a string, keeping them from one another, wanting to be sure all conditions are correct for us to share them. Then again I think I have every right to dangle mine after the way he's treated me, but he thinks the same of me..... *sigh* I know there are lessons here yet for me to learn.......and I shall pray for guidance for that bigger issue. I know it will come... Mary says thought that I kept reacting so guardedly because he never was totally honest with me and he never behaved fully like a grown up relationship so that makes me feel better. But all I can do is try to find the lesson and keep moving onward with my life.

Today I want you to look at your life and your relationships and see where your are loving conditionally, or where you are pushing buttons of the ones that you really do love but just can't seem to show it or let go and feel it and go with the flow of love...... It's a tought thing to do, to just Love and be Loved, no strings attached.........but its by far the most important thing you ever do.....


With Love and in the Light,  Cassie

RIP Whitney Houston 

I Will Always Love You Official Music Video
http://youtu.be/8QaI-M9sxW4

2-17-12 Melting A Cold Cold Heart

The truth is that there is only one terminal dignity - love. And the story of a love is not important - what is important is that one is capable of love. It is perhaps the only glimpse we are permitted of eternity.
Helen Hayes, 1900-1993

 

2-17-12  Melting A Cold Cold Heart

Monday after work I went to the Nursing home to see my hospice patient. She seemed a little agitated as always, worrying over things that she wasn't able to communicate and then crying some. She did get a big smile as I was saying goodbye to her when I told her to have a Happy Valentines Day the next day. I wished she'd let go so she could go home to her husband and spend the day with him, but she is not yet ready to let go, she has said that before, I am not ready to go yet is very clear in her mumblings. I had texted Randy before going in there that I had used all my fish pills and that I was 50% better, good he had replied I will bring you more. While driving home he called me and told me all about his snowmobiling trip and how much this guy had put him down but how in the end his expensive and new snowmobile had broken down and he had to give him a ride and look up how to fix it and repair it in the parking lot at the hotel. He was all proud of himself but he swore to never ride with that guy again. Looks like I am going to get to go to Vermont next weekend and he said yes he'd rather spend the weekend with me. He talked to me all the way home and while I was unpacking my mail, I told him oh goody your V-day gift arrived! He sounded displeased, and I knew him well enough to know why, because now he HAS to go out and get me something, not because he doesnt care but because he doesn't like to spend the money. I didn't say one way or the other just commented that it wasn't nice to act that way when I had just excitedly told him I got him a gift , he mumbled something about geezee it's tomorrow and geezzee I need to work on my sled but I just ignored it.

Meanwhile back at home and there was much hustle and bustle in my home and noise from the basement. turns out one of my roommates had turned my basement into a tattoo parlor and was giving someone a tattoo down there. I asked Jeremy about it and who did Ed think he was and Jeremy said he's not hurting anything and he's trying to make his rent money for ya before you go away....couldn't argue with that I guess. LOL I started wondering if I should get brave and get one.... In the evening I worked some on my blog edits but kept getting distracted by facebook, one of Jeremy's old friends from our old town, a cute boy who adopted me as his Mom had posted something and I replied to it teasing him about a new job, then he posted he liked boys and I knew someone was messing with his site so I texted him and said either you came out of the closet or someones on your account, he got upset called me and dealt with it then texted me later saying the other guy was acting like a dick, I said no he's acting like himself LOL This whole thing amused me to no end though and made me feel glad to have these boys, who seem like family, as a part of my life. Oh and also my older boy Dustin had written me that day as well asking for some guidance on if any of my friends could help him to invest this lump sum payment he was getting from the Air Force. See he knows who his mom is even if we don't see eye to eye on religion... I went to bed that night feeling pretty good, watched part of the move Valentines Day and drifted to sleep......and just after midnight my phone woke me going drrrroooooiiiiiddddd.....

When I woke up in the morning my first thought was now who the heck texted me after midnight? It had been Randy wishing me a Happy Valentine's Day! Now how do you respond to a just after midnight, just after you got into deep sleep Happy Valentine's Day text? Well with a soon as you wake up and read it just after 5am Happy Valentines day text of course! LOL I waited all day to hear from him.....finally when I got home at 5 I saw he had texted at 4:15 (on his way to work) . It said I love You, HAPPY VALENTINES DAY. I was torn between feeling good about the I love you and annoyed that he had to wait till he was not with his family so he could then text me. I was slightly indignant and very sad about that for me AND for them, recalling how I felt when I was his girlfriend and he snuck and called his ex-GF when he was at work or late at night on holidays after I had gone to sleep. I didn't want to say I love you back, I didn't want to feel I love you back, loving him means pain to me because I am still at the point of loving someone means I want to BE with them, and no one can BE with Randy he's too free for that. I settled for You Do? Are you sure? LOL...his reply: Uh happy holiday C U tonite.....I couldn't resist one poke and replied what happened you sent the message to the wrong person? No duh he replied so I said OK c u 9:30....and my phone rang and it was Mary checking on me, she was really hoping that he would get me something for V-day and she was calling to see if he had. I told her maybe, that he was sneaking over after work, probably telling them he had extra deliveries for V-day. I told her he said he loved me and she said he does love you with Randy love, which always leaves you wanting. Yup I know I told her, not worries. TODAY he's what I have..in the future I hope God brings me more but I am going to be grateful today for what I do have. Besides I told her each sandpaper moment I get through with him smooths off a few of my rough edges, I am finally learning to just let things go and not start fights over it. Good she said very good. And I told her my philosophy on guys:

when a woman is in her teens or 20's the advice is Guys are like buses, there's always another one coming around soon.  But when a woman is in her 50's like I am, men are more like an old car, sure its old and its rusty, it breaks down often and it doesn't get you as far as you want to go but if you get rid of it you won't have anything to get you anywhere! Better to keep it around till something better comes along.....ya ya sounds kinda sad, but it's practical and its living in the moment with gratitude for what you do have.... After that I went online to finish my Birthday posts, I go around to each profile my main one and my spiritual one and my cassies caldendar one and wished people Happy Birthday. One I noticed someone from my calender site, who wasn't as old as me it said she had passed on, that was surprising and I thought about how annoying she could be at events, it made me pause wish I had been nicer to her. I read a few more posts and then noticed people talking about the Google Doodle for V-day  so I went to check it out, it really got to me I gotta say, I really could relate to the girl with the cold cold heart, but as you can see it wasn't gifts she wanted all she really wanted was for the boy to spend time and play with her.

I went to bed to wait for Randy and watched the movie Valentine's Day, course that just got me all stirred up on love and romance and the lack thereof in my life. The movie ended and he still wasn't there, I was just abu to text him that I was going to sleep when he showed up. He was 45 min late, but then again he was a UPS driver and it was Valentines Day. He came in with tales of late night floral deliveries, teddy bears and candies and bearing gifts..... 

I noticed that the one rose was silk and one was real, it was already dead, probably hidden in his truck from her, and who knows maybe plucked from a larger buouquet that he got for her. I gave him his very large box of candy and he was really happy with it, I told him I guess we better dump them in  a bag I don't know how you can hide this in your truck. He said he wasn't gonna he was going to take it in the house. I hadn't been in the mood for pokey but I did anyway, and he was especially attentive and stayed till past midnight. I did find out he had worked all day at Sears and that's the reason I didn't hear from him till after 4 so that made me feel better too. We also talked about Vermont, I asked were we going and he hemmed and stalled but I held my temper.... I reminded him he was supposed to give me a final answer yesterday. He went though all the reasons to go to Maine with the guys opposed to Vermont with me. In the end I told him he had 24 more hours and then I was making other plans.

The next day my buddy Mike called me, I had asked him to help my son make some investments plans and he said he was going to reply via e-mail soon. So I asked his advice on the Randy thing, and he reminded me that if i am in this I gotta take him as is, he said once he makes up his mind do not get mad if he don't want to take you but if he does, even if its at the last minute go, if you have no better plans.I really hate how you guys are I told him, yeah we suck don't we? Suck it up and deal or walk! he said. I spent spme time going over the meetup calender and found some things to do, I had a 4 day weekend and I was going to enjoy it somehow I thought. So after work when I ran some errands this was on my mind a good bit till finally I just said to the Universe I don't care, I just don't care whatever happens is fine. My phone went drrroooiiiiddd. It was Randy, the text said: would you like to go to Maine with me? I think my whole body smiled, he had thought of a compromise. Sure I said you're driving don't matter to me where ya take me (its all snow to me I thought) LOL. He texted the name of the place to reserch and I told him I would do it soon as I got home. He called later and we discussed it, then he went back the idea of Vermont, thinking of the 11 hr drive Maine would be. So I told him well if you go with that dude you can go with him, then he went on about how it was no fun to share a hotel room with him, he missed me and if we  went to Vermont he could ride me around to see some scenery. Whatever you want to do I told him, but know I will not ride for long hours or very fast.. He then asked what did I want, I told him I had found some things to do here and whatever he decided was fine. His call waiting beeped and he said he'd let me know. I was telling Adele, my new Reiki pen pal and she said my goodness he's a mess isn't he? Yup I said, but I understood, to him riding as fast as he could for as long and he can in the frozen wilderness is his love, but that's because he too has a cold cold heart and that's how he deals..... It's so much easier to deal when you understand....

Thursday after work I was finishing up packing for Vermont and telling Jeremy I was pretty sure I was going in the morning. Pretty sure he asked raising an eyebrow at me. Yeah you know how Randy is, but last night he was pretty much deciding he'd go with me. It was just after that I got a text and he wanted to know if I could be ready to leave at 6am. I thought about it and said sure, just text me when you wake up. I doupted he'd get up that early and even if he did I'd throw on a sweatsuit and go, I could nap in the truck if I wanted to. He texted a bit and then ended up calling all excited about our trip and that he was bringing TWO snowmobiles so that I can also ride with him! I had plans for me, my Kindle and the fireplace at the hotel but I told him I would give it a try if a flat place and for a short while. He also said he wanted to go out to dinner at this restraunt and he wanted to go on the sleds, I said after dark I wasnt gonna drive but I would ride on the back. He's like a kid how excited he is, and he finally confessed that he's getting scared about riding the trails alone, he keeps having this vision of breaking down and being stranded. Propbably his guardian angels warning him to be careful! LOL I had drug out my last baggie of SpiritStones, I had the idea to seed the whole ride up there but this made me think of also "planting" some along the VAST trails too. Might be a good idea.... So there you have it, I am heading to Vermont tommorow, with my friend. Randy's real happy I don't fight with him anymore and he's behaving much better because of it. I told him now that I just expect him to be my friend and not my boyfriend I lost all the expectations I had of ya. Good he said.....we'll see how good it is when I start looking for a motorcycle guy this spring. LOL But hey thats not today, today I am just going to enjoy what is.......

So today I want you to think about what it takes to melt a cold cold heart.....just a little peaceful time together, side by side just playing and enjoying and no worries no expectations and just loving with ease. It's not about what you spend ON a person either but more about the quality time you spend WITH them.....how many hearts can you work on melting? And have you started on yours???

With Love and in the Light,  Cassie

 "Cold Cold Heart"

I've tried so hard my dear to show
That you're my every dream
Yet you're afraid each thing I do
Is just some evil scheme

A memory from your lonesome past
Keeps us so far apart
Why can't I free your doubtful mind
And melt your cold cold heart

Another love before my time
Made your heart sad an' blue
And so my heart is paying now
For things I didn't do

In anger unkind words are said
That make the teardrops start
Why can't I free your doubtful mind
And melt your cold cold heart

There was a time when I believed
That you belonged to me
But now I know your heart is shackled
To a memory

The more I learn to care for you
The more we drift apart
Why can't I free your doubtful mind
And melt your cold cold heart

2-13-12 Infinite Love

 Only the soul knows what Infinite LOVE is.
Rumi ♥

2-13-12 Infinite Love

So Friday late morning just after I got the last blog up my phone rang and it was Randy. He said can ya talk I got a story to tell ya, I said I can work and listen so he proceeded with his tale. He had decided to save the money and drive up to meet the guy for the trip up to Vermont this morning. When he arrived the guy criticized the age of his sled, the brokenness of his trailer, the messiness of his truck, the age of this truck, the old jacket he had and went on and on and said he can't make it on the Maine trip with old broken down stuff like that. Now I know what Randy has and I generally *think* the same thing but I don't say so, he's content with what he's got so be it. Randy said this guy is a real prick, a Virgo, I should have known. I reminded him that I am a Virgo and this is why he and I didn't get along.... Anyway long story short he got in his own truck and was driving up there alone and he said maybe he better just go to Vermont with me next weekend and not go to Maine with those guys. I felt bad that once again he found another friend who ended up not wanting to play with him due to the shabbiness of his clothes and toys, it was like re-living his painful childhood all over again. I wished that I had money to buy him all new stuff...... SMACK! stop it Cassie, it is NOT your job to mother the whole world I reminded myself. He called a second time in the afternoon wanting to ditch the guy all together and go to a different hotel and now answer his phone. I told him that would be mean, he says well the guy acts like he's 13! I had to stifle a giggle, and said well you act like you are 12 and you know it so you two boys need to stop picking at each other and get along. You tell me ALL the time how sad you are that you have no one to ride with, that you are all alone, well not being alone is about having a relationship and that means compromise.........try it...he grumbled but said ok.

I worked through the day and got a lot of work done, however I was still behind. So behind that I had bad dreams that night that my boss wished I was faster. I know he's happy with me, and I know that I give 200%, I gotta find a way to let go of this so it doesn't haunt me. It's just so hard though I am one of those people who has a deep sense of responsibility to get the job done at all costs. But I did turn my computer off at the end of the day and not work late, if I am still level 1 and can't get promoted I have to use the rest of my hours to earn extra money.. I planned to spend my evening working on my blog #1 edits so that I can self publish it but first I had a yearning for shrimp so I headed out to the store for some, my gut steered me right to a store that had my favorite on sale. I called Randy one more time to check on him since he had been so upset, he was at the hotel and he did end up sharing with that guy, he didn't want to talk long, said he'd call later and I said no need have fun....

Saturday I met my friend at the Garden State Home show, she wants to remodel her house and wanted some ideas and I was bored so I went to keep her company. LOL After we went for Pizza and to see a move and then for coffee and dessert! What a long day, I had also went to the gym earlier. It was good though we did a lot of talking about the men and relationships in our lives. She told me though that she thinks I am mean to Randy, she reads my blog and she said that when he came to bring me the fish pills it was nice of him and I had to go and say I wish I had a boyfriend, reminding him that it is NOT him. Course she said, I don't see how you put up with things the way they are and I told her he is a FRIEND now. She said I was only fooling myself on that point that I love him and he loves me. She said that I need to give him an ultimatum, I explained to her why that would never work with him. She said that I need to either walk away completely or I need to accept him exactly the way he is. She said this idea of your mate being your best friend and doing so many things together is nice, and it does exist, but its very rare and she said having separate hobbies is not the worst thing in the world. I told her all the things that Mary has told me about him and how our relationship would be if I choose him, how he would grow in time if I were by his side and she said that didn't sound too bad. I told her though most of all I want just two things from a man, all the rest I have myself. A good sex life and a house. LOL  I came home and I texted him, are you still alive I asked, I had texted him about lunch time and he didn't reply which is typical when he's playing, yup was all he said. An hour later, nervous he was having fun and possibly going to blow me off for the following weekend I sent: you ignored my text earlier, i get a one word reply now is it safe to assume i am not going with you next weekend? I got a one word reply- not to which he got a one word reply - FINE..... then he sent- you be ready. I really should know better by now than communicate with him via text......

Sunday my angel card of the day was: Divine Timing  and the quote that popped in my news feed was: You that turn stones to gold, change me. Rumi ♥ and then my friend posted this:

 so the powers that be were working on me again, pointing me to him again and I knew it. It's true, I have the god given power to turn my SpiritStones to something wonderful, being with me, the example I set he would follow, its not like he's an uncaring jerk it's just he's never had a good example to follow. And it's true that the many reasons that I get upset with him is that he doesn't meet some perceived NEED that I have, some requirement, like the application to be my mate is like submitting a resume and unless you have the keywords you get tossed.Yes he's still in the friend zone but I really am going to work more on unconditional loving and accepting of him just the way he is. My needs are not his responsibility, nor anyone else's.........they are God's and he will meet them as he sees fit.....because he loves me and I must trust more in THAT Love.

Today, instead of running and searching to find that elusive perfect love, or whatever love you feel you lack that is possibly making you sad for Valentines Day tomorrow   I want you to remember to love the people that you have in your life NOW. Let go of your ego's longings and love unconditionally, and that means yourself as well. Love yourself before you loose those extra pounds, or get that promotion or stop that nasty habit and love the people in your life even if they don't show up every time that you feel you need them there or if they snore or if they want pizza and you want hot dogs for dinner. Stop it already and just LOVE who and what shows up, just the way they show up. Then and only then will you have love the NEVER leaves, then you will know the real meaning of infinite love...........

With Love and in the Light,  Cassie

When ego disappears,
Unconditional Love appears.

2-10-12 Light for the Longings

Full moon calls to the heart - Tell me what you ache for. And the heart whispers to the full moon- silver secrets and iridescent dreams. What are the dreams you left behind- the places you have not gone, the life you have not lived? Tell the moon. She will listen, and light your way. Bring out from the moon shadows what longs to be lived.   Oriah Mountain Dreamer

 2-10-12  Light for the Longings

Tuesday I went to the office and had a ton of stuff to do. My associates had done some stuff when I was out but not everything that I do. I also had a lot of requests for stuff to do and I pushed back on some of it. I have been driving myself too hard and making myself sick in the process and now that I know I am never going to get promoted I have no desire to go all the extra miles for this company. Even when I slow down I am still doing the work of 3 people for them, I do not feel guilty anymore for pushing back. Now the question remains, will they see the light and promote me or will I get traded to a new group? For now I am leaving this one to the Universe...

I was supposed to have a coffee date with a guy from Craigslist after work but I asked him if we could push it back to Friday, I needed to go to the gym and to the library. He didn't even reply to me at all. I really hate going through all the creeps and the jerks and the losers to find one descent guy to date from the online ads, yet still it seems to be the best place to find someone, all the guys who come to meetup there are 6 or 8 other women there before me per guy and most of them do not want a relationship that is why they are out at meetup every night. Also it's hard to wade through a cesspool of human sludge and not come out stinking yourself on the other side, which is what's wrong with most singles today, they are all jaded, and justifiably so. I like most everyone else on the dating scene these days expect the worst , and thats really no way to do it, because you do get what you expect. I am still working on the answer to that problem. ...

At lunchtime I went to my wallet to get money out and it seemed to me that $100 was missing. It haunted me all afternoon, I do keep my purse locked up at home now but there is one key hidden in the box where my angel cards are, I figured anyone who would look at those wouldn't steal from me. It bugged me and bugged me and I got to thinking how I kept smelling pot, not for real but as a warning, and then I recalled that Jeremy's friend who always drove him to the place to buy had been down last night... Yet I didn't want to believe my own son would take money from me now, when I am so desperate in need for it. I prayed dear angels, please show me who took my money.......and my phone rang.....it was jeremy and I felt that meant it was him. He seldom calls me during the day but he called to tell me he had made the call to unemployment. I of course confronted him and he of course denied it, but when I said I always keep my purse locked up but you must have found where I hid the spare key he went silent. I can't begin to tell you the sadness of this betrayal was. Not that he hasn't stolen from me before, but it was worse now, in Flemington he had been surrounded by rich kids who regularly took money from thier parents but now we lived in a new area and I had hoped the examples of the boys he hangs with now would teach him something...

I went home and changed and went right back out to the gym, not even waiting to talk to him. It bugged me and bugged me not knowing what was truth, I was too close to this problem to trust my hunches, so I texted Mary. I got a text back right away but it was not her it was Randy, he said he had some "fish pills" for me, he's worried about my heart and thinks they will help. We, being distrustful of doctors and not having extram money for co-pays and extra visits and sometimes not even having any insurance, have been using these for years when we think we have infections. He thinks its my overactive sinusus that are over taxing my heart and causing the squeezing, I am sure there is truth to that. Anyway.... he said he was bringing them over when he got off work and I said good. Between then and when he came Mary texted and said yes he did take my money but to go easy on him he's a good boy. When Randy came he said that he "didn't see it" and if he had taken that much he would have seen it and I know him well enough to know that he is right. The next day Mary said if he took any in his mine he was not stealing only borrowing and in the end I decided to let it go. Fear of lack has me off kilter in this area.

It was really nice to see Randy though, he came in and layed on my bed with me, he always looks so cute in his UPS uniform and I rolled over and hugged him and he smelled so good. I told him this is what I want a nice smelling boyfriend to come home to me at night. He said he could be that boyfriend and I said no you can't you live over there with THEM, and he said but I like coming home to you, they ignore me, playing video games or drinking with buddies, she don't even look at me or talk to me they are all just using me for a place to live. I cut him off and asked about snowmobiling--- that story led to something I don't like, this weekend he is going with his new friends to Vermont and next weekend he is supposed to got and take me, I have even already started packing! BUT....now he says they are going to Maine for those 4 days and he may want to go with them. I didn't get mad, I understood why he wanted to go when he explained it, its so rare for him to find people to ride with, and his vacation had been cut short... So I said well I guess I will start unpacking, and darn it I cancelled my workshop and offered my ticket I had already bought for Mardi Gras, I wonder if I can get that back??  But he said no no just wait I am not sure yet if I want to go with them, I have to see how this weekend goes


Wednesday I was working from home and the cat did his usual trick of sleeping on the rug NEXT to the bed that I bought for him see:

I do not understand why he does this! Its a nice soft warm bed! So I texted Randy and showed him the picture and I asked him to use his powers and tell the cat to get in his bed. I focused on my work and then 10 minutes later I looked and he was in his bed! see other picture:

I texted with Randy later and said did you do that? Yup was his reply. I thanked him and then he reminded me to take my "fish pills". After work I took Jeremy to buy his groceries for the week and he even bought us some Kentucky Fried Chicken for dinner. Then later in the evening I sat there and got to thinking and feeling so sad and lonely and then I texted Randy whining and complaining about how lonely I was and how unfair it all is that she who does not appreciate him or treat him well gets to live with him and I am left alone, it got so bad that he called me and we talked awhile. I told him he needs to tell the universe that he does not want me so that I can be free. We talked a long time the details I won't get into but he thinks I am too picky and I want too much from a guy and I should just pick one already. He really had me bugging out for a bit but just before bed my reading from Adele came, you can read it below if you really want to know or if you want to learn how reading work. But all in all the answer is the same, the universe is working on it, so work on ME and do what I LOVE and find my own passion. Yes I would be unhappy if committed to a man who would leave me on Valentines weekend to go to Maine with the guys, and he would be unhappy with a woman who would want him to spend it with her instead of going with the guys.....

Thursday I ordered three big 28 ounce heart shaped boxes of chocolates, one for each of my son's and one for Randy, because friend or not I do love him. When I texted Dustin to verify his current address he spouted something about not sending him something that he hates this Hallmark , comercial holiday and he doesn't want anything and I should invest the money instead. I sent the gift before I read the second message and I told him too late and if he hated the gift that much he can take it to work and share with the guys in his shop. Oh his is too young to be so cranky that boy! He has spent way too much time with my cranky old Dad! LOL I do not get the whole hate Valentines Day thing at all! One of my friends posted in the Spiritual group some link about Occupy Valentines Day! My God what are they going to complain about, or tell us we are doing wrong next? This was my reply to that comment:

personally i really apreciate V-day-   i hope to get a box of chocoltes or a dinner out

but i am sure to GIVE a box of chocolates to those that i love-- i was blessed with an ad purchase and the fact that walmart.com takes pay pal and got my sons and my favorite man friend a box each

and sure it should be everyday but i kinda like the idea that there is a day dedicated to showing love,

its sad but true that we get so busy with life that we foget the things we should do every day

but that to me is what holidays were made for- V-day, christmas, easter, 4th of july- the world gives us permisson to slow down and take a moment to give and to enjoy.............as we evolve we will learn to give this permision to ourselves on ANY day.....sadly the planet isnt there yet

I find it deeply saddening that some choose this day to feel sorry for themselves and look at what they lack or what they desire (and I too have cried a few tears on many a V-day so no judgement here)

But yes I am very very thankful for V-day and I wont get involved in anything that has Occupy in the title, I am not here to sit around and try to make anyone see my point of view on any matter, I am here to get up and live my life in the best way that i can so that others may want to get up and come join in the fun

and that's all I got to say about that....

Thursday night I was so bone tired weary from work, there is so much to do that my work flow gives me chest pains every time I look at it! I had to cancel my appointment with my trainer that night and stay home and lay on the couch, somethings gotta give I am not giving up my life and my health for that place! Randy also called to talk to me for a bit, Jeremy had called him during the day asking to borrow a caulking gun and he had said he had to look for it, it may be broken and besides he was leaving for Vermont. Jeremy had said ok just when you can get to it please do....so Randy fearing I would get mad (and thusly he wouldn't get laid) called me to explain how he was leaving and probably going up that night to Morristown to sleep in a hotel room as the guy he was going with wanted to leave at 8am the next day. I was incredulous that he had $60 to spend on a room so he could save an hours sleep but yet he never has money to take me out to dinner, and I will be shocked if he gets me anything or takes me out for V-day. Yes this is the reason he is a friend and not my mate, I do deserve better. I love him but again I must love me more and know that I deserve to be treated better than this. I begged off the phone call due to the noise in his truck and didn't feel at all sad about him, or about my single hood on yet another approaching V-day. I know the universe loves me and is working on this for me....

Friday my angel card of the day was Focus and that is just what I intend to do. Focus on the love that is in my life and focus on the love I wish to share and to attract. I know that it will come to me and I also know that I am pretty lucky right now too.

Today I want you to focus on the good things and the love that you DO have. Do not behave like little children sitting in your bed crying and afraid of the shadows in your room, you choices: Hide under the covers and hope things will change, call out for help so that someone comes and saves your from the shadows or turn on the light and see there really are no shadows and you are just fine! Only light will lead you to where you want to go.....step into it and get on your way!

With Love and in the Light, Cassie



Reading:
I'm doing your reading to answer your question if Randy is a friend or mate.

Here's what I get:
Archangel Chamuel - Beloved one
Archangel Michael - Remember Who You Are
Archangel Haniel - Passion

This is interesting considering the question is about Randy.  My answer is going to be friend...Here's why:

The first card says "I am helping you with your spiritual soul mate relationship." What I feel from this is that you're in a discovery phase right now and aligning yourself with spiritual guidance as well as spiritual knowledge. I feel as though this "soul mate" is you, that Arch Chamuel is helping you find and love you. Call upon him for guidance and help because he can help you find your self love as well as the love that your heart desires.

What's interesting is this leans right into the 2nd card which is "You are powerful, loving and creative child of God. You are very loved." You're bright, beautiful and stronger than you think you are.  You need to almost use this card's message as a daily affirmation. I also hear that you need to pause for a moment, quiet your mind and uncover what you feel about Randy.  Are you in love with Randy or the idea of Randy.  The reason that they are asking that is because you're losing sight of yourself... which plays back into the spiritual/the first card.  It's important for us to be true to our real core selves FOR EVERYTHING - work, love, self love, spiritual, etc...

The third card really sums this up AND ties in the other reading I did for you.  The card reads "Trust and follow your renewed passion in your love life and career." So if you follow this in steps like action items when you love you, you're going to discover your heart and soul's passion.  You're partially there.. look at what you uncovered about work.  You're not passionate about love right now. What I mean by passionate is what burns inside of you, what moves you what makes you tick, what makes you love... do you know? Stop at nothing... find YOUR passions. As yourself "what do I want?"

NOW.. with the reading I had yesterday.  We are all coming into alignment with new energy this energy is a new learning process for us.  This is a year of discovery of emotions, true self and getting rid of the things (energy, people, etc...) that are not good for you.  Distance yourself from the people that consume your energy.  Protect your energy, shield, cut cords and cleanse your energy daily.  What I really think is interesting is though we're going through different things... my life is changing around me.  I'm looking around and realizing that EVERYTHING I know is different than how it was 3 months ago! I've pushed/backed away from people that come to me for help but do not want to help themselves, people that do not respect me, and people that just simply take me for granted.  I never would have imagined I'd be in this sort of "ok what do I have to do because change is coming and its right around the corner..." situation.

So with all that said... I think that you should just find some quiet time and as yourself: How do you feel about Randy? and What do you want? I think you'll be surprised what you find out....

HUGS and Love!
Adele

my reply:

I love Randy for many reasons, and he is spiritually gifted too which is a very rare find- when together both our our powers are even stronger and together its truly amazing

BUT

Randy is still a little childlike and selfish and doesn't want to move forward he thinks he's fine the way he is

so he comes to me we are both hugely happy then he disappoints me in some way--- his childlike personality delights me at other times    -- but i guess the bottom line is he always puts himself first before me, then again he thinks i should do the same..

I love him and I want him to want to grow up a little and be more giving and committed IF he wants me

I hear you on the change, I have been going through quite a bit of change myself these past few years.....and I am almost there....  I guess I kinda know its not quite my time to have THE relationship of my dreams, not just yet.....but i did want to know if it was to be Randy or someone else...........I guess I need to think more on the question   what do I want, what will keep my passion burning for the distance

Her last reply:

Well that does make more sense. Because I really kept hearing that she needs to be true to herself.  Guys are so blind sometimes - they don't see the wonderful thing they have in front of them and when they finally do, it's always too late. Don't lose your boundary... that you want him to grow up and be more giving and committed. The best advice I've ever been given is don't put more into a relationship than what you are getting back.  I'm not saying that you shouldn't reach out from time to time and stick your foot in the water to test the temperature... I did it with John. But, the more you give,... the less effort they have to put forth.  You deserve to be committed to and you deserve endless and copious amounts of love... in every fathomable and mind blowing way ;). 

Hugs, smiles and love!
Adele

2-6-12 Circling Round and Round

"Everything the Power does, it does in a circle."
~Lakota Proverb ~

—

2-6-12  Circling Round and Round

Friday after work I took Jeremy to run some errands and get a few groceries. I had put a good deal of the rent money to a couple of bills and got money orders at the post office for them so I have very little for groceries. I tried to get Jeremy to buy some things for himself, point out good deals on things he liked but he declined, finally admitting he needed to keep what was left on his card for the days he would be away at his friends house. I realized he would need money for that, and he had bought milk and a few things at the dollar store so I eased up on him. Driving home though we talked about him getting a job now and he agreed that it wasnt wise to try to wait and go to school next fall. I went to bed that night doing my best to keep the money fears at bay,

Saturday I had my first event with the new fitness meetup, I have started a walking group, or rather re-started the one I tried to start last year this time. It was quite succesful, 9 people came and we had a lovely time and many high hopes for future walks. Three of us even went to eat breakfast at the diner after. They were so greatful for a group for people who can't keep up with the regular groups, and also allows dogs and kids. I saw a need and I filled it! That makes me so happy. I came home, ran Jeremy up to Bridgewater then came home and took a nap.

Randy came over at 6, we were supposed to go out and "get some food" together as he calls it but neither of us was hungy. So we sat and we talked and he told me all about his new buddy he may go snowmobiling with next weekend. A few things he said, and a gut hunch told me that guy may blow him off but I said nothing hoping that I was wrong. Since we didn't want to eat I said well I could ue a back rub, I am stressed and been having chest pains that scare me so we went in my room and he promised we would go out to eat later......... We had some fun and then we talked about many things, one thing being that I have been "smelling Pot" lately. Not that someone was smoking pot but the smell when there is a spirit around me trying to get my attention. My grandma used to always have me smell cookies baking, my ex husband would blow cigarette smoke in my face. So I asked him did he see anyone around me trying to get my attention and he timidly said yeah and described my Grandma perfectly even though he had never even seen a picture of her. I asked him if she was saying anything and he said he can't hear her. It ticks me off to no end how that family he lives with put him down and was freaked out by his gift and he has supressed it so much. I know in my heart he was meant to work with me and we could have done great things to help many.......but anyway.....my next statement was OMG my GRANDMA see us naked and in bed??

So that freaked me just a little but then I got over it. Then he was getting up so he could go to the restroom and we talked about maybe going out to eat then but when he got up I noticed he looked like he could use some more fun so I promised to take care of that when he got back...... But then he picked up his phone and he said they were texting him looking for him so I said fine- GO. MY happy mood and any shred of desire to be with him went out the window. As he was leaving I said well see I wasn't greey I saved some for "the wife", he didn't like that one bit, not one bit at all and said I was being mean, very mean. I hadn't said it mean or angry I just said it, he really does get his cake and eat it too with what he's got here I did tell him though again he is just my friend who comforts me, I am looking for a boyfriend still. We are going to Vermont together in a couple weeks, I so need to rest and relax and have a change of scenery. I will go and for those few days it will be just us, well just us and his snowmobile! LOL .....but for 4 days ONLY that's all I can steal of him, it will do...

Sunday I woke up inspired to give three free angel card readings to my Angel group in facebook. I had ment to do them monday when I was off but three people asked right away so I did them and they were very pleased with the readings. After that I went to the gym and ran some errands amd came home to shower. When I looked at myself in the mirror and sucked in my stomach I could see it move up! It IS getting smaller!  I spent the afternoon doing computer work then in the evening I went to a big Super Bowl Party with one of my friends Meetup groups.  It was fun but not hugely fun, when I went to the restroom after the halftime show I checked my phone, there was a text from Randy saying he was so bored and how to people stand to watch football. I laughed and said well did you at least like Madonna? He replied that was awesome. I told him I got free food buffet and a free t-shirt but none of the guys were looking at me they were all watching the game. He replied that if he were there he would be looking at me....ya  ya ya sweet talker he is, I don't fall for that anymore, not since he told me he learned it as a technique to get women that we are seduced from our ears....

Monday I found one more person who wanted an angel reading for a new relationship she was in, she offered to read me in exchange so I did it for her. It's good to barter with people I am trying to teach everyone I know to do more of that. Anyway I told her I wanted to know if I should go to school and finish my degree like my boss said I would need to do to move up. I then went and mailed something that I had sold on E-bay and got some boxes to pack up a few other items that I plan to sell. I was having lunch with Mary that afternoon and in a quiet moment the angels told me to tell her that the only thing that is keeping her from having more money (she has had some money concerns for some time now) is Fear and that she needs to clear that out and she certainly knows someone who can barter services with her to take care of that. I told her this when I saw her and she said she knows that I am right. Then we talked about me, there was much to cover... First we talked about Randy and she said it was good that I am going to Vermont with him and that is why my grandma was there because she likes him, but she said when I get back to keep looking for another mate, because despite how much the whole universe wants he and I together he is still being stubborn and proably will never be the man I need him to be. Thats alot for her to say because she always rooted for he and I , she said she wanted to text him to tell him to get me something for Valentines day because we know he won't but she resisted. I said I don't care anymore I gave up thinking he would ever give me anything long ago and I told her I told him I am looking for a new guy. I just want a man to buy me a house and give me some stability and when she asked me could I live in his house if he fixes it up and I said I don't think that I could, not after they had been there and ruined it. But he could rent that one and buy a new one for us.....then I said STOP I am tired of trying to figure out things with him tired tired tired of it. SO then we talked about my descion to get my degree and the road blocks I am having and she said you don't really want to do this do you? And I said no I don't I really want to spend my life being a healer, but the corporate job gives me the stability that I need. So we went round and round till I came to this descion. I do not want to get my degree now anymore than I did when I  was in college, or when my youngest started school and I was married or when I first got my J&J job and they offered tuition re-embursment. The answer I always go back to is NO I do not what a degree and I don't think I should have to have one when I work so hard and do so much and am smarter and better than the ones who's mommies and daddies paid for educations for them. So the descion was to do the job I am paid for, and no more, to keep looking in other groups in my same company where I can move up with out the degree because others have and I was told in my old group that I can, and I was going to put my energy into whatever it takes to be a healer. She said that I have even more power than the average Reiki master that I also have the power to heal the soul and the spirit of those who are drawn to me. I know that she is right and while we were talking she said a spirit was there and she said to tell me she used to call me Cassidy (instead of Cassie) that would be my Great Grandma I told Mary...and I told her the story of when I was 5 and she had a stroke and I stood by her bed with my ABC book and taught her how to talk again, for the rest of her life she said E was for ElephaNUT! LOL Mary cried she said see even when you were 5 you knew you were to be a healer, go back to that and that's where you belong.

I left there feeling very good and very hopeful and at peace about the degree thing. I was not going to feel jealous or restenful that I worked much harder and got paid much less that others in my group. Its not what I am meant to do and thats OK. I circled and cricled and I went back to where I began. I noted it was about time for Randy to head to work and wondered if I would see him, I decided to turn by the 7-11 instead of going further down (MaryK no scolding me! LOL) and there was his truck there, gettin his coffe and food for his night shift. The light was red and I debated and debated on if I wanted to go in there, finally deciding not to, I didn't need anything and he didn't need to think I was just there all the time anyway...as the light turned green he came out and I got a glimpse of him in his uniform, so cute he is..I drove down the street to pass the bay and head home when my phone beeped.... I C U at 7-11 it said......

So today don't worry so much if you seem to be going in circles trying to figure something out..........sometimes we need to circle around and around something untill it is healed and sometimes we circle back to where we started because that is the place where we belong............wait and see, and in the meantime enjoy the journey!


With Love and in the Light, Cassie

PS: when I went to my spiritual facebook page to put up my blog link Adele from my Angels group had done my reading for me, this is what she said:

OK! HEre goes... I used my Archangel Oracle Deck by Doreen

I got Archangel Uriel Claircognizance, Archangel Ariel Prosperity and Archangel Raphael Breathe.

Well, lol, I'm not sure there is an interpretation that is needed just looking at the cards but.... here goes :)

I'm hearing that you really shouldn't have to even ask this question because you know the answer. The card says "Pay attention to your thoughts and ideas that come to you, as they are answered prayers." Which leans into the prosperity card. You're humble and happy you're not looking to be a millionaire but you're looking to live a full and prosperous life doing what you love... and guess what, your intuition is right. The second card says "Your material needs are provided as you follow your intuition and manifest your dreams into reality." The last one is interesting to me. It says "Take several deep breaths and exhale slowly to awaken your energy and to release old patterns." What I hear is that you are feeling the pressure that your bosses are offering you. It's a generous offer but you know in your heart that it's not what you want. Take a moment, find your center in your heart Chakra and breathe into it. You'll feel the darkness clear and you'll find out your answer all along is to go after what you love and what feeds your soul.

Hehe... that was fun!

2-3-12 Ground Hog Day

2-3-12  Ground Hog Day

Monday morning the angel-card-of-the-day-2012 was Answered Prayer and I was excited to find out which of my prayers would be answered. When I got the office and settled in my boss called me as he was in my town that day and had my compensation stuff with him. I got excited hoping my promotion finally came but it did not. I got a small raise and a little bonus it will help a little but not nearly enough. So I asked my boss what can I put in my PDP  that will get me to the next level, and for the first time he finally came right out and said that unless I finish my degree he can't do anything for me. I had been told since coming to J&J that I could move up the levels I wanted to with out it but the economy stinks now, I have Phds clamoring for my job. He told me that he would get it paid for up front, that I could major in ANYthing that I wanted to and I could have a day a week off work to go to school. He even said once enrolled and we knew I would be done in a year or two he would put me in for that promotion based on expected graduation. Can't ask for more than that can I? So I told him OK I would look into it and went back to my desk and spent the rest of the morning trying to figure out what to take. By lunchtime I had a good idea, my original major; Psychology. I simply adore the field and I always wanted to help people and it will go along with what I REALLY want to do and that is be an Reiki healer and an author. Not that the world doesn't have enough of those already but still this major will give credibility to the things that I already know and possibly give me some better answers when I do hit those brick walls like how to help people get rid of their deep deep pain. But then someone mentioned there are degrees in Holistic health........and I recalled one time at my Shamans being shown that I should study herbs and nutritional treatments for health.

So I thought about this very much on my drive home. As I got halfway home I thought of Randy and how I would no longer pass him on 35 near the drawbridge since he got additional time added to his schedule. All well and good I thought to myself - our of sight out of mind I really do need to be looking for another man to be my mate. I cut through the industrial center, something I have had to do for months now due to construction, and there on the road heading my way was his big black truck unmistakeable with his snowmobile loaded in the back. I shook my head and tooted and waved and when I got home (I seem to have made a new habit of leaving my cell phone at home) I texted him to say I saw him and tell him about my raise and my boss wanting to send me to finish my degree. That's awesome he said and responded to a few more texts of my excitement and choosing what I would do. He also said we should go celebrate and  I hesitated for a bit and said OK, friends can celebrate successes right? I added that we should celebrate his increase also. Then he said I was gonna be rich. Then he said we ought to make a race to pay off our depts, his house me my credit cards so I said sure..he said he owed 15 K on his house. I said I over 30K on my credit cards, actually it's more like 45 K but I knew the 30 would shock him enough and I was right. To defend myself I added that I HAD over 200K equity in my home.... I did not remind him that had he grown up and moved me in and gotten along with my son then I could have taken the first offer I had on my house instead of passing it by staying longer and ending up never being able to sell it once the market tanked...*sigh* But then again IF it had been meant to be it would have happened. I am much better off having Randy as a friend than a boyfriend, no chance of disappointment in it this way.

Tuesday at work I talked to one college placement counselor and he told me of an online course I can do, it sounded very very good and we made an appointment to speak the following day once I looked over a few of the degree programs that they offered. I ruled out a few other places and well that was all the time I had to give to it because I had so much work flow to do and I was exhausted. Driving home I felt like I was going to fall asleep at the wheel, I had hoped to either go visit my hospice patient but skipped that, and my second choice was go to the gym but I was so sleepy at the wheel driving home I had to give up my idea of going to the gym as well. I had a little of that frustrated want to give up attitude but then I told myself that sometimes I just have to go with the flow of my body and rest when I need rest but not to let that make me give up. I drug myself out to take Jeremy to Home Depot to get stuff to fix the toilet and to eat and made it an early night.

Wednesday was a work from home day and I also heard back from the admissions counselor from one of the schools, it sounded doable, expensive but doable until he got to the part where he wanted my bank information. He said that they can give me deferred billing so that I can submit it to my company to pay but the bill has to come to me and they pay me and I pay them. He further explained that most companies pay 100% for an A, 80% for a B, etc etc. I can't pay ANY percent, and what if I would get sick or something and not pass? at 1,000 a pop for a course I would be screwed. This was again looking out of my grasp. I also looked at my raise again and it was not the dollar per week amount I thought it was but per month instead, that wouldn't even cover cost of living increases!  I got so upset that I just wanted to run away and forget the whole world for a bit and rest and regain my strength, but where? and how when I was broke?..... I thought of Randy and I though of Vermont and I gave in and I wrote to him and told him I do want to go with him after all.  I added a song he had played for me when we were dating and when he was down and broken with a bad back If I lay here It had always been one we listened to and the closest thing to having an "Our Song that we ever got. It's sad and comforting at the same time..

That evening I went to a charity event in Red Bank. I wanted to help the cause, Big Brothers and Big Sisters of America. I ate dinner at home and ordered one Martini while I was there. I met two new people, one a nice woman who was new and shy, she was glad to have someone to talk to and I was glad to wave at my friends then hide in the corner LOL Turns out she is a funeral director and I remembered that besides being Imbolic it was the 1 year anniversary of my Mom's death. I wondered if I was odd because that did not make me sad, I decided that I was OK with it because I knew she had "graduated" to the next plane. Next I met a nice guy one who had recently joined my singles meetup and I had greeted him because it said Yoga on his interests. He told me that he has recenly lost 75 lbs by going to Overeaters Annonymous and encouraged me to try it and even offered me his phone number in case I wanted to go with him, not to be fresh he said. So I declined his number but told him I will look into going, it sounded intriguing for sure, I do know I stress eat and my stress is high now because of money and heavy work load at the office. When I
got home I was going to go to bed but my voice said to check my mail first....Randy had replied and said sure I will take you with me, and yes he remembered that song it meant something to him everytime he hears it and he was sorry about my job. I felt better, he may not be the mate for me but he's a good comforting friend, and together we can just lay around a bit and forget the rest.... I need that

Thursday was Ground Hog Day and he did see his shadow and as per lore we will get 6 more weeks of winter, that's ok by me I can use 6 more weeks of rest.. I worked hard that day and then met my friend for dinner and a movie. She was all upset because she's been sick for weeks now with sinus problems. I told her though its normal to be sick and need more rest this time of year, there will be plenty of time to work hard and feel better when spring comes. She also insisted on paying me $20 for the over the phone Reiki I had given her the other day. Its hard for me to take money from friends but she said how do you expect to make this a business if you won't take money? I was greatful to her. The movie was awesome too, I can;t reccomend it enough: extremely loud and incredibly close  Good lessons in that movie. When it was over and we were saying goodnight I told her you know I think I know why I am not getting promoted at J&J, beacause I am not meant to, I am not meant to become dependent on the corporate world because if so I will never leave it. I am meant to support myself by healing people, that is my talent, that is my gift, that is my pourpose. She agreed, she said once you get used to bring in a lot and living that life style its hard to go back and have less.

SO hey it's winter, I am moving slow and resting some and I got to do some thinking and planning to do but that's ok thats what this time of year is for. So today do not beat yourslef up if you don't get to the gym as much as you'd like to, or that life is passing you buy because you are sleeping a bit more, or that you don't have a really great plan of action just yet........ It's ground hog day, halfway through winter but not through there yet..........rest a little now, waste a little time, don't worry if you have all the answers just yet..... soon enough your spring will come and your life will be like a garden thats bursting into life!!




With Love and in the Light,  Cassie





"Chasing Cars"

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we’re told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?