10-10-11 Starting a Journey into Self

And you? When will you begin
that long journey into yourself ?
Rumi ♥

10-10-11  Starting a Journey into Self

Friday evening I cancelled the Girls Night dancing event, a few were sick and my hips were hurting. Of course then some were disappointed. I told them they could still go but they didn't, I also sent a request that one of the others pick the new date and set up the next one. It's really hard to organize and get everyone together and I just have so much on my plate right now. I got a feeling no one will though and it will wait for me to do, it is after all the gift I was given from above, to be a leader in this way to organize things and bring others together. I suppose I will organize another one when spirit inspires me to....

Saturday was the big day for sailing and my friend came to my house early to have breakfast with me. We had a good time talking about her new guy and then I got on the subject of my house selling and the recent e-mails from my ex realtor who just won't let go of this. I told Michelle that what I wanted, and I am going to say this out-loud I told her because when you say things out loud and ask for help the universe listens. I said I want my house to sell and I want it to sell without her as my relator so that I have a bit of money left over to put in the bank to buy something else in a few years. She doesn't deserve this sale as she never once bargained for me in my favor only had her eyes on her commission. I put it out of my mind and we headed for the boat and just as they were pulling up to the dock to pick us up my phone rang! It was a guy who told me that he was interested in my house for sale, had been following the stuff going on with the township's purchase and wanted to talk to me about it. I told him I was just about to get on a boat and could he call me back and he said he would. I felt this was good because I didn't sound desperate and eager...

Anyway we had the most wonderful time sailing! Its so peaceful out there and we were blessed with a gloriously sunny October day and calm waters. They were all happy and I said well I have good weather Karma. Did you know though that sailboats only travel about 5-8mph? This is surely for relaxing and not for racing! I thought of how Randy would totally never like this....  I was sad to see how dirty the water is though, how stuff was floating in it and they said it because of the dumping from NYC. There was a point in the water that the waters meet and there was a big trail of sludge. I had just read an article the day before on how there used to be so many oysters in the area and they harvested them to eat but can no longer do that. I said some prayers and sent plenty of Reiki to the water and I tossed several SpiritStones in. It's getting harder and harder for me to let go of these, my supply is running low that were left of the ones my ex-business partner kept from me. Some still think I should take my receipts and go to the police. But I won't I will trust god to get them back for me or get me new ones. But anyway, as I held the stones I saw the beauty in them even more than ever, I think it really took slowing down on a sailboat to take time to see even more closely at how lovely they are.....


We ended up staying out later than we had planned on, they wanted to stay longer but I had to get back to get ready to go pass out tickets at the concert. They told us next time we should bring some music to listen to and all three of us said do you mean we will get invited back? And the captain said sure! But not till next year because Monday the boat's going in storage for the winter. I made a note to myself to be sure and burn him a CD with songs to listen to while sailing.... I am so glad that I met Jo through my spiritual meetup, I think I should keep that one after all. I also wasn't scared at all the whole day and they even let me take the wheel and steer the boat! It's hard to be a person who so very much loves the water but at the same time am totally afraid of it and can't swim due to a near drowning accident when I was a kid. I don't feel bad about not being able to swim though but boating , that's something I did want to do.....and I did it!

In the evening I headed over to Starland Ballroom and waited outside to pass out tickets to the Queen concert. I got there when the doors opened and it was a long wait through the other bands that went on before them. I decided that next time I am going to go later..I was disappointed too that only about 1/4 of the people I had given tickets to actually showed, goes to show you people do not value what they are given for free. I got to see and talk to many of my friends and even Mike my shore realtor came and brought his girlfriend so I finally got to meet her. I asked him about business and he told me about the one home Randy was interested in price getting lowered. I texted him to tell him about it and he didn't reply to me, which was odd, he always answers me.... It bugged me so much that I almost drove past his house going home but I forced myself not to and prayed out loud to god to help me not think about him so much. I bet he's with THEM and won't answer me till he's at work Sunday, which proved to be the case.....

Sunday my intention was to go to the park where the shore meetup was hiking, ride by bike a bit and then go with them for brunch as I knew I couldn't hike the whole 2 1/2 hrs.  I got my reply text from Randy just as I got there....we texted back and forth a bit and I took some pictures as he never heard of this section of Hartshorne Woods . He kept wanting to talk and I needed to get some walking in so I texted that I would be in later to get my oil changed and that Jeremy was grilling pork chops if he wanted to come for dinner.... Ok great he replied! Off I headed to the woods and just as I headed up the group came down! So much for my exercise, that's what I get for spending too much time on the computer that morning after being out late the night before as well. But we all headed off for brunch at a neat little place that I made of note of to visit again someday. I then went and go my oil changed, Randy looked over my car and made sure they didn't try to talk me into something I did not need (which they tried and failed) Note to all, car repair places are set up and mechanics are trained to talk you into work you do not need! Buyer beware! Make friends with a good mechanic you can trust. Anyway when the car was done I came home and laid down and took a little nap, I have been having some female issues that's just draining me...

I woke to a timid helloooo and it was Randy, he came straight from work. Jeremy cooked dinner, I made a dessert and we talked. It was good to see him but also sad, I just wanted to go sit next to him on the other couch when he first came in and sat down and cuddle with him. UGH. He told me all about the fun he had with the kids, leaving for Vermont Friday night after work , driving till 3am getting up at 7 and going to some snowmobile race and then driving back the next day, sleeping for a few hours and going back out to work. He was happily telling me the story and I was just thinking how jealous I am of the time he wants to give to those boys, just like it was other guys when he was my boyfriend. I also felt sad because when I had wanted to got to Vermont this time of the year to see the leaves he never wanted to go. I told him see this is the life you were meant to have not one with me who wanted you to stay and do things with me...and I re-iterated how she was the right one for him because she doesn't care that he never wants to spend time with her and plays instead and now he has built in buddies. The older boy even has moved back in. He didn't agree with me he said she's just the tenant, its an arrangement and he wants to be my boyfriend. UGH Then somehow we got on the topic of his powers and how when I left him they went away, well he says he still has them but I said they probably turned them off. When he and I met our energies coming together was like crossing the streams in the movie ghost busters! Both our abilites grew and grew and I still feel we were meant to work together for the greater good. I got so emotional I even teared up some over how sad it was this is how it went.... I fianlly told him he better get home to the family before they start looking for him and I went to my computer to check the long list of messages I had missed that day. Two things stood out to me:

Like a lion, love knows no ruse;
It does not change from a lion to a fox.
Rumi ♥

I was doing some heavy heavy re-thinking of this staying friends with Randy thing, obviously it was still making me sad and he still had hopes of it being his idea of a relationship. I went to bed to watch my Netflix, seeing a man in the show treating a woman exactly how I wanted to be treated (he flew all the way south to be with her when her father passed, unlike Randy who went to Vermont when my mom passed away) I said a prayer to God and said I want a man who will be like this man! My phone beeped a text coming in and I swear to god I hoped for a minute it was Randy, smack me now. It was my buddy , we texted some and I finally called him and we talked about stuff like we always do and I find that I need to do what he is trying to do right now and that is NOT want to be with anybody and just live my life and do some more work on ME. He like me is so addicted to wanting someone in our lives so much that we race right in. He told me that if I still have any shred of wanting to be with Randy then I can't be friends and he said its also not fair to him either because he's probably just hanging around waiting for me to give in like I always do. I am so so tired of this same old story I told him. He said he was going to dig even deep into himself and work on HIM and I should also. I agreed that he was right. After we hung up Mary called me, she and I talked some and she told me that she had texted Randy on his birthday and he called her. She said he had wanted to talk about me. This was the first I was hearing of it, he probably thought we had talked but we talk less and less these days since my move. She said he went on and on and on about how wonderful I am and in so many ways and listed each one of them but she said he cant figure out why I am not dieting and getting active and losing the weight and being healthy. She asked him if the other one the one he's with is who he wants and he said no way never no how. I was gettign a bit testy though as it was implying that he never got serious with me due to weight and unhealthy body size. She said she wasnt sure if that was it just he was worried about me, he cares about you so much she said. I told her of our evening and said I think I may need to not be friends.....

In the morning my message was this:

love is the center and the core of everything,

and that Self is the place where all love must begin.

Those who love others grandly are those who love

themselves grandly. Those who have a high toleration

and acceptance of others are those who have a high

toleration and acceptance of themselves.

You cannot show another a part of you that you

cannot show yourself. Therefore, begin where all

growth, where all evolution, where all love must begin:

with the person in the mirror.

Will you not love yourself grandly today? For the

world's sake?

So the messages are clear, I must go inside and get to know myself more and love myself more. I thought I had this down by now but I do not. I do hate my body and my fat and its inability to do all the active things that my friends do. I also know this weight is a protection. But honestly I don't know where to do go next for this I have tried so many things. But just as I sat there sadly, feeling so devastated to think of how would I ever find another guy with the spiritual powers that Randy has and my inner voice saying leave that up to us... And its time to stop fooling myself into thinking that now is the time that I can be friends with Randy, I really had myself fooled there for a bit I honestly did! I bet most of you out there weren't buying it though were you? Thank you so much though for listening and allowing me to find my own way back.....

Today I want you to be brave enough to consider the journey into self, to discover and to heal all of who you are. A journey to find self love and self reliance on a level even deeper than you ever imagined, and its more like sailing a boat than driving a race car.........but that's where I am setting my course for today.............how about you?

Official Edgar Cayce Page

Have patience first with self; then look within. For thy body is indeed the temple of the living God, that is within thee. When thou fearest from those things from without, then look within - and there ye shall find comfort and joy and harmony. For He has promised to meet thee there. 815-2