10-3-11 Dropping The Rope

10-3-11    Dropping The Rope

Friday when "I got home from work" by turning off my computer and putting it away (have I told you how much I LOVE working from home?) I had plans to meet with a woman who lived near by as she wanted to look over the jewelry catalog for a party I am having for my friend in November. I am so worried I won't get enough sales for her and I want to help her so badly. Anyway the friend came, freshly baked cranberry cake in hand, and we had a lovely lovely chat. We had only met one other time but I felt very close to her and she said the same to me, that she felt like we had been friends in a past life. It was really kewl to talk and find out how much we think alike! We both agreed that it must be a part of the shift, that more and more like minded people are being brought together so we can work together. We only got to talk for an hour though as I had planned a walk with my neighbor. That turned out to be a very good thing. We talked about a lot of things, my house not selling yet, my finances (she thinks bankruptcy may be a good idea), the stuff with Randy (she reads my blog and knows the whole story). On that issue she said do I really want to settle for how little he gives to me and I said no I don't but I do miss him so I think I want to try and be just friends only. She said she was friends with an ex but it took years to get there, I told her I think I can do it, we shall see....Walking and talking, sometimes you can get so much accomplished with so simple a thing, I hope this is the start of many more walks.....

Saturday morning I got up and checked my e-mail before going to the event. Randy's reply to my maybe was that oh OK well I have to work till 8 on Sunday and did Jeremy say he had fun when I took him out on his birthday. I replied that yes he had fun and I can't go out that late on a Sunday so text me later if he wanted to hang or else we'd catch up another time. I headed off to the event with the new meetup group Shore 114 and I am so glad that I scraped up the money and went! We had loads of fun despite that it was a small group and we really got to talk and know each other better. I am glad that I seem to be getting better and better about instinctively know which of the many events to choose and which to skip. We talked and laughed all through the town, got to check out so many lovely places and I even got a free T-shirt! By the end of the day though I was exhausted but just about the time I was saying my goodbyes I got a text from Randy.....Hi.....  I replied Hi back and said my goodbyes and headed to my car, it was about 30 min before time for him to get off work. He texted back and forth and I finally asked are you going to Bhars or not...thinking about it he said....well I am passing by there in 10 min so if you'd don't decide by then I am going to keep driving I replied and then turned the car on and headed towards home. Meet you there in 15 he replied....

I took a ride through The Hook before going there and he had already ordered a drink and some food, which he did share, I ordered a soda, which he took the money for when I handed it over. He just kept saying Hi, Hi, Hi over and over which is what he does when he doesn't know what to say. I asked him where was his re-set button. I told him about my day and all the fun friends I have been making, he didn't seem too interested. He told me of all the playing he did with "his kids" during the hurricane and how they play on the playground now, I know I wasn't too interested in that. Then he told me how much Jeremy drank the night he took him out and how he was embarrassed and went to sit in the car. I told him you know you can't let him drink hard alcohol, he turns into his father. Wow I am sorry you had to live with that he said. I told him you asked me if you could take him for a beer, that was a yes, shots too you should have asked I would have told ya. He went on and on about how drunk he got, on his tab no less, and I said well you should have cut him off, I should have known you were a bad choice to hang with him Jeremy needs a firm person not someone like you who he can push around (much like your "family" now I thought to myself) The older boy is moving back home though, he says he thinks that his roommates don't like him and told long stories about how they all disrespect his home. He then started going on about how awful she is and I said you picked her at least you have a family to live with and he started with the she's just the roommate stuff.  I cut him off and I said don't you tell me again shes the roommate , in my mind shes the wife because it just hurts me too much that you want that and not me. He started again with the they are going to leave someday crap and I again cut him off and said they will never leave and besides its too late for us I won't take you back now when/if she does leave. He looked real sad at that and I said but we are friends, I missed you when we didn't talk and he said me too I saw you all the time on 35. I told him I don't look that way cuz the first thing I see is her stuffed animal hanging in from the handle. You women are so territorial he said, yes we are I replied. I then said its time to go don't want you in trouble for coming home late and we walked out to our cars and headed home. For the first time I left Bhar's happy and not sad, I finally was over him! He kept pulling up beside me as we drove up 35 and we raced each other some......yes this is all going to be OK and now now God can bring me the right man who will love me care for me and be a friend to my son.......Saturday's Angel Card if the Day had been Surrender and Release and Sundays was Answered Prayer!

Sunday I got up and it was nippy in the house, I tried to turn on the furnace but it wasn't lit. Jeremy tried to get it to work and he had trouble with it, I sent a prayer up for someone to show us what to do. We then went and ran some errands and he told me his bike is broken, another prayer was sent up.... In the afternoon we had Yoga on the beach, it was a bit chilly but still bearable and the clear skies, the sail boats the NYC skyline and the lapping waves were well worth it. Only 3 students but many people drove by and looked at us, Nancy said I should make us a sign to put up to get more students. I will do that next year for sure I told myself. After Yoga I went back to the house and tried out my streaming Netflix , its pretty kewl but I did doze off and on and missed most of the movie! LOL In the evening I decided to try another batch of pumpkin cookies, this time I figured out what I did wrong and did a double batch that came out yummy! My little voice said (or perhaps it was his grandma again) to text Randy and tell him he can stop off for 5 min on his way home from work and I'd hand him some to take home, I knew he was working late... He didn't answer me till 8:20 though and he said OK, and 10 min later he was there! He had gone home, walked the dog and then came over, and he parked and came in too. He loved the cookies though and while we sat and talked I mentioned the furnace, he offered to go get it running so I took him up on it, he fixed it and he showed Jeremy the steps he hadn't known. Then Jeremy asked him about his bike and he knew just what to tell him about that too. So we sat and we talked and he was eying me up some and I guess he thought I wanted more since I had invited him over so I reminded him again that we are friends only now, no benefits and we were better off that way and why. I told him that he just isn't what I want in a mate, we have no things in common that we want to do and I knew that when we first met but I let the sex cloud my thinking. I told him if you are my friend what you do or don't is fine, but if you are my boyfriend I am always mad at you for not doing or being who I want and he agreed about how mad I always am at him. Then my new roommate came by and he said I need one of those! I asked wasn't the older boy moving back in and he said he SAID he was but so far not but he stays there on weekends so I can't rent his room, wish I could though as I really need the money. Then he said he needs a girlfriend too and I said good luck finding one who will put up with "the wife and kids". He stayed a long time, I finally had to kick him out, saying how much he liked hanging out in my clean house so I told him he can stop over anytime he's bored, that I have all these other people coming and going all the time what's one more and I am done fighting this thing with him and accept that we are friends, nothing more but we do miss each other so much when we are apart. I feel so much better now that I stopped this tug of war with him and just accepted it as it is. To confirm this the below was on my facebook page today:

Oriah Mountain Dreamer

Sometimes, at home or work, we find ourselves slipping into small conflicts, engaging in a tug-of-war with another- competing, insisting, persuading, digging in our heels, engaging in an invisible battle of wills over something that may or may not matter.
Noticing this, we have a choice- we can drop our end of the rope- which is not the same thing as acquiescing or giving up/in. It's about stepping away from unconscious battles to create an opening for something else- for deeper listening, re-evaluating what matters, finding the heart of the matter.
Today, may we drop our end of the rope where we have unconsciously stepped into a fruitless battle of wills with another- allowing. . . .something else to happen between and within us.

 

There is a saying that when you are at the end your rope tie a knot and hang on, but sometimes the best course of action, especially in a tug of war, is to just let go........I am so glad that I did, now I have all this energy to put to something GOOD! 

 

Today I want you to take a look around your own lives and see if you are in any tugs of war with anyone in your own life. Or perhaps it's not a person but a situation..... See if there are any that you can just "drop the rope and let go............

 

 

With Love and in the Light,      Cassie