12-16-11 The Door Will Open
Monday I saw Randy heading out to work even though I passed by his turn off and went further down so as not to drive by his house anymore as Mary suggested. He was just getting on 35 when I passed 7-11 though so I still saw him, but I did not text him and he didn't text me. I did however get a text from someone from my meetup, a single mom what was looking for a friend and said she lived in the same town as me. Turns out she lives on Randy's side of town, just one street over! LOL But anyway she and I made plans to have tea together Wed night. My one roommate came home and was upset because the local psychic in town came in to the diner where he was having dinner and he asked her about the woman he likes, her reply was that he'd have to change a great deal in order to be with her. He was upset but I told him we talked about this already, your idea of a relationship and hers is far different, you would have to change a great deal if you wanted to be with her...the question is do you WANT to change that much?
Wednesday the card was Romance and I felt like it was a sign that Anza had heard my prayer the night before. I was so compelled to pray to her when I read the chapter in Doreen Virtues book Temples on the Other Side. I am getting so much out of that little clearance rack book! If you ever feel compelled to browse the clearance rack, a used book store or even a yard sale do so. Many a book has found its way to my possession that I never would have otherwise read and it turned out to be so important to my spiritual path. I worked from home that day and was headed out to the chirpractor and the library then planned later to go meet the new friend on the other side of Cliffwood Beach. She texted me though and said she had a hectic day and we'd need to take a rain check. Wow a lot of evening to fill I thought to myself.. I did so enjoy my trip the library and was able to check out FIVE books on CD for my drive to Ohio and back and she gave me three weeks instead of two when I asked what the daily late fee would be (only 5cents) If you haven't been to a library lately GO! There is plenty of FREE entertainment there, books, movies, music, internet access...
After I left there I really had nothing else to do, living in this tiny house there's not much cleaning to do, Jeremy was away still so no groceries to run and get, I had gone to the gym the night before... I finally decided to stop at that diner close to my house and have dinner and see if I could get up the nerve to ask about doing game day events there. I ordered a Cheesburger because the dinners seemed so expensive (I sure do miss the days of eating out and dropping 20 or 30 or more and thinking little of it). Now I gotta keep it under 10... I ate my food and watched the TV at the counter trying to get up the nerve to ask for the manager. Finally she brought me my check so I gave her my card and asked her to give it to him and to have him call me. The other waitress piped in and said he's over there and called him over. In the end I went to the back and spoke to his wife and explained what I wanted to do. She said she'd call me in the New Year and we can set something up. I was very pleased with myself! I still hate doing this but I know that I can if I have to now. That night I prayed before bed and asked Anza to help me to make some more money, a talk with my roommate had set me off worrying about it all over again.....
Thursday the card was Soulmate I thought to myself wow, they really must be working on this issue for me to have a man to share my life with after the whole week the cards had been on this topic! I was going to sit here and trust too that they were working on it and not think or worry about it anymore, I was going to accept what is. I then shifted my thoughts to the dream I had the night before. In my dream my sorority sister Trish was going to work at a nursing home and told me I should also, I did not want to but she talked me into it just before I woke up. So at work that day I contacted my hospice care person and she called and found me a place to go right near my office to do my volunteer work, something I think will bring me Reiki clients. I met her there and the one paitent they have there and promised to go back on monday. I was bummed though about my long commute home after that, with the more traffic and the later time it took twice as long, but I must think of the caring I can do and pray for someplace closer to me moving forward.
That night I was sending the cassies calendar newsletter when I got a text from Randy....He asked if I had forgotten about him.....I said no just wondering how long it would take him to miss me. He said he been freaking out for 3 days worrying that I was cheating on him. I reminded him that we were just friends with benifits so it would not be cheating had I found myself someone else. He then told me that it was the anniversay of the day he bought his house 15 years ago. I noted that it was just one month before my ex went to jail that was the catalyst to my seperation and divorce. When I realized how many years that I have been alone it made me very very sad. I felt like getting angry at him all over for having that other family instead of working on US but I just didn't have the energy. Instead I told him I had cookies here if he wanted them, I had made some sat but did not make him a box like usual, but the box I prepared to take to the friends house the night before was stitting there. I will be there to get them after work he texted....... And he came, we sat and talked and he wanted to know why I hadn't been asking him over or texting and I said because I need to focus on finding my own guy. I told him I had an event saturday night and I was going to plan a singles event EVERY saturday night till I find someone. He rolled his eyes. I then asked him who he tells her all these contianers of cookies and soups and stews and spagetti come from. She doesn't ask he said and I knew it was the truth....I rolled my eyes. He told me that the older boy got accepted into the Navy and he ships out in August....I ignored that and shifted to the story of what happend to my mixer and asking him if he can fix it. He said he'd take it apart on sunday when he came over.........
Friday the card was power, and I sure felt that I needed some......work issues were bugging me so much I got mad but I calmed down and thanked God that I have a job. A roomate paid me two weeks rent so I gathered the money for the bills and set aside to go get money orders. Then the mail came and the credit card company who gave me 0 interest for a year for making a balance transfer now expired and the intrest charge alone each month is more than what the payments have been! I am crying uncle on that one, I just can't pay it anymore and I set it aside to call them next week, they can either work with me or I am going to file bankruptcy I thought. I just can't fight this all anymore, I am going to have to accpet it. Randy lives with them and I do not have a mate. My house is stripped bear and no one has bought it, the housing market has taken what was a home with over $200 thousand in equity and left me next to nothing, as a result of this I have credit card depts that too big for me to pay off, and despite how hard I bust my butt at my job something always seems to keep me from shining in those crucial moments and get me a promotion. I surrender! I surrender! I am just going to sit back and see what happens to me, what comes my way, what shows up on my door. I give up and I give it all to God and to Anza.
Today, as I sit here in this dark cold time of the year. Older and weaker than my younger days I am tired. I bet many of you are cold and tired too.......tired of struggling sometimes just to get by day to day. I am telling you now, accept your troubles and trust that once you do, the door will open.........
With Love and in the Light, Cassie
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