12-23-11 Life is Like a Kaleidoscope

"It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see." ~ Henry David Thoreau

12-23-11    Life is Like a Kaleidoscope

Monday I was just so weary and broken from all the aggravation that is life. I had a meeting with a difficult co-worker who had been giving me grief over a requirement he didn't want to provide. My job is hard enough without having to do battle over stuff I need. Its even more difficult when he makes probably 3 or 4 times my salary as well and brags about all his vacations he takes, vacations that I can only dream about.... I was too weary even to go to the gym, so I decided to go get a few groceries. Money was tight but I had to have a few things, I felt led to go to a particular store and was VERY pleased to find that ALL the things I needed were on sale, some at clearance prices! I know I was guided to that store that night and felt a little better. Randy also texted me to tell me that one of my gifts had arrived in the mail. I was excited and told him so and said that was probably the only gift I would get this year (I knew my Dad was very low and Dustin had said he was short and Jeremy kept blowing his unemployment money) Randy texted back that he got me TWO presents and I said wow you must like me A LOT....sure do was his reply.

Tuesday morning getting ready for work I was praying and I decided that I had to quit saying and thinking that I don't ever get a break financially and I needed to keep positive and hopeful and with that I prayed: bring me more income! When I got the office a certificate for an Encore award was waiting for me. The co-worker who had given me grief the day before had nominated me. The award was just $100 but it will count in my favor when its time to look at a possible promotion. Just after that Randy texted and said he had both of my gifts now and could bring them to me early on Wednesday. I replied that I was working from home and he could stop by for a short while. It was nice so see him so excited about my Christmas gifts. See I am teaching him the joy of giving! He really isn't a selfish person, despite the fact he never buys me things. Its because he was taught to hoard and keep close to himself every penny that he can. His mom taught him this, and because of her mental illnesses she took it to an extreme and thusly he has been overly cautious. I on the other hand have been just the opposite, spending and giving beyond my means. But then again I am always provided for one way or another.....but still Randy is teaching me ways that I waste that I never thought of and I am working on it.

Next after doing my morning workflow and settling in for my quickie breakfast break I went to apply for Jeremy's weekly unemployment benefits. He was denied, stating that his year was up, even though last I looked he had plenty of money left and I was told unemployment pays for two years. I wondered if congress had made any changes that I missed? I started to worry but was reminded that  the card of the day had been Serenity reminding me to remain calm in turmoil and know that I would be miraculously provided for.I called him and gave him the number to call and straighten it out and we decided I would get him Thursday after work and bring him home so he could pack for our ride to Ohio. Shortly after that my meetup payment of $100 came in from Columbia Sportswear so I felt that I was on the right track financially after all and that this mess with his unemployment was going to lead to better things one way or another. I was going to keep the faith.

Wednesday was the Solstice, I was working from home and waiting also for Randy to come bring me my gifts. Noting that it was a special day energetically, the day that the season turns and the light begins to come back and get stronger again. (June 21st is the longest day of the year, December 21st the shortest) I just knew it was going to be a special day and it really was! Randy showed up about lunchtime and since I had such a stressful morning with my job I decided to take a lunch break for a change and sit down and eat with him while I opened my gifts he brought. I had made myself soup and made him a plate of leftovers and while it was heating in the microwave I  opened my gifts one by one and was so surprised to see that he made the perfect choices! This shows to me that he loves ME because he pays attention to what I want and he gets me what he knows I will want. No one has ever done that for me, paid attention and got me what I wanted.  My mother never did, my husband never did, but Randy now he really had put some thought into them! The first gift was an Ionic room air cleaner, one just like he had in his room that I missed and often said sadly how much I missed his bedroom and the clean smell. It as a refurbished one and not a new one but I know that what he paid for even that was a sacrifice for him and it meant a great deal to me. He said now you can smell your room and think of me every time! I will too, and that smell will remind me of our nights together in his house and the feeling of really being a couple . The next gift was a box of chocolate covered cherries, a gift he always got from his mom and we always ate together, a simple gift of love. The last gift was 4 sets of PURPLE Christmas lights!!! Just like the sets that he had given to me that one Christmas we had together several years ago that I had left in his attic and the new woman had given away! He had gone on e-bay and found them and ordered them all the way from California, he had looked for new ones for me for years and never found any. I told him that Walmart has them now, I probably should have kept that to myself poor guy. LOL

As we sat there eating and talking I looked over at him and he looked so handsome to me, the love for him was so strong that I just can't deny it, who can fight a love like that? Who would want to? I must make peace with it somehow I thought. That was when I told him, you know I promise to always be your friend no matter what happens. You do he asked smiling? Yep I do! Its been predicted that in the New Year the man who is to be my mate will come along to me but I promise no matter who he ends up being I will stay your friend and I also promise to never fight with you ever again. Good he said I hate when you get so mad at me and send me that hate e-mail and then dump me and waste so much time when we could be having fun. I know I know I promise if I write one I won't mail it I told him. I then asked him was he still taking me to Vermont with him and he said yes very enthusiastically but I don't know when yet, gotta watch the weather for snow. Then I asked did he want to go to the gym with me next week and he did not and he showed me how he had fell at work and gotten hurt, a small scrape on his elbow and a big bruise on his side. I kissed them both and hugged him and told him to hang out with me I will fix him. You always do he said just before heading back home....

 Later after he left and I smelled my room I texted him to thank him again and said see you do love me don't you? Of course was his reply. I replied that I just never ever felt like he did because he loves to play and hang out with the guys so much, that's why I get mad and sad and don't feel loved by you. He replied: Stop .. and be happy, I will make it a nice Christmas for U and me. I then asked him did he like his video camera and had I put enough thought into that and he replied yes that he loved it and it was perfect. I had been thrilled to find him one for only $10 on 1saleaday . Later in the evening while he was working he called me and we talked for a long time, over an hour. I was very happy with that and felt the bond of us getting stronger....but then something came up about them and I started to feel bad and I told him that I had to go. I didn't want reality ruining my nice day, plenty of time for that another day.... I thought more about what I had told him at lunch. That life is like a Kaleidoscope, and that if you make just one tiny little change the picture completely changes to something else! That is the beauty and the mystery of life, if you do not like what you see, make a little change and see how it unfolds.....

Thursday in the office my co-worker came up to talk to me and said in the new year he will come and see what he can do to help streamline the process. He said he didn't realize how much it had grown from when he did the complaints. I told him there are 10 times as many now and many more requirements too. Plus we are all overworked, the economy gets worse and worse and those of us who still manage to have jobs have so much more work to do. But at least I was getting him to see how it was now and he can look at it with a new perspective. I also got an e-mail from my Dad. He told me he had the "bed clothes" all washed on the bed I would be sleeping in and he bought my favorite cookies and that at 5pm he was heading to Aunt Brenda's so if we arrived after that to meet him there. I reflected on how this time last year I swore I'd never speak to him again, so full of hurt and pain at his condemnation of my spiritual beliefs. And I had not gone home for Christmas either, partly due to finances, partly due to the fighting, a choice I will regret all my life because it was my Mom's last Christmas..... But when she died in February he death brought my Dad and I to a place of truce, he and my son who also thinks I am going to hell. We just do not talk about subjects that cause upset and stick to the safe things, that's really all that matters.

Thursday after work I went to Flemington to pick up Jeremy, I gave him him the few things I had been able to get him and he was happy with them. He had gifts for me too, he had worked for Alexes Dad all day and his wife had got me an expensive hat and scarf, $40 each! I felt bad he had worked so hard for expensive stuff but he was so happy to have been able to get me something.  That  night he and I went to I-Hop for dinner, I had a buy one get one free coupon so we both ate for $15! After dinner we got my video camera and drove around town and took some footage of all the lights on the houses. We are not used to all this, in Flemington you'd see a huge home with one wreath on the front door with a spot light, here in Cliffwood beach they have tiny little houses but they go all out. If you want to see them you can go to my videos to check them out.  He told me that he thinks he is going to go to Florida after the holidays to live with his friend Alex. I have mixed feelings about that for sure, but he is 21 and he needs some adventures and experiences. Earlier in the day I had gottne a Bibliomancy reading on this free online site, consulting about Randy.....the reading had been about a woman running around picking things up cleaning her home with a baby in her arms, the last line saying how did she think she could ever manage with a second child. I felt it meant I should really consider did I want Randy, it would be like having another kid for sure. But at home, picking up the mess from Jeremy the next day, making him his lunch etc. I did have a bittersweet thought on it and part of me gets so annoyed, part of me truly loves to have someone to "mother". I truly don't mind mothering my man, making his soup, buying him socks, folding his clothes. Perhaps the reading was to show me that I needed to finish with Jeremy THEN I could have someone new to mother.....if it was to be Randy I knew it would be better if he were on his own first as they just don't get along so well....  One of the houses in the videos is Randy's and as I drove by it last night I realized again how tacky and run down it is and how I hadn't wanted to live there, had wanted us to sell our homes and get a new one. I don't maybe I wasn't apreciatve enough. I texted him to see if he was going to come see me that night, my last one before my trip....he replied that he can't make it..........I said no more. Oh well I am going to sit back and let fate twist my kalediscope a bit.........see what kind of patters it can come up with.... I know I deserve better than what Randy offers, but I know he can do better too when he wants to. Then again I have been less than perfect myself, yet I know I still deserve to be loved for the good that I am, and belived in for the better that I plan to do. Its the same for all the people in our lives......

The 24th is tommorow, and it is the new moon, a good time to reflect on things as stated below in a post that I found:

When the new moon comes after a winter solstice, it's time to review our year. Go over the "Life Lessons we experienced" may they have been good, painful and hurtful. See what this lessons brought to you, except the lessons, learn from the lessons. Then light a small white candle in place in a window, thank the universe for the life lessons, see what insight they brought to you, and mentally let them fly out the window, with a grateful "Thank you" and that those lessons need not come back again, You have learned from them. Let the candle burn out and release the lessons, the pain etc! This prepares you for entering the New Year and the new "life Lessons".


Today I want you to look at the people in your lives and see the good in them, and love them for that. And if your life is less that perfect right now just make a little adjustment and see what new visions you can bring to it with each tiny change.............



With Love and In the Light, Cassie

Have a Blessed Holiday Season and a very Merry Christmas!

What I really want for Christmas is to know that you are well and you are living the kind of life that brings you contentment and joy. That your burden is not too heavy, that the people in your corner of the world get how lucky thy are to know you...That at the end of the day you feel peace, and that at the beginning you feel loved. ~ unknown ^

http://youtu.be/51bO1CVPWRA

12-19-12 Happiness is Like a Cat

 Happiness is like a cat, If you try to coax it or call it, it will avoid you; it will never come. But if you pay not attention to it and go about your business, you'll find it rubbing against your legs and jumping into your lap.
William Bennett

12-19-12

Well Friday I got to the point of just giving up on it all. Inspired by that I shot off a quick e-mail to my lawyer and told him about the robbery, the insurance cancellation and the visit from the township guy. I told him if he thinks its OK to let them know they CAN remove that oil tank, since I have no way to heat the house now anyway it doesn't matter. But to make it clear to them there is no insurance policy to file a claim against if they find anything. I don't think they will but who knows. I left it in Gods and my Lawyers hands to decide now what to do. I also decided to give up trying to keep up with the payments on one of my bigger credit cards, they had given me a deal for 1 yr 0 interest and now it was time to pay the piper, I really should have checked the pipers prices first! OMG

Saturday I woke up and texted my neighbor to see if she wanted to go walking but she was not able to go. I debate between a walk or the gym and finally decided to go to the gym. On a whim I checked the class schedule and saw they were doing one called  Centergy so I went to it. It was basically a Yoga class to music, I liked it! I couldn't do all the stuff but I did most of it and I will keep going. On my way out I was talking to the guy is trying to get me to buy some sessions with a trainer, right at that moment the woman came in from earlier in the week, the one who left her badge hanging on the bike and I had returned it to the desk. She was saying she lost her badge and I told them to look in lost and found. Everyone was amazed that I had been there right at that moment but I am starting to not question these synchronstic moments anymore.In the evening I had my dinner and movie event and we had a wonderful time! The movie was very very good, the food good and the company wonderful! I am so glad there are people like me who actually prefer to spend a Saturday night at the movies, dressed casually instead of out clubbing and drinking and dancing. I can do what I like and find people to do it and I promised to do many more events like this one!

Sunday I slept late and didn't get to text my neighbor to go for a walk as was my plan, but I decided I deserved a lazy Sunday morning for a change. I cooked myself breakfast and my roommate was there so I fed him too in exchange for getting him to fix my lights in the basement. I miss Jeremy being around but at least I have help when I need it. I looked at the broken mixer still sitting and wondered if Randy would show that night and work on it as promised, he hadn't texted me since I saw him Thursday and I wasn't planning on texting him either. I headed off to my yoga class in the afternoon and there was one new woman who came. She was so happy she was gushing telling us all about her new boyfriend and how he's taken lately to saying I love you to her. He is 48 and she is 61 and she said I wasn't even looking for a guy! She told of how he kept showing interest and he pursued her.  I wished I had someone to pursue me so much.....Nancy my yoga teacher could see the sad look on my face and said don't worry your love will come to you too when you least expect it, in the meantime you are meant to be single so that you do all this great event organizing! Yeah yeah I said and knew she was right, still I couldn't help but feel lonely as I headed home. I realized that I still didn't know if Randy was coming that night or not and debated with myself on if I was going to bother to text him or not but when I got home I saw his gifts I had waiting and the cookies so I texted and asked..........Yup he replied....

While I was waiting for Randy my roommate came home and we talked a bit, he asked me the story of how Randy and I got together in the first place so I told him of how we met from a Craigslist ad, how he had called me all the time and pursued me for months, I refusing to date him despite the fact I thought he was cute because our interests were so different. I had recognized him to be a very sweet guy though and kept talking to him in hopes of finding the right woman for him... In the end he had agreed to go on a date with me to make another guy jealous and it turned out that I liked him after all! I am awfully finicky about men and don't let them get close to me easily I must confess....but anyway...... He arrived an hour late, having had a very busy day at the auto shop. He was very very happy with his gifts, I had made him a stocking too and he said his mom had never made them for him. He was really upset that my gift he had ordered had not yet arrived and I said I hope it didn't come and SHE got rid of it like she did my purple lights! We had a very nice time together though and then laying there cuddling later he was saying how lonely he gets working evenings and being off all day during the week. When he got on the story of eating lunch alone I got upset though because I had told him many times that he can come to eat lunch with me the days I am working from home. I also complained because he never called or texted me much in between visits. He told me he doesn't because I am so often mad at him, and I send him angry e-mails and he never knows what he's going to get so he just sits and waits to hear from me. I always answer right away he reminded me. I was still kinda annoyed and started my usual "I am going to stop contacting you and start looking really hard for a better boyfriend" speech. He got all sad and was hugging me and begging me not to dump him again. He just doesn't get it I thought to myself and I was just standing there waiting for him to leave already..........

He didn't though he stayed and tried some more to reason with me. He said you are like a cat, if I try to get you to come to me you ignore me and go you own way. I never know what kind of mood you are going to be in.  I have learned that the best thing to do is wait to hear from you. I wasn't buying it from him %100 figuring it was an excuse but after he left I did do some thinking about how much I have snarled at him over the years. I do always get mad, because I am always hurt. I am hurt less easily than I was in the past but still there is an issue there that needs more healing. Again I am hurt because I am left alone so much and I want someone who gives more of his time to me.......yet not in a clingy puppy dog kinda way either... But yes happiness, and love, IS like a cat...........the more you chase it the less it comes but if you sit down and relax and wait it will come to you.........

Today is a good day to look at your own life and see where maybe you scared off your own happiness and sent is scurrying under the bed to hide........ We all do it you know, so full of past hurts and pains that we react when people seemingly let us down.....This is the holiday season so we will have many a chance to practice this with family.........let me know how you do!

With Love and in the Light, Cassie

12-16-11 The Door Will Open

The moment you accept what troubles you've been given,
the door will open.
Rumi ♥

12-16-11  The Door Will Open

Monday I saw Randy heading out to work even though I passed by his turn off and went further down so as not to drive by his house anymore as Mary suggested.  He was just getting on 35 when I passed 7-11 though so I still saw him, but I did not text him and he didn't text me. I did however get a text from someone from my meetup, a single mom what was looking for a friend and said she lived in the same town as me. Turns out she lives on Randy's side of town, just one street over! LOL But anyway she and I made plans to have tea together Wed night. My one roommate came home and was upset because the local psychic in town came in to the diner where he was having dinner and he asked her about the woman he likes, her reply was that he'd have to change a great deal in order to be with her. He was upset but I told him we talked about this already, your idea of a relationship and hers is far different, you would have to change a great deal if you wanted to be with her...the question is do you WANT to change that much?

Tuesday's card was Divine timing so I assumed the universe was still working on my perfect mate question. I have been feeling a little lonely not talking to Randy at all and Jeremy up in Flemington all this time, yet I felt this time was necessary for me, that I would be fine, I just had to accept what was. I had an appointment at noon with the insurance claims adjuster, while we were there a township guy came over wanting to know about the property. I was pretty angry that he had the nerve to come there like they owned the place and he was questioning the insurance guy like he had anything to do with it! Then he told me again that one of them would remove my oil tank and I told him my lawyer said to NOT do it and I was NOT doing anything else for them based on empty promises and ranted that it was their fault the place got robbed, promising me close date after close date. He finally left, I hope he takes the news back to them so they know I mean business, close as is or deal with the bank.. I prayed to Anza before bed and asked her to help me to sell the house and also to bring me a loving mate. After work I went to the gym, stopped and got Jeremy two more little gifts and talked to my cat. Everyone said he looks like he has a spirit living in him when I posted this pic of him: 

Wednesday the card was Romance and I felt like it was a sign that Anza had heard my prayer the night before. I was so compelled to pray to her when I read the chapter in Doreen Virtues book Temples on the Other Side. I am getting so much out of that little clearance rack book! If you ever feel compelled to browse the clearance rack, a used book store or even a yard sale do so. Many a book has found its way to my possession that I never would have otherwise read and it turned out to be so important to my spiritual path. I worked from home that day and was headed out to the chirpractor and the library then planned later to go meet the new friend on the other side of Cliffwood Beach. She texted me though and said she had a hectic day and we'd need to take a rain check. Wow a lot of evening to fill I thought to myself.. I did so enjoy my trip the library and was able to check out FIVE books on CD for my drive to Ohio and back and she gave me three weeks instead of two when I asked what the daily late fee would be (only 5cents) If you haven't been to a library lately GO! There is plenty of FREE entertainment there, books, movies, music, internet access...

After I left there I really had nothing else to do, living in this tiny house there's not much cleaning to do, Jeremy was away still so no groceries to run and get, I had gone to the gym the night before... I finally decided to stop at that diner close to my house and have dinner and see if I could get up the nerve to ask about doing game day events there. I ordered a Cheesburger because the dinners seemed so expensive (I sure do miss the days of eating out and dropping 20 or 30 or more and thinking little of it). Now I gotta keep it under 10... I ate my food and watched the TV at the counter trying to get up the nerve to ask for the manager. Finally she brought me my check so I gave her my card and asked her to give it to him and to have him call me. The other waitress piped in and said he's over there and called him over. In the end I went to the back and spoke to his wife and explained what I wanted to do. She said she'd call me in the New Year and we can set something up. I was very pleased with myself! I still hate doing this but I know that I can if I have to now. That night I prayed before bed and asked Anza to help me to make some more money, a talk with my roommate had set me off worrying about it all over again.....

Thursday the card was Soulmate  I thought to myself wow, they really must be working on this issue for me to have a man to share my life with after the whole week the cards had been on this topic!  I was going to sit here and trust too that they were working on it and not think or worry about it anymore, I was going to accept what is. I then shifted my thoughts to the dream I had the night before. In my dream my sorority sister Trish was going to work at a nursing home and told me I should also, I did not want to but she talked me into it just before I woke up. So at work that day I contacted my hospice care person and she called and found me a place to go right near my office to do my volunteer work, something I think will bring me Reiki clients. I met her there and the one paitent they have there and promised to go back on monday. I was bummed though about my long commute home after that, with the more traffic and the later time it took twice as long, but I must think of the caring I can do and pray for someplace closer to me moving forward.

That night I was sending the cassies calendar newsletter when I got a text from Randy....He asked if I had forgotten about him.....I said no just wondering how long it would take him to miss me. He said he been freaking out for 3 days worrying that I was cheating on him. I reminded him that we were just friends with benifits so it would not be cheating had I found myself someone else. He then told me that it was the anniversay of the day he bought his house 15 years ago. I noted that it was just one month before my ex went to jail that was the catalyst to my seperation and divorce. When I realized how many years that I have been alone it made me very very sad. I felt like getting angry at him all over for having that other family instead of working on US but I just didn't have the energy. Instead I told him I had cookies here if he wanted them, I had made some sat but did not make him a box like usual, but the box I prepared to take to the friends house the night before was stitting there. I will be there to get them after work he texted....... And he came, we sat and talked and he wanted to know why I hadn't been asking him over or texting and I said because I need to focus on finding my own guy.  I told him I had an event saturday night and I was going to plan a singles event EVERY saturday night till I find someone. He rolled his eyes. I then asked him who he tells her all these contianers of cookies and soups and stews and spagetti come from. She doesn't ask he said and I knew it was the truth....I rolled my eyes. He told me that the older boy got accepted into the Navy and he ships out in August....I ignored that and shifted to the story of what happend to my mixer and asking him if he can fix it. He said he'd take it apart on sunday when he came over.........

Friday the card was power, and I sure felt that I needed some......work issues were bugging me so much I got mad but I calmed down and thanked God that I have a job. A roomate paid me two weeks rent so I gathered the money for the bills and set aside to go get money orders. Then the mail came and the credit card company who gave me 0 interest for a year for making a balance transfer now expired and the intrest charge alone each month is more than what the payments have been! I am crying uncle on that one, I just can't pay it anymore and I set it aside to call them next week, they can either work with me or I am going to file bankruptcy I thought. I just can't fight this all anymore, I am going to have to accpet it. Randy lives with them and I do not have a mate. My house is stripped bear and no one has bought it, the housing market has taken what was a home with over $200 thousand in equity and left me next to nothing, as a result of this I have credit card depts that too big for me to pay off, and despite how hard I bust my butt at my job something always seems to keep me from shining in those crucial moments and get me a promotion. I surrender! I surrender! I am just going to sit back and see what happens to me, what comes my way, what shows up on my door. I give up and I give it all to God and to Anza.

Today, as I sit here in this dark cold time of the year. Older and weaker than my younger days I am tired. I bet many of you are cold and tired too.......tired of struggling sometimes just to get by day to day. I am telling you now, accept your troubles and trust that once you do, the door will open.........


With Love and in the Light,    Cassie

12-12-11 Do Not Go Away

 If the door shuts, do not go away.
Be patient, even if every possibility seems closed.
The friend has secret ways known to no one else.
Rumi ♥

12-12-11   Do Not Go Away

Friday night I was supposed to go out for girls night but I was not feeling well, the "female stuff" was back and I just wasn't up to it. A few backed out and only one confirmed so I decided it was a good night to stay home...or at least not get dressed up and go sit in a noisy club...  I did a usual Friday night thing and that was go to walmart and get a burger on the way home. Then for some reason I can't explain other than the full moon I couldn't go to sleep till well past 1am...

Saturday I got up and went walking with my neighbor Mary. She and I always use this time to vent and get stuff out that's bugging us in our lives and get each others thoughts and opinions and such. When we got on the Randy topic she told me that I really need to cut off all ties with him for a bit because he's blocking me from finding someone else. She also told me that I am becoming stalkerish and its down right creepy. I thought about it and said OK fine I am going to set the intention today to not contact him, this is a lunar eclipse and thus a strong energy day so I am going to set some intentions out loud with you as my witness. I added go to the gym 3 days a week, and find ways to make more money by helping others. She stated some of hers also. I went home, showered and went over to meet Joe from the divorce group. I was a bit concerned that he has not set up the terms yet of how much we are going to get a share of the singles seminars we are doing and I told him we need to get on that. He is a great guy and he helps so many people, his goals are my goals but I can see him being like I have been these past 10 yrs and that is allowing others to make money off his hard work and he get nothing. I made a vow to myself that I am not going to let that happen anymore.

After our meeting I walked through a flea market and got some bins and Home Depot and when I got home I had the urge to go see a movie. I had told Mary I would meet her for dinner and a movie but she said she'd let me know. I checked the schedule in town and saw I had just enough time to hit the last matinee of Breaking Dawn so I rushed out to see it....Mary called me while I was in there. I was hungry and thought I could go meet her for dinner but it took me an hour to reach her again. I thought about Randy and wished he would contact me and take me to dinner, I knew he was off that day and had plans to Christmas shop and  wrap and decorate his house and I knew his "family" wasn't around till later. But I never heard from him.. Mary called and wanted me to come meet her but it was 7pm I was starving and didn't want to drive that far in the dark. I got kinda weepy on the phone saying here I am home alone on a saturday night again this winter, I promised myself I would do differently once I moved, but truth is I just don't want to go out I want to stay home I just wish I had someone to stay home with. In the end I ended up setting up chat in my singles facebook group , baking some cookies and watching a re-run of When Harry Met Sally. That wasn't so bad, not untill my stand mixer blew up, the dough had been too thick and smoke started coming from the motor and once I stopped it I never got it started again. I was so upset, my husband had given that to me for Christmas one of the early good years, and besides I could not afford to replace it! I texted Randy explaining what happened and asking if he could fix it....he replied: It's shot......now how am I going to make cookies? I got no reply....

I headed to bed, feeling lonely and depressed and thought about how many years I have been watching this movie, all alone and feeling sad. I looked it up the next day as I wanted to use a quote from it for an article I was writing to promote CassiesCalendar.com and saw it came out in 1989, the year that I got married.... and i been watching it in reruns for 14 years, since I got divorced in 97....how pathetic am I, I thought? I read a little and fell asleep early... Sunday I woke up at 5am, the cat playing in my room and a dream fresh in my mind. I was moving to a new home, and people with trailers setting up around me, I saw someone who needed some help and I went to get some Spiritstones to give them and go talk to them but my guides were there and told me to not GIVE them away anymore, that it was time to start selling them for a small cost to earn some money. Then I saw Jeremy and there he was, 6 yrs old trying to text his father and crying. He missed him so, I realized I have not done enough to show him how to heal over that and told myself that I would. Yet another reason Randy was not a good choice for me I thought. Since I had gotten up so early I decided to go to the gym, I didn't have to meet Rich till 12:30...

On a whim I checked the gyms website a saw a kick class was starting in 20 min... I got ready and got there and asked what I had to do to get in on the class, easy enough I thought....I went to the locker to put my coat away and headed out and talked myself out of the class and was just going to head to the women's gym....but I saw it was the exact time the class was starting....so I went! I could not keep up but I made a fair effort of it and didn't embarrass myself too darn much. I decided to keep coming to that one and to encourage an local overweight friend to join me, I know she tired it and was intimidated but I know she'd like it if she got over feeling inadequate compared to the others. I checked my weight and saw I had lost 5 lbs since I started so I headed home happy and psyched!  I passed Randy on 35 as he was heading to Sears....... Mary's gonna nag me when she sees this but I texted hi I just passed you.....he replied oh Hi. I left it at that and went home showered and checked in with Rich. Since he was running late and hadn't scheduled the meeting I headed up to walk around the mall and price new mixers and soak in some of that Christmas gift giving energy. Many people criticize how commercialized Christmas has gotten but I still think its lovely that people want to show how much they appreciate the gift of having someone in their life by giving them a gift to thank them. That's how I see it anyway. I only wish I had more money to give even more gifts to those I love or those I see who need some love.

I arrived at the mall and just walked in at 1 when Rich texted that our meeting was a 1:30..ugh I thought and called him to see if he could do this without me and coached him on it. He said yes he could and I told him some things to discuss and I told him he would be good at it. He did a good job too when he called me back to report in. Who knows perhaps we have found something for him...he is good with people. Our mutual friend tired to help him but he pushes him too much, I am taking the praise him on the little things approach and he will do better. While I was shopping Randy texted me to say he got me a Christmas gift. I was so happy! That man isn't much of a giver if he opens his wallet it means something. I played and texted back and forth asking him for hints on what it was and saying I hope I am not being annoying but this is probably the ONLY gift I will get this year. He didn't mind. When I got home the following message was at the top of my page: Never give up on something that you can’t go a day without thinking about.

http://www.positivelypositive.com/
That message was pretty clear. He means too much to me to throw him away, I just need to keep working on my expectations of him and who he is to me in my life, put my energy into what IS and not what I hope is going to be. He's not the partner I want but I should be strong enough to be his friend without it ripping a piece of my heart out. He never came over that night to see me, I hadn't asked him to, I am going to stop asking for him or anyone and instead just see who God sends to my door....Monday morning the angel-card-of-the-day was New Love. I know that God is working on this for me......


Today I want you to be grateful for whoever and whatever is showing up in your life and to encourage you to embrace whomever and whatever that is. Do not run and hide from it but instead accept it with gratitude for it just the way that it is. For each and every person and situation that crosses your path is a gift of love and you should never turn away from it.


With Love and in the Light, Cassie

The Guest House

by Rumi

This being human is a guest house.

Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,

some momentary awareness comes

as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,

who violently sweep your house

empty of its furniture,

still, treat each guest honorably.

He may be clearing you out

for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,

meet them at the door laughing,

and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,

because each has been sent

as a guide from beyond.

12-9-11 Merry Everything!

12-9-11  Merry Everything!

Monday I was dead tired from the NYC trip, just seemed to be in a slow time. I saw that Mercury is still retrograde so that explains a lot of it, I saw others posting that they too had been tired, skipping the gym and hungrier than usual.  I have learned to go with the flow of natures cycles and not fight them but rather maintain... So not too much went on Monday, except perhaps the debate we were having in my spiritual in NJ Facebook group. I get really upset this time of year because I feel they are trying to push away saying Merry Christmas and celebrating the birth of Jesus. So many are offended by my faith yet I am never offended by theirs (well except the ones who kill others in the name of their faith) and even some of my christian friends I feel are looking at me as behaving non-Christlike because I keep arguing to be able to say it instead of happy holidays. But anyway the debate wore on into Tuesday morning and the last post I read, stating that America is not ONLY a christian nation gave me the words to sum it all up:

yes i am aware of that and i think ALL faiths should be represented and celebrated
everyone who wants to share should be able to share
and those who want to pay attention can and those who don't can ignore
  Jesus never forced his faith on anyone, he went quietly from town to town and those who wanted to hear came and heard- the rest stayed home
but imagine a world if he had been thrown in jail and not been allowed that freedom to preach and teach? not be able to share what he has to offer?
Sunday i was in Union square in NYC, a man was standing there thumping his bible and spewing HIS version of my faith, and grant you his version is far different than mine, his version is all about hell and condemnation, the antithesis of what i believe, in fact i dare to say he makes a mockery of the opinion that i hold of my faith and beliefs
but did i for one minute think I had the right to go up there and tell him to shut up? to stop saying what HE believes? to hate him for what he believes? no, not for a second
i did for a second wish my gay cousin and his boyfriend would kiss in front of him but even that i realized was wrong thinking and dismissed it
i am not saying anyone's faith means any less than mine all i am saying is PLEASE do not take mine away from me-- for if you do yours could be next.........

That pretty much is how I feel and frankly it saddens me that its the "spiritual" types that I have to argue the most with on my right to say Merry Christmas. They don't realize what they are surrendering in the name of peace so as to not offend anyone. Frankly I'd be worried about anyone being offended by being wished a happy anything that is from a place of love and joy......Then again many in my spiritual group are pagans, not just plain ole pagans but pagans who chose their faith because they were hurt my the catholic church. So much anger and bitterness because of how they were treated by a priest or a nun or the rules of the church in general so they leave the church and they try this path but the hurt is still there. This pain goes back centuries too and they feel not only their own pain, but the pain of those who came before them. The atrocities against those who did not bow to the new religion are huge. I know too because I was a witch and died at the stake in more than one past life I am told, my conscious memory doesn't recall but my soul memory does. So when I say don't take away my faith, know that I am willing to die for it......

By Wednesday things were a bit calmer and I saw this posted on one of my pagan friends statuses and I was so happy to see that he was getting it, what I was trying to say. I happily shared it on my pages and my group as well:
If someone wishes you a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanza, Merry Yule, Happy Pancha Ganapati, Merry Bodhi Day, Happy Eid, Happy Boxing Day, Happy Junkanoo, or Happy Festivus (or even, heaven forbid, the dreaded, generic Happy Holiday), then that someone is trying to say something nice to you. Even if it's not "your" holiday. I think that getting offended by such statements is silly, and that the proper response to such a statement of well-wishing is THANK YOU.
I posted it in my group saying THIS is what I am talking about and if you don't agree I pray to god to remove you from my midst. I don't know if anyone left that day but it doesn't matter, they will either go now or stay to fight me another day. And there is no reason to fight, only to love...


Wednesday evening I was happy to see that  my Photo ID Segment aired! I do so hope that it gets me some more traffic on CassiesCalendar because this is such a lonely time of the year and people need to get out and be with one another instead of home alone. The suicide rate quadruples this time of year, mostly due to sadness, isolation, desperation. We need more connections we need more love we need to care about one another more. If I can have an event and bring just one person a bit of fun and companionship I have done a lot! With this in mind I was a bit sad to see that one person I was working with on events decided to NOT move forward with a singles dance we were going to do together. Granted this one was going to potentially make us a bit of money so I don't know if that's where I went wrong or not... But she had written to me asking me to change the zip code of my new group to her area, put her photos all over because she is prettier and attracts more men to the events which she thinks will bring more women, and she wanted to keep it quiet that we were going to make any money. I replied that my group was mine her was hers I didn't want to put her all over my group but we can work together, and to pray about weather it was right to lie about making money off it. I don't feel the need to discuss all details but at the same time I wouldn't lie. Her response to me was that now she doesn't think we should do the event, that its too much work. Oh well maybe she will change her mind again.......or maybe God will bring me someone else to work with.

Thursday I got an e-mail saying that Randy had not opened the electronic e-card I sent him for Thanksgiving. This really bothered me especially since I had just got done getting him a real card for Christmas that I was going to give him with his gifts. I got a great deal on a pocket camcorder and knew he would love that and could record his snowmobile trips. So I texted him to nag him, and I texted teasing saying well if you didn't open that pehaps I should keep your presents as you won't open them....he ignored my texts but he did later open the card as the system sent me an e-mail. It's insulting when you go out of your way to wish someone a holiday greeting and they ignore you. What has gotten into everyone I thought? But he called me on his way to work, we had passed on the street near his house and he called to chat. He told me he handn't opened it because he couldn't figure out how, that it didn't have a link like in the past. Ok so I guess you get your christmas present after all I told him. You didn't have to get me anything he said, now I have to get you something. I told him if he don't want it I can give it to someone else......I didn't say that he said...

I went home to get ready for my event that night and Jeremy and his friend stopped in. He had been away a couple of days visiting up in Flemington and I was happy to see him safe and sound even though they came in and swarmed the kitchen like locusts, reminiscent of the old days. LOL Alex said he missed my old house, it was odd to see him using a walker but he had been in a horrible motorcycle accident, and frankly lucky to be alive. I did the mom lecturing about I hope you learned to be more careful now..he rolled his eyes but he listened. The event was fun, not a big one and I since I was not the main host I also got time to talk to a couple of people more closely than I normally do. One woman was talking about how hard it is to be out in the dating world again, not knowing the rules anymore, fearful of online dating, trust problems all sorts of things. This is a story I have heard countless times before.... She had expressed interest in my Attract Your SoulMate Workshop and also got me thinking maybe I need to write a Dating 101 one..... Driving home I prayed to god to show me again where I need to focus my energy to really bring in more money and it seemed like my voice said dribs and drabs aren't any good how about one big lump sum and then you don't have to worry. Yes that would work best i said, and I'd not waste my free time I'd use it to help others I replied...yes we know was the reply. Later that night Randy stopped over to get the nitrile gloves I had gotten him for work that he can't find anymore. I recanted the story to him and he just rolled his eyes saying I just need to get a second job and work real hard like he does. We are so different he and I sometimes.... But he did thank me for the thankgiving e-card he finally got open and he apologized that he can't find my purple christmas lights that I left at his house the ones he gave me for christmas that year we were together. I told him no worries it was my fault for leaving them there thinking I would be with you the following year.......you're the one who left me he started in..... Let's not do this anymore and I shooed him out the door....

Today I want you to cherish each and every holiday greeting that you receive, and return it in good spirits. For no matter what you celebrate inside your heart the real issue is that you celebrate and belive in anything at all, and the ones around you. There are many who belive in nothing , celebrate nothing.....that is the greatest poverty I can think of.....


With Love and in the Light,  Cassie

12-5-11 The Gaps

 The real beloved is that one who is unique,
Who is your beginning and your end.
When you find that one, you'll no longer expect anything else:
That is both the manifest and the mystery.
Rumi ♥

12-5-11  The Gaps


Friday morning Jeremy got up and was all cranky, told me he did not like the new guy and he wishes I'd get rid of him. We talked about and it seems that he's up most of the night watching porn and jerking off. I can see where that would be a problem for Jeremy so I told him I'd see if I can do something about it or we'd get rid of him. I left him a note, to keep it down, that he could have some privacy at times but for the most of it he'd have to be more respectful. I always leave notes when there are issues like that, I find they'd rather a chance to change and not have to be confronted face to face. 90% of the time a note is all it takes. I can see why this guy has a problem with porn addiction, he's lonely, he lost his wife, he's over weight and I can see he also has low self esteem. I find that drug addiction, food addiction, sex addiction whatever really is just a way to try to fill the space where love is missing in your life. I told myself I would give him a chance and try to help him but if he didn't' stop he'd have to go.... I got a tad lonely myself and started thinking about Randy so I texted him and said I miss you I wish you'd come see me, half hoping he'd blow off the kid and come see me that night instead... Soon was his reply..... I made a sad face and said OK then added that I sure wish God would bring me my own boyfriend so I didn't have to share him. Oh yeah he replied? Yeah I replied, if you were always waiting for the one you love to find time for you then you'd understand.....

After work I went up to Grace Healthcare to complete my hospice training and to get my second TB thingy. I had a good time and they taught me how to do the aroma therapy hand massage and gave me my name tag and my oils. I just have a few more health tests to complete then I can start volunteering. If I had know about all the medical stuff up front  I probably would not have done this but I am glad that I did. I want to share my gift with those in need. I know that I can do much to help the patients and their families in this difficult time of accepting death and moving to the next stage of life. I do also want to find paying clients too so we did discuss that. The rules are strict but not that strict and I am allowed to find clients in the facilities. I am going to leave it to God, he will help me if that is the way I am to make some extra money. All I know is I have big gaps in what I bring in and what goes out and need more I hope something happens soon.....

Saturday I got up and went walking with my neighbor and then to the Alchemy of Attraction seminar we had set up. I was disappointed with the turn out but I was quite pleased with the class and the information and I see that we have much more to give out to them as we go along. I just hope we can come up with a more reasonable price, one that more can afford to come. Its so worth what we are charging it's just my fear that they won't want to pay that much. Time will tell... I left, got my groceries on the way home and talked to a friend who was having some problems at work and then Randy came about 6:30  He came in and sat down at the table as my roommate was there doing laundry and eating so he  talked to my roommate for 30 minutes, turns out they have a lot in common when it comes to car and fixing things. When we went in my room though he quizzed me on if I liked him and was he my boyfriend I told him no and asked why are you trying go get rid of me? No just seemed when I walked in he seemed like your boyfriend. We had a nice time together but he left by 8pm. He checked his phone and the kid was texting wanting him to go jog. He could tell I was mad and offered to stay but I said go, it's no fun forcing you to stay here when you'd rather be playing, not that I understand why you want to play when you play with him every day of the week and see me once, but go. He hugged me and kissed me and I just wasn't feeling affectionate anymore so he left.

Sunday my roommate said that Randy was a nice guy but he said he "read him" (remember I told you he can read people) He said he's all over the place, nervous and twitchy, that having a girlfriend stay with him was very important to him, he also said that he's not that into me or any woman that his love is the guys, he said I bet he'd of sat here all night and talked to me instead of hanging with you. Tell me something I don't already know I told him! LOL It did get me to thinking about the seminar the day before and how he said yes people can change but the core personality will always be the same. I know Randy's preference to spend time with the guys instead of his girlfriends has had many a woman leave him. I keep telling myself that I like a lot of alone time and do not want a clingy guy and I am OK with who he is... but perhaps the time that I am required to fill that he leaves me alone is just too great.. I can't kid myself and blame the people he lives with, he was also like this when he loved me most and I was his main person...

I headed off to the train station to meet my cousin and his boyfriend for their annual NYC trip up from Florida.  I was really paying close attention at the train station to markings where it said look out for the gap, look out for the gap. One little girl waiting for the train kept repeating it, and each stop we made they reminded us to look out for the gap, the gap being the space between the train and the platform. I really enjoyed brunch with my cousin, his boyfriend and the ornament designer they had be-friended. My cousin sells christmas ornaments and calls himself the christmas addict He got that way when we were kids, we decorated like crazy together, we grew up together like brother and sister. I never had any brothers and sisters and he got left with us often because his mom was out running around trying to find men to fill the gaps in her own life. But I digress, I was certainly glad that we had been able to be there for one another growing up. After brunch we went to see as many sights as we could, Brad going off often to take photos of the window displays. Mia was quite the character and at one point when we lost Brad she says to Rik maybe he found someone new and has left you? His reply was interesting, he said: well I hope not because I would miss him but if he's happier with someone new I would wish him the best and want him to be happy and I am glad that he shared such a large part of it, I have had everything I wanted in him. Don't ya just love gay men? They are so sweet and profound and their love is deep....perhaps because they suffered so much to have it? That's one of my theories anyway. Anyway here's a picture of the four of us in front of the tree yesterday:

 

Today I think it would be wise to take a look at the relationships in your life and the gaps that they all are bound to have. Are they healthy gaps that allow time and freedom and individualism or are they gaps that are so big they leave a feeling of emptiness and loneliness that is extreme? Also take a look at the gaps in the wall of who you truly are. Were you nurtured and grown and built lovingly with plenty of bonding to hold you together? Or did you get slapped together quickly and with poor craftsmanship and more space than you should have had, and thusly not as stable and secure as you'd like to be? Look at these gaps and see what needs some attention, and say thanks for the gaps that are good....

With Love and in the Light, Cassie

12-2-11 Don't Get Lost In Your Pain

One day your heart will take you to your lover.
One day your soul will carry you to the Beloved.
Don't get lost in your pain –
Know that one day your pain will become your cure.
Rumi ♥

 

12-2-11  Don't Get Lost In Your Pain


Monday after work I went down to the basement to see if the cat had come out to eat or use the litter box. He had not so I did some looking around. One place I looked was where he had hid on Saturday, behind the cushions of my new roommate's bed.. I sure wish I had NOT looked there because I found a personal toy or two that I really wish I hadn't seen!  I was greatful the cat was NOT there. LOL I searched for a bit and had no luck so I went for a walk and I tried to do my shadows photo assignment from Anthony but it just doesn't work at night. I am going to have to try it in the day time I guess. I did get some shots of my house with lights on it though. When I got home my roomate Marie who works at a pet store and I talked about the cat and she said she thinks she can get him if I want and I said sure. It took a lot but she found him and we put him and his litter box and his food in my room and closed the door. I ran out to the store and got him a small bed to hide in and some cat nip too. I also texted Randy and asked him if he could please stop over for just 10 min to help me as he was 'the cat wisperer" . I will try he said...

Later about 9:30 sure enough Randy showed up and got the cat out and held him and petted him and talked to him till he purred then he had me hold him and he petted him and talked to him till he purred when I was holding him. He was flicking his ears and playing with him like he used to do with Skooter and the cat liked it just like Skooter did! We marveled how much he was like him and he told me how none of his cats are like him , how they are wild and crazy and make a lot of noise and knock things over. My cat got down and sniffed and walked around the room and then walked across my makeup table and did not knock a thing over! I like that careful, slow moving type cat. I asked Randy what I should name him, he said Skooter but I said oh I don't want to steal your name in case you get a new Skooter someday. He couldn't stay long and I walked him to the door and I really felt my heart strings tug, he looked so cute in his UPS uniform. I like a man in working man's clothes, its what I am used to, what makes me feel secure and safe. I then went to bed and the cat sat on my dresser and watched me watch TV, this is him below:

 

Finally though he did come over and lay next to me and let me pet him as I went to sleep.....

Tuesday was a work in the office day and when I came home the cat still had not eaten. I was very concerned and wrote to Pam and texted Randy and worried about what to do. Randy gave me a lot of suggestions so I went to the store and got some other things to try and he said he'd stop after work again if he could. But I did get the cat to eat so I texted him and he didn't come, I kinda wish he had anyway but I guess I can't have him here everynight. Wednesday though he came again, I had gotten a chicken and we made cookies too so I texted him to say I had homemade cookies for him again and to come any time....when he hadnt arrived by 9:30 I went in to settle in for bed then heard a knock om ny bedroom door. It was Randy. He came in we played with the cat, he told me he feels like we are parents to this cat but he said it with a smile. We talked and he told me how busy works been and how busy the day shift guys are and how they have parties every night when they get their routes done. We talked about how it would be nice if the got full times days but he has all these reason why it will take forever for him to get it. I told him to wish it and reminded him how powerful we are when we wish together and reminded him how it got him the job he has currently and he said true ture and it was an amazing thing that he got it and everyone said so....see just belive I told him.... I'll try he said....

Thursday I had to drive to PA for work, there was a big meeting with all the big wigs and the day before my boss had invited us to come for lunch and a presentation. Usually I do not go to these things due to my heavy work load but my gut told me to go this time and I was glad that I did. I got to make a real good impression  on the new boss and it was nice to see some of my old friends and meet some of the new people in a department I work closely with. My energy was high and I was happy. Then at a break time I checked my personal mail quickly and found out the owner of a HUGE singles meetup stepped down without naming someone, I quickly steppped down from one of my not so succesful ones and took it over. I couldn't belive that I got it and this was one where the organizer had not been nice to many people, I knew I could treat them way better and do so much more with the group. I was so happy and excited and so were several of my friends who want to work with me. Perhaps this is going to be the begining of the answer to my dream for myself... I want to make a lot of money by helping others and boy if there was ever a need its in the singles scene. There is so much pain so much loneliness so much need....

On the way home from PA I stopped and met Mary for dinner since I was so rarely on her side of the state. It was good to see her and I wanted to hold her hands and share some of my energy with her. Mike had called me to discuss his ideas of what he wants to do with my new singles group and he told me I was sounding bi-polar, meaning too excited. LOL Gotta love a friend who don't hold back what he thinks! Ha! But I suppose I do ride the wave of energy sometimes, nothing wrong with that though so long as I don't loose touch with reality. Anyway back to Mary, we talked about many things and she was happy to hear Randy was showing up more when I needed him, however she told me, there's a reason that woman hasnt moved out and cleared the way for the two of you yet. You are going to have another choice, you are going to meet another man sometime soon and you are going to like him and be able to talk to him and feel trusting and closeness with him just as much as you do Randy. Just be open to it she said and I said sure sure I am not counting on him, hoping yes, counting no I gave that up a long time ago...

 I had a ton of traffic to get through but was happy when Tina called me to discuss event plans. We were busy planning and discussing and it passed the time on the 1.5 hr commute home that at rush hour that was getting longer and longer when suddenly I got hit from behind! My whole car jerked and my arm slammed against the steering wheel, giving me a huge bruise the next day. Some kid about my older sons age came running up to see if I was ok and I said no I am not OK I am calling the cops! All I could think of was my already high insurance premiums, the fact I was looking into trading my beloved car in for something cheaper and my arm huring. Once I had the police on the way and they confirmed that we should move the cars to the shoulder of the road I got out to tell him and discovered I wasn't in a two car accident but a three car! I looked at the back of my car and the front of the one behind me, no damage, then I looked at the back of the second car and the front of the one who hit us, tons of damage! The kid was so upset telling me OMG I am going to jail for sure I have no insurance, I been homeless, I feel asleep at the wheel because I been working such long hours, my family wont help me, I am an ex Marine... I ended up talking to him and calming him down and telling him not to worry as if he were my son while we waited for the cop to arrive. When he did I told him I got no problem and don't want to be on the complaint if you don't mind. So I went home figuring a scratch and a bruise weren't so bad, the kid had enough problems. Its better to react in love... I got on the road towards home and Randy texted me so I called him....I got a booboo can you come over and kiss it for me? Sure he said soon.......

It's been a tough week trying to earn this cats love and trust when he's so skittish but like I put in my newsletter today: Sometimes its worth it to put in the extra work to love and get to know someone who's afraid, they generally turn out to be the most loyal... And I know I put up with a lot from Randy not being there for me but now that I am putting down my pain and just loving he's coming around more too...  Really we all just need love to ease our pain and get us through and if we can manage to do that we have found the key to our heaven.....

Hang in there people!

With Love and in the Light, Cassie