And the Story Continues........

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http://cassiespath5.blogspot.com/

3-20 -12 Remembering the Past to Create the Future

3-20-12  Remembering the Past to Create the Future

Friday night after work I went to the Zoso Concer. It was OK, I wish I had gone later as I really wasn't interested in the opening bands but I did like Zoso, the Led Zeppelin cover band and so did my friends, it made them remember days of old and going to concerts and such. I personally never got to go to very many myself so this is like getting to have parts of young adulthood that I missed out on. One of my gal pals had came and rode over with me and I introduced her to one of my guy friends whom I know has been looking for a woman for sometime now. He finds them but he never keeps them due to his long work hours running his own company. But this friend is a single mom and has a couple business she tries to run and is just as busy..maybe its a good match I thought...so I whispered to her that he was looking for a relationship, then I told her the best thing about him and the worst thing (why he loses women) and she was not deterred. Next I whispered to him and told him to talk to her, that she was a nice gal and single...Which is exactly what he did. Going home she said some positive and negative things but said she would go out with him.I love playing matchmaker. I sat watching the rest of the show and I watched the people there, many of them couples, the men getting drinks for their women and holding their hands in the crowd and some kissing and hugging as they enjoyed the concert and I felt a little sad to still be alone and I said in a low but audible voice: St Michael help me, I so want a partner to share my life with......

Saturday I woke up and my card of the day was New Love he had heard me! I felt it in my heart that he had heard me and was working on this for me. I happily headed out for my walking and talking event, we had a lot of fun as usual and I told them about the matchmaking I did the night before and that I needed to speak to him about the negatives, they all said how nice it was that I helped my friends this way and I told them I had been doing this for years and I had plenty of stories to tell, one friend kept saying I should write a book that I must have many interesting stories to tell, she said it several times and I finally said that I am writing a book sort of, that I am doing this blog and I am hoping to get Cassies Path part 1 finished editing by Memorial Day that is my goal I set for myself, sooner would be even better. Just as my walk ended Mary called me to see how I was she said I had been on her mind and I told her about my prayer and the card and she said well be open tonight at the party she said. I was but I really had no time to talk to any men, even though I had seen one who looked interesting and I had seen him dancing with someone who hadn't been any hotter or younger than me by my estimations....... It's just that I am so surrounded by the people who do know me I never have time for anyone new, I had agreed to meet someone new and walk in with her because she was shy, I got her introduced around and into the mix, then several people wanted concert tickets so I made those rounds, then I ran into one who's frantically searching for work so I comforted her some,  then another who wanted Reiki blessings because she had to quit her new job and needed to get a new one, and the list goes on. But that's what I like to do...help people and comfort people and introduce them to new friends....

Sunday I had kite flying scheduled in the afternoon but I realized I was 300 miles past due to change my oil and I had a Sears coupon so I went there at 11am, walked in and as soon as I put my coupon on the counter the grumpy old man told me there were too busy and couldn't get to me for hours. I was pretty annoyed, especially since this same guy always tells me they don't have time for me but sometimes the other guys step up and say that they can get me in. So in my frustration I texted Randy, who did confirm that they were busy and he said come back later, which is what the guy had said. So I killed some time visiting a new place to go walking and took some photos and met everyone at 2pm. We had so much fun and I got my kite up very quickly and had only one mishap when mine and my friends kites crossed strings. The reason they crossed was we were too busy yapping LOL He runs a group with the gal that I wanted to run a group with, only we had a parting of ways because I wouldn't do everything her way. Now granted I know she is a success, and I know she wanted to help me but I just can't do EVERY thing the way someone wants me to do it. He told me that I should listen to her but then again he understood why I didn't, we both agreed that the dynamic was much better for him and her to work together. Besides they both had plenty of money and weren't trying to make any off events and I was back then, I have since given up on that idea....

After kite flying some of us went to the diner for dinner and talked. We got on the topic of Reiki and I was trying to explain it to them and I relayed the story of how when my friend Beth was working on me I felt something move in my heart, and she "saw" me as a little girl and how my mother yelled at me and she felt my pain and so did I and then I told them of how I talked to my Mom the next day and she had a dream and it was exactly what Beth had seen and my Mom and I got the chance to talk about that and she got to apologize to me for how she was when I was a little girl. One guy asked me, she died not long after that didn't she? And I said a few months later yes. I also told them about how my college friends made a Facebook group and we had spent a few weeks sharing photos and old stories and reminiscing. One friend posted several photos of my ex-husband (we had met in college) and we all talked about him some and it was nice to recall that there were some very very good things about him and to blow away some clouds of the dark moments that I mostly recall from our marriage.

Once we left the diner I went back to Sears, the turned me away again and told me to come back at 8, but I knew they closed at 8. I didn't even argue or complain I just walked out. Just as I got to my car another one pulled it right in front of me, it was Randy with a repair car he had been test driving. He asked me what was up and I told him, he said let me go in and talk to them. You can't do that I said they will know you know me, he waved a hand in dismissal of that comment and went and asked but he came back in out with bad news. Then he wanted to talk a bit, he looked so dirty and worn down and even old to me, I was grateful to not feel the stirrings of yearning for him.  The readers were right, he'd stall so long that in the end I wouldn't want him any longer.. We only got to talk for a few minutes till they called him back in again to work but I was a glad. I left and stopped at Target to get a better kite, they had a dual control one that can do stunts so I got it to try it. As I was checking out I got a text from Randy saying it was good to see me...ugh he's just trying to sweet talk me so I give in for pokey again.... ya ya I replied I just wish I could have gotten my oil changed, he told me don't worry it will be OK....of course he did not offer to come over and change it for me.....

Monday I was so very tired all day at work, I did manage to get  Jeremy's bus ticket paid for and printed. He is going to meet his brother in Ohio, go see their grandfather then go to a Nascar race together then come back here for Easter. I am so glad that his brother bought him a ticket and that he gets a chance to go do something fun, he's not had much chance for that yet in his life. I got the bus ticket for only $30, its a red eye and I never heard of the company but we think it will be OK. After work I got my oil changed at jiffy lube, they were fast and efficient  but it cost me double what Sears coupon was for. I was so annoyed that I texted Randy. He called me later and talked to me while he was at work and we both complained about the grumpy guy at Sears. He told me that he makes him loose business, I got so annoyed again that I decided to e-mail Sears and complain about him. Randy wanted to talk more but I really didn't want to, I recalled all the painful moments over these past few years with him disappointing me and letting me down and not loving me the way that he should and I was glad very glad that my heart has lost its yearning for him and ny body has no desire to be touched by him any more either. We may or may not cross paths but it truly doesn't matter one way or the other. I have my own path to follow now............

Tuesday I woke up and Freedom was the card of the day and I know that I am totally free, I can choose my path and my fate in whatever I want it to be!  At 1am the spring equinox  had begun, the day that the days officially start to grow longer in terms of sunlight, the celebration of Ostara to the pagans, a new fresh beginning and a new moon to boot! Oh the world us full of hope and promise!

Today I want you to take a look back at your past, see what you have learned, what you have left behind and how you have grown. Do not be afraid to look at the GOOD memories in fondness and let them expand your heart and raise your vibration and gently lay down any bad memories and do not bring them with you. We are moving into a bold new future, stronger, more powerful than ever before and the thoughts we keep with us are the ones that will create our personal futures...........make them good ones!!

With Love and in the Light,  Cassie

3-16-12 Attracting Abundance

 3-16-12

Tuesday was not a remarkable day at work, my sinuses were better still, I think it really is the vinegar! It got me to thinking that I recall my grandma using it to clear clogged drains and god knew my drain in the rental house was small and clogged up often so I looked it up and low and behold I was right! The article said to put a cup of baking soda in the drain then a 1/2 cup of vinegar. Sure would be cheaper, not to mention better for the environment than that commercial chemical stuff, especially since I live so close to the bay.... When I got home from work one of my roommates had left a note instead of his rent and I was very upset, this was the second time he didn't have it and he'd only lived here two weeks! It was especially tight because my other roommate hadn't paid me on Saturday and was going to double up this coming Saturday but she hadn't warned me like she usually does so I had bought something Friday night at that party I went to to help my friend. And worst of all I was to go to dinner that night with some of my gal pals and had been looking forward to it for weeks! In the end I decided to go and I used my debit card to take some from my bank account, I had just gotten a work bonus and had a tax return coming so I told myself it was worth it.

While there I talked to one of my gal pals who is also strapped for money most of the time, I told her to try getting a roommate or two that it was nice to not have to live alone anyway. She said she was not able to do that because she gets alimony and it strictly spells out in her divorce that if anyone is living with her that it stops. I told her that it probably meant a boyfriend not a roommate, she said she realizes that but she is too afraid to take the chance as she needs that money too much. Her divorce was 15 years ago. In the parking lot as we were leaving I told her to not worry so much about money when she commented on how expensive dinner had been. I told her all we have to do is work hard, trust in God to provide and not be so fearful that we can't do something nice for ourselves once in awhile. I felt good to have been able to guide her some and at the same time to re-enforce this lesson to myself. When I got home that night there was an envelope of money passed under my bedroom door, the roommate who owes on Thursdays had paid me early! He left me a note apologizing for paying early as he wouldn't be back for a few days, I left him a note saying this was an answer to prayer. I knew it was a reminder for me to know I would always be provided for.

Wednesday I worked from home and then in the evening had my walking and talking event. I was surprised to have 5 of us but was very happy about it. The other groups do dinners and karaoke and all sorts of things on weeknights but that's just not what I want to do. I just want to be outdoors walking and taking in all the beautiful views that Monmouth county has to offer us. Only one went to dinner with me after and took advantage of the $10 special at Fridays. It was good though as we talked about things and her need to move from where she is and such, I so like to be able to talk to people and help them when they need it. That night I had a message on my Facebook from one of my spiritual groups, a positive affirmation to attract abundance:

“I am paid EXTREMELY WELL for work I love, that uses my natural talents and gifts.”

This is EXACTLY what I want for my life! I began to think about what I really LIKE to do.......  I like to write this blog, especially when someone writes to me and thanks me and says it helped them, I like to charge my SpiritStones and give, sell or "seed" them in places that I think their energy will do some good. I also like to talk to people on Facebook or on the phone or via e-mail about their problems and give them some guidance. This is what I am good at, talking and listening and giving Reiki. Oh and helping people to connect I am also good at that! I have always been at "the hub" of things and in many groups of people...If only I could make money that way....

Thursday morning driving to work I was listening to Catie Couric's book on CD that I got from the library:   Best-Advice-Ever-Got Now this is a good book I have gotten quite a few things from this that I hope to share in future blogs but big message that morning was this: What would you still do even if you didn't get paid to do it? I thought of CassiesCalendar and how I keep doing this 10 years later and I don't make money on it. I thought of my Reiki that I give and only a few have ever paid me and even this is like 1/2 the going rate, I thought of all the free angel card readings I have done, I don't recall anyone ever paying me for those. So I decied to change those statements to I do make money with and named each one and I printed out several copies of that affirmation to put up all around where I would see them often and could say them to myself. After work that night I met my hospice supervisor and she took me and introduced me to a new client. He was a very nice man and I was happy to be able to be seeing someone who actually could talk to me and wanted visitors! As I walked out I thanked God for the opportunity to GIVE, which is the 1st rule in attracting abundance. That night I had an urge to stop in the good will store and ended up getting two pair of pants that I needed and a candle all for only $10! I also got some good deals grocery shopping at Aldis.

Friday I worked from home and I cut out the affirmations I printed and I gave one to Jeremy. He said that he just asks his friends to agree with him that he will get whatever it is that he wants. I told him that was the same thing as asking them to pray with him, like the bible says when two or more agree.....or is that when two or more gather? Well something like that, but it was using the collective energy of a group, same thing as me asking my friends to pray for me. Yeah whatever he shrugged you know I can't ask them to pray cuz thats gay. I told him whatever he called it was fine, God doesn't care what you call him why would he care what you call asking him for help with stuff. I was also very happy this day because in the evening was the Zoso concert, a Led Zeppelin cover band. I had gotten the Starland Ballroom to give me tickets for the show and gave all 300 of them out to my friends and friends of friends and friends of friends of friends! Me I'd rather stay home with a pizza and a RedBox movie on a friday night but these FREE concerts make everyone so happy, this is a club that many of the people in my age group went to when they were younger and the bands songs are what they listed to back in the day...reminiscing is good for the soul it raises your vibration and I am happy to do anything I can to help that! The gratitude they all show and the smiles is the best payment I could ever get for doing these events!

Today I want you to look around in your life and see what you have to be thankful for and express gratitude to God/the Universe whoever your personal higher power is. I also want you to be generous to others and there are many ways to do that that do not necessarily involve money but sometimes it will, and I want you to remember to also be generous to yourself too! Not greedy but there is nothing wrong with a well earned and occasional treat. No matter what finacial storms or crisis you are going through trust and belive that God can shine down on you in any moment of need....You will never ever lack anythig that you truly need when your soul follows the path of its creator.....


With Love and in the Light, Cassie

PS, Just saw this on my older son's facebook feed, he's getting out of the Air Force next week after serving for 9 years. He's busy cleaning and packing and getting ready to move to a room in a friends house and spend the next few years going to college. He posted:

Went to Walmart to pick up some cleaning supplies the Walmart greeter is one those power chairs that looked some what disabled chased me down to give me a Thank you Card and a scripture that said "No greater love is this that one would lay down there life for a friend" Was one the most touching moments I have had in my entire 9 yrs of service. Little reminders I suppose from God that someone does actually care about what I did and what I gave up for what I believed was the right thing to do.

Moral of the story, Never underestimate the power of a thank or pass up a chance to give one no matter how hard it may be for you to do.

Thank you my son Dustin for being a stand up guy and serving your country, I don't know if you will ever see these words I write here but I will tell you when you visit for easter this year just how very proud I am of you, I know that I haven't said so nearly enough or thank you for being the person that you are.

3-12 -12 The Alchemy of Change

3-12 -12  The Alchemy of Change

Saturday I got up and as I was having my coffee I found an article in my news feed called  longing-for-and-fear-of-intimacy It made me realize again that the real reason I don't have a new life partner is because of ME and my FEAR of love. I recognized myself in so many of these things listed and I recognize that I still have healing to do despite how far I have come so far. I also recognize the run away pattern in Gus my ex-husband (he escaped to alcohol) and Randy my ex-BF (he escaped into daredevil riding and hanging with the boys). I know countless others in my singles groups who year after year hang out looking for yet never finding love, or finding it but not keeping it for very long. Oh well, all need to heal!  I had also read an article about Alchemy and Energy: Solar Consciousness it gave me hope for us all and talked of how the solar flare activity was actually going to work to raise the consciousness of the planet, an alchemy of healing and raising vibrations! I was so ready for it I wanted to bask in the sun as much as I could....thankfully I had one of my Walking and Talking events that day and thoroughly enjoyed it despite the brisk March winds.

After the walk I ran over to pick up concert tickets from Starland Ballroom, they were giving me them free for my group to hear The Marshall Tucker Band. I was so excited until I saw the concert was the day before Easter, when my oldest son Dustin would be visiting me from Colorado. I called him right then and there to see if he wanted to go with me, I knew he'd like the country/gospel music that they play. He said maybe but when I posted the link on his Facebook he had plenty 0f negative things to say, this lead to a debate which led him to say how much he resented me and my singles group friends, he felt that I didn't give him enough attention growing up because of them. I realized he was partially right and I apologized. I did use that as an escape from the harsh world that was my life after the divorce and its trauma. I was really upset and distracted though and I backed my car into the fence post when I was heading out later that night as I went to Ralph.s singles event. I knew I could not afford the $500 deductible and would not be able to get it repaired. I still had a good time though and was glad I went as I ran into a lot of friends. Ralph is nice and he lets me in for free because I advertise for him and I took the chance to pass out the rest of my Zoso tickets. I tell you though it was so great to be out and to be loved by so many and to meet new people who may need my help...One gal I talked to was stressing tons about sending out resumes for jobs, she said she did them all day and sometimes very late at night. I told her my strategy, get up early every weekday, apply for at least three jobs, then go play and enjoy being off work. I told her especially don't send out resumes in the middle of the night, they look for people who keep normal business hours. This made her feel better.

Sunday was Yoga, I was so stiff after all this laying around from being sick but I did the best that I can, I am sticking to my not giving up attitude. When I came home I talked to Jeremy about what Dustin said about giving too much attention to my singles groups and he said oh he shouldn't be such a whiner and I said yeah you always came to things with me or you came down and helped with the BBQs and hung out and invited your friends. You also helped me with the yard and went to dinner with me and Dustin was glued to the computer. So hey as always yes I could have done better with him but I didn't do as bad as he remembers it all. He needs to let go of those little boy hurts the same as I need to let go of mine from my parents. I rested the rest of the day and in the evening talked to Adele, a new friend I met in my Angels group who did a reading for me and we discussed all the solar flare activity. She told me how clumsy she's been (so that could be why I hit the fence post and dented my bumper). My reading went well though basically it was heal the inner child in me, get out and go play and have fun and heal me and love me, she even told me to go fly a kite and I told her I had that planned for next Sunday!. I told her I had tons of go out and play stuff planned for my groups: walking, biking, kite flying, volley ball, kick ball, concerts of our favorite old groups... She said the cards also say that I needed to stop worrying about the stress of my job and my lack of getting a raise or having enough money that they had something big planned for me coming around the corner so just forget that stress and worry that all would be well. She also nagged me again about the vinegar for cleansing and to try it in juice, so I put a capful in a small glass of orange juice and it was easier to tolerate..

We talked about Randy too and my need to cut the cords with him completely. I confessed to her about the texting him after my dream on Tuesday and then I also confessed that my cat had hidden in the basement for 2 days, having been spooked by the kids hollering at the video game, so I texted him asking him to "talk" to the cat and tell him to come up and eat. He did it and the cat came up in 10 minutes! I so wish I could develop that power and I told her its such a shame he has these powers and does nothing with them and does not understand them. She said let it go and I told her I was. I told he I can't even be his friend while he lives with her anymore and she asked what do I want and I told her I want to forget he even exists for as long as that woman lives with him, and in that time I want to find my own man, and later, when she leaves as I know she will and he needs a friend then I can be a friend to him. She told me that no matter what our future relationship is that the current cords all need to be cut because the energy is not good and I need to use my energy someplace else. She said to call on St Michael for help so as I went to bed that night I did just that.

Monday I woke up and pulled St Michael as the angel card of the day. I knew that meant he was working on what I asked and to confirm it I had an e-mail from Randy's sister asking me to remove her from CassiesCalendar facebook group. I knew he had done his work and I knew I needed to be free of that distraction in order to complete the work on myself, that it was far more important...... Kinda reminded me of a friend who told me that summer I started seeing Randy again that he was just a distraction from me doing the real work I needed to do on myself........

Today I want you to ask yourself this: Are you ready for change? It's not going to be easy, just as metal must enter the fire, the caterpillar must enter the cocoon, as Jesus wandered in the dessert for 40 days and 40 nights.....its going to be a intense but its the ONLY way to change, and change is the only way to go higher!!.......... Are You Ready?


With Love and in the Light, Cassie




There's courage involved if you want to become the truth.
There's a broken open place in a lover.
Where are those qualities of bravery and sharp compassion in this group?
... What's the use of old and frozen thought?
I want a howling hurt!
This is not a treasury where gold is stored.
This is for copper.
We alchemists look for what can heat up and change.
Luke warm won't do.
Half hearted holding back, well enough getting by. . .
Not here! ~Rumi~

3-10-12 Hopes and Dreams

Hope is the Dream of a Soul Awake ~French Proverb

3-11 -12   Hopes and Dreams

So Tuesday after work I decided to go check out a local park that a friend had told me would be a good place to walk. Nature had been my angel card of the day and after the traumatic money problems of the day my soul sure did need soothing. I asked Jeremy if he wanted to go and was surprised that he did. We had a nice time walking and talking about stuff and taking photos for landmarks for meeting spots. Then I wanted to drive past the house that I want, as we drove through town I went by the water as I always do and he showed me how he sees the water tower by our house and wishes each time he had a boat to get him across the bay inlet. Keep wishing I told him and you might get a boat, I told him of how I always drove past J&J wishing I worked there and I eventually ended up working there. We went past the house and he told me I should quit stalking it but I ignored him. I told him I quit driving down the street that goes by Randy's and now I go by my new friends house, this nice lady I met whom I hope to be better friends with. As a matter of fact the other day I had driven by there on my way to work and she had texted me later inviting me to a party there on Friday. I had really wanted to go but the games and such would have cost me more than I could afford.....

But anyway..... Jeremy and I discussed money problems. He told me he wants to invent something and I encouraged him on that as he does come up with good ideas all the time, then he swung to the worried side again and said if he didn't get a job soon he was going to start dealing again. NO I told him, you will never prosper breaking the law no matter how tempting it is. Then I told him about the first blog that I am working on the edits and trying to make a book. He said good but make it about something that will teach people something to help their life. I am I am I told him, then he said and let me read it first so I can help you edit it to sound like a guy would listen to because many times someone has told me something to help my life and then later I realize its something you told me all along. I told him it most likely had nothing to do with how I said it, rather how he heard it as nearly ALL kids have a parent filter and they wont listen to what a parent says till they hear it somewhere else. We had a good time though and drove past the house I want someday and discussed the pros and cons of a home with a bay view. Lastly we went to the park on Randy's side of town to take a photo and I told him of the night I passed "her" in there just as he texted me asking was I ready for him. Jeremy told me he picked her because I change my mind too much and I said I know, I just get scared when I get too close, but he's not really what I hoped for in a man and  he's better off with her she don't care if he's never home and I missed him too much when he was playing. He also said that that they probably needed him more, those kids had no father figure and were about to be homeless, you didn't need him you always made ends meet and took good care of us. That I did I told him, then apologized though for never having found him a new dad as he had pleaded with me to do. That's OK Mom he said, I think it was meant to be too, I had many father figures and that made me better than just having one.

Wednesday I woke up with a dream on my mind, I was at a party and  Randy was there dating one of my friends! I asked my friend how can you date him when he behaves so badly? Her reply to me was that he doesn't treat her that way. This bothered me, I didn't know if it was him messing with me, or the spirits trying to lead me back to him yet again or just my mind sorting things out. In the dream also someone handed me a BIG huge drink like 3 gallon bucket size, and while I had my head turned talking to the friend dating Randy and wondering if I had made big mistake I looked back and the huge drink was small. It bothered me all day till I finally texted him: You were in my dream last night. Was that you messing with me or the spirits?. He answered almost immediately and said  Not me. Good was what I thought but I didn't send any reply. I am glad that he is drifting out now, I feel so much free-er not having to be involved in that drama and those lies and half truths. I am also glad that he is accepting the choice he has made for himself and respecting me and leaving me alone.

I had gone to Horsham that day for work so on the way home my friend Chris and Mary my spiritual advisor both met me for dinner. Chris was happy to get a chance to see Mary as she "can see dead people" and always like the chance to share and understand stories. I told Mary about the dream and she said that the drink meant my life and the fact that it was smaller meant I was choosing a smaller life. I recalled the drink from the dream and I did feel that the big one was too much but the smaller one dissapointed me. We also talked about my son and my finances. One friend suggested I see about getting Jeremy on permanent disabilty due to his reading problems but I told her I am not ready for that, and he can work and he can read just slowly. Then the other friend suggested I see if he can go on food  stamps and also had some advice on how I can go bankrupt. I politely told them thanks for trying to help me but I am not ready for those measures yet, that's too small of thinking for me for now and I want to keep thinking big, I want to keep hoping that somethings going to happen for me to earn a lot more money. But thanks for the suggestions and I will keep them in mind if it comes to that.

Thursday was a basically un-remarkable day other than I got a check in the mail from the yoga teacher, it was for the exact amount of money that I needed to go to my friends party! I happily contacted her and went out to get something that night as the gift. Also a co-worker I had seen the day before wrote me for the angel card reading that I offered her. She wanted to know if a particular guy would come back to her life. I drew dreams-intention-abundance and gave her the meanings and told her i think it meant that her guides would give her signs in her dreams if she asked, that she needs to set her intention for what she really wants to create of her life and to see if that guy can fit in with the life she wants for herself and that she can have everything she wants if she just thinks and creats it first in her head. She was very pleased and said that helped her alot. I was glad. When I got home from work I cashed the check and went out and got a gift for friday nights party then went home and told Jeremy about a thought that spirit told me to tell him about his dreams. I told him they said to tell him that the only difference between those who get what they and those who do not are that they keep going. That every one is insecure, every one doupts them selves, every one fears they can't do it, even the winners feel that way....but they keep trying, that is why they win. I told him of the big banner hanging in my High school gym: Quitters never win, and winners never quit. Its true of all aspects of life....


Friday I woke up from a dream it was about  my ex-husband, he was living with his family and I wnt to visit them all. I miss them so much, his family, but they are a proud Italian family, when you divorce the whole family shuns you! Anyway they were really trying to talk me into taking him back, his father even said that he'd pay me a lot of money if I did (they are wealthy). I went out to the garden to think about it and as I walked I noticed the  flowers in the garden shrank, there were big huge plants and as I considered this they got so small, barely there anymore. I recalled how he had limited my life, not allowing me to go out and have friends or be gone from home for long or even have a job other than working for his mom as her housekeeper.... That night I went to the game thing at my friends house, as I drove past Randy's mom I thought again how I wish he'd let me be friends with her, it would do us both good. At my friends we played bingo and won prizes, then we got a chance to steal prizes from one another. I really wanted the lottery tickets but what I came home with was a bunch of candles and two votives, one said Hope and the other said Dream and I realized those had much more value than any possible lottery winnings.....

Today I want you to think about the hopes and dreams that you have for your life, and who you are bringing along with you on your path and the choices that you are making for yourself and the thoughts and beliefs that you are holding onto. Are those people and choices and thoughts you dwell on in harmony with what you really hope and dream for or are they in opposition? To reach your dreams you have to climb the ladder, you have to dream big and its going to be harder or you may not even get there if there are things that hold you back or slow you down.... Good choices get you there faster, good people encorage you and don't pull you down, positve thought keep you going...........Hope and Dream and you can get there!!!

With Love and in the Light, Cassie

 

3- 6-12 Today is My Favorite Day

“What day is it,?" asked Pooh.
"It's today," squeaked Piglet.
"My favorite day," said Pooh.”

3-6-12   Today is My Favorite Day

Saturday afternoon I took a nap and rested and in the evening I worked on editing CassiesPath1. Mary thinks I need to get it done and self published on Amazon, she said that she knows people who have self published and sold many books. I told her I had no idea if people would want to read the story of my path but I did know that some people who see my links on Craigslist write and thank me, and a few have contacted me to be on their local TV shows. Unfortunately no one local to ME or with a budget to fly me there! I also know that ever since college I have been told that I should write a book about my life by many different people and it's gotten way more interesting since then! And I have always wanted to be a writer, so I write just for the joy of writing.  I spent the evening editing the posts from 2010, the summer of Randy, and marveled about how so many signs and omens were pointing us together. I also marveled about how each of us was still in such pain and stubbornness.  But I know now that I want to heal and move past that pain and stubbornness and he does not. So how to heal? What else do I need to DO? As I pondered that I recalled the conversation earlier that day at the diner about my sinus problems and the one guy said I don't take ANYthing and I had said I did wonder if all the sudafed I was taking caused the mucus to get thick and not drain as it should. My son came up and was heading out and knowing that he also had all these sinus issues I asked him and he said I don't take anything. Wow I was onto something, that and the advice also of the gal pal who said just go back to the old methods, steam and a towel over your head and maybe a little vicks vaopor rub. I do know we have gotten too dependent on all these chemical remedies. This got me to thinking of my own personal healing of my heart, I knew that was the real reason I did not have a life partner because deep down I was too afraid to have one. I needed to heal and let go and forget and move on. My angel card had been focus, the messages in my feeds has all been on the same thing, and my spiritual adviser had also told me I need to think and create what I want that I had the power to do so. It dawned on me again that I had wasted far too much time pining over stuff, clinging to pain, not looking towards a healthy future in other ways. I made a vow to myself right then and there that I was going to have FUN and I was going to LIVE and I was going to PLAY and I wasn't going to give another thought to my past OR my future, I would let it take care of itself. All I had to do was wake up everyday and do what needed to be done and spend the rest of my time playing, enjoying the life that I had right now.

Sunday morning I had a lesson to learn, I had given my Spiritual in NJ meetup to someone who wasn't behaving in the best of ways with a business dealing, it bothered me that she was still using my group name and hadn't changed it as she was supposed to when she took the group over as promised. One of my spiritual friends had written me the previous week expressing her distress about it too, at that time my voice had said: leave it alone, she will tire of it and abandon it soon enough anyway. I was going to leave it alone but I got copied on some mails with someone we had worked with together that she refused to pay and this brought my anxiety up. So I went to my Spiritual in NJ facebook group to ask for prayer for the situation. By the time I got home that evening she had finally changed it, but not before writing me a couple nasty e-mails and posting in some negative stuff in the group with an alias ID. One of my spiritual friends had told me it was not right to pray for the influence of someones personal choice, as first i accepted but then I politely disagreed with him. I learned how to stand up for myself w/o defending myself and w/o undue anxiety, just a simple please change it and when that was ignored I prayed and when that wasn't enough I asked my friends to pray. And all was resolved...

During the day I went to an event for meetup, there were meeting in an Irish Pub and listening to Irish music. I arrived a little early so I ran across the street to the metaphysical shop and got a Blue Aventurine stone for my sinus problems and also some Eucalyptus oil which is also good for sinus issues. I saw a few friends at the evnent and its always nice to interact with them. I told the group leader about my kite event idea and she was really into that idea, gave me a spot to go to at Sandy Hook and asked to join her group and mine at the event. I was very happy about that and so was she because she said it's been so hard for her to get people to sign up and go to her events, the very very nice ones but sadly the costly ones that pre-registration is required. Other than the cost of a kite, this one is free! I swear I am going to find lots of free things to do that are fun and I am going to post them too. I am going to remind everyone how we used to have fun back in the old days. I went home that night and posted the event and got a bunch of people interested, one friend posted that he wished he didn't have to work because he keeps a kite in his trunk, I told him he wasn't the first person who told me that this weekend. LOL

Monday was a work day, I got an e-mail from the township attorney and have to provide more information for the bank to discuss them taking over the mortgage and getting my house. Then I had to make a dreadful call to one of my credit card companies to try and work out a payment plan. They agreed to 0% interest but only IF I paid a very high monthy amount, still it was less than what they wanted now, and my only other option was keeping it as it was so I told him lets do it. Since I couldn't pay that amount right then and there he told me to call back saturday. Unfortunatley that call didn't stop them from reporting me to the credit bureau and so on Tuesday I got a call from my credit card company, the only one that I had much credit left on, the one that I used for my car insurance, any repairs needed and my gym membership. They were drastically reducing my credit with them and I was in a panic, thats the card I also use if my car needs unexpect repairs! At the same time they were calling me I got a comment on one of my blogs from someone whom I had replied to a few days ago, he was saying he had no hope of earning more money and alcohol was all he had to ease his pains. I was in the process of writing him back and offering to send him a free SpiritStone when the call came. I hesitated for a minute or two wondering if I should be paying for postage and giving away stones I had hoped to sell but in the end decied that I should do it, today I had the money, today was the only day that mattered.

After I wrote him with my encouragement and my offer to send him a free stone one of my cups and saucers sold on E-bay only for 99cents but still it motivated me to see what I can do to sell more stones. Then I called the insurance company and arranged to have my car insurance billed directly to my bank account, that was scary but I am a little a head beause I got my bonus check for the year, I would be ok for now. After that  I posted an article on how you can fight many diseases with honey and cinnamon on my forum for healthy-living/health-tip-of-the-day It made me happy to be able to share something that may help someone, especially since so many of my friends don't have health insurance now days. Lastly I prayed to St Michael to come to my aid to help me to earn some more money. Note I said earn, not rain from the sky, not win the lottery or get an inheritance but earn. At any rate though I knew I had enough for today.......

Today I want you to do what you have to do to take care of things in your life, and then I want you to put it out of your mind and do something fun or nice for yourself. Remember whatever bad choices you made in your past are done, and you never know whats coming along in your future so dreading it or banking on it neither have much value TODAY....so why not make today YOUR favorite day too!

With Love and in the Light, Cassie

 

3-3-12 Time of Healing

 3-3-12   Time of Healing

Monday all day I was so sick, my ears felt like they were stuffed with cotton and I was not able to hear. I was miserable and all I wanted to do was get home to rest. My hospice supervisor called me and wanted me to meet her at a new assignment the next day, I could barely hear her on the phone so I just explained my illness and that she should call me the next day to see if I was well enough to meet her. I rushed home to get the futon in the basement ready to show and ended up renting it that evening to a young man who seemed happy to have a place to lay his head despite the lack of privacy there. I then spent the evening on my web-work, trying desperately to get CassiesCalendar newsletter to work again to no avail. I gave up and watched a pretty interesting video one of my friends had posted Psycics Predicitions for 2012 from 30 yrs ago I re-posted it knowing that if anyone dared to believe it, which most would not, that they may be scared. Still I felt compelled to share anyway in the hopes that if anyone wanted to take this as potentially true and work on straightening out thier lives it would be a good idea, actually its a good idea all the time but most people need motivation. Then I took a bunch of different things for my sinuses including some of the "fish pills" that Randy had brought me before. I put him and everything else out of my mind and went to bed.

Tuesday driving to work it was very difficult listening to my book on CD, The Alchemist , in the car. I had the volume up as high as it would possibly go! I still was trying to find things to help me get better and one pen pal from my angels group told me to try apple cider vinegar, two tablespoons mixed in water. Then I got to thinking about a friend I had not heard back from in quite sometime, I had no idea why but I decided to not push it, she would or would not answer my messages when she felt like it, still it troubled me and I wondered if she was mad at me for something I had no clue about. I had my pen pal get a "read" on it and she said she sensed that she has retreated to heal.  So she was heavy on my mind as I drove to a Reiki healing circle share that evening when suddenly the idea came into my head that maybe a mutual friend who was angry with me and bashing me all over the place had said something to her, I heard he was saying all kinds of awful untruths about me trying to turn people against me, this friend knew me well and defended me but others do not know me as well as he does. The social circle crowd is full of hurt people who do not behave in the best of ways when they percive they are slighted in some way, its down right nasty actually and I can't tell you how many times people have been angry at me for something and I had no clue and in the end they found out they had mistakenly listened to false information. Its tough being a leader let me tell you, but over the years I have learned to not let it bother me, those who are meant to be in my life find thier way back in time and those who do not that also is fine.... I had no idea if I was right but I sent the angles to handle it and sent her love and light.

The Reiki healing sesssion was very nice, we took turns sharing and giving energy to each other and I was glad to use some of my rusty skills, primarily using my energy on my SpiritStones to give out is nice but its even more rewarding to feel the heat when I am transfering the energy directly to a person, and to hear them say how wonderful it makes them feel. After we did that we held hands in a circle and sent energy to the planet and to the people on it and were encoruaged to name names of people whom we wish to send healing energy to. The friend who hadn't answered my messages was the first name out of my mouth, then my sons and my father and others that I knew. I decided to also include Randy and then reluctantly the name of the man who is angry with me and bashing me to our mutual friends, I know deep down what a good guy he can be, I also know some of his story and thusly his pain.  At then end of the evening the Reiki teacher had various types of card decks out and told us to ask a question and to draw one card, my card said YES, your intuition is right now go and do what is needed to remedy the situation. I knew it meant the friend, all I could think of doing was to continue to send out love and healing energy to her and thats what I started to do, regularly, each time she came to mind...

Wednesday was an un-remakable day, still sick but slightly better. I took Jeremy to buy his groceries and then out to dinner. He got a bit emotional because a court notice had come in the mail. He cried and said his life is still a mess, I tried to comfort him some and wish he could see what I see, its been over a year and no seizure, he drinks less, he smokes less, no drugs, he doesnt fight with me and he's restless to get back to work. Time has brought him healing to him and to our relationship as well I am glad he lives here with me now. In the evening my trainer at the gym called me and I told her I wanted to put the sessions on hold. She was trying to get me to come in, because she gets paid if I come in, but I told her it was senseless for me to use the sessions now when I am sick every other week, I told her I need time to heal before I can get back into working out 3 or 4 times a week again. Its a waste of time to use a trainer if I am not going regularly but I know I will feel more up to it soon and I am not going to feel bad about myself for not feeling like doing it now.

Thursday was the first day of March and I recalled how my grandmother alwasy used to say that if March came in like a lion it would go out like a lamb. It was a cold and drizzly day here and I hoped that counted. After work I went over to Walmart and on an impulse bought a kite, why not I thought? It may be a good way to get some fun exerscise for my new group, and also reliving childhood can often bring up old memories to heal as well. In the parking lot the sky was amazing, a big divide of clear sky vs cloudy, as if it was trying to decide if it wanted to be a lion or lamb. I got a shot of it with my cell phone, see below:

 

It seemed a fitting sight for the day and made me think of the earth and its cycles of wellness (sunny skies) and of healing (storms and clouds).

Friday I had to drive over to PA for a meeting for work, total waste of my time that was! But since I was over there I contacted Mary and had dinner with her.  I had brought up to Mary about the one friend who wasn't answering my messages, she told me she sensed something had hurt her and she had retreated. Invite her to lunch she said, I decided not to do that but I did decided to keep messaging her now and again, she'll come around Mary said. We talked about Randy briefly, she said it was a shame he chose to not heal and grow, how he'd wasted this lifetime, but that it was right of me to stay away from him now and to not keep causing injury to myself because of him. I told her though that I no longer hurt over him, he may want to keep punishing me and being prideful by allowing that woman who does not love him stay there as a barrier to us but that's ok and I am greatful really that she is there otherwise I would have been in her shoes and I wasn't happy when I was there, he just lies wayyyyy too much and lies cause me such internal distress as I sense them but can't believe someone whom I love would be so dishonest with me. After that we headed out. She had a reading to go do and I was really sick by that time of day what with the long drive the long meeting not having acces to my meds and such. She told me that she could see my energy was a mess! So when I finally got home at 8pm I went straight to bed.

Saturday I had a walking event for my group http://www.meetup.com/FunandEasyFitness/ , it was a foggy and drizzly day and many backed out but one person posted and said he was coming so I went, we ened up with one more and the three of us walked for 30 minutes before the rain stopped us. We went out for a nice breakfast though and talked and ended up getting on the topic of pain and therapy and family problems, one really poured out a big problem and the other two of us gave some comfort and advice. We each had a little bit to share of our painful pasts we were healing from. I joked and said we should call this walking-talking and therapy! But see this is why I no longer like the big events with tons of people, these kind we get to know one another on a deeper level. Ah but to each thier own. I brought up the kite flying idea to them and the one guy told me he had several kites in his truck! I guess then you will be up to a kite flying event I asked and will you help me with locations and such and he was very interested. I really think doing some of the things we did as kids is going to be fun and theraputic!

So today I want you to be mindful of yourselvess and to take some time and slow down and see where you need to rest and heal. Also look at some of your relatioships and see if they perhaps need a little care and comfort. I told them today that all any of us really wants is to be loved, just the way we are and I know that each of us were let down in our lives by someome, be it a parent or a sibling or a mate or whoever. Take some time and heal those hurts the best you can......it will open up so many possiblities in your life!

With Love and in the Light,  Cassie

2-27-12 Heart of Truth

“What is uttered from the heart alone, Will win the hearts of others to your own.” 

~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe~

2-27-12   Heart of Truth

So Friday after posting the learning to love myself blog and my work day was over I was exhausted so I took a nap after work hoping to have the energy to go to the Dinner Dance that I had been sent a free ticket to attend. It looked like fun and it was all inclusive so I wanted to go, but I was just way too tired to go. My sinus stuff is really kicking my behind big time, and nearly everyone I know has sinus issues. I personally think it has to do with chem-trails, I have know about them for years now, and finally its becoming main stream knowledge. Still wish I knew how to fight them.... but I digress. I happily spent the evening doing some of my online work. At one point I saw a posted video from True Path Readings, the guy in Indiana who reads my cards. It was a Katy Perry video The One That Got Away. I had heard the song many a time and it made me think of Randy every time but I never saw the video. It really surprised me to see that in the video her boyfriend died in a crash, of course this immediately made me think of Randy up there snowmobiling in Vermont, even he knew danger was lurking for him! So I commented to Ray that this was NOT helping me to forget my daredevil! and he replied Oh Cassie! But since my angel card of the day had been St Michael I decided to pray and ask him to go watch over him, I can't let my love for him hurt me anymore but it doesn't mean that I can't care. In another life we can be together but not this one...

Saturday I woke up early and headed out for my Walking and Talking event for my Fun and Easy Fitness Meetup group. I was blustery cold and I was surprised to see that 7 people came! We only walked for 20 minutes but it was fun and we all went to the diner after for some breakfast, the special with tax and tip was only $5, can't beat that! I went home and happily scheduled one for the following Saturday at a new location. In the evening there was a Board Game Meetup at my new friends house, the one who lives 2 blocks from Randy, I felt better when I saw his truck there and knew he was home safe and not up riding. I got a text from my spiritual adviser about an hour after I got there asking me why was she thinking of me at that time, dang spirits need to give this thing a rest! I replied to her and put it all out of my mind and enjoyed my time at the event. It was soooo much fun, we all had a grand time and she promised to host more, its so nice to have friends in my same town who want to hang out, in Flemington I had friends but everyone was so busy all the time. They are going to join me in my beach picnics this summer!  I am so so very happy that I moved down this town even if I am not going to be with Randy, my heart is still much happier here.

When I got home I checked my e-mails really quick and saw that someone had replied to my blog post, she told me all about her life now and how rough it is and wound it up with:
i just wanted to say thank you for sharing your story.  It is going to help me figure out my messy life.
This blessed me so much and I wrote her back and wished her well, saying I would pray for her and send her Reiki and that she should be so very proud of all she has done so far in her life.I was very glad that these pourings out of my heart and the little lessons I include could help another, she wrote me the next day also and said she was going to start trying to write too. I was so glad.

Sunday I got up and decided to go take my Centery class at the gym. I was so tired and sore that I only did half of the class and then headed home. My sinus stuff was so bad that I was having trouble hearing. I did some online work and then napped. In the evening I was too tired to go out. I ended up calling my spiritual adviser and asked her why did she think Randy had lied to me? She said she wasn't sure that it's almost like lying has become a way of life for him, perhaps he wanted to see how I would react or where it would go. I told him this was bothering me why he lied was a puzzle that I wanted to solve. She said when I speak to him again I should call him on it and ask him. I told her I have no intention of ever contacting him again. You'll speak to him she told me, if you go long enough he will contact you and you will answer him. I told her she was probably right and that annoyed me, I am so disgusted with him for leading me to believe she left when she had not and he knew full well she had not and I am especially mad when we were returning home and he insulted me with the I wish you didn't live near me you are harder to hide comment. My heart and soul thrives on truth and is destroyed with lies and half truths. No wonder I had been weary the whole time I was with him and why I was so hungry too I was starving for truth. I had done my soul a great disservice by  being with him these last two years, I have much Karama to pay for this and scars to heal inside my heart. I have always worked very hard to be an honest person, and I do not lie but I was living in that lie, and with that lie and I damaged my heart. That is probably why it's been aching so, it no longer was a heart of truth. It is time to heal that, I wouldn't want to go on and try to find someone new until I fix it and thus the vibration it gives out. I must first learn to be honest and true to myself.

Today I want you all to pray and seek guidance and "get to the heart of things" seek the truth in your lives.Hold things up to the light and look at them closely. It will take much courage and fortitude but its the only way to lead a truly healthy life. And only a heart that reveals itself in truth can keep another truly close without causing harm.........


With Love and in the Light, Cassie

A Secret Scrolls message from Rhonda Byrne
Creator of The Secret 

When we first learn The Secret it is a defining moment in our life. We realize that everything we have experienced in our life was an effect, and that we caused those experiences through our thoughts and feelings.
In one incredible moment we come face-to-face with the fact that we have been the cause of many good things in our life, but we have also unintentionally brought pain and suffering to ourselves. At the same time, we realize that the future is entirely in our hands, that every possibility can be realized, and that we can easily change anything and everything in our life - through our thoughts and feelings.

Rhonda Byrne
The Secret... bringing joy to billions

2-24-12 Learning to Love Myself- part 2

Friday I woke up to this in my newsfeed, confirming my task at hand for myself:

Can you LOVE yourSelf?

It’s The ULTIMATE FORMULA For JOY!

It’s really simple.
...
Existence is conscious energy.
It creates and explores patterns within itself.
As it evolves form and intellligence these beings (you and I) can
create our own energetic patterns or ‘magnetic resonance’ through
our thoughts and expectations fueled by our emotions.

The easiest and simpliest way to create my perfect environment
is to love myself completely and emotionally all the time. This will
automatically synchronize my experience with all the elements to reinforce my self-love and joy.

- Lou Majors

 

So there I had it, that still was the problem facing me, the reason I was still fat despite my best efforts, the reason I was still alone with out a partner, the reason that was holding me back from all my highest goals. I recalled how two years ago my business partner Victor used to get on my case telling me I didn't love myself, and I swore that I did and he asked me what does it mean what does it feel like what does it look like? I couldn't really answer him, and he'd nag me so much on it. (yeah he was one of those soul mate teachers in my life) But I digress, I guess the real reason I don't know what this looks and feels like is because I never was taught it as a child. But hey its time to give that up and get going on this, but the first thing I am NOT going to do is beat myself up for the fact that I still haven't learned this lesson. I am just going to get right back on task.

So today I want you all to ask yourself Do you love yourself? And HOW do you love yourself and how does it feel? I'd love for you all to share here in the comments, we can make this a group project and learn together!

With Love and in the Light,  Cassie

Whitney Houston - Greatest Love of All

2-24-12 Learning to Love Myself

2-24-12    Learning to Love Myself

Tuesday morning I drove past Randy's house to see if her car was there, I had gone by the day before each time I ran out to run an errand and it wasn't there so I thought he had been lying about her coming back. This time it was there, so either she was back or he had only led me to believe she had left. Or who knows maybe in his mind he led me to think that so we'd have a better weekend? Or perhaps he was testing the waters with me to see if I really did want him? Who knows but one thing I knew for sure I wanted it all to stop. At this moment in time I don't even want to be his friend let alone think of more. He has always lied to me, or misled me or kept things from me and this is why there has always been turmoil. I prayed all the way to work and asked the angles to help me to forget he exists, move on and find someone new and to never look back again. My love for him is strong so I need strong help on this one. I wish I knew what it is in me that kept me believing and holding on, I have spent a great deal of my life waiting for someone to be with me, holding on to hope, not stepping into something real. I guess the real issue here is that I do not trust love so I settle for the possibility of love, that's so much safer to me. Sounds odd I know but I know many with this affliction, perhaps if I can beat it I can help others....... How does one set about learning to trust love, to grab it and live it instead of sit and wait and hope for it? Or worse yet semi-date someone who isn't truly available? That was the question spinning around and around in my brain as I went about my day. And just what was wrong with me that I had believed in him, wanted him, not wanted more for myself? Shortly after that this popped up in my news feed:

It confirmed to me that I wasn't crazy that he was a soul mate, this was a big point with me and why I kept going back. But instead of him being the soul mate for me to marry and spend the rest of my life with he was the soul mate to teach me some lessons. And I was pushed to the brink of nutcase on this one, wanting far too much to believe in what could be instead of just facing what is. I also learned that I still compromised and re-drew that line far too much, that I am not strong enough on who I really am when it comes to filling that aching gaping need inside me, that big burning desire to be LOVED. I am firmly convinced that no one really finds love until they do not NEED it anymore. And the only way to not need it is to love YOURSELF.

Another point this brings up with me is my weight issues, despite the fact that I have been going to the gym and being more active I haven't lost much weight. Main reason is I stress eat, and I sad eat, and I lonely eat, and I want a man eat. That is eat when I am upset or worried and eat when I really want love, that void in there is pretty big and it takes a lot to fill it. I have read some books and articles on the subject but I didn't really get it until today. All weekend long Randy had nagged me on my eating, and I did eat a good bit more than what is the norm for me, blaming it on my allergies and that my body must be craving energy to fight it off and I was so tired too but really I was eating to fulfill the unmet yearnings being with him leaves me, the yearning for true and deep affection and companionship. But this day, this day that I cut myself free of that thing with him that yearning for him and wanting love from him, this day my appetite was down, way down. No cookies for me, I had soup and salad for lunch and my energy was up, way up! I had flipped a switch by deciding that I did not NEED Randy to love me and want to be my mate. Now to remember where that switch is located in case I trip a circuit sometime!

Wednesday I stumbled across an article by Osho called Love or Mutual Masturbation, I love how blunt he is!  It made me again see what I always knew but kept ignoring,  that I had tried to build a relationship around good sex, when we had no hobbies in common, our sleeping and eating schedules did not match, nor how clean we like to keep our surroundings, his messiness is downright unhealthy!. I do not like riding things fast and he does not like going slow enough to see the scenery. And he was never content to go do the things I wanted to do like movies or karaoke or dinner out with friends, he is far too childish to have an adult conversation (and he wonders why people answer his Craigslist ads to go riding then blow him off once they meet him). But both of us out of our deep need to be loved tried to make that proverbial square peg fit in the round hole. I need to get back to the business of loving ME by going out and doing what I love to do, classes at the gym, walking, biking, sightseeing, spending time by the water....and its been so long since I went to a museum! That's what I need to do I told myself. With that in mind, and the unseasonably warm day, when I finished work I headed down to the beach to walk the shore and pick up shells. First I drove by the house on Sunset that I had wanted to buy just to see if they were still there, yep they were. The I drove around looking for other homes for sale with that same view, I am not giving up on that vision that I had of me sitting working from a deck with that view of the bay. Then I went to Cliffwood Beach and walked around and Oh how glorious it was , the sounds of the waves gently lapping were as soothing to my soul as if it were a baby being rocked and sang to in its mothers arms. I guess the earth is my mother though and that is why it soothes my soul so much. I love and nurture myself by spending time in nature. It was Ash Wednesday and the beginning of a new moon--40 days of Lent a time of deep reflection, a time to strip away whatever darkness, confusion, and old patterns cover the sun-the Light- in our hearts. Then, in the spring, we can be reborn into our true nature- our authentic self-on the first full moon in springtime. Yes yes that is what I am going to do. For Lent I give up the NEED to be loved and all the crazy things that need drove me to do.....

Thursday after work I went to see my hospice patient and then to a singles even my friend pulled together. It was the last thing I wanted to do I can't tell you enough how sick I am of the singles scene, especially being an overweight woman over 40. All the men always circle around the few yonger hotter women or the ones in short skirts and high heels. Ugh But then again they just go for that type because of thier own ego insecurities, they want eye candy to show off to thier friends so they look good. I can't tell you how many men I have been a friend and confidante to, who deeply loved me, yet would never date me because of my size. Ahh but does that really matter now? It shouldn't. At any rate I ened up being glad that I went as I talked to a few people who really needed a friend, and were probably feeling a bit insecure themselves. One in particular who really needs help as she is starting a new job, she asked if I had any SpiritStones with me but I did not. I really need to get brave and order some more of those to sell. But anyway I charged her ring for her with some energy and told her to contact me when she gets started as I may trade in my car if I can get a good deal.

Friday I woke up to this in my newsfeed, confirming my task at hand for myself:

contined: http://cassiespath4.blogspot.com/2012/02/2-24-12-learning-to-love-myself-part-2.html

2-21-12 Conditional Love

Our job is unconditional love.

The job of everyone else in our life is to push our buttons.Byron Katie

2-21-12  Conditional Love

Friday bright and early at 5:50 am I got a text from Randy...I'll be there at 6 he said...I told you I need 20 minutes I sent back....OK....he arrived at 6:11am LOL The kid that he is was all excited to get up there. We hit the road and talked and talked and talked like we always do, me doing more listening than talking, but that's ok its always been my personality and I am quite content that way. He looked over at me and asked "do you like me?" and I said sure I like you, we are friends, to which he frowned. I told him now you know get along better that way, leave it be. Then I asked him what he did with the big box of chocolates I got him and he said they were sooo good, he has them next to his bed and eats some everynight. I asked didn't she ask where they came from, he said she hasn't been home. No ? No, not for 2 weeks he said sheepishly. Where did she go? I don't know she split took the dog and left the kids. He said there was something said about going up north to take care of grandma but I am not sure. I asked a series of questions and found out that not only was she and her dog gone but so was all her clothes, half the dishes, all the tolietries, pictures from the wall, and the attic was bare. But the kids were still there and they weren't talking about her at all. I think she left ya I told him.. Maybe he said.. More questions later and I got out of him that she left when he had his vacation scheduled, just a couple weeks after her youngest kid turned 18 and she had threated to do so countless times before. I was speachless. I then asked how are you going to afford to pay  the utilites and the grocery bills for them? I am not he said, the pantry's about bare they will have to start buying food instead of spending money on cigarettes, video games and going out clubbing. I was still floored. I don't care if they are 18 and 21 what kind of mother dissapears on her kids I told him? And how can you afford that electric bill, wasn't it in her name? Has it been paid since she left? Nope, the older boy is gonna have to pay it he said. I also asked about Valentines day, saying that I had felt like my one rose had been pulled from a bigger bouqet. He said no I got her a dozen pink ones, they are still sitting on the table and the cats are eating them. I asked why he got them and he said in case she came home and was mad there was nothing. He then told me the older kid came and gave him an unsigned card and a box of candy and said it was from her. He said he didnt belive it was from her especially since she got him nothing for Christmas. I said I thought you told me she bought you running shoes for Christmas? No I nought them for me and she was supposed to wrap them and pay me back but she didn't. Wow I said...all she got me for my birthday was a box of ding dongs he said and she threw those at me. I had nothing to say about how sad and pathetic I thought it all was. But this is the life he chose over trying to grow and change and get me back. He told me he was glad she was gone though....


We arrived at the hotel shortly after 1 and I wanted to go get lunch, I get ill if I get too far off schedule. But after all the teasing we had done to each other all the way there he wanted some pokey. So we wound up going out for food at 4 and eating in the car as we drove up from St Johnsbury to Island Pond. He wanted to check out the snow conditions as there really wasn't much near the hotel. Before we left I got out a big white SpiritStone and we both held it as I charged it with the intention for snow for him to ride out of the hotel the next morning (I was hoping to be able to have the truck and not be stuck ALL day in the hotel). When we got to Island Pond it looked a bit mushy and not totally frozen so when he wanted me to go for a ride with him I opted to sit in the resteraunt and read my book. He rode for about an hour then came back and got me and rode me a short distance to the bon fire. That was fun we had brownies and tea and watched the snowmobiles come in. I got  video  video2 of that too. We hung out a bit and then went back to the hotel, ordered dinner and hung out in the hot tub some before going to bed. We had two beds but he came over and got in mine with me till I feel asleep. I hoped that I didn't snore and bother him in the night, that was a BIG issue with us when we dated and it drove us apart, he never ever stopped complaining about it instead of us working out solutions. He thinks its silly that I left him over that but he hurt my feelings over it so many times I couldn't stay... Right before bed I asked him, do you think she will come back? Probably he said....

Saturday I woke up before him and saw three snowmobilers heading out the trail behind the hotel and they had no problems, there had been some snow the night before! . I couldn't wait for him to wake up so I could tell him and I peeked over and noticed the ear plugs in his ears. *sigh* he said I didn't snore but I can't imagine him having those in unless I had. Oh well. When he got up we went down to breakfast together and he wound up talking to some other sledders and decided to drive back up to Island Pond to ride. That meant I was stuck all day at the hotel with no car. I didn't really mind though I spent the day online, reading, napping and watching TV, a much needed lazy day. He texted in the early evening Hot Tub at 9pm, I sent back and OK and ordered our dinner of spagetti and meatballs so it would arrive at 8, we could eat and go together. The place called about one and a half hours later to say they were out of pasta!! I called him all upset about 8:45 and he was just arriving back. In the end I had to call a new place then wait for the food while he went to the Hot Tub alone. He didn't stay long though as the place was full of noisy sledders drinking beer and throwing hamburgers around the place like foot balls. So we had a nice evening together but I told him I really do not ever want to move up here, I know we tossed that possiblity around at one point but no way can I deal with the lack of take out or even grocery stores. He said he was seriously re-thinking that himself.

Sunday he woke up and decided that he was going to leave from the hotel. He wanted me to ride with him but looking at that steep hill, and the tales he told of how bumpy the trail had been the day before caused me to chicken out. He was very dissapointed and I told him I was very sorry that I had intended to ride with him a bit on sunday when I told him I wanted to but now in the moment, I was too afraid. It remined me of the summer two years ago when I had come up there with him and chickend out on riding the motorcycle with him. I truly believe if I was meant to ride I would have foumd the courage, he does take awful risks, and rides really fast and he told me himself he is afraid to ride alone anymore, picturing himself injured along the trail and no one finding his body for days. But anyway we had decided to go home that day instead of stay till monday due to the lack of snow and I was glad. The plan was I was going to hang at the room till 1pm then pack the trucj and hang in the lobby by the fireplace with my book while he rode and then we'd head home about 4pm. I had saved half of my dinner from the night before to eat for lunch and was quite content with the plan. But he wasn't gone even a hour when the phone rang, his sled had broken down and I had to get the truck and go pick him up. He was very dissapointed about it breaking down yet again as he had put so much money into it. We drove around and saw some scenery in the truck and he told me he really thinks he's about done and tired of riding and he may give it up, or at least go back to just one sled and come less often and he's pretty darn sure he won't move up here now when he retires.

Later in the day we went to eat lunch before heading home, as we started to walk into the resteraunt he reached for my hand, I started to take it but he was walking too fast and I hadn't been feeling well the whole trip. I said no I do not want to hold your hand I don't want to start acting like that when so much is unsettled. What I was really thinking was when you haven't told me you want to find a way for us to live together now. He looked really sad about it but I just wasnt feeling like budging. So I started in on him about her and he better think about if he wants her back or not and if he does he needs to call and apologize and try to do better, that he could have fixed things with me if he had tried but he didn't. He again said that he just sits back and ends up with what comes to him he has no choices and I said no you DO have choices but you are stubborn and you let them pass you by. We started to head home and he kept talking about the snowmoblie should he fix it, ditch it replace it what, I talked about the kind of man I hoped to find and how I wanted to spend my life near the shore. I gave him the snow SpiritStone though and told him to keep it in his snowmobile jacket to always bring him snow and also to keep him save. We stopped at a Power sports store and he got his eye on a new snowmobile there and I knew what he was going to end up doing.... He then started to comment on how no one had texted or called him all weekend. He was kinda worried about that too so I told him why doesn't he check in? He said oh I bet when I get home she's there. I rolled my eyes. We spent a good deal of the ride home just poking each other's buttons, I honestly don't know why we keep doing this to one another, or should I say I don't know why I do this to him. I have spent all this time growing and evolving and changing and ask any of my really close friends they will say that I have, but when it comes to Randy I still act like a child, and insecure, messed up, totally guarded child. When he dropped me off I was so annoyed with him that when he said see you soon I said No you won't please leave. He did with out a word and the next day when I told him sorry that I had broken my promise to not get mad at him anymore he just said something snotty and I said something snottier back. Ugh I am so ashamed of my behavior. But here we are two people dangling our hearts on a string, keeping them from one another, wanting to be sure all conditions are correct for us to share them. Then again I think I have every right to dangle mine after the way he's treated me, but he thinks the same of me..... *sigh* I know there are lessons here yet for me to learn.......and I shall pray for guidance for that bigger issue. I know it will come... Mary says thought that I kept reacting so guardedly because he never was totally honest with me and he never behaved fully like a grown up relationship so that makes me feel better. But all I can do is try to find the lesson and keep moving onward with my life.

Today I want you to look at your life and your relationships and see where your are loving conditionally, or where you are pushing buttons of the ones that you really do love but just can't seem to show it or let go and feel it and go with the flow of love...... It's a tought thing to do, to just Love and be Loved, no strings attached.........but its by far the most important thing you ever do.....


With Love and in the Light,  Cassie

RIP Whitney Houston 

I Will Always Love You Official Music Video
http://youtu.be/8QaI-M9sxW4

2-17-12 Melting A Cold Cold Heart

The truth is that there is only one terminal dignity - love. And the story of a love is not important - what is important is that one is capable of love. It is perhaps the only glimpse we are permitted of eternity.
Helen Hayes, 1900-1993

 

2-17-12  Melting A Cold Cold Heart

Monday after work I went to the Nursing home to see my hospice patient. She seemed a little agitated as always, worrying over things that she wasn't able to communicate and then crying some. She did get a big smile as I was saying goodbye to her when I told her to have a Happy Valentines Day the next day. I wished she'd let go so she could go home to her husband and spend the day with him, but she is not yet ready to let go, she has said that before, I am not ready to go yet is very clear in her mumblings. I had texted Randy before going in there that I had used all my fish pills and that I was 50% better, good he had replied I will bring you more. While driving home he called me and told me all about his snowmobiling trip and how much this guy had put him down but how in the end his expensive and new snowmobile had broken down and he had to give him a ride and look up how to fix it and repair it in the parking lot at the hotel. He was all proud of himself but he swore to never ride with that guy again. Looks like I am going to get to go to Vermont next weekend and he said yes he'd rather spend the weekend with me. He talked to me all the way home and while I was unpacking my mail, I told him oh goody your V-day gift arrived! He sounded displeased, and I knew him well enough to know why, because now he HAS to go out and get me something, not because he doesnt care but because he doesn't like to spend the money. I didn't say one way or the other just commented that it wasn't nice to act that way when I had just excitedly told him I got him a gift , he mumbled something about geezee it's tomorrow and geezzee I need to work on my sled but I just ignored it.

Meanwhile back at home and there was much hustle and bustle in my home and noise from the basement. turns out one of my roommates had turned my basement into a tattoo parlor and was giving someone a tattoo down there. I asked Jeremy about it and who did Ed think he was and Jeremy said he's not hurting anything and he's trying to make his rent money for ya before you go away....couldn't argue with that I guess. LOL I started wondering if I should get brave and get one.... In the evening I worked some on my blog edits but kept getting distracted by facebook, one of Jeremy's old friends from our old town, a cute boy who adopted me as his Mom had posted something and I replied to it teasing him about a new job, then he posted he liked boys and I knew someone was messing with his site so I texted him and said either you came out of the closet or someones on your account, he got upset called me and dealt with it then texted me later saying the other guy was acting like a dick, I said no he's acting like himself LOL This whole thing amused me to no end though and made me feel glad to have these boys, who seem like family, as a part of my life. Oh and also my older boy Dustin had written me that day as well asking for some guidance on if any of my friends could help him to invest this lump sum payment he was getting from the Air Force. See he knows who his mom is even if we don't see eye to eye on religion... I went to bed that night feeling pretty good, watched part of the move Valentines Day and drifted to sleep......and just after midnight my phone woke me going drrrroooooiiiiiddddd.....

When I woke up in the morning my first thought was now who the heck texted me after midnight? It had been Randy wishing me a Happy Valentine's Day! Now how do you respond to a just after midnight, just after you got into deep sleep Happy Valentine's Day text? Well with a soon as you wake up and read it just after 5am Happy Valentines day text of course! LOL I waited all day to hear from him.....finally when I got home at 5 I saw he had texted at 4:15 (on his way to work) . It said I love You, HAPPY VALENTINES DAY. I was torn between feeling good about the I love you and annoyed that he had to wait till he was not with his family so he could then text me. I was slightly indignant and very sad about that for me AND for them, recalling how I felt when I was his girlfriend and he snuck and called his ex-GF when he was at work or late at night on holidays after I had gone to sleep. I didn't want to say I love you back, I didn't want to feel I love you back, loving him means pain to me because I am still at the point of loving someone means I want to BE with them, and no one can BE with Randy he's too free for that. I settled for You Do? Are you sure? LOL...his reply: Uh happy holiday C U tonite.....I couldn't resist one poke and replied what happened you sent the message to the wrong person? No duh he replied so I said OK c u 9:30....and my phone rang and it was Mary checking on me, she was really hoping that he would get me something for V-day and she was calling to see if he had. I told her maybe, that he was sneaking over after work, probably telling them he had extra deliveries for V-day. I told her he said he loved me and she said he does love you with Randy love, which always leaves you wanting. Yup I know I told her, not worries. TODAY he's what I have..in the future I hope God brings me more but I am going to be grateful today for what I do have. Besides I told her each sandpaper moment I get through with him smooths off a few of my rough edges, I am finally learning to just let things go and not start fights over it. Good she said very good. And I told her my philosophy on guys:

when a woman is in her teens or 20's the advice is Guys are like buses, there's always another one coming around soon.  But when a woman is in her 50's like I am, men are more like an old car, sure its old and its rusty, it breaks down often and it doesn't get you as far as you want to go but if you get rid of it you won't have anything to get you anywhere! Better to keep it around till something better comes along.....ya ya sounds kinda sad, but it's practical and its living in the moment with gratitude for what you do have.... After that I went online to finish my Birthday posts, I go around to each profile my main one and my spiritual one and my cassies caldendar one and wished people Happy Birthday. One I noticed someone from my calender site, who wasn't as old as me it said she had passed on, that was surprising and I thought about how annoying she could be at events, it made me pause wish I had been nicer to her. I read a few more posts and then noticed people talking about the Google Doodle for V-day  so I went to check it out, it really got to me I gotta say, I really could relate to the girl with the cold cold heart, but as you can see it wasn't gifts she wanted all she really wanted was for the boy to spend time and play with her.

I went to bed to wait for Randy and watched the movie Valentine's Day, course that just got me all stirred up on love and romance and the lack thereof in my life. The movie ended and he still wasn't there, I was just abu to text him that I was going to sleep when he showed up. He was 45 min late, but then again he was a UPS driver and it was Valentines Day. He came in with tales of late night floral deliveries, teddy bears and candies and bearing gifts..... 

I noticed that the one rose was silk and one was real, it was already dead, probably hidden in his truck from her, and who knows maybe plucked from a larger buouquet that he got for her. I gave him his very large box of candy and he was really happy with it, I told him I guess we better dump them in  a bag I don't know how you can hide this in your truck. He said he wasn't gonna he was going to take it in the house. I hadn't been in the mood for pokey but I did anyway, and he was especially attentive and stayed till past midnight. I did find out he had worked all day at Sears and that's the reason I didn't hear from him till after 4 so that made me feel better too. We also talked about Vermont, I asked were we going and he hemmed and stalled but I held my temper.... I reminded him he was supposed to give me a final answer yesterday. He went though all the reasons to go to Maine with the guys opposed to Vermont with me. In the end I told him he had 24 more hours and then I was making other plans.

The next day my buddy Mike called me, I had asked him to help my son make some investments plans and he said he was going to reply via e-mail soon. So I asked his advice on the Randy thing, and he reminded me that if i am in this I gotta take him as is, he said once he makes up his mind do not get mad if he don't want to take you but if he does, even if its at the last minute go, if you have no better plans.I really hate how you guys are I told him, yeah we suck don't we? Suck it up and deal or walk! he said. I spent spme time going over the meetup calender and found some things to do, I had a 4 day weekend and I was going to enjoy it somehow I thought. So after work when I ran some errands this was on my mind a good bit till finally I just said to the Universe I don't care, I just don't care whatever happens is fine. My phone went drrroooiiiiddd. It was Randy, the text said: would you like to go to Maine with me? I think my whole body smiled, he had thought of a compromise. Sure I said you're driving don't matter to me where ya take me (its all snow to me I thought) LOL. He texted the name of the place to reserch and I told him I would do it soon as I got home. He called later and we discussed it, then he went back the idea of Vermont, thinking of the 11 hr drive Maine would be. So I told him well if you go with that dude you can go with him, then he went on about how it was no fun to share a hotel room with him, he missed me and if we  went to Vermont he could ride me around to see some scenery. Whatever you want to do I told him, but know I will not ride for long hours or very fast.. He then asked what did I want, I told him I had found some things to do here and whatever he decided was fine. His call waiting beeped and he said he'd let me know. I was telling Adele, my new Reiki pen pal and she said my goodness he's a mess isn't he? Yup I said, but I understood, to him riding as fast as he could for as long and he can in the frozen wilderness is his love, but that's because he too has a cold cold heart and that's how he deals..... It's so much easier to deal when you understand....

Thursday after work I was finishing up packing for Vermont and telling Jeremy I was pretty sure I was going in the morning. Pretty sure he asked raising an eyebrow at me. Yeah you know how Randy is, but last night he was pretty much deciding he'd go with me. It was just after that I got a text and he wanted to know if I could be ready to leave at 6am. I thought about it and said sure, just text me when you wake up. I doupted he'd get up that early and even if he did I'd throw on a sweatsuit and go, I could nap in the truck if I wanted to. He texted a bit and then ended up calling all excited about our trip and that he was bringing TWO snowmobiles so that I can also ride with him! I had plans for me, my Kindle and the fireplace at the hotel but I told him I would give it a try if a flat place and for a short while. He also said he wanted to go out to dinner at this restraunt and he wanted to go on the sleds, I said after dark I wasnt gonna drive but I would ride on the back. He's like a kid how excited he is, and he finally confessed that he's getting scared about riding the trails alone, he keeps having this vision of breaking down and being stranded. Propbably his guardian angels warning him to be careful! LOL I had drug out my last baggie of SpiritStones, I had the idea to seed the whole ride up there but this made me think of also "planting" some along the VAST trails too. Might be a good idea.... So there you have it, I am heading to Vermont tommorow, with my friend. Randy's real happy I don't fight with him anymore and he's behaving much better because of it. I told him now that I just expect him to be my friend and not my boyfriend I lost all the expectations I had of ya. Good he said.....we'll see how good it is when I start looking for a motorcycle guy this spring. LOL But hey thats not today, today I am just going to enjoy what is.......

So today I want you to think about what it takes to melt a cold cold heart.....just a little peaceful time together, side by side just playing and enjoying and no worries no expectations and just loving with ease. It's not about what you spend ON a person either but more about the quality time you spend WITH them.....how many hearts can you work on melting? And have you started on yours???

With Love and in the Light,  Cassie

 "Cold Cold Heart"

I've tried so hard my dear to show
That you're my every dream
Yet you're afraid each thing I do
Is just some evil scheme

A memory from your lonesome past
Keeps us so far apart
Why can't I free your doubtful mind
And melt your cold cold heart

Another love before my time
Made your heart sad an' blue
And so my heart is paying now
For things I didn't do

In anger unkind words are said
That make the teardrops start
Why can't I free your doubtful mind
And melt your cold cold heart

There was a time when I believed
That you belonged to me
But now I know your heart is shackled
To a memory

The more I learn to care for you
The more we drift apart
Why can't I free your doubtful mind
And melt your cold cold heart