10-28-11 Rise Like a Phoenix
Monday night after work I had an appointment with Joe from the divorce support group meetup and we met with some people who have developed a personality test to help people to know themselves better and what type of person who may be good for them. We want to do this as a joint event with both of our singles groups. We all sat down and ordered and then he did most of the talking. It was nice to sit across from a GUY who had the same goals and vision that I have and also very nice to sit back and listen to someone else talk and promote and take the lead. I am very excited about all this! And I noticed that his name starts with a J....... hummmm....focus Cassie focus! LOL
Tuesday an ordinary work day same old same old. I had a rare talk with my boss and he as always told me how happy he is with the work that I do. Later on in the day we got to having conversations in my Spiritual in NJ facebook group and I was seeking some advice on stuff. Basically they had been telling me all week that the reason Randy is still in my mind and popping up in my world is because he is a mirror to me to see what I still need to fix or work on or heal in myself. So I did a lot of pondering on that one and later in the evening Mary, my spiritual adviser called me. Our conversations are less and less now that I moved but she still knows when I need her it seems.I told her about what we were talking about and she said well Randy always did say he could never get ahead of the game with you, that he'd do everything he could to not make you mad and then you'd find something else to be mad at. Or one time something would not bother me and another time it would she said he told her he never felt he was on solid ground with me. He wasn't .........and I told her as much but I told her he was always letting me down and upsetting me. But when you make a commitment to someone you can't always threaten to leave them she told me. I guess I had NOT made any commitment, I was demanding he be "good enough" in every way or I was leaving! ....and here I was accusing him of having commitment issues! Really it was ME. She was right of course and I suddenly felt a little guilty for sending Randy that picture of Kevin taking Jeremy fishing to rub in his face..... he texted a reply though... Oh How Nice......and it was nice that Jeremy now had a buddy to hang with that he can relate to...... When is it going to be my turn??
Wednesday I woke up to read posts and noticed the sharing about the new moon that my new friend Beth had posted:
Happy Scorpio New Moon! The moon is in deep, transformative, and sometimes intense Scorpio. In Scorpio, we are tasked to sacrifice up the past that no longer serves us to receive the new. The message within this period is - that the Past that we have not addressed/ healed follows us into our Future. If you have been feeling friction in any area of your life – let it serve as a guide for what requires your attention. It is a call to Action from your Soul. New Moons are times of fresh starts and new beginnings. We cannot have a fresh start using the same old materials just as we cannot correct an issue with the same thinking that created the problem. Harness the power of Scorpio ( the ability to penetrate to the Truth and rise above our fears to our aspirations and Light). Harness the power of this new moon to apply new thought and ways of Being to your life Now. May your new chapter carry the seeds of a happy ending. You deserve it! :)
I made up my mind then and there to fully commit to being a new person and stop having all these fears about love. I keep whining that I don't have anyone but in reality I am too picky to go out with anyone who asks, or I test everyone whom I date till they can't pass the tests. So when I got an e-mail from my Craigslist add from a guy who's been asking me out for years (he has this big handlebar mustache i can't stand) cajoling me once again for still being on there looking and why don't I just give in and have dinner with him I said Ok I will! Course after that I didn't hear back from him.. It was a work from home day and around lunchtime Kevin showed up to help us get mulch from the township center, I would run out drive the car over let them fill it and go work while they unloaded and run back out and take them again. Three trips we made and they had a good area covered with dirt for the garden area I plan to plant next spring. I resisted taking a picture of them doing that and sending to Randy. I was just grateful to have a guy who is willing to help us out. After work I went and took a nice long walk down by the bulkhead and through town, still kinda too weak to ride my bike but the walk was also good for me....
Thursday morning checking my e-mail and I was surprised to see one from Randy, a Halloween card he had forwarded to me. See when I don't contact him he always takes a step my way.. I wrote back asking him what he was doing for Halloween and told him of the parties I had lined up. I realize of course I am still just being bratty to him, but the night before I had bad dreams about the picture I had seen of him taking his "family" into the city and arguing with him that he never took Jeremy and I places. I know my spirit is trying to work though all the pain related to him, and of course I have tons of pain from love or not being loved in general but I am determined to leave it all behind me and be a new person now. After work I picked up a futon for the basement that I got off Freecycle, it will be good for guests and also for people to sit on when I do my workshops. Driving home I was much later than usual and noted that I wouldn't pass Randy, not that he sees me as often as I see him but still it's a comfort to me for some inexplicable reason. Traffic ended up being sooo bad I had to cut through the industrial park and there sitting at a light a UPS truck passed me, now this is where the warehouse is, there will be dozens of trucks heading out just after 5......it couldn't be him....it looked like him though....after my light turned I caught up with the truck as it sat on a congested on ramp.....he does lean that way hunched over the steering wheel.... When I got home I texted him and he replied saying yup that was him.......always something there to remind me, I know he won't disappear till I learn the lesson he came to teach me....
That night I sent the CC newsletter, talked to Pam about the new site changes and the work we still need to do for lauch in about another week. I told her I know we are meant to do big things together and told her of the story of the first night we had dinner and the golden light mesh that I saw, to me representing the string theory, but also I know representing human connectedness. It's odd to me too that we became friends because of my ex business partner, heck me starting this whole blog was because of him but apparently I did learn the lessons he brought to my life as he is no longer in it. I also sat down and did my bills, deeply cutting into the loan money despite the pay check I just deposited. The newsletter took forever to send and I was up later than usual when I got an e-mail reply from Randy about what was he going to be for Halloween this year. He said wow looks like you are going to have fun (I had told him of the parties I am going to) and he said that he probably was stayin home as his got cancelled. I felt bad for him, me I prefer to be alone him he LOVES to be around a lot of people....oh well. I went to bed with thoughts of how my income is not enough for my bills and my lack of a loving partner dancing in my head.....
Friday the angel card was Archangel Michael so I sent up a prayer to him to help me find love, then I said scratch that I need money more.........my voice said: you HAVE money...and I nodded yes yes I do why worry till I am running out. Ok so lets get to work on that love and finding a partner for me thing......I know I still need to fix a few things in me.....please help I prayed....
Today I want you to realize that this is a time to start all over again, to rise from the ashes of your past mistakes and use this new moon energy to start all over again! This new moon is the beginning of a new year in the seasons of the year, what a wonderful time to burn into dust the past mistakes and rise again like the phoenix into a brand new life............
With Love and in the Light, Cassie
I made up my mind then and there to fully commit to being a new person and stop having all these fears about love. I keep whining that I don't have anyone but in reality I am too picky to go out with anyone who asks, or I test everyone whom I date till they can't pass the tests. So when I got an e-mail from my Craigslist add from a guy who's been asking me out for years (he has this big handlebar mustache i can't stand) cajoling me once again for still being on there looking and why don't I just give in and have dinner with him I said Ok I will! Course after that I didn't hear back from him.. It was a work from home day and around lunchtime Kevin showed up to help us get mulch from the township center, I would run out drive the car over let them fill it and go work while they unloaded and run back out and take them again. Three trips we made and they had a good area covered with dirt for the garden area I plan to plant next spring. I resisted taking a picture of them doing that and sending to Randy. I was just grateful to have a guy who is willing to help us out. After work I went and took a nice long walk down by the bulkhead and through town, still kinda too weak to ride my bike but the walk was also good for me....
Thursday morning checking my e-mail and I was surprised to see one from Randy, a Halloween card he had forwarded to me. See when I don't contact him he always takes a step my way.. I wrote back asking him what he was doing for Halloween and told him of the parties I had lined up. I realize of course I am still just being bratty to him, but the night before I had bad dreams about the picture I had seen of him taking his "family" into the city and arguing with him that he never took Jeremy and I places. I know my spirit is trying to work though all the pain related to him, and of course I have tons of pain from love or not being loved in general but I am determined to leave it all behind me and be a new person now. After work I picked up a futon for the basement that I got off Freecycle, it will be good for guests and also for people to sit on when I do my workshops. Driving home I was much later than usual and noted that I wouldn't pass Randy, not that he sees me as often as I see him but still it's a comfort to me for some inexplicable reason. Traffic ended up being sooo bad I had to cut through the industrial park and there sitting at a light a UPS truck passed me, now this is where the warehouse is, there will be dozens of trucks heading out just after 5......it couldn't be him....it looked like him though....after my light turned I caught up with the truck as it sat on a congested on ramp.....he does lean that way hunched over the steering wheel.... When I got home I texted him and he replied saying yup that was him.......always something there to remind me, I know he won't disappear till I learn the lesson he came to teach me....
That night I sent the CC newsletter, talked to Pam about the new site changes and the work we still need to do for lauch in about another week. I told her I know we are meant to do big things together and told her of the story of the first night we had dinner and the golden light mesh that I saw, to me representing the string theory, but also I know representing human connectedness. It's odd to me too that we became friends because of my ex business partner, heck me starting this whole blog was because of him but apparently I did learn the lessons he brought to my life as he is no longer in it. I also sat down and did my bills, deeply cutting into the loan money despite the pay check I just deposited. The newsletter took forever to send and I was up later than usual when I got an e-mail reply from Randy about what was he going to be for Halloween this year. He said wow looks like you are going to have fun (I had told him of the parties I am going to) and he said that he probably was stayin home as his got cancelled. I felt bad for him, me I prefer to be alone him he LOVES to be around a lot of people....oh well. I went to bed with thoughts of how my income is not enough for my bills and my lack of a loving partner dancing in my head.....
Friday the angel card was Archangel Michael so I sent up a prayer to him to help me find love, then I said scratch that I need money more.........my voice said: you HAVE money...and I nodded yes yes I do why worry till I am running out. Ok so lets get to work on that love and finding a partner for me thing......I know I still need to fix a few things in me.....please help I prayed....
Today I want you to realize that this is a time to start all over again, to rise from the ashes of your past mistakes and use this new moon energy to start all over again! This new moon is the beginning of a new year in the seasons of the year, what a wonderful time to burn into dust the past mistakes and rise again like the phoenix into a brand new life............
With Love and in the Light, Cassie
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