"It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see." ~ Henry David Thoreau
12-23-11 Life is Like a Kaleidoscope
Monday I was just so weary and broken from all the aggravation that is life. I had a meeting with a difficult co-worker who had been giving me grief over a requirement he didn't want to provide. My job is hard enough without having to do battle over stuff I need. Its even more difficult when he makes probably 3 or 4 times my salary as well and brags about all his vacations he takes, vacations that I can only dream about.... I was too weary even to go to the gym, so I decided to go get a few groceries. Money was tight but I had to have a few things, I felt led to go to a particular store and was VERY pleased to find that ALL the things I needed were on sale, some at clearance prices! I know I was guided to that store that night and felt a little better. Randy also texted me to tell me that one of my gifts had arrived in the mail. I was excited and told him so and said that was probably the only gift I would get this year (I knew my Dad was very low and Dustin had said he was short and Jeremy kept blowing his unemployment money) Randy texted back that he got me TWO presents and I said wow you must like me A LOT....sure do was his reply.
Tuesday morning getting ready for work I was praying and I decided that I had to quit saying and thinking that I don't ever get a break financially and I needed to keep positive and hopeful and with that I prayed: bring me more income! When I got the office a certificate for an Encore award was waiting for me. The co-worker who had given me grief the day before had nominated me. The award was just $100 but it will count in my favor when its time to look at a possible promotion. Just after that Randy texted and said he had both of my gifts now and could bring them to me early on Wednesday. I replied that I was working from home and he could stop by for a short while. It was nice so see him so excited about my Christmas gifts. See I am teaching him the joy of giving! He really isn't a selfish person, despite the fact he never buys me things. Its because he was taught to hoard and keep close to himself every penny that he can. His mom taught him this, and because of her mental illnesses she took it to an extreme and thusly he has been overly cautious. I on the other hand have been just the opposite, spending and giving beyond my means. But then again I am always provided for one way or another.....but still Randy is teaching me ways that I waste that I never thought of and I am working on it.
Next after doing my morning workflow and settling in for my quickie breakfast break I went to apply for Jeremy's weekly unemployment benefits. He was denied, stating that his year was up, even though last I looked he had plenty of money left and I was told unemployment pays for two years. I wondered if congress had made any changes that I missed? I started to worry but was reminded that the card of the day had been Serenity reminding me to remain calm in turmoil and know that I would be miraculously provided for.I called him and gave him the number to call and straighten it out and we decided I would get him Thursday after work and bring him home so he could pack for our ride to Ohio. Shortly after that my meetup payment of $100 came in from Columbia Sportswear so I felt that I was on the right track financially after all and that this mess with his unemployment was going to lead to better things one way or another. I was going to keep the faith.
Wednesday was the Solstice, I was working from home and waiting also for Randy to come bring me my gifts. Noting that it was a special day energetically, the day that the season turns and the light begins to come back and get stronger again. (June 21st is the longest day of the year, December 21st the shortest) I just knew it was going to be a special day and it really was! Randy showed up about lunchtime and since I had such a stressful morning with my job I decided to take a lunch break for a change and sit down and eat with him while I opened my gifts he brought. I had made myself soup and made him a plate of leftovers and while it was heating in the microwave I opened my gifts one by one and was so surprised to see that he made the perfect choices! This shows to me that he loves ME because he pays attention to what I want and he gets me what he knows I will want. No one has ever done that for me, paid attention and got me what I wanted. My mother never did, my husband never did, but Randy now he really had put some thought into them! The first gift was an Ionic room air cleaner, one just like he had in his room that I missed and often said sadly how much I missed his bedroom and the clean smell. It as a refurbished one and not a new one but I know that what he paid for even that was a sacrifice for him and it meant a great deal to me. He said now you can smell your room and think of me every time! I will too, and that smell will remind me of our nights together in his house and the feeling of really being a couple . The next gift was a box of chocolate covered cherries, a gift he always got from his mom and we always ate together, a simple gift of love. The last gift was 4 sets of PURPLE Christmas lights!!! Just like the sets that he had given to me that one Christmas we had together several years ago that I had left in his attic and the new woman had given away! He had gone on e-bay and found them and ordered them all the way from California, he had looked for new ones for me for years and never found any. I told him that Walmart has them now, I probably should have kept that to myself poor guy. LOL
As we sat there eating and talking I looked over at him and he looked so handsome to me, the love for him was so strong that I just can't deny it, who can fight a love like that? Who would want to? I must make peace with it somehow I thought. That was when I told him, you know I promise to always be your friend no matter what happens. You do he asked smiling? Yep I do! Its been predicted that in the New Year the man who is to be my mate will come along to me but I promise no matter who he ends up being I will stay your friend and I also promise to never fight with you ever again. Good he said I hate when you get so mad at me and send me that hate e-mail and then dump me and waste so much time when we could be having fun. I know I know I promise if I write one I won't mail it I told him. I then asked him was he still taking me to Vermont with him and he said yes very enthusiastically but I don't know when yet, gotta watch the weather for snow. Then I asked did he want to go to the gym with me next week and he did not and he showed me how he had fell at work and gotten hurt, a small scrape on his elbow and a big bruise on his side. I kissed them both and hugged him and told him to hang out with me I will fix him. You always do he said just before heading back home....
Later after he left and I smelled my room I texted him to thank him again and said see you do love me don't you? Of course was his reply. I replied that I just never ever felt like he did because he loves to play and hang out with the guys so much, that's why I get mad and sad and don't feel loved by you. He replied: Stop .. and be happy, I will make it a nice Christmas for U and me. I then asked him did he like his video camera and had I put enough thought into that and he replied yes that he loved it and it was perfect. I had been thrilled to find him one for only $10 on 1saleaday . Later in the evening while he was working he called me and we talked for a long time, over an hour. I was very happy with that and felt the bond of us getting stronger....but then something came up about them and I started to feel bad and I told him that I had to go. I didn't want reality ruining my nice day, plenty of time for that another day.... I thought more about what I had told him at lunch. That life is like a Kaleidoscope, and that if you make just one tiny little change the picture completely changes to something else! That is the beauty and the mystery of life, if you do not like what you see, make a little change and see how it unfolds.....
Thursday in the office my co-worker came up to talk to me and said in the new year he will come and see what he can do to help streamline the process. He said he didn't realize how much it had grown from when he did the complaints. I told him there are 10 times as many now and many more requirements too. Plus we are all overworked, the economy gets worse and worse and those of us who still manage to have jobs have so much more work to do. But at least I was getting him to see how it was now and he can look at it with a new perspective. I also got an e-mail from my Dad. He told me he had the "bed clothes" all washed on the bed I would be sleeping in and he bought my favorite cookies and that at 5pm he was heading to Aunt Brenda's so if we arrived after that to meet him there. I reflected on how this time last year I swore I'd never speak to him again, so full of hurt and pain at his condemnation of my spiritual beliefs. And I had not gone home for Christmas either, partly due to finances, partly due to the fighting, a choice I will regret all my life because it was my Mom's last Christmas..... But when she died in February he death brought my Dad and I to a place of truce, he and my son who also thinks I am going to hell. We just do not talk about subjects that cause upset and stick to the safe things, that's really all that matters.
Thursday after work I went to Flemington to pick up Jeremy, I gave him him the few things I had been able to get him and he was happy with them. He had gifts for me too, he had worked for Alexes Dad all day and his wife had got me an expensive hat and scarf, $40 each! I felt bad he had worked so hard for expensive stuff but he was so happy to have been able to get me something. That night he and I went to I-Hop for dinner, I had a buy one get one free coupon so we both ate for $15! After dinner we got my video camera and drove around town and took some footage of all the lights on the houses. We are not used to all this, in Flemington you'd see a huge home with one wreath on the front door with a spot light, here in Cliffwood beach they have tiny little houses but they go all out. If you want to see them you can go to my videos to check them out. He told me that he thinks he is going to go to Florida after the holidays to live with his friend Alex. I have mixed feelings about that for sure, but he is 21 and he needs some adventures and experiences. Earlier in the day I had gottne a Bibliomancy reading on this free online site, consulting about Randy.....the reading had been about a woman running around picking things up cleaning her home with a baby in her arms, the last line saying how did she think she could ever manage with a second child. I felt it meant I should really consider did I want Randy, it would be like having another kid for sure. But at home, picking up the mess from Jeremy the next day, making him his lunch etc. I did have a bittersweet thought on it and part of me gets so annoyed, part of me truly loves to have someone to "mother". I truly don't mind mothering my man, making his soup, buying him socks, folding his clothes. Perhaps the reading was to show me that I needed to finish with Jeremy THEN I could have someone new to mother.....if it was to be Randy I knew it would be better if he were on his own first as they just don't get along so well.... One of the houses in the videos is Randy's and as I drove by it last night I realized again how tacky and run down it is and how I hadn't wanted to live there, had wanted us to sell our homes and get a new one. I don't maybe I wasn't apreciatve enough. I texted him to see if he was going to come see me that night, my last one before my trip....he replied that he can't make it..........I said no more. Oh well I am going to sit back and let fate twist my kalediscope a bit.........see what kind of patters it can come up with.... I know I deserve better than what Randy offers, but I know he can do better too when he wants to. Then again I have been less than perfect myself, yet I know I still deserve to be loved for the good that I am, and belived in for the better that I plan to do. Its the same for all the people in our lives......
The 24th is tommorow, and it is the new moon, a good time to reflect on things as stated below in a post that I found:
When the new moon comes after a winter solstice, it's time to review our year. Go over the "Life Lessons we experienced" may they have been good, painful and hurtful. See what this lessons brought to you, except the lessons, learn from the lessons. Then light a small white candle in place in a window, thank the universe for the life lessons, see what insight they brought to you, and mentally let them fly out the window, with a grateful "Thank you" and that those lessons need not come back again, You have learned from them. Let the candle burn out and release the lessons, the pain etc! This prepares you for entering the New Year and the new "life Lessons".
Today I want you to look at the people in your lives and see the good in them, and love them for that. And if your life is less that perfect right now just make a little adjustment and see what new visions you can bring to it with each tiny change.............
With Love and In the Light, Cassie
Have a Blessed Holiday Season and a very Merry Christmas!
http://youtu.be/51bO1CVPWRA
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