The real beloved is that one who is unique,
Who is your beginning and your end.
When you find that one, you'll no longer expect anything else:
That is both the manifest and the mystery.
Rumi ♥
Who is your beginning and your end.
When you find that one, you'll no longer expect anything else:
That is both the manifest and the mystery.
Rumi ♥
Friday morning Jeremy got up and was all cranky, told me he did not like the new guy and he wishes I'd get rid of him. We talked about and it seems that he's up most of the night watching porn and jerking off. I can see where that would be a problem for Jeremy so I told him I'd see if I can do something about it or we'd get rid of him. I left him a note, to keep it down, that he could have some privacy at times but for the most of it he'd have to be more respectful. I always leave notes when there are issues like that, I find they'd rather a chance to change and not have to be confronted face to face. 90% of the time a note is all it takes. I can see why this guy has a problem with porn addiction, he's lonely, he lost his wife, he's over weight and I can see he also has low self esteem. I find that drug addiction, food addiction, sex addiction whatever really is just a way to try to fill the space where love is missing in your life. I told myself I would give him a chance and try to help him but if he didn't' stop he'd have to go.... I got a tad lonely myself and started thinking about Randy so I texted him and said I miss you I wish you'd come see me, half hoping he'd blow off the kid and come see me that night instead... Soon was his reply..... I made a sad face and said OK then added that I sure wish God would bring me my own boyfriend so I didn't have to share him. Oh yeah he replied? Yeah I replied, if you were always waiting for the one you love to find time for you then you'd understand.....
After work I went up to Grace Healthcare to complete my hospice training and to get my second TB thingy. I had a good time and they taught me how to do the aroma therapy hand massage and gave me my name tag and my oils. I just have a few more health tests to complete then I can start volunteering. If I had know about all the medical stuff up front I probably would not have done this but I am glad that I did. I want to share my gift with those in need. I know that I can do much to help the patients and their families in this difficult time of accepting death and moving to the next stage of life. I do also want to find paying clients too so we did discuss that. The rules are strict but not that strict and I am allowed to find clients in the facilities. I am going to leave it to God, he will help me if that is the way I am to make some extra money. All I know is I have big gaps in what I bring in and what goes out and need more I hope something happens soon.....
Saturday I got up and went walking with my neighbor and then to the Alchemy of Attraction seminar we had set up. I was disappointed with the turn out but I was quite pleased with the class and the information and I see that we have much more to give out to them as we go along. I just hope we can come up with a more reasonable price, one that more can afford to come. Its so worth what we are charging it's just my fear that they won't want to pay that much. Time will tell... I left, got my groceries on the way home and talked to a friend who was having some problems at work and then Randy came about 6:30 He came in and sat down at the table as my roommate was there doing laundry and eating so he talked to my roommate for 30 minutes, turns out they have a lot in common when it comes to car and fixing things. When we went in my room though he quizzed me on if I liked him and was he my boyfriend I told him no and asked why are you trying go get rid of me? No just seemed when I walked in he seemed like your boyfriend. We had a nice time together but he left by 8pm. He checked his phone and the kid was texting wanting him to go jog. He could tell I was mad and offered to stay but I said go, it's no fun forcing you to stay here when you'd rather be playing, not that I understand why you want to play when you play with him every day of the week and see me once, but go. He hugged me and kissed me and I just wasn't feeling affectionate anymore so he left.
Sunday my roommate said that Randy was a nice guy but he said he "read him" (remember I told you he can read people) He said he's all over the place, nervous and twitchy, that having a girlfriend stay with him was very important to him, he also said that he's not that into me or any woman that his love is the guys, he said I bet he'd of sat here all night and talked to me instead of hanging with you. Tell me something I don't already know I told him! LOL It did get me to thinking about the seminar the day before and how he said yes people can change but the core personality will always be the same. I know Randy's preference to spend time with the guys instead of his girlfriends has had many a woman leave him. I keep telling myself that I like a lot of alone time and do not want a clingy guy and I am OK with who he is... but perhaps the time that I am required to fill that he leaves me alone is just too great.. I can't kid myself and blame the people he lives with, he was also like this when he loved me most and I was his main person...
I headed off to the train station to meet my cousin and his boyfriend for their annual NYC trip up from Florida. I was really paying close attention at the train station to markings where it said look out for the gap, look out for the gap. One little girl waiting for the train kept repeating it, and each stop we made they reminded us to look out for the gap, the gap being the space between the train and the platform. I really enjoyed brunch with my cousin, his boyfriend and the ornament designer they had be-friended. My cousin sells christmas ornaments and calls himself the christmas addict He got that way when we were kids, we decorated like crazy together, we grew up together like brother and sister. I never had any brothers and sisters and he got left with us often because his mom was out running around trying to find men to fill the gaps in her own life. But I digress, I was certainly glad that we had been able to be there for one another growing up. After brunch we went to see as many sights as we could, Brad going off often to take photos of the window displays. Mia was quite the character and at one point when we lost Brad she says to Rik maybe he found someone new and has left you? His reply was interesting, he said: well I hope not because I would miss him but if he's happier with someone new I would wish him the best and want him to be happy and I am glad that he shared such a large part of it, I have had everything I wanted in him. Don't ya just love gay men? They are so sweet and profound and their love is deep....perhaps because they suffered so much to have it? That's one of my theories anyway. Anyway here's a picture of the four of us in front of the tree yesterday:
With Love and in the Light, Cassie
No comments:
Post a Comment