12-19-12 Happiness is Like a Cat

 Happiness is like a cat, If you try to coax it or call it, it will avoid you; it will never come. But if you pay not attention to it and go about your business, you'll find it rubbing against your legs and jumping into your lap.
William Bennett

12-19-12

Well Friday I got to the point of just giving up on it all. Inspired by that I shot off a quick e-mail to my lawyer and told him about the robbery, the insurance cancellation and the visit from the township guy. I told him if he thinks its OK to let them know they CAN remove that oil tank, since I have no way to heat the house now anyway it doesn't matter. But to make it clear to them there is no insurance policy to file a claim against if they find anything. I don't think they will but who knows. I left it in Gods and my Lawyers hands to decide now what to do. I also decided to give up trying to keep up with the payments on one of my bigger credit cards, they had given me a deal for 1 yr 0 interest and now it was time to pay the piper, I really should have checked the pipers prices first! OMG

Saturday I woke up and texted my neighbor to see if she wanted to go walking but she was not able to go. I debate between a walk or the gym and finally decided to go to the gym. On a whim I checked the class schedule and saw they were doing one called  Centergy so I went to it. It was basically a Yoga class to music, I liked it! I couldn't do all the stuff but I did most of it and I will keep going. On my way out I was talking to the guy is trying to get me to buy some sessions with a trainer, right at that moment the woman came in from earlier in the week, the one who left her badge hanging on the bike and I had returned it to the desk. She was saying she lost her badge and I told them to look in lost and found. Everyone was amazed that I had been there right at that moment but I am starting to not question these synchronstic moments anymore.In the evening I had my dinner and movie event and we had a wonderful time! The movie was very very good, the food good and the company wonderful! I am so glad there are people like me who actually prefer to spend a Saturday night at the movies, dressed casually instead of out clubbing and drinking and dancing. I can do what I like and find people to do it and I promised to do many more events like this one!

Sunday I slept late and didn't get to text my neighbor to go for a walk as was my plan, but I decided I deserved a lazy Sunday morning for a change. I cooked myself breakfast and my roommate was there so I fed him too in exchange for getting him to fix my lights in the basement. I miss Jeremy being around but at least I have help when I need it. I looked at the broken mixer still sitting and wondered if Randy would show that night and work on it as promised, he hadn't texted me since I saw him Thursday and I wasn't planning on texting him either. I headed off to my yoga class in the afternoon and there was one new woman who came. She was so happy she was gushing telling us all about her new boyfriend and how he's taken lately to saying I love you to her. He is 48 and she is 61 and she said I wasn't even looking for a guy! She told of how he kept showing interest and he pursued her.  I wished I had someone to pursue me so much.....Nancy my yoga teacher could see the sad look on my face and said don't worry your love will come to you too when you least expect it, in the meantime you are meant to be single so that you do all this great event organizing! Yeah yeah I said and knew she was right, still I couldn't help but feel lonely as I headed home. I realized that I still didn't know if Randy was coming that night or not and debated with myself on if I was going to bother to text him or not but when I got home I saw his gifts I had waiting and the cookies so I texted and asked..........Yup he replied....

While I was waiting for Randy my roommate came home and we talked a bit, he asked me the story of how Randy and I got together in the first place so I told him of how we met from a Craigslist ad, how he had called me all the time and pursued me for months, I refusing to date him despite the fact I thought he was cute because our interests were so different. I had recognized him to be a very sweet guy though and kept talking to him in hopes of finding the right woman for him... In the end he had agreed to go on a date with me to make another guy jealous and it turned out that I liked him after all! I am awfully finicky about men and don't let them get close to me easily I must confess....but anyway...... He arrived an hour late, having had a very busy day at the auto shop. He was very very happy with his gifts, I had made him a stocking too and he said his mom had never made them for him. He was really upset that my gift he had ordered had not yet arrived and I said I hope it didn't come and SHE got rid of it like she did my purple lights! We had a very nice time together though and then laying there cuddling later he was saying how lonely he gets working evenings and being off all day during the week. When he got on the story of eating lunch alone I got upset though because I had told him many times that he can come to eat lunch with me the days I am working from home. I also complained because he never called or texted me much in between visits. He told me he doesn't because I am so often mad at him, and I send him angry e-mails and he never knows what he's going to get so he just sits and waits to hear from me. I always answer right away he reminded me. I was still kinda annoyed and started my usual "I am going to stop contacting you and start looking really hard for a better boyfriend" speech. He got all sad and was hugging me and begging me not to dump him again. He just doesn't get it I thought to myself and I was just standing there waiting for him to leave already..........

He didn't though he stayed and tried some more to reason with me. He said you are like a cat, if I try to get you to come to me you ignore me and go you own way. I never know what kind of mood you are going to be in.  I have learned that the best thing to do is wait to hear from you. I wasn't buying it from him %100 figuring it was an excuse but after he left I did do some thinking about how much I have snarled at him over the years. I do always get mad, because I am always hurt. I am hurt less easily than I was in the past but still there is an issue there that needs more healing. Again I am hurt because I am left alone so much and I want someone who gives more of his time to me.......yet not in a clingy puppy dog kinda way either... But yes happiness, and love, IS like a cat...........the more you chase it the less it comes but if you sit down and relax and wait it will come to you.........

Today is a good day to look at your own life and see where maybe you scared off your own happiness and sent is scurrying under the bed to hide........ We all do it you know, so full of past hurts and pains that we react when people seemingly let us down.....This is the holiday season so we will have many a chance to practice this with family.........let me know how you do!

With Love and in the Light, Cassie