12-12-11 Do Not Go Away

 If the door shuts, do not go away.
Be patient, even if every possibility seems closed.
The friend has secret ways known to no one else.
Rumi ♥

12-12-11   Do Not Go Away

Friday night I was supposed to go out for girls night but I was not feeling well, the "female stuff" was back and I just wasn't up to it. A few backed out and only one confirmed so I decided it was a good night to stay home...or at least not get dressed up and go sit in a noisy club...  I did a usual Friday night thing and that was go to walmart and get a burger on the way home. Then for some reason I can't explain other than the full moon I couldn't go to sleep till well past 1am...

Saturday I got up and went walking with my neighbor Mary. She and I always use this time to vent and get stuff out that's bugging us in our lives and get each others thoughts and opinions and such. When we got on the Randy topic she told me that I really need to cut off all ties with him for a bit because he's blocking me from finding someone else. She also told me that I am becoming stalkerish and its down right creepy. I thought about it and said OK fine I am going to set the intention today to not contact him, this is a lunar eclipse and thus a strong energy day so I am going to set some intentions out loud with you as my witness. I added go to the gym 3 days a week, and find ways to make more money by helping others. She stated some of hers also. I went home, showered and went over to meet Joe from the divorce group. I was a bit concerned that he has not set up the terms yet of how much we are going to get a share of the singles seminars we are doing and I told him we need to get on that. He is a great guy and he helps so many people, his goals are my goals but I can see him being like I have been these past 10 yrs and that is allowing others to make money off his hard work and he get nothing. I made a vow to myself that I am not going to let that happen anymore.

After our meeting I walked through a flea market and got some bins and Home Depot and when I got home I had the urge to go see a movie. I had told Mary I would meet her for dinner and a movie but she said she'd let me know. I checked the schedule in town and saw I had just enough time to hit the last matinee of Breaking Dawn so I rushed out to see it....Mary called me while I was in there. I was hungry and thought I could go meet her for dinner but it took me an hour to reach her again. I thought about Randy and wished he would contact me and take me to dinner, I knew he was off that day and had plans to Christmas shop and  wrap and decorate his house and I knew his "family" wasn't around till later. But I never heard from him.. Mary called and wanted me to come meet her but it was 7pm I was starving and didn't want to drive that far in the dark. I got kinda weepy on the phone saying here I am home alone on a saturday night again this winter, I promised myself I would do differently once I moved, but truth is I just don't want to go out I want to stay home I just wish I had someone to stay home with. In the end I ended up setting up chat in my singles facebook group , baking some cookies and watching a re-run of When Harry Met Sally. That wasn't so bad, not untill my stand mixer blew up, the dough had been too thick and smoke started coming from the motor and once I stopped it I never got it started again. I was so upset, my husband had given that to me for Christmas one of the early good years, and besides I could not afford to replace it! I texted Randy explaining what happened and asking if he could fix it....he replied: It's shot......now how am I going to make cookies? I got no reply....

I headed to bed, feeling lonely and depressed and thought about how many years I have been watching this movie, all alone and feeling sad. I looked it up the next day as I wanted to use a quote from it for an article I was writing to promote CassiesCalendar.com and saw it came out in 1989, the year that I got married.... and i been watching it in reruns for 14 years, since I got divorced in 97....how pathetic am I, I thought? I read a little and fell asleep early... Sunday I woke up at 5am, the cat playing in my room and a dream fresh in my mind. I was moving to a new home, and people with trailers setting up around me, I saw someone who needed some help and I went to get some Spiritstones to give them and go talk to them but my guides were there and told me to not GIVE them away anymore, that it was time to start selling them for a small cost to earn some money. Then I saw Jeremy and there he was, 6 yrs old trying to text his father and crying. He missed him so, I realized I have not done enough to show him how to heal over that and told myself that I would. Yet another reason Randy was not a good choice for me I thought. Since I had gotten up so early I decided to go to the gym, I didn't have to meet Rich till 12:30...

On a whim I checked the gyms website a saw a kick class was starting in 20 min... I got ready and got there and asked what I had to do to get in on the class, easy enough I thought....I went to the locker to put my coat away and headed out and talked myself out of the class and was just going to head to the women's gym....but I saw it was the exact time the class was starting....so I went! I could not keep up but I made a fair effort of it and didn't embarrass myself too darn much. I decided to keep coming to that one and to encourage an local overweight friend to join me, I know she tired it and was intimidated but I know she'd like it if she got over feeling inadequate compared to the others. I checked my weight and saw I had lost 5 lbs since I started so I headed home happy and psyched!  I passed Randy on 35 as he was heading to Sears....... Mary's gonna nag me when she sees this but I texted hi I just passed you.....he replied oh Hi. I left it at that and went home showered and checked in with Rich. Since he was running late and hadn't scheduled the meeting I headed up to walk around the mall and price new mixers and soak in some of that Christmas gift giving energy. Many people criticize how commercialized Christmas has gotten but I still think its lovely that people want to show how much they appreciate the gift of having someone in their life by giving them a gift to thank them. That's how I see it anyway. I only wish I had more money to give even more gifts to those I love or those I see who need some love.

I arrived at the mall and just walked in at 1 when Rich texted that our meeting was a 1:30..ugh I thought and called him to see if he could do this without me and coached him on it. He said yes he could and I told him some things to discuss and I told him he would be good at it. He did a good job too when he called me back to report in. Who knows perhaps we have found something for him...he is good with people. Our mutual friend tired to help him but he pushes him too much, I am taking the praise him on the little things approach and he will do better. While I was shopping Randy texted me to say he got me a Christmas gift. I was so happy! That man isn't much of a giver if he opens his wallet it means something. I played and texted back and forth asking him for hints on what it was and saying I hope I am not being annoying but this is probably the ONLY gift I will get this year. He didn't mind. When I got home the following message was at the top of my page: Never give up on something that you can’t go a day without thinking about.

http://www.positivelypositive.com/
That message was pretty clear. He means too much to me to throw him away, I just need to keep working on my expectations of him and who he is to me in my life, put my energy into what IS and not what I hope is going to be. He's not the partner I want but I should be strong enough to be his friend without it ripping a piece of my heart out. He never came over that night to see me, I hadn't asked him to, I am going to stop asking for him or anyone and instead just see who God sends to my door....Monday morning the angel-card-of-the-day was New Love. I know that God is working on this for me......


Today I want you to be grateful for whoever and whatever is showing up in your life and to encourage you to embrace whomever and whatever that is. Do not run and hide from it but instead accept it with gratitude for it just the way that it is. For each and every person and situation that crosses your path is a gift of love and you should never turn away from it.


With Love and in the Light, Cassie

The Guest House

by Rumi

This being human is a guest house.

Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,

some momentary awareness comes

as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,

who violently sweep your house

empty of its furniture,

still, treat each guest honorably.

He may be clearing you out

for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,

meet them at the door laughing,

and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,

because each has been sent

as a guide from beyond.